4 minutes ago
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Pumkin Head
Pumkin head is going to get you! Well, for as long as it took me to make this dang thing I felt like I was going to turn into the pumkin head. Can you tell is my suppose to look like my Jack Russell Terrier? So when I was at work thinking this up it seemed like a fun idea but that evening after a hour of working on it I was having second thoughts.
As you can tell by the date I am rather late posting it. Even though I haven't been here faithfully lately I still really have been thinking about all my blog. In fact I have a few rough drafts I have written that I will be posting this weekend. The kids are spending time with their parents this weekend. Assuming all goes well I will have this evening free and I plan on coming back to post. I suggest you grab a cup of coffee or beer or glass of wine and a snack cause I have so much to tell you................
Monday, October 19, 2009
I need more hours in the day...........
I miss being here in blog world, I miss having wine in the evening, I miss long quiet hot bubble bathes, I miss the freedom of being irresponsible, and I miss many other parts of my life but currently time does not allot for them now that I am temporary guardian of my sisters children. What is my typical daily schedule like you ask - well here it goes.........
5:20am - Alarm clock goes off and I groan softly as I hit the snooze button
5:30am - Alarm clock goes off again and this time I get up and start the day.
5:30 to 6:30am - make coffee, take a shower, get ready for work, let the dog out, and wake the kids
6:30 to 6:45am - tell the kids again to get moving, get their breakfast ready, remind them of any evening plans we may have and remind them to be good.
6:45 to 7:00am - Drive very quickly to work in attempt to make a 25 minute drive 15 minutes. Also call mom to ensure she is up getting the other two children ready to go to school.
7:00am to 4:15/4:30 - work (as you can see I have scaled back my hours at the office)
4:30pm to 4:45pm - Drive very quickly to pick up kids in attempt to make a 25 minute drive 15 minutes. Also listen to voice mails and answer phone calls
4:50 to 5:15pm - get the kids to clean up any messes at mom's, collect their book bags, get a report on behavior from mom and load them up to get home.
5:30 to 6:30 pm - let dog out, make dinner, feed the kids dinner, clean up dinner mess, and begin the evening ritual of tending to them.
6:30 to 8:00pm - go over homework, tell them to stop arguing, reminding them of hands off each one policy, lead them to bathroom to take bath and brush teeth, help them get their clothes out for the next day, make constant deals of "if you be good" we can do this on the weekend.
8:00 to 9:00pm - get them to wind down and get ready for bed, have them put away or finish any game we are playing, lead them to bed to lay down and watch a half hour of TV (which sometimes puts them to sleep)
9:00 to 10:00pm - run around cleaning up the evening messes, put away the dinner dishes, make lunches for the next day, go do a load of never ending laundry, make any calls that need to be made, try to get through the mail pile and pay bills, do any work I have brought home from the office, and let dog out one more time
10:00 to 10:30pm - attempt to stay awake and watch the news.
10:30 to 11:40pm - sleep
11:40 to 12:00am - awake up make pot of coffee for hubby and chat with hubby who gets home from second shift.
12:00 to 5:20am - try to sleep straight through without waking up with a anxiety attack.
Of course this is just the basics of what I am trying to accomplish in a day without the extras like grocery store trips, shopping for Halloween costumes, having birthday parties, kids having sleep overs, and all the other things that go with children in our life. If I could just get a couple more hours in my day................
5:20am - Alarm clock goes off and I groan softly as I hit the snooze button
5:30am - Alarm clock goes off again and this time I get up and start the day.
5:30 to 6:30am - make coffee, take a shower, get ready for work, let the dog out, and wake the kids
6:30 to 6:45am - tell the kids again to get moving, get their breakfast ready, remind them of any evening plans we may have and remind them to be good.
6:45 to 7:00am - Drive very quickly to work in attempt to make a 25 minute drive 15 minutes. Also call mom to ensure she is up getting the other two children ready to go to school.
