What's in the next Chapter?

Not forever..........

2010-05-05T18:07:00.001-05:00

My absence is not forever. I WILL BE BACK - and I will be sassier than ever...............

Snow.......

2010-02-10T21:13:00.002-06:00

I stepped to a new low for me and yet I feel invigorated! It had been a painfully long day that started at 5:30am and ended at 6:30pm with the "incident". To give the history of why the day was long let's start with when I woke up.
First --> Jumped in shower, got ready for work, put a load of laundry in the washer, took out chicken for dinner, woke up the two sleepy head children, cleaned snow off the Jeep, and left for work.Next --> tried to remain calm as I drove along side of dumb azz drivers that seem to forget how to drive in the snow. (HELLO - it snows here every winter so what is the problem)
Then --> worked all day, cleaned snow off the Jeep again, and drove along more dumb azz drivers to my doctors appointment, have appointment with this new specialist that had me come in for just a fricking consult (which I just know is going to cost me $300.00 and my insurance will not pay), cleaned snow off Jeep again, after that I drove along more dumb azz drivers to drop off some paperwork and go get the kids.
And Then --> Picked up the kids who by the way didn't have school so they were wild with cabin fever and I drove along more dumb azz drivers to go to the grocery store, we only went shopping for a few sale items, then I cleaned snow off Jeep again, went home, unloaded and put away groceries,changed from work attire to snow removal attire and proceeded outside to to shovel. I will note that having additional hands even though they are small hands definitely helps. Once outside I had to make the kids take off their gloves and "Rock-Paper-Scissors" for who got to use the orange shovel. (yes, that game is how we solve who goes first or who gets what arguments) I spent the next hour or so snow blowing and shoveling the 13" of snow we received yesterday for my house and of course I had to take care of the sidewalk for my 72 year old widow neighbor and for my neighbor who is on vacation in Florida. Since I have a corner house I already have double the amount of sidewalk as everyone else so that was a lot of snow removal that I did. I really don't like my husband working second shift cause I feel responsible for way to much.
And Then --> once in the house after the snow removal was done I had the kids do the wet clothes removal, I then changed clothes, decided chicken would take to long to cook so I made pizza, thumbed through the mail, and ran the wet clothes down to the laundry and switched over the load from the morning into the dryer.
AND THEN IT HAPPEN --> while downstairs doing clothes I heard it, then it felt like slow motion as I ran up the stairs as fast as I could and scurried out the back door only to witness but not be able to stop the city plow burying my driveway. Needless to say there was nothing I could do but spew many curse words and pick up a handful of snow make a snowball and throw it at the plow truck. Yep, had myself a bit of a fit on the porch cursing and throwing a snowball but for some unknown reason it felt invigorating launching that snowball. As I type this my defiant behavior of throwing a snowball still makes me smile. Thank goodness the kids did not see me throw that snowball or I would have to use the good old line "do as I say and not as I do."

The rather sad fact is all this happen on Tuesday therefore there are still three long working days ahead and the evil weather man says more snow by Friday.Again I am forced to remember that if I would have listened to my grandpa and not married a Yankee I wouldn't be up here in this fricking snowy cold state....................................

Time is sneaking by.........

2010-02-05T23:24:00.001-06:00

Well damn we are 36 days into this new year already and I am yet to write a fun filled creative post! Where has the inspired, sassy, creative, border line outspoken me gone. (Did you smirk when you read the borderline outspoken part?) Am I just to exhausted from cleaning up others messes (and I don't mean spilled milk) or just to tired since I have been plagued with anxiety attacks that have been waking me up at night or has the 12 hour a day schedule I keep finally caught up to me. REGARDLESS - what is causing this I will be finding a way to correct it and be back sassier than ever. I did say that 2010 will be the year for me to have some good changes...........

One word answers

2010-02-05T23:06:00.002-06:00

A friend sent me this last week and I am finally getting around to doing it and thought I would post it here too.

USING ONLY ONE WORD Not as easy as you might think! Now forward, change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers.

Where is your cell phone? purse
Significant other? sleeping
Your hair? Blond
Your mother? chatterbox
Your father? Memory
Your favorite thing? Beach
Your dream last night? none
Your favorite drink? Coffee
What room are you in? Office
Your hobby? Writing
Your fear? Hurt
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Warm
where were you last night? Home
Something that you aren’t? Relaxed
Muffins? Banana
Wish list item? Lottery
Last thing you did? Changed
What are you wearing? Boyshorts
TV? music
Your pets? Dog
Friends? Few
Your life? Stressful
Your mood? tipsy
Missing someone? Always
Drinking? Friday!
Your car? Jeep
Something you’re not wearing? Bra!!! ;)
Your favorite store? Kohl's
Your favorite color? Black
When is the last time you cried? Yesterday
Where do you go over and over? Work
My favorite place to eat? Home
Favorite place I’d like to be right now? Beach

One word answers were tough on a few of these. Hey if you decide to post this with your answers on your site please let me know so I can go read..

Hanging on by my pink painted fingernails.......

2010-01-31T17:25:00.008-06:00

It's been a month since I last posted and I would love to say it was because I was off having so much fun I lost track of time but no I am afraid not. Since time is not on my side this evening I am going to just highlight the insanity of the month for now and will elaborate when time allows.

The situation with my sister is still spiralling downward and the children are back living with me and it looks like it will be very long term.

Work has become extremely unstable and the new structure that I have been working on loading in the system goes "live" tomorrow and I know for a fact it isn't going to go smoothly.

Went to the doctor for a routine yearly check up and she found issues. The doctor has referred me to two specialist. The first specialist took a biopsy last week and the other specialist I haven't seen yet. This subject is definitely one I will need to write a whole post on.

Husband and I are still great roommates but that is the extent of it. The subject is now unapproachable.

The roof on my home that I was told years back to get replaced is now forcing me to get estimates and address the issue. I am not exactly sure how I am going to finance this but it has to be done before leak damage starts.

Well there are the highlights of the insanity that has me hanging on by my pink painted fingernails. I keep watching for a hand to reach out to me and pull in off this ledge........

Is silence really golden?

2009-12-30T21:24:00.002-06:00

The silence in the house is haunting and comforting at the same time. After spending the last four plus months with me the children have now gone back home. Seeing the happiness they express being with their parents makes me happy for them but there is also this nagging worry of fear that this is not over and I try to keep that hidden from everyone. I know that my worry stems from fear and trust issues but that doesn't make it any easier to handle -just easier to identify with it. I want to believe more than anything that my sister and her husband are getting their shi# together and would never go back to where they were. I guess time will help ease some of the worry. As far as the trusting issue I am not sure what will help with that. Ah yes the dreaded not trusting issue rears it's ugly head again. A time not so long ago I would have said that my sister was one of the only people in this world that I trust to tell all my deep dark secrets too. We once had this open honest relationship where we trusted each other. I haven't felt the same since all the lies about the drug use surfaced. I am working on forgiving and letting it be in the past but I am standoffish when it comes to trusting. I hate that about myself and would like to change it but it seems to be a self protecting trait that is embedded rather deep in my personality. I am not saying that if you make a mistake or tell me a white lie that I will never trust you again because I am much easier going than that. The losing of trust with me usually comes with a series of large lies or purposely hurting me for your own advantage.
This silence haunts me when I feel that emptiness caused by the children being gone and the silence comforts me by allowing me to hear my thoughts.
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daydreaming about night things..........

2009-12-13T20:05:00.002-06:00

Today here is where I chose to put down in writing the chaos that haunts my thoughts lately. What is enough to make one stay in a relationship instead of leaving? Is having someone who helps take care of all the house responsibilities enough? Is having someone who cares for you when your sick or sad enough? Is having someone that makes you feel safe when your scared, happy when you are sad, protected when you feel vulnerable enough? I have all of these things with my husband and he is my best friend but yet I miss physical touch and intimacy so badly that I am not the same person anymore. No, he is not physically challenged and can't touch me - he just doesn't. This is a subject that I try to speak to him about but he will not talk about it. When I speak to him I have tried every way of approaching it and nothing seems to help. I can sit and talk to him and beg him to talk about it and he will act as though I am not even there. He just refuses to talk about it to the point that I have had a screaming fit because he won't talk to me and I even threatened to get a "pool boy". I have never ever in the almost twenty years of knowing each other ever told him "no" or " I have a headache" so for him to reject me constantly hurts. When I really sit and think about it this didn't just start overnight and has been slowly leading up to this. For the last few years he would just give in after I had thrown a big enough fit and not let the subject go but now he has just stopped. I have tried to explain how horrible it makes me feel as a woman but apparently that doesn't matter. I don't understand why such a caring man would be so selfish as to not even try to talk this out. If there was some reason to why he is not I would try to understand. I really don't believe there is another woman either because his schedule is very routine without any questionable time periods or missing funds. It would be very difficult for him to be having an affair. I wonder if it is me. I can understand that I am older and heavier than I was when we meet but I am not a ogre and I still get flirted with when out. Heck I am a forty year old very girlie style blond with blue eyes and a caring heart and a good job AND I am open to being creative in the bedroom. So how bad can I be? I find myself getting snapping at him over the smallest things and I know it is because I am so over frustrated and a cold shower is just not cutting it. As people read this I am sure they are thinking I should be grateful that I am married to a man that has so many other wonderful qualities and I really am grateful for those qualities BUT today I am just really frustrated. I am not saying that physical touch and intimacy is everything but geez I miss it. And yes it would be safe to say that I am daydreaming about night things in the middle of the afternoon................
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No fun filled exciting life over here.............

2009-12-01T18:27:00.000-06:00

I wish I could say that the reason why I haven't been around lately is because I have been off having a amazing life filled with fun and excitement BUT no the reason for my absence is because life has been keeping me so busy that I can't seem to slow down long enough to write. In my last post I mentioned spending some time in here giving a life status update and about 5 minutes after I typed that I received a call from a friend in need so I forfeited my blog time. I will find a way to balance this crazy life of mine to include blog time. I am actually making some head way lately but I will write more about that in the next post. Wow, last time I wrote was before Thanksgiving. Of course I had Thanksgiving here at my house which went well. We were expecting more people than showed but 11 was plenty. I scaled back this year on the amount of different side dishes and desserts I made without anyone even mentioning something was missing. After dinner the men went to the TV room to watch sports, the kids huddled into the front room to watch the movie I rented them (Santa Buddies), and us girls began strategically plot out our Black Friday shopping plan. Believe me when I tell you there is a art to planning out how to get the best buys in the shortest amount of time with the shortest amount of stores to go to. To ensure that goal was met I did cheat just a little and shopped online Thanksgiving night at the Boston Store. This year since the stores were either open all night or really early we decided not to even bother going to sleep before we left. In the past the three of us girls have napped in my bed for a few hours before we left but not this year. (Oh yes, I am sure many comments are made by men about us three girls sleeping together and how lucky my husband is to witness this - but just to burst your visual bubble we are fully dressed except for our shoes)Well, before this post goes down a completely different road talking about why guys think girls together is hot I am going to end this post and go put another load of laundry in. For the love of God I can not figure out how we end up with so much laundry for four people.

Pumkin Head

2009-11-14T16:42:00.000-06:00

Pumkin head is going to get you! Well, for as long as it took me to make this dang thing I felt like I was going to turn into the pumkin head. Can you tell it is suppose to look like my Jack Russell Terrier? So when I was at work thinking this up it seemed like a fun idea but that evening after a hour of working on it I was having second thoughts.
As you can tell by the date I am rather late posting it. Even though I haven't been here faithfully lately I still really have been thinking about my blog. In fact I have a few rough drafts I have written that I will be posting this weekend. The kids are spending time with their parents this weekend. Assuming all goes well I will have this evening free and I plan on coming back to post. I suggest you grab a cup of coffee or beer or glass of wine and a snack cause I have so much to tell you................

I need more hours in the day...........

2009-10-19T08:44:00.000-05:00

I miss being here in blog world, I miss having wine in the evening, I miss long quiet hot bubble bathes, I miss the freedom of being irresponsible, and I miss many other parts of my life but currently time does not allot for them now that I am temporary guardian of my sisters children. What is my typical daily schedule like you ask - well here it goes.........

5:20am - Alarm clock goes off and I groan softly as I hit the snooze button
5:30am - Alarm clock goes off again and this time I get up and start the day.
5:30 to 6:30am - make coffee, take a shower, get ready for work, let the dog out, and wake the kids
6:30 to 6:45am - tell the kids again to get moving, get their breakfast ready, remind them of any evening plans we may have and remind them to be good.
6:45 to 7:00am - Drive very quickly to work in attempt to make a 25 minute drive 15 minutes. Also call mom to ensure she is up getting the other two children ready to go to school.
7:00am to 4:15/4:30 - work (as you can see I have scaled back my hours at the office)
4:30pm to 4:45pm - Drive very quickly to pick up kids in attempt to make a 25 minute drive 15 minutes. Also listen to voice mails and answer phone calls
4:50 to 5:15pm - get the kids to clean up any messes at mom's, collect their book bags, get a report on behavior from mom and load them up to get home.
5:30 to 6:30 pm - let dog out, make dinner, feed the kids dinner, clean up dinner mess, and begin the evening ritual of tending to them.
6:30 to 8:00pm - go over homework, tell them to stop arguing, reminding them of hands off each one policy, lead them to bathroom to take bath and brush teeth, help them get their clothes out for the next day, make constant deals of "if you be good" we can do this on the weekend.
8:00 to 9:00pm - get them to wind down and get ready for bed, have them put away or finish any game we are playing, lead them to bed to lay down and watch a half hour of TV (which sometimes puts them to sleep)
9:00 to 10:00pm - run around cleaning up the evening messes, put away the dinner dishes, make lunches for the next day, go do a load of never ending laundry, make any calls that need to be made, try to get through the mail pile and pay bills, do any work I have brought home from the office, and let dog out one more time
10:00 to 10:30pm - attempt to stay awake and watch the news.
10:30 to 11:40pm - sleep
11:40 to 12:00am - awake up make pot of coffee for hubby and chat with hubby who gets home from second shift.
12:00 to 5:20am - try to sleep straight through without waking up with a anxiety attack.

Of course this is just the basics of what I am trying to accomplish in a day without the extras like grocery store trips, shopping for Halloween costumes, having birthday parties, kids having sleep overs, and all the other things that go with children in our life. If I could just get a couple more hours in my day................

Birthday Blues..........

2009-09-17T22:06:00.000-05:00

I turned 40 this week.
I wish I could say that my family or friends threw me a wonderful surprise party like I have done for all of them but the timing of my birthday was off with their schedule I guess.
I wish I could say I accomplished finishing my "To Do" before 40 list but no such luck.
I wish I could say my husband did something thoughtful but that did not happen either. Well he did give me a card around midnight that night when he got home from work so I guess I should give him some credit - but not much.
I wish I could say that this first day in my forties was going better than my last day in my thirties but that isn't so.
I wish I could say I am not disappointed but that is just not true......................

As you tell I am a bit down today so I think it is best I just end this post. I really really try hard not to have expectations because that just opens me up to hurt but every once in a while I have a weak moment. Damn me.....Next year I think I will treat myself and plan to go away somewhere fun for my birthday. Wanna come?

Fine just ain't cutting it..........