7:00am to 4:15/4:30 - work (as you can see I have scaled back my hours at the office)
4:30pm to 4:45pm - Drive very quickly to pick up kids in attempt to make a 25 minute drive 15 minutes. Also listen to voice mails and answer phone calls
4:50 to 5:15pm - get the kids to clean up any messes at mom's, collect their book bags, get a report on behavior from mom and load them up to get home.
5:30 to 6:30 pm - let dog out, make dinner, feed the kids dinner, clean up dinner mess, and begin the evening ritual of tending to them.
6:30 to 8:00pm - go over homework, tell them to stop arguing, reminding them of hands off each one policy, lead them to bathroom to take bath and brush teeth, help them get their clothes out for the next day, make constant deals of "if you be good" we can do this on the weekend.
8:00 to 9:00pm - get them to wind down and get ready for bed, have them put away or finish any game we are playing, lead them to bed to lay down and watch a half hour of TV (which sometimes puts them to sleep)
9:00 to 10:00pm - run around cleaning up the evening messes, put away the dinner dishes, make lunches for the next day, go do a load of never ending laundry, make any calls that need to be made, try to get through the mail pile and pay bills, do any work I have brought home from the office, and let dog out one more time
10:00 to 10:30pm - attempt to stay awake and watch the news.
10:30 to 11:40pm - sleep
11:40 to 12:00am - awake up make pot of coffee for hubby and chat with hubby who gets home from second shift.
12:00 to 5:20am - try to sleep straight through without waking up with a anxiety attack.
Of course this is just the basics of what I am trying to accomplish in a day without the extras like grocery store trips, shopping for Halloween costumes, having birthday parties, kids having sleep overs, and all the other things that go with children in our life. If I could just get a couple more hours in my day................
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Birthday Blues..........
I turned 40 this week.
I wish I could say that my family or friends threw me a wonderful surprise party like I have done for all of them but the timing of my birthday was off with their schedule I guess.
I wish I could say I accomplished finishing my "To Do" before 40 list but no such luck.
I wish I could say my husband did something thoughtful but that did not happen either. Well he did give me a card around midnight that night when he got home from work so I guess I should give him some credit - but not much.
I wish I could say that this first day in my forties was going better than my last day in my thirties but that isn't so.
I wish I could say I am not disappointed but that is just not true......................
As you tell I am a bit down today so I think it is best I just end this post. I really really try hard not to have expectations because that just opens me up to hurt but every once in a while I have a weak moment. Damn me.....Next year I think I will treat myself and plan to go away somewhere fun for my birthday. Wanna come?
I wish I could say that my family or friends threw me a wonderful surprise party like I have done for all of them but the timing of my birthday was off with their schedule I guess.
I wish I could say I accomplished finishing my "To Do" before 40 list but no such luck.
I wish I could say my husband did something thoughtful but that did not happen either. Well he did give me a card around midnight that night when he got home from work so I guess I should give him some credit - but not much.
I wish I could say that this first day in my forties was going better than my last day in my thirties but that isn't so.
I wish I could say I am not disappointed but that is just not true......................
As you tell I am a bit down today so I think it is best I just end this post. I really really try hard not to have expectations because that just opens me up to hurt but every once in a while I have a weak moment. Damn me.....Next year I think I will treat myself and plan to go away somewhere fun for my birthday. Wanna come?
Fine just ain't cutting it..........
Instead of my typical I am fine and how are you response I would love to be completely honest with someone when asked "how are you". Only one person outside of the direct people involved know about any of this insanity. Since I am almost completely anonymous here I am going to tell you how I really am..........
I am angry:
1) Angry at my sister and her negative choices that are effecting her life, her children, and my life. She use to be such a good mom and a loving person with a kind heart. Angry because she seems to care more about herself and her husband instead of her children. Angry because I made the choice to not have children but because of my sister's actions I am forced to now be responsible for taking care of her children. (please don't misunderstand - I really do love the children and will do anything for them it's just this wasn't my plan for my life)
2) Angry at my mom because I need her to step up and be a take control mom instead of being needy . My attention is focused on the children that are now living with me so I can not have my mom calling crying and wanting me to be able to fix it or just listen. I need her to be strong and solve problems as they occur without asking me every time. She can be strong she just seems to have forgotten that since my dad past.