2009-09-17T21:48:00.000-05:00

Instead of my typical I am fine and how are you response I would love to be completely honest with someone when asked "how are you". Only one person outside of the direct people involved know about any of this insanity. Since I am almost completely anonymous here I am going to tell you how I really am..........
I am angry:
1) Angry at my sister and her negative choices that are effecting her life, her children, and my life. She use to be such a good mom and a loving person with a kind heart. Angry because she seems to care more about herself and her husband instead of her children. Angry because I made the choice to not have children but because of my sister's actions I am forced to now be responsible for taking care of her children. (please don't misunderstand - I really do love the children and will do anything for them it's just this wasn't my plan for my life)
2) Angry at my mom because I need her to step up and be a take control mom instead of being needy . My attention is focused on the children that are now living with me so I can not have my mom calling crying and wanting me to be able to fix it or just listen. I need her to be strong and solve problems as they occur without asking me every time. She can be strong she just seems to have forgotten that since my dad past.
3) Angry that my husband refuses to hear me when I tell him I need physical affection. He does so much around the house to help to show me he loves me so much but he will not give me the physical touch I need. I will no longer beg for this touch only to be ignored as though I never said a word. To be so giving in some areas he is so selfish with his touch. There are so many moments I crave to be held in the strong arms of a man and feel his hands glide along my body.
4) Angry at our government at the horrible decisions they are making daily and there lack of concern for how we are going to make it. They have no idea how hard it is to decide if you buy food for the table or make the mortgage payment.
5) Angry at my self that I can't get it together enough lately to get better schedules for my new life. I think kids try to ensure that you can not keep the schedule you create. I gotta do them in pencil now and have the easier ready.

I am sad:
1) Sad to see my sister in such a state of disaster and there is very little I can do to help. In fact no one can help her at all if she won't try to help herself. So sad for the children having to go through this.
2) Sad that my dad was taken from us so early in life. My dad was my mom's very best friend and it makes me sad that she doesn't have him anymore. She was such a different person when she had dad by her side.
3) Sad that I might have to see if I can find a facility that can help with my autistic nephew since my mom's health isn't good enough to handle him and I can not manage to work full time, raise the 7, 9, and 16 year old, and care for a severe autistic 13 year old.
4) Sad to see how hard my husband is working at home and at work. Second shift is just beating him down.
5) Sad that I can't make the pain and fear the children are feeling go away. Even though I hold them in the night when they wake crying or afraid I never feel like I can do enough.
6) Sad as I read about how many people are unemployed and their homes are in foreclosure. Sad not seeing any hope of relief coming for us common folk yet the big wigs are doing just fine. Yesterday I took a side road through town because of road construction and I was in shock at a huge line of people waiting in line at the free soup kitchen. This facility provides a meal for people that are hungry and in need. The shock of reality of how many people were there brought tears to my eyes.

I am grateful:
1) Grateful that I have family and people that love me and I love them. ( I may not like them all right now but they are still a blessing)
2) Grateful that I have a job and that the job pays well enough to keep us afloat. (we aren't getting ahead but we are making the minimums)
3) Grateful that my husband has such a gentle caring heart that he would not only be OK with the children coming to live with us but he is waking up every morning after only 4 hours of sleep to get them off to school then going back to bed.
4) Grateful that my mom is trying to help me by keeping my autistic nephew as much as possible. And she is helping me by getting the children after school and keeping them for a hour till I can get home from work.
5) Grateful when I hear anyone of the children laughing. They are all such gifts from God.
6) I am so Grateful to God for the strength he has blessing me with to continue to keep going on a average of 5 hours of sleep.
7) Grateful I am able to be here for the kids in their time of need.

I am so many emotions besides "fine" these days. As you can see by this post I am still wandering aimlessly through trying to find my way.
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Survey Says.......

2009-09-06T08:36:00.000-05:00

To the person who sent me this survey so long ago - sorry it took me so long.........

1. What is your occupation right now? Contract Specialist.
2. What color are your socks right now? naked feet - no socks on.
3. What are you listening to right now? Nickelback song and the sound of my hands typing.
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Bagel w/cream cheese, fresh strawberries
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes (but I have a habit of driving to fast with stick)
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my mom
7. How old are you today? 39 (I have 8 more days till I join the 40 club)
8. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Can sex be a sport? - if not football.
9. What is your favorite drink?
Juice: Orange
Soda: 7Up
Alcohol: Margarita ( also like Mascato wine)
10. Favorite food? pasta
11. What is the last movie you watched? G.I. JOE (took nephew and niece to the drive-in)
12. Favorite day of the year? 4Th of July
13. How do you vent anger? sharp words and sometimes yell
14. What was your favorite toy as a child? brown teddy bear (yes, I still have it)
15. What is your favorite season? Summer
16. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries
17. Who is least likely to respond? No clue
18. Living arrangements? Married, living at home with my husband and dog.
19. When was the last time you cried? a week ago.
20. What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes.
21. What did you do last night? had dinner on the porch with hubby.
22. What are you most afraid of? Problems out of my control to solve.
23. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? spicy
24. Favorite dog breed? Doberman. (please don't tell my current Jack Russel terrier)
25. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
26. How many states have you lived in? 3
27. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds (duh)
28. What are your favorite flowers? daisy
29. One thing most people would never guess about you: this blog I write.

Once again random info about you that you never knew you needed to know..........

Funny little creatures

2009-09-01T19:43:00.000-05:00

These funny little creatures known as children that are now living with me surprise me every day. For the sake of staying anonymous I will call them Jane and John. They are just so unpredictable! Examples you ask.........

1. Jane seems to think that if you close the toilet lid it will stop the toilet from overflowing therefore there is no need to mention it to me when you come back outside. ( I can't even begin to guess how many gallons of water we cleaned up) (did I mention there was so much water that it was pouring through the floor to the basement)

2. John seems to think that making the bathroom floor a wading pool each time he showers is a requirement.

3. John seems to think that if you keep opening the frig and looking in the food will magically change into something he wants.

4. Jane seems to think I am a short order cook and her sole purpose in the day is to see how many times she can say she is "starving" - only to eat 4 bites before she says she is full.

5. John has selective hearing when it comes to hearing me tell him to stop bouncing the ball in the house or please pick your hot wheels because it isn't funny when Auntie steps on them.

6. Jane also has selective hearing when I tell her to stop leaving her clothes and shoes where ever she takes them off at.

7. Last night I walked into the front room and witnessed Jane playing rope tug with the dog and she had the rope in her mouth!! She stated it is only fair since that she use her mouth since he has too. After explaining to her that the rope is yucky and the dog has had his mouth on it and he also puts his mouth on himself she agreed not to do it again. Then five minutes later she walks in the kitchen and says "do you think he licks himself before or after he plays with the rope" I am just not equipped for these type of questions!!!

8. John and Jane have issues with everything has to be fair and even - Steven. For example - Jane insisted on her glass of juice having the exact same amount as John's glass. Much time and effort is put in to ensure that each glass is at the exact same level of juice ( I was forced to review the line twice) only to find out after they finally agreed it is even that Jane doesn't even like this flavor of juice! Remind me again why I even agreed to review the juice line?

9. Since I take John and Jane to the beach to walk the dog often they have decided to collect "cool" rocks to bring back. I gave them each a bucket to store them in and when I asked them why I am finding the rocks all the around the house instead of in the bucket they informed me they are helping me "decorate the house". Seriously I didn't know I needed more decorations.

10. John (who is 9) insist on announcing all the bodily functions he has done - such as I burped or I just tooted (he was saying fart but I hate that word), I have to go poop or I just went poop. I have tried to explain to him that I have no interest in knowing these things but for some reason he finds humor in telling me. ( husband says it is a boy thing - but I think it is just wrong)

Well there you have it. The top ten examples of stories about the little creatures.
You know I am finding that regardless of how list prepared I attempt to be when you have children around you better make the list in pencil and carry a big eraser.................

I ain't that tough.......

2009-09-01T19:35:00.000-05:00

I would like to announce - I am not a super hero hiding my cape under my shirt (not padding my bra) and I do not have any special powers! I am just a mere mortal facing the same day to day trials as everyone else.Therefore I can not handle one more person wanting to give their issues to me. Just because I don't have public melts downs or abuse a substance or vocally express my feeling of defeat doesn't mean I am made of nails and can continue to handle it. I may be strong but I ain't that tough. And another thing I would like to state is I don't find the comment " I wish I was as strong as you" as a compliment anymore. I just want to tell people to "suck it up". Again I refer back to the fact I have no super hero cape or powers. Oh my I am on rant. I guess I am currently in some serious need of energy. Not the keep me moving energy but the emotional - you can do all of this energy. I think I just need someone I can let my guard down with and draw energy from. Now I am not going to go getting all "new age" on you but I do believe that people can pull energy from each other. Most of the time I am giving energy without a problem because I have learned how to keep myself level but on occasion I give to much to long and I need someone to help me. The problem is I have so few people in my inner circle. Funny how I am very out-going and have many friends but yet I let so few into my inner circle. Once again I believe my villain is the the evil little word trust. For the safety of anyone that is still reading this post I am going to just end this rant and go to bed. I am sorry for any whining that might have come seeping through. I am sure in the light of tomorrow things will seem better and I will want to delete this post.
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Upside Down

2009-08-16T08:01:00.000-05:00

I am still around but my life has turned upside down and I haven't any free time to write. In fact this is going to be a quick update on my insanity. My suspicions about my sister and husband were correct and worse than I thought and without going into any more detail than that I now have my 9 year old nephew and 7 year old niece living with me full time and I am helping my mom with my 12 year old autistic nephew. Considering I am going from no children to now having two children (that are emotionally a wreck) I am a bit overwhelmed. Let me give you a quick run down of how my life and schedule have been for the last few weeks and you can tell me if I deserve to feel a bit overwhelmed:

I just received a new boss at work and even more job responsibilities
The car my husband drives to work is on it's way out quicker than we can fix.
my zero % interest on credit card I put all our debt on is going from zero to 13% after September and I still don't have debt paid off.
Something wrong with plumbing in the house
My cat that I have had for just about 13 years died in my arms two days ago
I have gone from being child free to a instant care given for two needy children.
Need to convert this office to a bedroom for one of the children
School is starting in three weeks so I need to get the kids registered assuming I still have them. (nothing has been legally set up yet)
School supplies and clothes must be bought.
Found out I didn't get the new position at work I applied for.
Trying to do as much as I can to make this transition for my husband and kids as smooth as possible since nobody signed up for this one.
Trying to prepare for the fact that the company my husband works for announced that the plant he works for will be closing permanently next summer so he will be without a job again.

Yep, these are few of the things that have me overwhelmed and not sleeping at night. As soon as I can get a smoother schedule worked out I will be back writing more frequent. I would love to stay and write more but I can currently hear the children arguing over who got more slices of banana from me..........

My recent burdens.....

2009-07-29T20:51:00.000-05:00

In addition to the every day chaos I have two major additional issues that I have been plagued with addressing lately. The first is my wonderful kitty that has been a blessing in my life for over 12 years is in very bad health and is failing rather quickly. The second issue is I believe my sister is abusing her prescriptions from the doctor and there may be even more to that issue. The problem is she will not talk to me and when she does she isn't being honest. My heart is breaking for her and for her children. I can not even begin to count how many sleepless nights I have had over this. We were not brought up like this! We were not exposed to drugs but unfortunately she married a man that has had drug experience. He was clean and a good person when they meet so we believed that all his past was just that - his past. Please don't misunderstand me - I am not blaming him for anything my sister may or may not be choosing to do I am just stating where she could have been exposed to this lifestyle. Since I can not get her to listen directly to me I wrote her a letter to express my feelings at 3:00am when I was in a panic and couldn't sleep even though I had to go to work in a matter of hours. I hope she opens her email and actually reads this.....

Dear XXXXXX,

I don’t know where to begin this letter so I will start by telling you I love and care about you very much. The distance now between us breaks my heart since we have always been close. I am sorry that you feel like I am judging you or I am just being mean to you. That is not my intention. You have always been much better at the gentle approach at things and I have always been the more straight forward no sugar coating problem solver. I am at a loss these days on how or if you even want help. We have very little communication with the exception of occasional short phone calls where we just chat about surface subjects. I don’t understand the lack of communication since we have always talked to each other about everything our whole life. I think the only exception to that was when you first were with Steve but even that time of not talking was not for this long of a stretch. Even through the years when we have been depressed or angry or hurt we have always still had a relationship until now. I am not just blaming you for the distance because I know the issues in my life changed who I am and I am not as approachable at times as I stay focused in how to dig out the financial wreck. I am sorry for the times I come across rough. Some times when I am tough with you it is me trying to get you to reach down deep in yourself and pull out the inner strength I know you have. The reason I get upset is I know that you have what it takes in you to make it but you doubt yourself and don’t completely utilize it. It’s like you just don’t believe in you as much as I do. There is nothing out of your reach as long as you stretch yourself and keep moving FORWARD. (there is a difference in just moving and moving forward) I know depression better than many think but the difference is I refuse to let it own me or define who I am. I do not doubt that you are depressed but I am thinking there is more than just that going on. I think that other influences have also come into play such as drugs. ( whether prescription or not when it can even be heard in your voice I think it’s to much.) The anger that you hear in my voice is because I am upset with your decisions lately to just take the road of giving up instead of forging forward in the fight for better. I know that forging forward is extremely difficult and is exhausting but it also blesses us with rewards. I just never would have believed I would ever hear you talk about just giving up on your kids or ever see you put anything or anyone ahead of the children or telling me to just raise them. I can only imagine how difficult being a mom is but up until recently I thought you treasured the title. I do hold you to a higher harsher standard then others because you are my sister and I want you to give your children (our next generation) better memories, better examples, and better lives than we had. I want more for them than we had. I want them sheltered from anything happening like the negative bad issues that we faced in our childhood. God blessed you with your wonderful children and I believe he expects you to take good care of them in every way possible. God also blessed the children with you as their mom so I believe God expects you to take good care of you.

The bottom line is I love you and I am here for you so please reach out..

The reason I share this with you all here is because I just needed a place to share this without worrying about being judged or being afraid it will be repeated. Yeah, I know people can judge and leave negative comments here but "hello" that is what the delete button is for and since I stay rather anonymous in blog land I feel OK to open up some.

This life of mine has been rather stressful lately and I am drudging forward right now BUT I will get my groove back and I will write a sassy fun post or a politic rant or heck even something light and fluffy again and I will get the bounce in my step back.