3) Angry that my husband refuses to hear me when I tell him I need physical affection. He does so much around the house to help to show me he loves me so much but he will not give me the physical touch I need. I will no longer beg for this touch only to be ignored as though I never said a word. To be so giving in some areas he is so selfish with his touch. There are so many moments I crave to be held in the strong arms of a man and feel his hands glide along my body.
4) Angry at our government at the horrible decisions they are making daily and there lack of concern for how we are going to make it. They have no idea how hard it is to decide if you buy food for the table or make the mortgage payment.
5) Angry at my self that I can't get it together enough lately to get better schedules for my new life. I think kids try to ensure that you can not keep the schedule you create. I gotta do them in pencil now and have the easier ready.
I am sad:
1) Sad to see my sister in such a state of disaster and there is very little I can do to help. In fact no one can help her at all if she won't try to help herself. So sad for the children having to go through this.
2) Sad that my dad was taken from us so early in life. My dad was my mom's very best friend and it makes me sad that she doesn't have him anymore. She was such a different person when she had dad by her side.
3) Sad that I might have to see if I can find a facility that can help with my autistic nephew since my mom's health isn't good enough to handle him and I can not manage to work full time, raise the 7, 9, and 16 year old, and care for a severe autistic 13 year old.
4) Sad to see how hard my husband is working at home and at work. Second shift is just beating him down.
5) Sad that I can't make the pain and fear the children are feeling go away. Even though I hold them in the night when they wake crying or afraid I never feel like I can do enough.
6) Sad as I read about how many people are unemployed and their homes are in foreclosure. Sad not seeing any hope of relief coming for us common folk yet the big wigs are doing just fine. Yesterday I took a side road through town because of road construction and I was in shock at a huge line of people waiting in line at the free soup kitchen. This facility provides a meal for people that are hungry and in need. The shock of reality of how many people were there brought tears to my eyes.
I am grateful:
1) Grateful that I have family and people that love me and I love them. ( I may not like them all right now but they are still a blessing)
2) Grateful that I have a job and that the job pays well enough to keep us afloat. (we aren't getting ahead but we are making the minimums)
3) Grateful that my husband has such a gentle caring heart that he would not only be OK with the children coming to live with us but he is waking up every morning after only 4 hours of sleep to get them off to school then going back to bed.
4) Grateful that my mom is trying to help me by keeping my autistic nephew as much as possible. And she is helping me by getting the children after school and keeping them for a hour till I can get home from work.
5) Grateful when I hear anyone of the children laughing. They are all such gifts from God.
6) I am so Grateful to God for the strength he has blessing me with to continue to keep going on a average of 5 hours of sleep.
7) Grateful I am able to be here for the kids in their time of need.
I am so many emotions besides "fine" these days. As you can see by this post I am still wandering aimlessly through trying to find my way.
.
I am angry:
1) Angry at my sister and her negative choices that are effecting her life, her children, and my life. She use to be such a good mom and a loving person with a kind heart. Angry because she seems to care more about herself and her husband instead of her children. Angry because I made the choice to not have children but because of my sister's actions I am forced to now be responsible for taking care of her children. (please don't misunderstand - I really do love the children and will do anything for them it's just this wasn't my plan for my life)
2) Angry at my mom because I need her to step up and be a take control mom instead of being needy . My attention is focused on the children that are now living with me so I can not have my mom calling crying and wanting me to be able to fix it or just listen. I need her to be strong and solve problems as they occur without asking me every time. She can be strong she just seems to have forgotten that since my dad past.
3) Angry that my husband refuses to hear me when I tell him I need physical affection. He does so much around the house to help to show me he loves me so much but he will not give me the physical touch I need. I will no longer beg for this touch only to be ignored as though I never said a word. To be so giving in some areas he is so selfish with his touch. There are so many moments I crave to be held in the strong arms of a man and feel his hands glide along my body.
4) Angry at our government at the horrible decisions they are making daily and there lack of concern for how we are going to make it. They have no idea how hard it is to decide if you buy food for the table or make the mortgage payment.
5) Angry at my self that I can't get it together enough lately to get better schedules for my new life. I think kids try to ensure that you can not keep the schedule you create. I gotta do them in pencil now and have the easier ready.
I am sad:
1) Sad to see my sister in such a state of disaster and there is very little I can do to help. In fact no one can help her at all if she won't try to help herself. So sad for the children having to go through this.
2) Sad that my dad was taken from us so early in life. My dad was my mom's very best friend and it makes me sad that she doesn't have him anymore. She was such a different person when she had dad by her side.
3) Sad that I might have to see if I can find a facility that can help with my autistic nephew since my mom's health isn't good enough to handle him and I can not manage to work full time, raise the 7, 9, and 16 year old, and care for a severe autistic 13 year old.
4) Sad to see how hard my husband is working at home and at work. Second shift is just beating him down.
5) Sad that I can't make the pain and fear the children are feeling go away. Even though I hold them in the night when they wake crying or afraid I never feel like I can do enough.
6) Sad as I read about how many people are unemployed and their homes are in foreclosure. Sad not seeing any hope of relief coming for us common folk yet the big wigs are doing just fine. Yesterday I took a side road through town because of road construction and I was in shock at a huge line of people waiting in line at the free soup kitchen. This facility provides a meal for people that are hungry and in need. The shock of reality of how many people were there brought tears to my eyes.
I am grateful:
1) Grateful that I have family and people that love me and I love them. ( I may not like them all right now but they are still a blessing)
2) Grateful that I have a job and that the job pays well enough to keep us afloat. (we aren't getting ahead but we are making the minimums)
3) Grateful that my husband has such a gentle caring heart that he would not only be OK with the children coming to live with us but he is waking up every morning after only 4 hours of sleep to get them off to school then going back to bed.
4) Grateful that my mom is trying to help me by keeping my autistic nephew as much as possible. And she is helping me by getting the children after school and keeping them for a hour till I can get home from work.
5) Grateful when I hear anyone of the children laughing. They are all such gifts from God.
6) I am so Grateful to God for the strength he has blessing me with to continue to keep going on a average of 5 hours of sleep.
7) Grateful I am able to be here for the kids in their time of need.
I am so many emotions besides "fine" these days. As you can see by this post I am still wandering aimlessly through trying to find my way.
.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Survey Says.......
To the person who sent me this survey so long ago - sorry it took me so long.........
1. What is your occupation right now? Contract Specialist.
2. What color are your socks right now? naked feet - no socks on.
3. What are you listening to right now? Nickelback song and the sound of my hands typing.
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Bagel w/cream cheese, fresh strawberries
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes (but I have a habit of driving to fast with stick)
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my mom
7. How old are you today? 39 (I have 8 more days till I join the 40 club)
8. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Can sex be a sport? - if not football.
9. What is your favorite drink?
Juice: Orange
Soda: 7Up
Alcohol: Margarita ( also like Mascato wine)
10. Favorite food? pasta
11. What is the last movie you watched? G.I. JOE (took nephew and niece to the drive-in)
12. Favorite day of the year? 4Th of July
13. How do you vent anger? sharp words and sometimes yell
14. What was your favorite toy as a child? brown teddy bear (yes, I still have it)
15. What is your favorite season? Summer
16. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries
17. Who is least likely to respond? No clue
18. Living arrangements? Married, living at home with my husband and dog.
19. When was the last time you cried? a week ago.
20. What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes.
21. What did you do last night? had dinner on the porch with hubby.
22. What are you most afraid of? Problems out of my control to solve.
23. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? spicy
24. Favorite dog breed? Doberman. (please don't tell my current Jack Russel terrier)
25. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
26. How many states have you lived in? 3
27. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds (duh)
28. What are your favorite flowers? daisy
29. One thing most people would never guess about you: this blog I write.
Once again random info about you that you never knew you needed to know..........