Is it a funk or mosquito bites

2009-07-14T18:42:00.000-05:00

I have been in a funk lately - just going through the motions without much emotion. Maybe it is a allergic reaction from all the mosquito bites and not a funk. I am telling you those dang bugs attacked me like I was their only meal available. They just all ganged up on me while I was weeding the garden. I have mosquito bites in places that I can't itch in public! (maybe I should say shouldn't and not can't) You would laugh watching me squirm around in my chair at work trying to itch them without actually scratching. And I must tell you that I have OCD with mosquito bites. I can not stop itching them and believe me when I say I have tried every remedy to make them stop itching. The only thing that sometimes works is when I make a cross in the bite with my finger nail. Please don't ask me why I think that works or where I got the idea cause I have no clue. I am now bathing in "OFF" before I step outside. So, instead of my signature smell of Chanel 5 perfume I am sporting the fresh scent "OFF" for the summer. Wow I completely veered off from my original subject of this post. And now Back to the possible funk I brought up at the beginning. I have been feeling this way for a while now just going through the motions of doing what needs to be done without much emotional involvement. This past Sunday while sitting on the porch having coffee I realized that the summer is going to slip by me and I am going to miss the fun if I don't snap out of this funky mood and start enjoying it. That thought caused me to go slip on my sandals, grab the leash, and take my little man for a walk on the beach. (my dog not my husband)(ha ha I just pictured hubby on a leash) The sand on my feet, the wind in my hair, and watching my puppy run along the beach line is just what I needed to remind to check back in and shake the funky mood off. We walked along the water edge for two hours just enjoying the day - well I walked and he ran back and forth attempting to catch a seagull as they landed on the beach. I found a few pieces of sea glass that I brought home as a reminder to strive for serenity and watch out for that funky mood.

What has kept me away.......

2009-06-15T20:26:00.000-05:00

Wow, by the date on my last entry it has been a while since I have taken time for me. Life has been really busy lately.

The sad -life's not fair - things that have been going on:

* I have attended three funerals in a two week span of time and all three people were under the age of 50. Life is so much more fragile than we ever want to believe.
* A really good friend ( in our wedding party) went to the doctor for shortness of breath only to be operated on that same day for 98% blockage to the heart. Up until that day he had been in perfect health with no heart condition! This is the friend that just had a surprise 50th birthday party.
* Been trying to be the positive strength for two siblings that are still in an emotional downward spiral one because of finances and the other with possible addiction problems. I am not the kind of person to sugar coat the problem for them nor do I do well with poor me excuses. I am an action person – identify the problem and come up with an action plan to fix it. Unfortunately neither sibling is at the point of pursuing an action plan so I am biting my tongue and trying to just be a SILENT positive strength. (my tongue hurts from so much biting)
* I have been sitting down with the bills and the budget and working on how to keep us afloat even though it feels like we are constantly taking on water.

Now on to the good things that have kept me so busy I haven’t take time for me in here:

*We expanded the garden and got it planted. The garden has tomatoes, green peppers, onions, carrots, lettuce, garlic, cilantro, basil, and jalapeno peppers. In past years it was just a small salsa garden but this year we expanded and added more veggies. And guess what? My lettuce is already sprouting up!
*I have my flower beds weeded and the flowers are blooming. If I had a dollar for every damn weed I pulled I would be out of debt!
*The pool is open and clean. Now if the temperature would soar above the 70’s I might get to splash around in it or at least float on my raft.
*Front porch is painted. Trim around the garage is painted. Both over sized wood beach chairs have been painted. I am so glad I over bought painted a few years back when the money situation was good. And thank goodness the house is brick because I am sick of painting!
*Planning my favorite event – our 4th of July party. This is my favorite party of the year and even though money is really tight I am pretty creative so it will still be a good time.

So, that is what has been going on in my life lately. I know – not very exciting to most - but it’s my life.
The weeks to come will be busy – my mom’s birthday is the 30th , I promised my nephew and niece a pool day with me, going to take a day off and go to my sister’s house and encourage her and show her I do care by helping her get her house organized, and of course I am going to be busy getting the 4th of July party/cookout ready.

~ note to self – After reading this I need to examine why I put time for me (like writing here) on hold every time other things happen. Why do I not make myself a priority? ~

Pillar is weakened...................

2009-04-19T07:59:00.000-05:00

There is a song called "Broken" by LIGHTHOUSE that has so many phrases in this song describe exactly how I am feeling inside but will not express outside of writing it here where I am anonymous. Some like:

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing, I'm in the pain, I'm still holding on...........

Ok, yes I am being a bit dramatic with the song I picked but seriously being the pillar of strength for my family is exhausting. When my dad past away suddenly a few years back my mom mentally absorbed herself in her own grief leaving me the oldest child to step up to become the stable pillar that my five siblings come to. All but one of my siblings were still in their twenties when dad past. We have had our challenges amongst each other and one sister who lives out east still cuts herself off from part of us. In my role I hold secrets and dreams for them, I listen and counsel them, I have been a loan officer ( as dad always said - some of have champagne taste on a beer budget), I am the family event and holiday organizer, I am their sister, and sometimes the parent. Through the years wearing so many hats has been manageable since they seemed to all take turns having issues but lately they have began to gang up on me and three out of five are having serious problems at the same time. Their problems are very different from each other but they are all very stressful and life changing. This is the first time that they are having problems that I can't step in and fix. As you can guess the stay in control part of my personality is not dealing well with this. Each one of my siblings are being forced to make some life changing decisions for themselves. The even worse part of all this is each one has been attempting to keep it from the whole family because of feeling like they failed or are a disappointment. For those of you who don't come from a large family let me just inform you it is almost impossible to keep a family secret (well unless it the children keeping it from the parents) By no means am I saying that I haven't been putting my two sense trying to guide them but I am having to do this in a rather round about way. It is heart breaking watching each one struggle and gut wrenching holding my breath waiting for their choice in the future to unfold. I don't really want to go into detail of the issues they are facing but the subject of the issues are- financial destructing, toxic spouse destroying marriage, and one possible turning to much to alcohol in attempt to drown sorrows. ( say possible because we were brought up with absolutely no alcohol and the sister who told me about this has always been a bit extreme) I know they are all adults and they have to live with their decision but I hurt knowing they are hurting. I wish my dad was here to make it all better...............

A Seeker.....

2009-04-03T21:22:00.001-05:00

The mood of the day is frustrated and better throw in there border line cranky too. I am surrounded by people that are choosing to be victims of problems and circumstances instead of solution seekers. There is always a answer to problems - it may not be the answer you want but still it is a answer to the issue which allows you can move forward. Why do people let issues own them and ultimately destroy who they are? I am not saying one has to be tough all the time cause it is only natural to have a bad times - I have days that life gets the best of me and I feel like a hamster running in that plastic ball going no where and then someone kicks that ball down the stairs. But where I try to differ is the thought process after this happens. The people that are victims of problems will blame their bad choices or any other problem on the ball incident feeling sorry for themselves and solution seekers will use the ball incident as a experience and learn from it so they can steer clear from the ball and will share this knowledge with others in hopes they learn from the misfortune and if they end up back in the ball they will remember to just roll with it. I know very well that we can be faced with numerous kicks all at once that leads us into a free falling spin leaving us feeling beaten,hurting, and depressed BUT we must not let that own us. If we let that consume who we are then the people that hurt us with the kicks win. See those people may win the battle that day by kicking BUT we win the war by not letting it define us. Thank your lucky stars I am not in a making a list mood or I would list my demons that cause me to seek solutions and back up plans.............

Till the wave passes

2009-04-02T18:14:00.002-05:00

Heart rate is increasing. I can actually feel my heart beating even though it feels like a elephant is sitting on my chest. I begin to take deep breaths trying to calm myself and stop what is coming. My mind begins to race from subject to subject as though it is searching for the exact event to use against me. I am now going into that horrible state of suspense which seems to last forever. Most only go into a state of suspense for that short time when you just know the murderer in the movie is going to get the next victim but you are forced to the edge of your chair waiting. My mind has decides on a event that has happened or might happen and has began picking apart everything negative it can develop about this and feeds it to the worry sensor in me. Now my heart is racing, I'm feel in a state of suspense, and worry consumes me about something that may or may not have happened. This is what a PANIC ATTACK feels like for me. My first attack was almost two years ago and when it happen I had no idea what was happening and thought I was either having heart problems or I was losing my mind. After going to see my doctor about either heart surgery or a nice mental facility she explained it was neither and I was having panic attacks. I was not very open to this diagnosis and requested a test to be run to confirm. How was I to know there was no such test? The doctor explained that there is a prescription that she would give me for these attacks. Knowing that I am not a big fan of taking drugs she explained that I don't have to take it daily and only have to take the pill when I feel a attack coming on. The doctor also stated that I may not have these attacks forever. Sometimes huge amounts of stress or life changing events can trigger the onset of these attacks and sometimes after you have made it through and dealt with these events the attacks will stop. (Huge amounts of stress - HELLO - the death of 7 family members in a 2 year period, dealing with my mom who was extremely mentally fragile, husband betrayed my trust and almost bankrupt us, and have you seen what Obama is doing to this country) Anytime these attacks want to go away is fine with me. I have come a long way since the first panic attack episodes and have now learned how to talk myself down better. In fact I only take one of the pills if the attack is in the evening and it is effecting my ability to sleep or if I wake up in the middle of the night with a attack. (those are the worse) I have learned to take deep lung filling breathes and self talk my way through most attacks now. I know it may sound funny when I say I have to talk rational to my irrational thinking but it works for me. I have also been known to continuously repeat something in my head (like the Lord's prayer) and stay focused repeating it till the wave of panic passes. Not sure why I decided to share this piece of me today but there you have it - another bit of information you really didn't need to know................

Angry ranting........

2009-03-28T16:21:00.000-05:00

wtf?
First the president finds time to go on Leno making an inappropriate comment about special needs events and then give a bizarre cackling laugh interview that seemingly has many confused and wondering about his mental state.
And now.....
President Barack Obama's intelligence chief confirmed Thursday that some Guantanamo inmates may be released on US soil and receive assistance to return to society.
"If we are to release them in the United States, we need some sort of assistance for them to start a new life," said National Intelligence Director Dennis Blair at his first press conference.
"You can't just put them on the street," he added. "All that is work in progress.

Are any of you that voted for him lowering your head in shame yet?

burst that little romantic bubble

2009-03-25T17:58:00.000-05:00

Spent some time with a friend that doesn't "have to" work. As much as I get jealous of her daily freedom to sit outside in the summer soaking up the sun or staying bundled up inside when it is snowing I don't really believe I would be comfortable doing that. Most of the time I get caught up in the romantic ideas of getting to stay home like cooking hubby meals from scratch every evening, picture perfect clean house, caring for large garden, baking him weekly sweets, having time to work on my book, and being a foster mom. Yes, those are romantic ideas to me! Probably cause I work a shit load of hours and have no time to do any of those things very well right now. Once I burst that little romantic bubble and look at the reality I realize that I don't want to be that dependant on anyone to the point that I would have no way to provide for myself if he wasn't there. I know if he divorces I get half in this state and if he died I would get it all BUT that isn't going to last my lifetime. Heck, I would be sad and be looking for a job. Hhhhmm, wonder if my friend ever worries about that. It doesn't seem to be a concern for her but who knows what really keeps her up at night. I work for the money of course but I also work for the independence it gives me. It gives me financial independence and self independence. I don't have to stay in my marriage because I am dependant on his income and I don't have to stay because I don't have the confidence or feeling of worth. Funny how having a job makes me feel trapped in some ways yet free in others. I guess to have it all I am going to need to be independently wealthy so I can do the romantic ideas of getting to stay home till they aren't fun anymore then I can hire someone else to do them for me while I go to work.

Shoe - 12 Step program needed.........

2009-03-25T17:37:00.000-05:00

Hi, my name is @@@@ and I am a shoe addict. I am completely powerless against the will to have more cute shoes. A friend called last week that I haven't seen in weeks and invited me to go get coffee and run to a store that was holding a order for her. The coffee and conversation was wonderful - we chatted about our crazy schedules, inattentive husbands and the want for a boy toy (ha ha), our jobs, the economy, the sadness of our thirties ending this year, and girl stuff I won't be mentioning here. After having more caffeine then should be legally allowed we were off to the store. At first she was just going to run in and pick up the order but then we decided I would park and go in with her. This is where the story shifts from harmless fun to me needing a 12 step program. Of course we had to pass the shoe department to get to the customer service register and of course this absolutely perfect pair of shoes stopped me in my tracks. In fact I believe these shoes were calling my name. (uh oh I just admitted to hearing voices) Any way I began to get the shakes as I approached the shoe display. I honestly was just going to look BUT NO my friends says "they are so cute - try them on" I knew better than to do it but the little evil one sitting on my left shoulder said "go ahead it doesn't cost anything to try on" Ha - fat chance I was just trying on and not buying after I got my foot in them. Any hoot needless to say here are my new shoes that I didn't want but NEEDED. Yep, I am powerless.

Sorry about the picture quality but my camera issues will be another rant posting later.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any of you foot fetish people that get electrocuted licking your computer screen because of my foot being on one the pictures.

Are you just passing through?

2009-03-22T18:20:00.000-05:00

It is amazing how some people just pass through your life and how others stay for the journey. Sometimes it is your journey and sometimes it is their journey. I am feeling a bit nostalgic lately but not sure exactly which life event is causing it. I found out about the passing of a friend who I had lost contact with recently and this reminded me just how short life can be. (she was my age) I also received rather sad news about a family member who has been diagnosed with cancer and be be starting chemo next week.
During January through March I get into this nesting mood and I usually take on a home project or two, cook and bake more, spend weekends in my flannel lounge pants, and dream up new summer ideas. I have been doing these normal rituals but I have also stepped out of my routine and have been checking in with the people in my circle of life. I have gone over to visit some, sent a few Thinking of you cards, and have made a point to spend one evening a week making short "how are you calls". I know I should do these things all the time but you know as well as I do life gets crazy and hectic and before you know it time gets away from you. I have a heck of a time juggling it all sometimes but that is no excuse for neglecting the important people in my life. Any how that is one of the reasons I haven't been posting very often lately. But don't you worry cause the home improvement projects are just about complete (budget will not allow for more) so I will be back here ranting again. Oh, I definitely will be ranting about how if you want to see how compatible you are with your spouse try fixing a leaking faucet together with nothing more than google instructions. ( He is lucky the ground is still frozen so there is no place to hide a body) And just for your amusement it took two trips to the hardware store, the purchase of a new faucet, then a purchase of new under the sink pipes, four hours of quality time cramped in the bathroom, lots of cussing, and the promise that we will never do this again! And if that isn't funny enough I was told by someone today "a new faucet wasn't needed- it was probably just a little rubber washer needed to fix that". This was told to me by one the people I called for one of those "how are you"calls. See, this is the shit I go through trying to be good.............

One man's truth...

2009-03-03T18:35:00.000-06:00

I know I can hardly believe it myself - two post in one day! But I received this in email today and thought it was worth sharing.
Interesting. The first email below was sent out by GM to all suppliers. The email that follows is a response from one such supplier.