1. What is your occupation right now? Contract Specialist.
2. What color are your socks right now? naked feet - no socks on.
3. What are you listening to right now? Nickelback song and the sound of my hands typing.
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Bagel w/cream cheese, fresh strawberries
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes (but I have a habit of driving to fast with stick)
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my mom
7. How old are you today? 39 (I have 8 more days till I join the 40 club)
8. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Can sex be a sport? - if not football.
9. What is your favorite drink?
Juice: Orange
Soda: 7Up
Alcohol: Margarita ( also like Mascato wine)
10. Favorite food? pasta
11. What is the last movie you watched? G.I. JOE (took nephew and niece to the drive-in)
12. Favorite day of the year? 4Th of July
13. How do you vent anger? sharp words and sometimes yell
14. What was your favorite toy as a child? brown teddy bear (yes, I still have it)
15. What is your favorite season? Summer
16. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries
17. Who is least likely to respond? No clue
18. Living arrangements? Married, living at home with my husband and dog.
19. When was the last time you cried? a week ago.
20. What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes.
21. What did you do last night? had dinner on the porch with hubby.
22. What are you most afraid of? Problems out of my control to solve.
23. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? spicy
24. Favorite dog breed? Doberman. (please don't tell my current Jack Russel terrier)
25. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
26. How many states have you lived in? 3
27. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds (duh)
28. What are your favorite flowers? daisy
29. One thing most people would never guess about you: this blog I write.
Once again random info about you that you never knew you needed to know..........
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Funny little creatures
These funny little creatures known as children that are now living with me surprise me every day. For the sake of staying anonymous I will call them Jane and John. They are just so unpredictable! Examples you ask.........
1. Jane seems to think that if you close the toilet lid it will stop the toilet from overflowing therefore there is no need to mention it to me when you come back outside. ( I can't even begin to guess how many gallons of water we cleaned up) (did I mention there was so much water that it was pouring through the floor to the basement)
2. John seems to think that making the bathroom floor a wading pool each time he showers is a requirement.
3. John seems to think that if you keep opening the frig and looking in the food will magically change into something he wants.
4. Jane seems to think I am a short order cook and her sole purpose in the day is to see how many times she can say she is "starving" - only to eat 4 bites before she says she is full.
5. John has selective hearing when it comes to hearing me tell him to stop bouncing the ball in the house or please pick your hot wheels because it isn't funny when Auntie steps on them.
6. Jane also has selective hearing when I tell her to stop leaving her clothes and shoes where ever she takes them off at.
7. Last night I walked into the front room and witnessed Jane playing rope tug with the dog and she had the rope in her mouth!! She stated it is only fair since that she use her mouth since he has too. After explaining to her that the rope is yucky and the dog has had his mouth on it and he also puts his mouth on himself she agreed not to do it again. Then five minutes later she walks in the kitchen and says "do you think he licks himself before or after he plays with the rope" I am just not equipped for these type of questions!!!
8. John and Jane have issues with everything has to be fair and even - Steven. For example - Jane insisted on her glass of juice having the exact same amount as John's glass. Much time and effort is put in to ensure that each glass is at the exact same level of juice ( I was forced to review the line twice) only to find out after they finally agreed it is even that Jane doesn't even like this flavor of juice! Remind me again why I even agreed to review the juice line?
9. Since I take John and Jane to the beach to walk the dog often they have decided to collect "cool" rocks to bring back. I gave them each a bucket to store them in and when I asked them why I am finding the rocks all the around the house instead of in the bucket they informed me they are helping me "decorate the house". Seriously I didn't know I needed more decorations.
10. John (who is 9) insist on announcing all the bodily functions he has done - such as I burped or I just tooted (he was saying fart but I hate that word), I have to go poop or I just went poop. I have tried to explain to him that I have no interest in knowing these things but for some reason he finds humor in telling me. ( husband says it is a boy thing - but I think it is just wrong)
Well there you have it. The top ten examples of stories about the little creatures.
You know I am finding that regardless of how list prepared I attempt to be when you have children around you better make the list in pencil and carry a big eraser.................
1. Jane seems to think that if you close the toilet lid it will stop the toilet from overflowing therefore there is no need to mention it to me when you come back outside. ( I can't even begin to guess how many gallons of water we cleaned up) (did I mention there was so much water that it was pouring through the floor to the basement)
2. John seems to think that making the bathroom floor a wading pool each time he showers is a requirement.
3. John seems to think that if you keep opening the frig and looking in the food will magically change into something he wants.
4. Jane seems to think I am a short order cook and her sole purpose in the day is to see how many times she can say she is "starving" - only to eat 4 bites before she says she is full.
5. John has selective hearing when it comes to hearing me tell him to stop bouncing the ball in the house or please pick your hot wheels because it isn't funny when Auntie steps on them.
6. Jane also has selective hearing when I tell her to stop leaving her clothes and shoes where ever she takes them off at.
7. Last night I walked into the front room and witnessed Jane playing rope tug with the dog and she had the rope in her mouth!! She stated it is only fair since that she use her mouth since he has too. After explaining to her that the rope is yucky and the dog has had his mouth on it and he also puts his mouth on himself she agreed not to do it again. Then five minutes later she walks in the kitchen and says "do you think he licks himself before or after he plays with the rope" I am just not equipped for these type of questions!!!
8. John and Jane have issues with everything has to be fair and even - Steven. For example - Jane insisted on her glass of juice having the exact same amount as John's glass. Much time and effort is put in to ensure that each glass is at the exact same level of juice ( I was forced to review the line twice) only to find out after they finally agreed it is even that Jane doesn't even like this flavor of juice! Remind me again why I even agreed to review the juice line?
9. Since I take John and Jane to the beach to walk the dog often they have decided to collect "cool" rocks to bring back. I gave them each a bucket to store them in and when I asked them why I am finding the rocks all the around the house instead of in the bucket they informed me they are helping me "decorate the house". Seriously I didn't know I needed more decorations.
10. John (who is 9) insist on announcing all the bodily functions he has done - such as I burped or I just tooted (he was saying fart but I hate that word), I have to go poop or I just went poop. I have tried to explain to him that I have no interest in knowing these things but for some reason he finds humor in telling me. ( husband says it is a boy thing - but I think it is just wrong)
Well there you have it. The top ten examples of stories about the little creatures.
You know I am finding that regardless of how list prepared I attempt to be when you have children around you better make the list in pencil and carry a big eraser.................
I ain't that tough.......
I would like to announce - I am not a super hero hiding my cape under my shirt (not padding my bra) and I do not have any special powers! I am just a mere mortal facing the same day to day trials as everyone else.Therefore I can not handle one more person wanting to give their issues to me. Just because I don't have public melts downs or abuse a substance or vocally express my feeling of defeat doesn't mean I am made of nails and can continue to handle it. I may be strong but I ain't that tough. And another thing I would like to state is I don't find the comment " I wish I was as strong as you" as a compliment anymore. I just want to tell people to "suck it up". Again I refer back to the fact I have no super hero cape or powers. Oh my I am on rant. I guess I am currently in some serious need of energy. Not the keep me moving energy but the emotional - you can do all of this energy. I think I just need someone I can let my guard down with and draw energy from. Now I am not going to go getting all "new age" on you but I do believe that people can pull energy from each other. Most of the time I am giving energy without a problem because I have learned how to keep myself level but on occasion I give to much to long and I need someone to help me. The problem is I have so few people in my inner circle. Funny how I am very out-going and have many friends but yet I let so few into my inner circle. Once again I believe my villain is the the evil little word trust. For the safety of anyone that is still reading this post I am going to just end this rant and go to bed. I am sorry for any whining that might have come seeping through. I am sure in the light of tomorrow things will seem better and I will want to delete this post.