Dear Employees & Suppliers,
Congress and the current Administration will soon determine whether to provide immediate support to the domestic auto industry to help it through one of the most difficult economic times in our nation's history. Your elected officials must hear from all of us now on why this support is critical to our continuing the progress we began prior to the global financial crisis........................As an employee or supplier, you have a lot at stake and continue to be one of our most effective and passionate voices. I know GM can count on you to have your voice heard.
Thank you for your urgent action and ongoing support.
Troy Clarke
President General Motors North America ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Response from:
Gregory Knox, Pres. Knox Machinery Company
Franklin , Ohio

Gentlemen:
In response to your request to contact legislators and ask for a bailout for the Big Three automakers please consider the following, and please pass my thoughts on to Troy Clark, President of General Motors North America .
Politicians and Management of the Big 3 are both infected with the same entitlement mentality that has spread like cancerous germs in UAW halls for the last countless decades, and whose plague is now sweeping this nation, awaiting our new "messiah", Pres-elect Obama, to wave his magic wand and make all our problems go away, while at the same time allowing our once great nation to keep "living the dream"... Believe me folks, The dream is over!
This dream where we can ignore the consumer for years while management myopically focuses on its personal rewards packages at the same time that our factories have been filled with the worlds most overpaid, arrogant, ignorant and laziest entitlement minded "laborers" without paying the price for these atrocities...this dream where you still think the masses will line up to buy our products for ever and ever.
Don't even think about telling me I'm wrong. Don't accuse me of not knowing of what I speak. I have called on Ford, GM, Chrysler, TRW, Delphi , Kelsey Hayes, American Axle and countless other automotive OEM's throughout the Midwest during the past 30 years and what I've seen over those years in these union shops can only be described as disgusting.
Troy Clarke, President of General Motors North America, states: "There is widespread sentiment throughout this country, and our government, and especially via the news media, that the current crisis is completely the result of bad management which it certainly is not."
You're right Mr. Clarke, it's not JUST management...how about the electricians who walk around the plants like lords in feudal times, making people wait on them for countless hours while they drag ass...so they can come in on the weekend and make double and triple time...for a job they easily could have done within their normal 40 hour work week. How about the line workers who threaten newbies with all kinds of scare tactics...for putting out too many parts on a shift...and for being too productive (We certainly must not expose those lazy bums who have been getting overpaid for decades for their horrific underproduction, must we?!?)
Do you folks really not know about this stuff?!? How about this great sentiment abridged from Mr. Clarke's sad plea: "over the last few years ...we have closed the quality and efficiency gaps with our competitors." What the hell has Detroit been doing for the last 40 years?!? Did we really JUST wake up to the gaps in quality and efficiency between us and them? The K car vs. the Accord? The Pinto vs. the Civic?!? Do I need to go on? What a joke!
We are living through the inevitable outcome of the actions of the United States auto industry for decades. It's time to pay for your sins, Detroit .
I attended an economic summit last week where brilliant economist, Alan Beaulieu, from the Institute of Trend Research , surprised the crowd when he said he would not have given the banks a penny of "bailout money". "Yes, he said, this would cause short term problems," but despite what people like politicians and corporate magnates would have us believe, the sun would in fact rise the next day.... and the following very important thing would happen....where there had been greedy and sloppy banks, new efficient ones would pop up....that is how a free market system works...it does work....if we would only let it work..."
But for some nondescript reason we are now deciding that the rest of the world is right and that capitalism doesn't work - that we need the government to step in and "save us"...Save us my ass, Hell - we're nationalizing...and unfortunately too many of our once fine nation's citizens don't even have a clue that this is what is really happening...But, they sure can tell you the stats on their favorite sports teams...yeah - THAT'S really important, isn't it...
Does it ever occur to ANYONE that the "competition" has been producing vehicles, EXTREMELY PROFITABLY, for decades in this country?... How can that be??? Let's see... Fuel efficient... Listening to customers... Investing in the proper tooling and automation for the long haul...
Not being too complacent or arrogant to listen to Dr. W. Edwards Deming four decades ago when he taught that by adopting appropriate principles of management, organizations could increase quality and simultaneously reduce costs. Ever increased productivity through quality and intelligent planning... Treating vendors like strategic partners, rather than like "the enemy"... Efficient front and back offices... Non union environment...
Again, I could go on and on, but I really wouldn't be telling anyone anything they really don't already know down deep in their hearts.
I have six children, so I am not unfamiliar with the concept of wanting someone to bail you out of a mess that you have gotten yourself into - my children do this on a weekly, if not daily basis, as I did when I was their age. I do for them what my parents did for me (one of their greatest gifts, by the way) - I make them stand on their own two feet and accept the consequences of their actions and work through it. Radical concept, huh... Am I there for them in the wings? Of course - but only until such time as they need to be fully on their own as adults..
I don't want to oversimplify a complex situation, but there certainly are unmistakable parallels here between the proper role of parenting and government. Detroit and the United States need to pay for their sins. Bad news people - it's coming whether we like it or not. The newly elected Messiah really doesn't have a magic wand big enough to "make it all go away." I laughed as I heard Obama "reeling it back in" almost immediately after the final vote count was tallied..."we really might not do it in a year...or in four..." Where the Hell was that kind of talk when he was RUNNING for office.
Stop trying to put off the inevitable folks ... That house in Florida really isn't worth $750,000.... People who jump across a border really don't deserve free health care benefits.... That job driving that forklift for the Big 3 really isn't worth $85,000 a year... We really shouldn't allow Wal-Mart to stock their shelves with products acquired from a country that unfairly manipulates their currency and has the most atrocious human rights infractions on the face of the globe...
That couple whose combined income is less than $50,000 really shouldn't be living in that $485,000 home... Let the market correct itself folks - it will. Yes it will be painful, but it's gonna' be painful either way, and the bright side of my proposal is that on the other side of it all, is a nation that appreciates what it has....and doesn't live beyond its means...and gets back to basics...and redevelops the patriotic work ethic that made it the greatest nation in the history of the world...and probably turns back to God.
Sorry - don't cut my head off, I'm just the messenger sharing with you the "bad news". I hope you take it to heart.
Gregory J. Knox,
President Knox MachineryInc.
Franklin , Ohio 45005

Here I am..........

2009-03-03T17:13:00.000-06:00

No need to label me MIA cause I am back. I know it looks like I abruptly just vanished but that was not my intent. In my last post I was under the influence of hurting emotions so I thought it best to get a grip and come back. Yeah, I am girlie with my desire for freshly painted toe nails, lovely lace thongs, and high heel sandals but I am not usually girlie with expressing my feelings. I am not much on the whole drama scene of emotions. Not that I don't feel or express emotions but I do better if I compartmentalize my feelings and deal with issues on my own terms. I keep a wall built up around me. I am reserved with showing how I feel but maybe that stems back from if I let you in and you know me to well then you will also know how to hurt me. Ah yes it always leads back to that nasty little word trust. Even though truly gaining my trust is difficult it has it's rewards. Once I trust you I give you all of me and all that I have. I will love you unconditionally without limits. If I give someone trust and they hurt me I immediately go and hide behind my wall I have built. That is not saying that I won't trust that person again but it will definitely take time to bring down that wall and they will lose a part of me. Damn, sure hope Dr. Phil don't read this or he will seeking my azz out for treatment. Ha-Ha This is going to be another one of those post that I read back later and think what the hell was I thinking actually writing this down. I promise the next post will not be any psycho-analysing BS.

Retreat...........

2009-02-19T18:40:00.001-06:00

Retreat is exactly what I do when I am hurting. I have learned to shut down and hide behind that emotionless wall I have created. I am not big on trusting people and it takes me a long time to let someone get really close to me so it sucks when that someone carelessly hurts me with no regard of my feelings. I am not going to go into detail right now since the wound is so recent and I am still trying to process the hurt. I just wanted to let you know I just need a little time and I will be back. ( few days, few hot baths, few sips of wine, and a few tears)

Brain Fuel needed................

2009-02-11T21:38:00.000-06:00

The need for brain fuel is becoming a bit of a emergency. No, really I am serious! I don't know if I am thinking to hard at work, or if the fresh paint fumes from the bedroom hallway are effecting me, or if I have killed to many brain cells with my wine drinking but my ability to focus long enough to post just ain't been here. It is kinda like my get up and go - got up and left without me. But, even though I have been MIA I haven't been just slacking off. At work I have been working diligently on this rather hideous project I was given back in October that will be finishing up by the end of next month. For so long the light at the end of the tunnel has been a oncoming train at work. I am absolutely not going to complain though - because I am grateful to have a job in this economy. It is amazing and a blessing that with the size of the company I work for that we have been spared job cuts so far. We have been given notice that our yearly increase is on hold for now and will be reviewed at the end of the second quarter. Heck, as far as I am concerned if they can guarantee us a job for the year they should keep our increase. There are very few job openings in my area so to find a job I would be commuting to Milwaukee or to Chicago. Either way you looked at it - it would not be good for my road rage issues. I don't really have road rage but I do cuss at idiots that drive slow in the fast lane, idiots that pull out in front of me knowing I will have to brake for them instead of them waiting till I pass, idiots that don't use their turn signal when they are actually turning (switching lanes doesn't require a signal), idiots that don't move to the middle of the intersection when waiting to turn (hence I get stuck waiting for the light again). Yikes, maybe I do need to attend traffic class on becoming a "happy driver" Naaahhh!
Just in case your still holding your breath with me while my taxes are being prepared - you can exhale now. The taxes are completed and I am so very happy to inform you that I will not need to take out a loan to pay the IRS like last year. That's right my friends my bill isn't even four digits. Yep, you heard me correct - not even four digits! I believe a glass of wine is in order to celebrate. Oh wait the brain cells. Damn, I guess I am just going to be dumb. But don't worry I couldn't drink enough wine to make me as dumb as those yahoo democrats that are in office now. Well, before I go off on a tirade about politics and get myself all worked up I best wrap this up and go take me a bubble bath........

Me bad........

2009-02-02T20:02:00.000-06:00

I wanna be naughty. That's right you heard me - I want to be bad! I am not sure exactly what I want to do that would make me "bad" or "naughty" but I am sure I can get ideas from some of you! No, really I have always been the responsible, reliable, supportive one that does the right thing. I seem to be surrounded by people that are the opposite so I have always ended up being their support or bailing them out which has left no time for me to act out. I have even gone as far as marrying one of those bad boys that I have had to drag over to the responsible side. He still acts up once in a while but for the most part he isn't much of a handful anymore. So, with that being said I am tired of taking care and emotionally supporting others and I am tired of being good. No, I am not planning on checking out completely or doing anything that would land me on the front page of the paper BUT I just have this overwhelming desire to be naughty. Hhhhhmmm, what to do , what to do.
What have you done bad?

Working for the weekend..........

2009-01-30T21:12:00.000-06:00

Got comfortable flannels, tank top, and fuzzy socks on - YES
Doors locked and answering machine turned on - YES
Dog walked, fed, and belly rubbed - YES
Large glass of wine poured for me - YES

Ahhhh, this week is finally over and I have made it to the weekend. Wow, this week bordered painful at times. So, let's recap what made this a long week that is requiring a rather large glass of wine to assist in me relaxing.

Every time I turned on the TV or radio I was forced to listen to information about the idiotic stimulus proposals. I am so angry with our government right now I can not even express it in words. (well at least in words that aren't four letters)
Hubby got word he is laid off as of Monday for at least three weeks. Ah yes that means about $250 less in the budget weekly.
On a good note the company I work for is not laying off BUT they did announce that they have put a freeze on our pay increase that would be taking effect in April. ( Funny but they didn't mention if managements bonus was froze)
Found out that someone I love has been struggling with finances so badly that they were having a hard time feeding their children. As long as I have something to give I will so I went to the grocery store after I heard about this need and bought them enough food for a week. The world can be cruel so we need to take care of family and friends.
Waited all week for tax documents to come in the mail so I can make appointment with tax man. No, I am not in a hurry to find out how much I have to pay but I am in a hurry to figure out how much I need to save by the 15th at midnight. By the way I am still waiting for them to come.
I have misplaced my favorite gloves! For those who know me - you know how misplacing anything drives me crazy. Has anyone seen my black soft very warm gloves?
Not only did I misplace my gloves but I lost my keys on Thursday morning. Well, I didn't really lose them but I couldn't find them for a few hours. Who would have thought my keys could hide so well in the liner of my tote bag. Yup, my tote bag is either going to need a sew job or will need to be retired.

I would say that is enough examples of why I am grateful for the weekend to be here! So, was your week as tough as mine?

Soon......

2009-01-25T14:07:00.000-06:00

Soon sweetheart everything will be red and love will be in the air. For those of you who don't know me very well -I am a hopelessly romantic sap on Valentine's Day. I know the way I have described myself in past post wouldn't lead you to believe I could have such a romantic heart but I do. Please don't misunderstand what I mean by romantic though cause a dozen roses being bought on Valentine's Day for me does not qualify. Anyone can do the typical way overspend buying flowers on V-Day with very little thought involved. It will take much more creativity to win me for V-Day. Now before you go thinking that I think the day is all about what a man can do for a woman please note some of the romantic gestures I have done or suggested to others (as you will notice I once again am not admitting to what I have done:

Served dinner picnic style on a blanket in the living room next to the fireplace. (please note that dessert should be strawberries to dip in warm chocolate sauce or whip cream)
Filled his car completely with red balloons and left a rather naughty detailed note of how our evening would end.
Left instructions on door to follow chocolate foiled hearts till they lead him to my heart. ( remember to buy a few bags of these chocolates if your bedroom is on the second floor)
Went and bought tons of candles ( bags of tea light candles is a less expensive route to go and they burn long enough) Also stop by floral shop and buy bag of rose pedals. Now timing on this one is important! Run a steaming hot bath and then add rose petals to the water. Next strategically start setting up candles all along the path from the door to the bathroom and to the bedroom. Light the candles, turn off the circuit breaker so he can't use any other light but the candles to find you. You can use battery operated device for sexy music to be playing while you are waiting for your sweetheart in the tub.
This one is a bit sassy but I say you only go around once so take a chance. ( I was also only in my twenties then) You will need a long coat, hot red Valentine lingerie, extremely sexy high heels , red lipstick, and good heat in your car. (well we live where it fricking freezing in February) Put on the items I listed and drive carefully to wear sweetheart is. If sweetie is in crowded environment ask to be walked out to the car or have them come out to the car. Once you have them let them feast their eyes on what is waiting for them when they come home. Then right before you leave hand them what you expect to see them in when you meet.
I have even gone as far bribing a waiter (only $10) to get me the recipe of a dish my sweetheart loved to eat at this restaurant so I could duplicate it for a Valentine dinner.

So as you can see I am definitely willing to give as good as I get with romantic gestures. Oh, and for you manly men you will be happy to know the idea of coupons for:

us to watch sports with you all day without asking questions and making sure you have a beer available.
one free day of no chores or nagging or honey do list
one free do it the way you want it only (you get the drift - right?)

I told you I was a sap and now I have given you a post to prove it! And if you want to know something really sappy about me I still watch the movie "Pretty Woman" every time I am flipping channels and find it on and yes I also own the movie " The Notebook" and cry when I watch it.

The point of writing this now instead of on Valentine's Day is so you have time to plan something romantic and special. I also don't want any comment's about being alone on V-Day because you can always go a different direction and make a wonderful V-Day with just children or a friend. Just plan making homemade heart shaped pizza's, make red finger Jello hearts, and rent a movie. Like I say it's all up to you to have fun......

PS - I have a new kicking azz shade of red nail polish I got on clearance that I am saving for my toes for V-Day!

Confessions..........

2009-01-17T16:22:00.000-06:00

I am again here to confess the fact I lack the ability to think before I speak again. God help me!! After I finished my post this morning and was wandering around the house attempting to convince myself to get busy cleaning the phone rang. Looking down at caller ID I see it is my mom which causes a small sigh but I take my chances and answer it. After listening to her chatter on about a bit of this and a bit of that she finally gets around to asking if I want to go to the grocery store and Wally world with her. YIKES ( please note that kind of trip can be a all day affair) I explained to her no I best stay home and get some house work done. Since my mom has a hard time excepting no she ask two more times before telling me she is hanging up now since I am so crabby. Yippee the call has only last 19 minutes and I think I am off the hook. About ten minutes later again the phone rings and again I sigh but answer another call from mom. First mistake was not letting it go to voicemail! My mom proceeds to ask are you sure you don't want to go shopping. Are you saying no and being crabby because you don't really have the money and you just don't want to tell me ? You know I will pay if you need me too. I explain in a calm voice no mom the money is not the issue causing me to be crabby. Once again she doesn't really hear me and she states "well you wouldn't be honest with me if that was the reason anyway, you never feel like you can share with me." And here is the part where I should have thought before I spoke but no my mom had struck a nerve with the whole I am not really honest with her statement. So, before I could stop myself I blurt out - Mom if you want the honest reason why I am crabby is because I haven't gotten any in weeks cause the hubby is depressed about being laid off and it is to dang cold in this house to take a cold shower. And furthermore I am out of double A batteries. Omg, I couldn't believe I just said that out loud and to my mother! A silence came over the phone after that for about a minute before she says to me " well I guess I can't really help out with that. And then she says what do you need batteries for?" Instead of answering that question I am going to pick my mom up in ten minutes to go shopping.............

Think first........

2009-01-17T09:39:00.000-06:00

When will I ever learn to think before I speak?! Yesterday while I was in the kitchen cutting up veggies my husband walks in with the daily pile of mail which consist of bill after bill and says "Well another official letter from ___ (car industry) and I am on layoff for week number seven" This is the part were I should have kept my mouth shut and thought about what to say instead of being insensitive to how bad this must make hubby feel. This is also when I should have remembered my word "gratitude" cause we are at least drawing $200.00 in unemployment during this time. BUT NO instead of thinking first I just immediately starting spurting off sentences like "you are going to have to find a different job" "how are we ever going to get out of debt" " why isn't the company calling you back to work since you are contracted so you get paid less and this saves the company money" "I am going to have to get a second job to keep up"
As soon as I overreacted I immediately wanted to take it back but by the look on my husbands face the damage was already done. The look of defeat and depression on his face just broke my heart. I said I am sorry and I know its not your fault and I know you want to be working but I don't think it helped much. Damn it I have got to learn to stop going into panic mode and reacting when ever a money issue arises. Why do I go from zero to one hundred on the anxiety scale when it comes to money? Our mortgage is up to date and all of the minimums have been paid on the other bills. Well except the hospital bills. They believe I should be giving them two hundred a month and I can only allocate fifty at this time. Seriously I need to be so grateful that we are doing as well as we are. How do I get past this constant money fear and live in the moment of now where we are alright? Sometimes late at night I get these money anxiety moments and I try to think of the worst situation and then try to set a plan for it. How crazy is that - planning for something that hasn't even happen and may never happen. I am going to just have to keep praying for peace of mind and faith.............

No winter wonderland over here....

2009-01-11T15:01:00.000-06:00

Even Romeo is pondering if it is really worth enduring this weather to venture out to play!

No building a snowman in the meadow and no walking in a winter wonderland over here. Plenty of shoveling though. According to the weather segment on the news we have received 14 inches of snow in the last three days. The bearer of bad news weatherman has said more snow and even colder temperatures coming next week. Weather like this reminds me why my grandpa told me not to marry a yankee - cause you will get stuck living in the north where is it so cold even the bears go hide till spring.

PS - I will have to post a picture of my bad boy Romeo in one of his winter coats he has. His red Wisconsin badge coat is my favorite.

Sanity Safe Words.

2009-01-05T18:44:00.000-06:00

Acceptance and gratitude are going to be my sanity safe words. The plan is every time I get overwhelmed or negative or feel the anxiety rising I need to remind myself of those words. The term "safe word" is used in some forms of adult entertainment with bondage so in my goofy play on words since I hold myself in bondage with my mind I decided it fit. No, do not over think that last sentence and start assuming things! And let's just to get one thing straight I would not be the one in the bondage! lol Wow, how did I end up on this subject?
Can you believe it has taken me almost forty years to realize that accepting is not the same as settling? I am so busy worrying about moving forward that I forget to accept where I am now. (that means enjoying the moment is side stepped as well) I don't remember to just live in the moment and not worry about my next move. I seem to worry way to much that I will be just "settling" if I am not plotting my future moves. My desire to strive for perfection has crushed my ability to accept and live in the moment. Please take note I didn't say material wealth or worldly accomplishments I said perfection. Interesting that I strive for something that is unattainable. Any way before some one suggests I call Doctor Phil or check in for "observation" at my local mental ward I better get to my point. I think the point I originally was trying to make before I wandered off in different directions is I have set a goal for myself to really attempt to start accepting where I am in life and have gratitude for what I do have. I know that sounds easy to some people who can just live in the moment but it is really going to be a challenge for me. One big challenge I face with this new plan is just having gratitude for my job and not worrying about it being eliminated and what will my back up plan be. A few years back I wouldn't have dreamed of wasting so much time worrying and over thinking. I wish I could figure out exactly why I have become this way. There isn't one particular event that I can point to and say yes that caused it. Maybe just the combination of devastating events that I was showered with created this yucky worry wart I am now trying to fix. What ever the reason may be I can at least say I accept that I am currently this way and grateful it isn't worse and I will be working on correcting this imperfection....... ( what a crock of bull sh!#)lol

Temporary Reprieve..........

2009-01-03T22:43:00.000-06:00

During this temporary reprieve from life being exceptionally demanding I simply want to state I hope you and your family had a safe and joyous holiday season. Time has not permitted for me to post lately but I am working on changing that. As part of my new routine I am creating for myself I am actually going to set aside time to write. I will have to alternate my writing between here and my book but that will work. I will have to save the whole new routine agenda for a another post. There are numerous subjects I have piling up in my head and on scribble notes I need to post. Here are some of the thoughts floating in my head I want to take time to express here soon:

The ever so dramatic dynamics of spending time with my family. ( believe it or not hubby is not part of the drama at all )

New routine for mental well being.

The absolutely horrible acts of the bias media against Israel. Why is it people cry about Israel using too much force but think nothing of what Israel has had to suffer through.

Obama's never ending change of plan tactics.

Gotta comment on hubby and his recent change of heart. Not sure what happen but I am loving the change.

Must comment on me attempting to work on just staying quiet and not voicing my opinion about things that are out of my control to change. Of course I am not talking about here cause hell I gotta share it somewhere or I will explode.

Must tell you very funny beauty treatment gone wrong. Well I can say it is funny now but it wasn't at the time. Oh don't worry none of my toes fell off.

Definitely need to post that it has been a year today I quit smoking. Can you believe I still miss it some days?

Now that I have a year of no smoking under my belt I must now begin my lose weight and get fit agenda. If I am feeling sassy I will have to comment on this rather spicy exercise class I think I want to take.

Well as you can see I have so many subjects I need to share with you. I will be back soon to get started filling you in on my rambling...........

Motto for the moment..........

2008-12-06T15:43:00.000-06:00

I am going to need to develop some of my own auxiliary personalities as a psychological defense mechanism............

Ummmm Let's call this the early December rambling.........

2008-12-03T19:41:00.000-06:00

Could someone please contact Mother Nature and let her know that the first week in December is to early to be giving us more snow than my Jeep wipers can push off the windshield. Seriously I don't want to dig out the snow brush just yet. Ah yes, the first of my many winter whines. I will try to keep the winter whining to a minimum but no promises.

I finished my drugs from the doctor and I must say those were some of the quickest working ever. Doctor was right I did feel better by thanksgiving and our meal turned out yummy. The holiday was mostly smooth with very little drama ( will save drama story for another post). After eating dinner, putting away leftovers, and cleaning the kitchen us girls sat down and went through the ads plotting our shopping. We stay up all night Thanksgiving and well into Friday morning doing the early bird shopping. Yes, I am one of those freaks that venture out into the madness. In the past we have laughed, shopped, and enjoyed the crowds that are out but this year was different. The majority of the crowd that I was exposed to were crabby, snatching items in a greedy selfish manner, and acted with a attitude of entitlement. I was shocked at the behavior I experienced from fellow shoppers and unhappy retail clerks. I found myself sickened by the fact that people could act this terrible just to buy a item at sale price. What item could one need so badly that it would justify pushing a elderly woman to get ahead of her in line? What dollar amount saved suddenly justifies someone yanking a item from someones hands because you wanted it? Needless to say the behavior I witnessed has tainted my opinion of people and my desire to want to venture out next year on Black Friday. On a brighter shopping note I did manage to get almost all of my shopping done before retreating to the safety of my quiet home.

So now for my December status update:
1)Most of the Christmas gifts have been bought
2)All gifts are wrapped
3)Tree is up and decorated
4)Put lights up on front porch ( no major decorating outside just a simple gesture of icicle lights around the porch)
5)Filled out a few Christmas cards that I mail out (mostly for elderly family and friends that I know still enjoy receiving them)
6)Currently attempting to organize my homemade gift I will give out. ( I am thinking about homemade caramel corn but not sure cause last year I gave out homemade caramel sauce so would that be to close to the same?)

Hey, I am really doing pretty good considering today is only the third of December. Now the goal is to stay on track and not get distracted. (I must not give in to the temptation of ditching reality and curling up on the couch with my new book that my sister bought me. Oh and please note that this is a HUGE temptation since the book is by my favorite author Nicholas Sparks)

Also I am fore warning that my next post may be a rant about our government and black hole bailout. Another rant I may need to address is the waiting till NOW to find out if Obama has a legal birth certificate. And if neither of those are my subject of rant then I maybe giving my rant about the Dept of Energy that was created over thirty years ago to find a solution to our huge dependence on foreign oil. Ummm what kind of progress do they have to show for all that time and money spent? I really need to get in here and express myself more often.

Death warmed over...........

2008-11-26T21:32:00.000-06:00

Death warmed over pretty much sums me up. Yep, I been one sick puppy since last Friday night. I started feeling a bit congested late Friday afternoon but had given my word that I would attend a fundraiser event in the evening so pushed forward. By Saturday morning my sickness was now pushing back and I was losing ground quickly. Instead of fighting to continue on with my Saturday schedule I took some cold medicine and crawled back in bed. Didn't plan on staying in bed till Tuesday but this head cold had me defeated. I end up at the doctor yesterday and he took one look at me and sat down and wrote me out two prescriptions. These are the best drugs ever! I am already starting to feel some better and I now have enough energy to figure out how I am going to salvage Thanksgiving. For those of you who don't know, my husband and I have Thanksgiving at our home and have anywhere from eleven to twenty people depending on the year. Since it was looking disappointing on Monday that I would be feeling up to it having it a change in locations was made. Seems so different not having it here after so many years. Being sick this week has been rough on me physically but even more tough on me emotionally. Being sick has slowed me down which has given me way to much time to think and as we all know thinking is not always a good thing for me. I have been thinking about my dad a lot this week and how much I miss him. He was my superman. He didn't raise me as a child and in fact I was 18 when my mom and him got married but he still was such a huge impact on my life. Besides my dad I have thinking about my grandma so much this week. I lived with my grandma most of my childhood and she taught how to live the life that God has given us and enjoy it. She made the holidays so special. Losing both of those important anchors in my life in one year (five years ago) was almost to much to handle. I often don't think I would have made it through if it hadn't been for my sister's children counting on us for holidays. Knowing how important the holidays were to my grandma meant I had to ensure that my sister's children learned how special they are too. Why did I somehow take on and own that responsibility? I would like to blame the drugs for me wandering off in another direction of conversation while writing this but we all know that would be a lie. Anyway.............. So tomorrow my husband and I will be carting a 24pound turkey, a pumpkin pie, a cherry cheese cake (if I get in there and get it made), and our holiday cheer out to the cold Jeep to go. Since I won't have the insane morning rush of working on getting everything around the house done I think I will spend some extra time jotting down all that I have to be so thankful for.
I wish for you a very Happy Thanksgiving.........

Now you know my ABC's

2008-11-14T16:27:00.000-06:00

Caught this one over at a spot I visit on occasion and thought I would play ABC's.

A is for age: Not yet 40, and that makes me smile :).

B is for burger of choice: Mushroom Swiss burger. Mmmmm a hamburger with Swiss cheese, sauteed onions and heaps of mushrooms.

C is for the car I drive: Well I don't drive a car, I have a Jeep. Even though it drinks gas way to fast I love how safe I feel in it. My commute in the winter to work would be terrible without my Jeep. I also love it because it's paid for!

D is for your dog’s name: His name is Romeo but I have been known to call him my little man and my little bad boy. Funny I call hubby similar names but I leave the little word off.

E is for essential item you use every day: Cell phone. While commuting home each evening I use the cell to take care of all family and friend calls so when I get home I am phone free for the evening.

F is for favorite TV show at the moment: I can't pick between "House" and "Criminal Minds" for a favorite. In fact those are the only two shows I attempt not to miss each week. I enjoy the sassy doctor on House and I want to work with the FBI division that criminal minds is part of. I am so into behavioral patterns that I believe I would enjoy it.

G is for favorite game: I would have to say Scrabble is my favorite but I do like some editions of Trivia Pursuit.

H is for home state: Well I born in Mississippi, then I lived in Kentucky for a short time, and now I have been in Wisconsin for over 25 years.

I is for instruments you play: Does attempting to play the Oboe in 4th grade count? If that one doesn't count then I play a mean air guitar when listening to Santana and a wild air piano when hubby has Billy Joel CD on in the car.

J is for favorite juice: ummm pineapple juice with coconut and rum in it. Oh wait that is a Pina Colada. I am addicted to Pomegranate juice.

K is for whose bum you’d like to kick: If I was going to kick anyone it would be probably be one of the negative gossip girls I work with.

L is for last restaurant at which you ate: Olive Garden back in September for my birthday.

M is for your favorite Muppet: even though I have been known to act like Oscar the Grouch my personal favorite Muppet is Cookie Monster. He is all about the cookies!

N is for number of piercings: Just my ears, but twice on each so that is four pierces.

O is for overnight hospital stays: I have never stayed overnight in a hospital.

P is for people you were with today: My mom, the farmers at the farmers market, people at the grocery store I took my mom too, and my hubby.

Q is for what you do with your quiet time: Read books, scrapbook, and posting on blog.

R is for biggest regret: I try to not regret. There are things I wish I could change but I try not to regret those things because there is a lesson and or a blessing in them.

S is for status: which one you want? - the married one, or the hungry one, or I am fricking freezing without my slippers one.

T is for time you woke up today: 6:30.

U is for what you consider unique about yourself: I can't really think of anything unique about me expect maybe for my ability to blend in to any environment I am in. Kinda like a chameleon.

V is for vegetable you love: I love every vegetable except for beets. In fact I can easily go with just veggies for my meals without missing meat at all. Hubby on the other hand would not be happy with just veggies.

W is for worst habit: Anxiety. I even worry and have anxiety about things that have evened happened yet.

X is for x-rays you’ve had: I think I might have had one on my knee.