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Sunday, August 16, 2009
Upside Down
I am still around but my life has turned upside down and I haven't any free time to write. In fact this is going to be a quick update on my insanity. My suspicions about my sister and husband were correct and worse than I thought and without going into any more detail than that I now have my 9 year old nephew and 7 year old niece living with me full time and I am helping my mom with my 12 year old autistic nephew. Considering I am going from no children to now having two children (that are emotionally a wreck) I am a bit overwhelmed. Let me give you a quick run down of how my life and schedule have been for the last few weeks and you can tell me if I deserve to feel a bit overwhelmed:
- I just received a new boss at work and even more job responsibilities
- The car my husband drives to work is on it's way out quicker than we can fix.
- my zero % interest on credit card I put all our debt on is going from zero to 13% after September and I still don't have debt paid off.
- Something wrong with plumbing in the house
- My cat that I have had for just about 13 years died in my arms two days ago
- I have gone from being child free to a instant care given for two needy children.
- Need to convert this office to a bedroom for one of the children
- School is starting in three weeks so I need to get the kids registered assuming I still have them. (nothing has been legally set up yet)
- School supplies and clothes must be bought.
- Found out I didn't get the new position at work I applied for.
- Trying to do as much as I can to make this transition for my husband and kids as smooth as possible since nobody signed up for this one.
- Trying to prepare for the fact that the company my husband works for announced that the plant he works for will be closing permanently next summer so he will be without a job again.
Yep, these are few of the things that have me overwhelmed and not sleeping at night. As soon as I can get a smoother schedule worked out I will be back writing more frequent. I would love to stay and write more but I can currently hear the children arguing over who got more slices of banana from me..........
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
My recent burdens.....
In addition to the every day chaos I have two major additional issues that I have been plagued with addressing lately. The first is my wonderful kitty that has been a blessing in my life for over 12 years is in very bad health and is failing rather quickly. The second issue is I believe my sister is abusing her prescriptions from the doctor and there may be even more to that issue. The problem is she will not talk to me and when she does she isn't being honest. My heart is breaking for her and for her children. I can not even begin to count how many sleepless nights I have had over this. We were not brought up like this! We were not exposed to drugs but unfortunately she married a man that has had drug experience. He was clean and a good person when they meet so we believed that all his past was just that - his past. Please don't misunderstand me - I am not blaming him for anything my sister may or may not be choosing to do I am just stating where she could have been exposed to this lifestyle. Since I can not get her to listen directly to me I wrote her a letter to express my feelings at 3:00am when I was in a panic and couldn't sleep even though I had to go to work in a matter of hours. I hope she opens her email and actually reads this.....
Dear XXXXXX,
I don’t know where to begin this letter so I will start by telling you I love and care about you very much. The distance now between us breaks my heart since we have always been close. I am sorry that you feel like I am judging you or I am just being mean to you. That is not my intention. You have always been much better at the gentle approach at things and I have always been the more straight forward no sugar coating problem solver. I am at a loss these days on how or if you even want help. We have very little communication with the exception of occasional short phone calls where we just chat about surface subjects. I don’t understand the lack of communication since we have always talked to each other about everything our whole life. I think the only exception to that was when you first were with Steve but even that time of not talking was not for this long of a stretch. Even through the years when we have been depressed or angry or hurt we have always still had a relationship until now. I am not just blaming you for the distance because I know the issues in my life changed who I am and I am not as approachable at times as I stay focused in how to dig out the financial wreck. I am sorry for the times I come across rough. Some times when I am tough with you it is me trying to get you to reach down deep in yourself and pull out the inner strength I know you have. The reason I get upset is I know that you have what it takes in you to make it but you doubt yourself and don’t completely utilize it. It’s like you just don’t believe in you as much as I do. There is nothing out of your reach as long as you stretch yourself and keep moving FORWARD. (there is a difference in just moving and moving forward) I know depression better than many think but the difference is I refuse to let it own me or define who I am. I do not doubt that you are depressed but I am thinking there is more than just that going on. I think that other influences have also come into play such as drugs. ( whether prescription or not when it can even be heard in your voice I think it’s to much.) The anger that you hear in my voice is because I am upset with your decisions lately to just take the road of giving up instead of forging forward in the fight for better. I know that forging forward is extremely difficult and is exhausting but it also blesses us with rewards. I just never would have believed I would ever hear you talk about just giving up on your kids or ever see you put anything or anyone ahead of the children or telling me to just raise them. I can only imagine how difficult being a mom is but up until recently I thought you treasured the title. I do hold you to a higher harsher standard then others because you are my sister and I want you to give your children (our next generation) better memories, better examples, and better lives than we had. I want more for them than we had. I want them sheltered from anything happening like the negative bad issues that we faced in our childhood. God blessed you with your wonderful children and I believe he expects you to take good care of them in every way possible. God also blessed the children with you as their mom so I believe God expects you to take good care of you.