Y is for yummy food you ate today: That is a problem because I haven't eaten yet today. I have had massive amounts of coffee. :) Oh wait I did eat a mushroom or two while I was cutting them up to put in dinner.

Z is for zodiac: Virgo - and everyone knows we are the best to have on your side in life.

More strange facts about me that you didn't need to know but I shared any way! I double dog dare you to copy this over to your site, fill it in, and send me a invite to go read..........

Fragments of thoughts.........

2008-11-08T11:53:00.000-06:00

Since the schedule has not left time for me to blog much lately I have been scribbling down thoughts that I wanted to share when time allowed. I can not even imagine the look of concern that someone would have if they came across all my scribbles.

(Note to self must put line in my will about all my scribble notebooks are to be burned and not read cause I am afraid they could cause someone brain damage if they tried to figure me out.)

I had a few very strongly written scribbles regarding the voting, the election, and stupidity of people BUT I have decided to not really touch on that . I will say that even though I did not vote for him I will support him as the president of America.

I also had some scribbles regarding this whole time change system. What is the gain in doing this? It seems to me to be some sadistic ritual to us that already have sleeping issues. Since I can't seem to adjust to the change I am now waking up each morning at 4:30am and I can guarantee you I ain't waking up smiling.

I have some scribbles some where that I was going to share about how I can not stop the holidays from coming so I am going to have to come up with a plan of how to change my thought process about them. I am a total Martha Stewart type when it comes to holidays with the decorating, baking, and gifts. I can and will still do those things but I am going to really have to plan how to do it on a very tight budget.

Oh my, I also have some not so nice scribbles regarding hubby and neglect. Yes, there are numerous four letter words in those scribbles. I took someones advise and spoke to hubby about lack of attention he gives me and he ignored the whole conversation. He refused to acknowledge that I was even talking to him about this. So when he does nice acts around the house like making dinner or cleaning up is this his way of showing he loves me since he refuses to tell me OR are these things he would be doing anyway and I am just believing they are signs of love? What is it going to take to get this man to realize that he has a good wife?

I have some sad scribbles about not getting the new job I posted for at work. The hiring manage raved to me about my experience and background but decided to go with someone that has prior experience with this exact posting. I heard a rumor this past week about who may have been offered the position and I am furious because if that is the case then office politics won again and not experience.

So many scribbles and so little time to post them all lately. In fact right now I am suppose to be some else besides sitting here at the computer but I wanted to come post before one of my scribbles of paper blows away in the very brisk fall wind. Is all this scribbling on paper a sign that I am beginning to not trust the memory so much?

BUDGET-forgive me for I have spent....

2008-11-08T11:38:00.000-06:00

Even as anal retentive as I am about the rigid budget we need to follow to pay down our debt I to falter once in a while. I must confess that not only did I buy a magazine from the grocery store check out line but I went to McDonald's this week. I know you are saying ?fast food? instead of the budget BUT I was weak to the smell of French fries. I am not much for fried foods but I believe those were the best darn fries I have eaten in a long time! One of the lessons I have learned with living on a rigid budget is that I historically spent a lot of money without enough thought. I always believed I lived rather conservative but I realize now that I really wasn't that conservative. I would watch the price of items but I still put many impulse items in the cart. Looking at the 27 bottles of nail polish I have might help draw attention to that fact. Considering I am not a freak of nature with forty fingers or toes that could be painted weekly I would say that I wasn't very conservative with my polish purchasing. I might have been conservative with the price but not of the quantity. Seriously, a year ago I would not have given a second thought to how many I had. Hard to believe things can change so quickly. I am not glad at the circumstances that created the need for this new awareness of how money is spent but I am grateful that I am more aware now and I now know that we can make it on just one income. I have also learned through this that there are a lot of things one can live without and still be fine. The one thing we had to give up lately is the microwave. Our microwave went out and it is not in the budget to go buy a new one right now. We decided that before we are going to dip into the emergency fund money for a new one we would see how well we can do without one. Shockingly enough we are doing alright. Apparently it is not a staple item for our existence since in the last two weeks we have only missed it twice. I am not saying it wouldn't be nice to have one for some things (like popcorn) but I'm saying it's not worth dipping into emergency funds for it. Oh, and one side note - I like popcorn but it is hardly worth making a dirty pan. ha ha Can you tell today I am working on seeing positives in this black hole of debt we are trying to dig out of? Just like the little train - I think I can I think I can!!!!
Man, I hope I still have a bottle of wine left that I got for my birthday cause I think it may be a staple for my existence this cold and rainy Saturday night................

RandomHighlights....

2008-10-26T19:21:00.000-05:00

Seems like having time to sit down and put thoughts together to make sentences just hasn't been available for me lately. Thought I would share the random highlights of what has kept me away from being here to share.

My mom was in the hospital for just about a week with double pneumonia so I have been running up to the hospital after work and then running by her house to feed the cat and the fish and get the mail. Lots of running!! Mom is home now but she had to come home with oxygen for a while.

Finally finished getting all the veggies ready for the freezer. I really wish I would have gotten berries this year and made freezer jam. We so enjoyed the strawberry I made once before that I can't believe I haven't made it again. Well, it is to late for this year so someone please remind next year.

Been going from room to room cleaning and getting things ready for the winter season. Washing windows, cleaning curtains, putting warmer blankets and quilts on the beds, and just preparing for holiday crowds that will be coming through starting a month from now on Thanksgiving.

I am working about 42 to 44 hours a week at work . I am grateful that I have a job when so many are losing theirs daily. My husband works in the auto industry and currently has a job but the dark cloud that is hovering over the industry has us concerned. I pray he continues to have this job since we so desperately need the income and because he really enjoys this job. This is the first time I have seen him content with his employment since he lost his job at the company he had been with for 14 years.

Been working diligently on staying on track with our very tight household budget. We have three months left on the 1.99% interest rate credit card that I rolled all of our debt too and it doesn't look like there is any way we can have it paid off so I am trying to prepare my next move with it so we don't have large interest rate kicking in. It is a full time job trying to stay ahead of the bills.

I haven't been taking the best care of myself lately with all of the running but I have been mentally noting all of the things I want to do and keep up with. One good note - I am still a non-smoker!!! Some days I can't believe that I haven't smoked since January 3rd and other days I can't believe I ever smoked those stinky things. Depends on my mood to which way I am leaning.

The city I live in decided to have trick or treat hours today when it was about thirty something degrees. I do not like evil that surrounds Halloween nor do I decorate using scary spooky stuff but I do hand out candy. I enjoy the fall season and decorate with Indian corn, pumpkins, and cute little scarecrow. I bundled up with a thick sweatshirt, jeans, and warm bulky socks as I sat outside on the porch sipping hot cocoa and handing out candy. I enjoy the young kids all dressed up in fun costumes. I had several adults this year requesting candy without a costume on and it was strange because a few of them looked to be my age. It was odd but I gave them candy (please note I only gave them one small sucker and not the good chocolate I gave the cute kids) Hey, regardless of age I want to see a costume if you want chocolate. I know I am so bad. The winner of my favorite costume went to a young blond girl dressed up as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and she even had a basket with Toto in it. She won the prize of a handful of chocolates in her treat bag from me.

Well that just about wraps up what I have been up to lately. Next week looks a bit busy but after that with any luck I will be back on a more regular basis. If I don't post before then DON'T FORGET TO GO VOTE!

Seeing Red........

2008-10-13T20:04:00.000-05:00

Remember the lyrics " I fought the law and the law won"? Well my version would be I fought the garden and the garden won. Let me start at the beginning so you understand where I possibly went wrong. In the early spring when it was still cold I began to get cabin fever so my mind began to wander on thoughts of spring and summer. I had many grandiose visions of all of these projects I should take on to save money and better my life. One of the few that made it through the thought process and came into action was having a garden. I worked for hours convincing hubby he wanted to create a garden area for me. We even put up a little white fence around it. So finally the day came when the weather was warm enough to plant my treasures for my salsa garden. Since the tomato plants were so small and we didn't have a positive outlook on my green thumb abilities we decided to put in 6 tomato plants instead of three. Right there is where I made my first wrong judgement and the second came quickly after when we began fertilizing routinely. In case you haven't figured out how by now the garden won - well all six tomato plants lived and produced number breaking records of tomatoes causing me total exhaustion trying to keep up with them. We were so excited as the first ten tomatoes ripened and we enjoyed eating them but then more began to appear so we shared some with neighbors and family but then more began to get ripe and people began to dodge us because they didn't want to be forced to take tomatoes home, but then more and more and more got ripe and I ran out of windows sills and counter top to set them in. With a week or so my kitchen was overcome in red. Since I can not bear to see food wasted and I sure didn't want them getting to ripe and fruit flies to appear I had to take action. This action consisted of me making stewed tomatoes, tomato sauce, and spaghetti sauce. Then of course I can't make spaghetti sauce without making meatballs to go in it and of course I can't make just stewed tomatoes without making some into chili and of course I can't make tomato sauce without making stuffed peppers for some of it. The freezer is now rather full and colorful and my kitchen has lost it's overwhelming glowing shade of tomato red. The garden season has just about come to a end with the exception of a few green tomatoes. (No I am not making fried green tomatoes) In fact I don't see me cooking much of anything for a while. So here I am exhausted from the fight against the speed of the garden ripening vegetables and my ability to use them. And just to let you in on a secret - I loved every minute of these domestic nesting rituals I did and only wish I didn't have to work outside the home so I could do more. It is impossible to do it all - so I've learned - and now I just do what I can. Someone please remind me of that exact statement next month when I start getting crazy working on getting Christmas stuff done ahead. Oh, speaking of Christmas anyone have a good idea for a new Christmas cookie for me to make? I like to make one different one each year when I can. Here I go from one battle field to the next......

Gotta admit it is clever.....

2008-09-27T17:32:00.000-05:00

Please note that this is just in fun to ease some of the stress that we are all feeling with the economy disaster.
I received this email this morning and thought it would be pretty neat to get everyone's reaction to it. Do not know who the person is who wrote it, but he's got a great idea if it could only be followed thru.
Hi Pals,
I'm against the $85,000,000,000 bailout of AIG. Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000.000 to America in a 'We Deserve It Dividend'. To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.. So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.
My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a 'We Deserve It Dividend'.Of course, it would NOT be tax-free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%. Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500 in taxes.That sends $25,500,000, 000 right back to Uncle Sam.
But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500 in their pocket.A husband and wife has $595,000 00.What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college - it'll be thereSave in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car - create jobs
Invest in the market - capital drives growth
Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other companythat is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( 'vote buy' ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!
As for AIG - liquidate it. Sell off its parts.
Let American General go back to being American General. Sell off the real estate.Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.
Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.Sure it's a crazy idea that can 'never work.'But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!How do you spell Economic Boom?I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion'We Deserve It Dividend' more than do the geniuses at AIG or in WashingtonDC.And remember, The Family plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because$25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.
Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.
Kindest personal regards,
A Creative Guy

Catching you up

2008-09-18T19:17:00.000-05:00

Since I haven't entered a post lately I thought I better catch you up on what I have been doing while I have been away.

Working to many hours at a not so fun job. I heard back from the new job I applied for and they stated I will be getting a interview notice some time next week. (yippee)
Taking care my mom. Who by the way is testing my ability to maintain my patience. And a quick side note - if your mom ask you to come and put up 5 new curtain rods which you have to use the drill and hammer for DO NOT let her stay in the room talking to you while you are doing this! If you must know - yes she kept talking to me and in the midst of her chattering I banged my finger with the hammer. And then I cursed cause it hurt really bad and then I got a long azz lecture about not having a potty mouth. Please keep in mind that I hit it hard enough that the nail has some black in it.
My birthday was Sunday so I am now as close as you can get to being 40 without being it. With that being said I better make sure to have as much fun as legally possible this year so I can send my thirties out with a bang. Speaking of birthday I just finished the last piece of my double layered homemade chocolate cake with dark chocolate frosting today. Yummy
Even though I haven't posted lately I have been keeping up with my favorite blog reads which includes Shayne's site. The man has great taste in music! I am currently singing one of his song picks as I write this. For your sake thank goodness this blog does not have sound.
Been taking more time for me and working on more inner peace. I really can be my own worst enemy. Why am I so hard on me again?
I have been trying to enjoy as much time as possible outside enjoying the weather. Been walking my little bad boy Romeo by the marina, sitting on the porch in the evening while reading or talking on the phone or meditating. Oh, I hope you all saw the moon last night! It was absolutely amazing!
Spent some time last week listening and talking with someone that is dealing with their issues of sexual abuse as a child. This person is doing much better than the last time we spoke and definitely on the path of healing. Yessss, another survivor instead of victim!
Been working on cleaning the basement. Ugh! This really isn't by choice but by need. We are having some pipe issues again and will most likely have to call those guys that come and clear away tree roots that grow through the pipes that go to the street. I don't exactly what I am talking about but I do know they will be in my basement so I gotta get it clean.
Been helping my sister plan my niece's sweet 16 birthday party. I will have to write all about the theme of this party and the details in a later post. I so love planning parties!
I have been on the phone with my brother a lot lately! We are very close and he had needed me more lately. Between dealing with what he experienced during his time in the war and his divorce from a wife who cheated on him he has been having a rough time. Our parents always taught us to turn to God for support and that our faith would see us through the tough times but sometimes that is just so hard to reach for when you are lost in the problem.
Been watching the seriously sickening biased coverage of the candidates and cursing at the TV about it. And I approve this comment!

So as you can see I have been rather busy lately BUT things will calm down soon and I will become a regular again. Some might think of that as a promise and others may take that as a threat but I will be back on track soon.

PS - One of my birthday presents was a Halloween costume for Romeo. The humor of this is it is a Skunk costume. I might just have to post a picture of him in it. I haven't laughed that hard in at least a year!

Seven years ago today...........

2008-09-11T18:30:00.000-05:00

Seven years ago today the attack on our country that changes our lives forever.

In memory of :

Gordon McCannel Aamoth. Edelmiro (Ed) Abad. Maria Rose Abad. Andrew Anthony Abate. Vincent Abate. Laurence Christopher Abel. William F. Abrahamson. Richard Anthony Aceto. Erica Van Acker. Heinrich B. Ackermann. Paul Andrew Acquaviva. Christian Adams. Donald L. Adams. Patrick Adams. Shannon Lewis Adams. Stephen Adams. Ignatius Adanga. Christy A. Addamo. Terence E. Adderley. Sophia B. Addo. Lee Adler. Daniel Thomas Afflitto. Emmanuel Afuakwah. Alok Agarwal. Mukul Agarwala. Joseph Agnello. David Scott Agnes. Joao A.D. Aguiar. Lt. Brian G. Ahearn. Jeremiah J. Ahern. Joanne Ahladiotis. Shabbir Ahmed. Terrance Andre Aiken. Godwin Ajala. Gertrude M. Alagero. Andrew Alameno. Margaret Ann (Peggy) Jezycki Alario. Gary Albero. Jon L. Albert. Peter Craig Alderman. Jacquelyn Delaine Aldridge. Grace Alegre-Cua. David D. Alger. Ernest Alikakos. Edward L. Allegretto. Eric Allen. Joseph Ryan Allen. Richard Dennis Allen. Richard Lanard Allen. Christopher Edward Allingham. Anna Williams Allison. Janet M. Alonso. Anthony Alvarado. Antonio Javier Alvarez. Telmo Alvear. Cesar A. Alviar. Tariq Amanullah. Angelo Amaranto. James Amato. Joseph Amatuccio. Paul Ambrose. Christopher Charles Amoroso. Spc. Craig Amundson. Kazuhiro Anai. Calixto Anaya. Jorge Octavio Santos Anaya. Joseph Peter Anchundia. Kermit Charles Anderson. Yvette Anderson. John Andreacchio. Michael Rourke Andrews. Jean A. Andrucki. Siew-Nya Ang. Joseph Angelini. Joseph Angelini. David Angell. Lynn Angell. Laura Angilletta. Doreen J. Angrisani. Lorraine D. Antigua. Seima Aoyama. Peter Paul Apollo. Faustino Apostol. Frank Thomas Aquilino. Patrick Michael Aranyos. David Gregory Arce. Michael G. Arczynski. Louis Arena. Barbara Arestegui. Adam Arias. Michael J. Armstrong. Jack Charles Aron. Joshua Aron. Richard Avery Aronow. Myra Aronson. Japhet J. Aryee. Carl Asaro. Michael A. Asciak. Michael Edward Asher. Janice Ashley. Thomas J. Ashton. Manuel O. Asitimbay. Lt. Gregg Arthur Atlas. Gerald Atwood. James Audiffred. Kenneth W. Van Auken. Louis F. Aversano. Ezra Aviles. Alona Avraham. Ayodeji Awe. Samuel (Sandy) Ayala.
Arlene T. Babakitis. Eustace (Rudy) Bacchus. John James Badagliacca. Jane Ellen Baeszler. Robert J. Baierwalter. Andrew J. Bailey. Brett T. Bailey. Garnet Edward (Ace) Bailey. Tatyana Bakalinskaya. Michael S. Baksh. Sharon Balkcom. Michael Andrew Bane. Kathy Bantis. Gerard Jean Baptiste. Walter Baran. Gerard A. Barbara. Paul V. Barbaro. James W. Barbella. Ivan Kyrillos Fairbanks Barbosa. Victor Daniel Barbosa. Christine Barbuto. Colleen Ann Barkow. David Michael Barkway. Matthew Barnes. Melissa Rose Barnes. Sheila Patricia Barnes. Evan J. Baron. Ana Gloria Pocasangre de Barrera. Renee Barrett-Arjune. Arthur T. Barry. Diane G. Barry. Maurice Vincent Barry. Scott D. Bart. Carlton W. Bartels. Guy Barzvi. Inna Basina. Alysia Basmajian. Kenneth William Basnicki. Lt. Steven J. Bates. Paul James Battaglia. W. David Bauer. Ivhan Luis Carpio Bautista. Marlyn C. Bautista. Mark Bavis. Jasper Baxter. Lorraine G. Bay. Michele (Du Berry) Beale. Todd Beamer. Paul F. Beatini. Jane S. Beatty. Alan Beaven. Larry I. Beck. Manette Marie Beckles. Carl John Bedigian. Michael Beekman. Maria Behr. (Retired) Master Sgt. Max Beilke. Yelena Belilovsky. Nina Patrice Bell. Andrea Della Bella. Debbie S. Bellows. Stephen Elliot Belson. Paul Michael Benedetti. Denise Lenore Benedetto. Bryan Craig Bennett. Eric L. Bennett. Oliver Duncan Bennett. Margaret L. Benson. Dominick J. Berardi. James Patrick Berger. Steven Howard Berger. John P. Bergin. Alvin Bergsohn. Daniel D. Bergstein. Graham Andrew Berkeley. Michael J. Berkeley. Donna Bernaerts-Kearns. David W. Bernard. William Bernstein. David M. Berray. David S. Berry. Joseph J. Berry. William Reed Bethke. Yeneneh Betru. Timothy D. Betterly. Carolyn Beug. Edward F. Beyea. Paul Michael Beyer. Anil T. Bharvaney. Bella Bhukhan. Shimmy D. Biegeleisen. Peter Alexander Bielfeld. William Biggart. Brian Bilcher. Mark K. Bingham. Carl Vincent Bini. Gary Bird. Joshua David Birnbaum. George Bishop. Kris Romeo Bishundat. Jeffrey D. Bittner. Balewa Albert Blackman. Christopher Joseph Blackwell. Carrie Blagburn. Susan L. Blair. Harry Blanding. Janice L. Blaney. Craig Michael Blass. Rita Blau. Richard M. Blood. Michael A. Boccardi. John Paul Bocchi. Michael L. Bocchino. Susan Mary Bochino. Deora Frances Bodley. Bruce Douglas (Chappy) Boehm. Mary Katherine Boffa. Nicholas A. Bogdan. Darren C. Bohan. Lawrence Francis Boisseau. Vincent M. Boland. Touri Bolourchi. Alan Bondarenko. Andre Bonheur. Colin Arthur Bonnett. Frank Bonomo. Yvonne L. Bonomo. Sean Booker. Kelly Ann Booms. Lt. Col. Canfield D. Boone. Mary Jane (MJ) Booth. Sherry Ann Bordeaux. Krystine C. Bordenabe. Martin Boryczewski. Richard E. Bosco. Klaus Bothe. Carol Bouchard. John Howard Boulton. Francisco Bourdier. Thomas H. Bowden. Donna Bowen. Kimberly S. Bowers. Veronique (Bonnie) Nicole Bowers. Larry Bowman. Shawn Edward Bowman. Kevin L. Bowser. Gary R. Box. Gennady Boyarsky. Pamela Boyce. Allen Boyle. Michael Boyle. Alfred Braca. Sandra Conaty Brace. Kevin H. Bracken. Sandra W. Bradshaw. David Brian Brady. Alexander Braginsky. Nicholas W. Brandemarti. Daniel R. Brandhorst. David Reed Gamboa Brandhorst. Michelle Renee Bratton. Patrice Braut. Lydia Estelle Bravo. Ronald Michael Breitweiser. Edward A. Brennan. Frank H. Brennan. Michael Emmett Brennan. Peter Brennan. Thomas M. Brennan. Capt. Daniel Brethel. Gary L. Bright. Jonathan Eric Briley. Mark A. Brisman. Paul Gary Bristow. Victoria Alvarez Brito. Marion Britton. Mark Francis Broderick. Herman C. Broghammer. Keith Broomfield. Bernard Curtis Brown. Capt. Patrick J. Brown. Janice J. Brown. Lloyd Brown. Bettina Browne. Mark Bruce. Richard Bruehert. Andrew Brunn. Capt. Vincent Brunton. Ronald Paul Bucca. Brandon J. Buchanan. Greg Joseph Buck. Dennis Buckley. Nancy Bueche. Patrick Joseph Buhse. John E. Bulaga. Stephen Bunin. Christopher Lee Burford. Capt. William F. Burke. Matthew J. Burke. Thomas Daniel Burke. Charles Burlingame. Donald James Burns. Kathleen A. Burns. Keith James Burns. John Patrick Burnside. Irina Buslo. Milton Bustillo. Thomas M. Butler. Patrick Byrne. Timothy G. Byrne.
Daniel Martin Caballero. Jesus Cabezas. Lillian Caceres. Brian Joseph Cachia. Steven Cafiero. Richard M. Caggiano. Cecile M. Caguicla. John Brett Cahill. Michael John Cahill. Scott W. Cahill. Thomas J. Cahill. George Cain. Salvatore B. Calabro. Joseph Calandrillo. Philip V. Calcagno. Edward Calderon. Sgt. 1st Class Jose Orlando Calderon-Olmedo. Kenneth Marcus Caldwell. Dominick E. Calia. Felix (Bobby) Calixte. Capt. Frank Callahan. Liam Callahan. Suzanne Calley. Luigi Calvi. Roko Camaj. Michael Cammarata. David Otey Campbell. Geoffrey Thomas Campbell. Jill Marie Campbell. Robert Arthur Campbell. Sandra Patricia Campbell. Juan Ortega Campos. Sean Canavan. John A. Candela. Vincent Cangelosi. Stephen J. Cangialosi. Lisa B. Cannava. Brian Cannizzaro. Michael R. Canty. Robin Caplan. Louis A. Caporicci. Jonathan N. Cappello. James Christopher Cappers. Richard M. Caproni. Jose Cardona. Dennis M Carey. Stephen Carey. Edward Carlino. Michael Scott Carlo. David G. Carlone. Rosemarie C. Carlson. Mark Stephen Carney. Joyce Ann Carpeneto. Alicia Acevedo Carranza. Jeremy M. Carrington. Michael T. Carroll. Peter Carroll. James J. Carson. Christoffer Carstanjen. Angelene C. Carter. Christopher Newton Carter. James Marcel Cartier. Sharon Carver. Vivian Casalduc. John F. Casazza. Paul Cascio. Neilie Casey. William Cashman. Margarito Casillas. Thomas Anthony Casoria. William Otto Caspar. Alejandro Castano. Arcelia Castillo. Leonard M. Castrianno. Jose Ramon Castro. William Caswell. Richard G. Catarelli. Christopher Sean Caton. Robert J. Caufield. Mary Teresa Caulfield. Judson Cavalier. Michael Joseph Cawley. Jason D. Cayne. Juan Armando Ceballos. Marcia G. Cecil-Carter. Jason Cefalu. Thomas J. Celic. Ana M. Centeno. Joni Cesta. John J. Chada. Jeffrey M. Chairnoff. Swarna Chalasini. William Chalcoff. Eli Chalouh. Charles Lawrence (Chip) Chan. Mandy Chang. Rosa Maria (Rosemary) Chapa. Mark L. Charette. David M. Charlebois. Gregorio Manuel Chavez. Jayceryll M. de Chavez. Pedro Francisco Checo. Douglas MacMillan Cherry. Stephen Patrick Cherry. Vernon Paul Cherry. Nestor Chevalier. Swede Joseph Chevalier. Alexander H. Chiang. Dorothy J. Chiarchiaro. Luis Alfonso Chimbo. Robert Chin. Wing Wai (Eddie) Ching. Nicholas P. Chiofalo. John Chipura. Peter A. Chirchirillo. Catherine E. Chirls. Kyung (Kaccy) Cho. Abul K. Chowdhury. Mohammed Salahuddin Chowdhury. Kirsten L. Christophe. Pamela Chu. Steven Paul Chucknick. Wai-ching Chung. Christopher Ciafardini. Alex F. Ciccone. Frances Ann Cilente. Elaine Cillo. Edna Cintron. Nestor Andre Cintron. Lt. Robert Dominick Cirri. Juan Pablo Alvarez Cisneros. Benjamin Keefe Clark. Eugene Clark. Gregory A. Clark. Mannie Leroy Clark. Sarah Clark. Thomas R. Clark. Christopher Robert Clarke. Donna Clarke. Michael Clarke. Suria R.E. Clarke. Kevin Francis Cleary. James D. Cleere. Geoffrey W. Cloud. Susan M. Clyne. Steven Coakley. Jeffrey Coale. Patricia A. Cody. Daniel Michael Coffey. Jason Matthew Coffey. Florence Cohen. Kevin Sanford Cohen. Anthony Joseph Coladonato. Mark J. Colaio. Stephen J. Colaio. Christopher M. Colasanti. Kevin Nathaniel Colbert. Michel Paris Colbert. Keith Eugene Coleman. Scott Thomas Coleman. Tarel Coleman. Liam Joseph Colhoun. Robert D. Colin. Robert J. Coll. Jean Marie Collin. John Michael Collins. Michael L. Collins. Thomas J. Collins. Joseph Collison. Jeffrey Collman. Patricia Malia Colodner. Linda M. Colon. Soledi Colon. Ronald Comer. Jaime Concepcion. Albert Conde. Denease Conley. Susan Clancy Conlon. Margaret Mary Conner. Cynthia L. Connolly. John E. Connolly. James Lee Connor. Jonathan (J.C.) Connors. Kevin P. Connors. Kevin Francis Conroy. Brenda E. Conway. Dennis Michael Cook. Helen D. Cook. Jeffrey Coombs. John A. Cooper. Julian Cooper. Zandra Cooper. Joseph J. Coppo. Gerard J. Coppola. Joseph Albert Corbett. John (Jay) J. Corcoran. Alejandro Cordero. Robert Cordice. Ruben D. Correa. Danny A. Correa-Gutierrez. Georgine Rose Corrigan. James Corrigan. Carlos Cortes. Kevin M. Cosgrove. Dolores Marie Costa. Digna Alexandra Rivera Costanza. Charles Gregory Costello. Michael S. Costello. Asia Cottom. Conrod K.H. Cottoy. Martin Coughlan. Sgt. John Gerard Coughlin. Timothy John Coughlin. James E. Cove. Andre Cox. Frederick John Cox. James Raymond Coyle. Michelle Coyle-Eulau. Anne M. Cramer. Christopher Seton Cramer. Lt. Cmdr. Eric Allen Cranford. Denise Crant. James L. Crawford. Robert James Crawford. Tara Creamer. Joanne Mary Cregan. Lucia Crifasi. Lt. John Crisci. Daniel Hal Crisman. Dennis A. Cross. Helen Crossin-Kittle. Kevin Raymond Crotty. Thomas G. Crotty. John Crowe. Welles Remy Crowther. Robert L. Cruikshank. Francisco Cruz. John Robert Cruz. Kenneth John Cubas. Thelma Cuccinello. Richard Joseph Cudina. Neil James Cudmore. Thomas Patrick Cullen. Joan McConnell Cullinan. Joyce Cummings. Brian Thomas Cummins. Nilton Albuquerque Fernao Cunha. Michael Joseph Cunningham. Robert Curatolo. Laurence Curia. Paul Dario Curioli. Patrick Currivan. Beverly Curry. Sgt. Michael Curtin. Patricia Cushing. Gavin Cushny.