The bottom line is I love you and I am here for you so please reach out..
Dear XXXXXX,
I don’t know where to begin this letter so I will start by telling you I love and care about you very much. The distance now between us breaks my heart since we have always been close. I am sorry that you feel like I am judging you or I am just being mean to you. That is not my intention. You have always been much better at the gentle approach at things and I have always been the more straight forward no sugar coating problem solver. I am at a loss these days on how or if you even want help. We have very little communication with the exception of occasional short phone calls where we just chat about surface subjects. I don’t understand the lack of communication since we have always talked to each other about everything our whole life. I think the only exception to that was when you first were with Steve but even that time of not talking was not for this long of a stretch. Even through the years when we have been depressed or angry or hurt we have always still had a relationship until now. I am not just blaming you for the distance because I know the issues in my life changed who I am and I am not as approachable at times as I stay focused in how to dig out the financial wreck. I am sorry for the times I come across rough. Some times when I am tough with you it is me trying to get you to reach down deep in yourself and pull out the inner strength I know you have. The reason I get upset is I know that you have what it takes in you to make it but you doubt yourself and don’t completely utilize it. It’s like you just don’t believe in you as much as I do. There is nothing out of your reach as long as you stretch yourself and keep moving FORWARD. (there is a difference in just moving and moving forward) I know depression better than many think but the difference is I refuse to let it own me or define who I am. I do not doubt that you are depressed but I am thinking there is more than just that going on. I think that other influences have also come into play such as drugs. ( whether prescription or not when it can even be heard in your voice I think it’s to much.) The anger that you hear in my voice is because I am upset with your decisions lately to just take the road of giving up instead of forging forward in the fight for better. I know that forging forward is extremely difficult and is exhausting but it also blesses us with rewards. I just never would have believed I would ever hear you talk about just giving up on your kids or ever see you put anything or anyone ahead of the children or telling me to just raise them. I can only imagine how difficult being a mom is but up until recently I thought you treasured the title. I do hold you to a higher harsher standard then others because you are my sister and I want you to give your children (our next generation) better memories, better examples, and better lives than we had. I want more for them than we had. I want them sheltered from anything happening like the negative bad issues that we faced in our childhood. God blessed you with your wonderful children and I believe he expects you to take good care of them in every way possible. God also blessed the children with you as their mom so I believe God expects you to take good care of you.
The bottom line is I love you and I am here for you so please reach out..
The reason I share this with you all here is because I just needed a place to share this without worrying about being judged or being afraid it will be repeated. Yeah, I know people can judge and leave negative comments here but "hello" that is what the delete button is for and since I stay rather anonymous in blog land I feel OK to open up some.
This life of mine has been rather stressful lately and I am drudging forward right now BUT I will get my groove back and I will write a sassy fun post or a politic rant or heck even something light and fluffy again and I will get the bounce in my step back.
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