Caleb Arron Dack. Carlos S. DaCosta. Jason Dahl. Brian Dale. John D'Allara. Vincent D'Amadeo. Thomas A. Damaskinos. Jack L. D'Ambrosi. Jeannine Marie Damiani-Jones. Patrick W. Danahy. Nana Kwuku Danso. Mary D'Antonio. Vincent G. Danz. Dwight Donald Darcy. Elizabeth Ann Darling. Annette Andrea Dataram. Lt. Edward Alexander D'Atri. Michael D. D'Auria. Lawrence Davidson. Michael Allen Davidson. Scott Matthew Davidson. Titus Davidson. Niurka Davila. Ada M. Davis. Clinton Davis. Wayne Terrial Davis. Anthony Richard Dawson. Calvin Dawson. Edward James Day. William T. Dean. Robert J. DeAngelis. Thomas P. Deangelis. Dorothy Alma DeAraujo. Tara Debek. James Debeuneure. Anna Debin. James V. DeBlase. Paul DeCola. Capt. Gerald Francis Deconto. Simon Dedvukaj. Jason Christopher DeFazio. David A. Defeo. Jennifer DeJesus. Monique E. DeJesus. Nereida DeJesus. Donald A. Delapenha. Vito Joseph Deleo. Danielle Delie. Colleen Ann Deloughery. Joseph Deluca. Anthony Demas. Martin DeMeo. Francis X. Deming. Carol K. Demitz. Kevin Dennis. Thomas F. Dennis. Jean C. DePalma. Jose Nicolas Depena. Robert J. Deraney. Michael DeRienzo. David Paul Derubbio. Jemal Legesse DeSantis. Christian L. DeSimone. Edward DeSimone. Lt. Andrew Desperito. Michael Jude D'Esposito. Cindy Ann Deuel. Melanie Louise DeVere. Jerry DeVito. Robert P. Devitt. Dennis Lawrence Devlin. Gerard Dewan. Simon Suleman Ali Kassamali Dhanani. Michael L. DiAgostino. Lourdes Galletti Diaz. Matthew Diaz. Nancy Diaz. Obdulio Ruiz Diaz. Michael Diaz-Piedra. Judith Belguese Diaz-Sierra. Patricia F. DiChiaro. Rodney Dickens. Lt. Col. Jerry Don Dickerson. Joseph Dermot Dickey. Lawrence Patrick Dickinson. Michael David Diehl. John DiFato. Vincent F. DiFazio. Carl DiFranco. Donald J. DiFranco. Eddie Dillard. Debra Ann DiMartino. David DiMeglio. Stephen P. Dimino. William J. Dimmling. Christopher Dincuff. Jeffrey M. Dingle. Anthony DiOnisio. George DiPasquale. Joseph DiPilato. Douglas Frank DiStefano. Donald Americo DiTullio. Ramzi A. Doany. Johnnie Doctor. John J. Doherty. Melissa C. Doi. Brendan Dolan. Capt. Robert Edward Dolan. Neil Dollard. James Joseph Domanico. Benilda Pascua Domingo. Albert Dominguez. Charles (Carlos) Dominguez. Geronimo (Jerome) Mark Patrick Dominguez. Lt. Kevin W. Donnelly. Cmdr. William Howard Donovan. Jacqueline Donovan. Stephen Dorf. Thomas Dowd. Lt. Kevin Christopher Dowdell. Mary Yolanda Dowling. Raymond M. Downey. Frank Joseph Doyle. Joseph M. Doyle. Randy Drake. Patrick Joseph Driscoll. Stephen Patrick Driscoll. Charles Droz. Mirna A. Duarte. Luke A. Dudek. Christopher Michael Duffy. Gerard Duffy. Michael Joseph Duffy. Thomas W. Duffy. Antoinette Duger. Jackie Sayegh Duggan. Sareve Dukat. Cmdr. Patrick S. Dunn. Christopher Joseph Dunne. Richard A. Dunstan. Patrick Thomas Dwyer.
Joseph Anthony Eacobacci. John Bruce Eagleson. Edward Thomas Earhart. Robert D. Eaton. Dean P. Eberling. Margaret Ruth Echtermann. Paul Robert Eckna. Constantine (Gus) Economos. Barbara G. Edwards. Dennis Michael Edwards. Michael Hardy Edwards. Capt. Martin Egan. Christine Egan. Lisa Egan. Michael Egan. Samantha Egan. Carole Eggert. Lisa Caren Weinstein Ehrlich. John Ernst (Jack) Eichler. Eric Adam Eisenberg. Daphne F. Elder. Michael J. Elferis. Mark J. Ellis. Valerie Silver Ellis. Albert Alfy William Elmarry. Lt. Cmdr. Robert Randolph Elseth. Edgar H. Emery. Doris Suk-Yuen Eng. Christopher S. Epps. Ulf Ramm Ericson. Erwin L. Erker. William J. Erwin. Sarah (Ali) Escarcega. Jose Espinal. Fanny M. Espinoza. Brigette Ann Esposito. Francis Esposito. Lt. Michael Esposito. William Esposito. Ruben Esquilin. Sadie Ette. Barbara G. Etzold. Eric Brian Evans. Robert Edward Evans. Meredith Emily June Ewart.
Catherine K. Fagan. Patricia M. Fagan. Keith G. Fairben. Charles S. Falkenberg. Dana Falkenberg. Zoe Falkenberg. Jamie Lynn Fallon. William F. Fallon. William Fallon. Anthony J. Fallone. Dolores B. Fanelli. Robert Fangman. John Joseph Fanning. Kathleen (Kit) Faragher. Capt. Thomas Farino. Nancy Carole Farley. Paige Farley-Hackel. Elizabeth Ann (Betty) Farmer. Douglas Farnum. John G. Farrell. John W. Farrell. Terrence Patrick Farrell. Capt. Joseph Farrelly. Thomas P. Farrelly. Syed Abdul Fatha. Christopher Faughnan. Wendy R. Faulkner. Shannon M. Fava. Bernard D. Favuzza. Robert Fazio. Ronald C. Fazio. William Feehan. Francis J. (Frank) Feely. Garth E. Feeney. Sean B. Fegan. Lee S. Fehling. Peter Feidelberg. Alan D. Feinberg. Rosa Maria Feliciano. Edward P. Felt. Edward T. Fergus. George Ferguson. James Joe Ferguson. Henry Fernandez. Jose Manuel Contreras Fernandez. Judy H. Fernandez. Elisa Giselle Ferraina. Anne Marie Sallerin Ferreira. Robert John Ferris. David Francis Ferrugio. Louis V. Fersini. Michael David Ferugio. Bradley James Fetchet. Jennifer Louise Fialko. Kristen Fiedel. Amelia V. Fields. Samuel Fields. Alex Filipov. Michael Bradley Finnegan. Timothy J. Finnerty. Michael Curtis Fiore. Stephen J. Fiorelli. Paul M. Fiori. John Fiorito. Lt. John R. Fischer. Andrew Fisher. Bennett Lawson Fisher. Gerald P. Fisher. John Roger Fisher. Thomas J. Fisher. Lucy Fishman. Ryan D. Fitzgerald. Thomas Fitzpatrick. Richard P. Fitzsimons. Salvatore A. Fiumefreddo. Darlene Flagg. Wilson "Bud" Flagg. Christina Donovan Flannery. Eileen Flecha. Andre G. Fletcher. Carl Flickinger. Matthew Michael Flocco. John Joseph Florio. Joseph W. Flounders. Carol Flyzik. David Fodor. Lt. Michael N. Fodor. Steven Mark Fogel. Thomas Foley. Jane C. Folger. David Fontana. Chih Min (Dennis) Foo. Del Rose Forbes-Cheatham. Godwin Forde. Donald A. Foreman. Christopher Hugh Forsythe. Claudia Alicia Martinez Foster. Noel J. Foster. Sandra N. Foster. Ana Fosteris. Robert J. Foti. Jeffrey L. Fox. Virginia Fox. Joan Francis. Pauline Francis. Virgin (Lucy) Francis. Gary J. Frank. Morton Frank. Peter Christopher Frank. Colleen Laura Fraser. Richard K. Fraser. Kevin Joseph Frawley. Clyde Frazier. Lillian I. Frederick. Andrew Fredericks. Tamitha Freemen. Brett O. Freiman. Lt. Peter L. Freund. Arlene E. Fried. Alan Wayne Friedlander. Andrew K. Friedman. Paul Friedman. Gregg J. Froehner. Lisa Frost. Peter Christian Fry. Clement Fumando. Steven Elliot Furman. Paul James Furmato. Karleton D.B. Fyfe.
Fredric Gabler. Richard Gabriel. Richard S. Gabrielle. James Andrew Gadiel. Pamela Gaff. Ervin Vincent Gailliard. Deanna L. Galante. Grace Galante. German Castillo Galicia. Anthony Edward Gallagher. Daniel James Gallagher. John Patrick Gallagher. Cono E. Gallo. Vincenzo Gallucci. Thomas Edward Galvin. Giovanna (Genni) Gambale. Thomas Gambino. Giann F. Gamboa. Ronald Gamboa. Peter J. Ganci. Claude Michael Gann. Lt. Charles William Garbarini. Andrew Garcia. Cesar Garcia. David Garcia. Jorge Luis Morron Garcia. Juan Garcia. Marlyn C. Garcia. Christopher Gardner. Douglas B. Gardner. Harvey J. Gardner. Jeffrey B. Gardner. Thomas A. Gardner. William Arthur Gardner. Francesco Garfi. Rocco Gargano. James M. Gartenberg. Matthew David Garvey. Bruce Gary. Palmina Delli Gatti. Boyd A. Gatton. Donald Richard Gavagan. Peter Gay. Terence D. Gazzani. Gary Geidel. Paul Hamilton Geier. Julie M. Geis. Peter Gelinas. Steven Paul Geller. Howard G. Gelling. Peter Victor Genco. Steven Gregory Genovese. Alayne F. Gentul. Linda George. Edward F. Geraghty. Suzanne Geraty. Ralph Gerhardt. Robert J. Gerlich. Denis P. Germain. Marina R. Gertsberg. Susan M. Getzendanner. Capt. Lawrence Daniel Getzfred. James Gerard Geyer. Cortz Ghee. Joseph M. Giaccone. Lt. Vincent Francis Giammona. Debra L. Gibbon. James A. Giberson. Brenda C. Gibson. Craig Neil Gibson. Ronnie Gies. Laura A. Giglio. Andrew Clive Gilbert. Timothy Paul Gilbert. Paul Stuart Gilbey. Paul John Gill. Mark Y. Gilles. Evan H. Gillette. Ronald Gilligan. Sgt. Rodney C. Gillis. Laura Gilly. Lt. John F. Ginley. Donna Marie Giordano. Jeffrey Giordano. John Giordano. Steven A. Giorgetti. Martin Giovinazzo. Kum-Kum Girolamo. Salvatore Gitto. Cynthia Giugliano. Mon Gjonbalaj. Dianne Gladstone. Keith Alexander Glascoe. Thomas I. Glasser. Edmund Glazer. Harry Glenn. Barry H. Glick. Jeremy Glick. Steven Lawrence Glick. John T. Gnazzo. William (Bill) Robert Godshalk. Michael Gogliormella. Brian Fredric Goldberg. Jeffrey Grant Goldflam. Michelle Herman Goldstein. Monica Goldstein. Steven Goldstein. Ron Golinski. Andrew H. Golkin. Dennis James Gomes. Enrique Antonio Gomez. Jose Bienvenido Gomez. Manuel Gomez. Wilder Gomez. Jenine Gonzalez. Joel Guevara Gonzalez. Mauricio Gonzalez. Rosa J. Gonzalez. Lynn Catherine Goodchild. Calvin J. Gooding. Peter Morgan Goodrich. Harry Goody. Kiran Reddy Gopu. Catherine Carmen Gorayeb. Lisa Fenn Gordenstein. Kerene Gordon. Sebastian Gorki. Kieran Gorman. Thomas E. Gorman. Michael Edward Gould. Douglas A. Gowell. Yugi Goya. Jon Richard Grabowski. Christopher Michael Grady. Edwin John Graf. David M. Graifman. Gilbert Granados. Lauren Grandcolas. Elvira Granitto. Winston Arthur Grant. Christopher Stewart Gray. Ian J. Gray. James Michael Gray. Linda Mair Grayling. John Michael Grazioso. Timothy Grazioso. Andrew Peter Charles Curry Green. Derrick Arthur Green. Wade Brian Green. Wanda Anita Green. Elaine Myra Greenberg. Donald F. Greene. Gayle R. Greene. James Arthur Greenleaf. Eileen Marsha Greenstein. Elizabeth (Lisa) Martin Gregg. Denise Gregory. Donald H. Gregory. Florence M. Gregory. Pedro (David) Grehan. John M. Griffin. Tawanna Griffin. Joan D. Griffith. Warren Grifka. Ramon Grijalvo. Joseph F. Grillo. David Grimner. The Rev. Francis E. Grogan. Linda Gronlund. Kenneth Grouzalis. Joseph Grzelak. Matthew J. Grzymalski. Robert Joseph Gschaar. Liming (Michael) Gu. Richard Guadagno. Jose A. Guadalupe. Yan Zhu (Cindy) Guan. Geoffrey E. Guja. Lt. Joseph Gullickson. Babita Guman. Douglas B. Gurian. Philip T. Guza. Barbara Guzzardo. Peter Gyulavary.
Gary Robert Haag. Andrea Lyn Haberman. Barbara M. Habib. Philip Haentzler. Nizam A. Hafiz. Karen Hagerty. Steven Hagis. Mary Lou Hague. David Halderman. Maile Rachel Hale. Diane M. Hale-McKinzy. Richard Hall. Stanley Hall. Vaswald George Hall. Robert John Halligan. Lt. Vincent Gerard Halloran. Carolyn B. Halmon. James D. Halvorson. Mohammed Salman Hamdani. Felicia Hamilton. Robert Hamilton. Carl Max Hammond. Frederic Kim Han. Christopher James Hanley. Sean Hanley. Valerie Joan Hanna. Thomas Hannafin. Kevin James Hannaford. Michael L. Hannan. Dana Hannon. Christine Lee Hanson. Peter Hanson. Vassilios G. Haramis. James A. Haran. Gerald F. Hardacre. Jeffrey P. Hardy. Timothy John Hargrave. Daniel Harlin. Frances Haros. Lt. Harvey L. Harrell. Lt. Stephen Gary Harrell. Aisha Harris. Stewart D. Harris. John Patrick Hart. Eric Samadikan Hartono. John Clinton Hartz. Emeric J. Harvey. Peter Hashem. Capt. Thomas Theodore Haskell. Timothy Haskell. Joseph John Hasson. Capt. Terence S. Hatton. Leonard William Hatton. Michael Helmut Haub. Timothy Aaron Haviland. Donald G. Havlish. Anthony Hawkins. Nobuhiro Hayatsu. James E. Hayden. Philip Hayes. Robert Hayes. William Ward Haynes. Scott Hazelcorn. Lt. Michael K. Healey. Roberta Bernstein Heber. Charles Francis Xavier Heeran. John Heffernan. Michele Heidenberger. Sheila Hein. Howard Joseph Heller. JoAnn L. Heltibridle. Ronald John Hemenway. Mark F. Hemschoot. Ronnie Lee Henderson. Janet Hendricks. Brian Hennessey. Edward (Ted) R. Hennessy. Michelle Marie Henrique. Joseph P. Henry. William Henry. John Henwood. Robert Allan Hepburn. Mary (Molly) Herencia. Lindsay Coates Herkness. Harvey Robert Hermer. Claribel Hernandez. Norberto Hernandez. Raul Hernandez. Gary Herold. Jeffrey A. Hersch. Thomas Hetzel. Capt. Brian Hickey. Ysidro Hidalgo-Tejada. Lt. Timothy Higgins. Robert D. Higley. Todd Russell Hill. Clara Victorine Hinds. Neal Hinds. Mark D. Hindy. Richard Bruce Van Hine. Katsuyuki Hirai. Heather Malia Ho. Tara Yvette Hobbs. Thomas A. Hobbs. James L. Hobin. Robert Wayne Hobson. DaJuan Hodges. Ronald George Hoerner. Patrick Aloysius Hoey. John A. Hofer. Marcia Hoffman. Stephen G. Hoffman. Frederick J. Hoffmann. Michele L. Hoffmann. Judith Florence Hofmiller. Maj. Wallace Cole Hogan. Thomas Warren Hohlweck. Jonathan R. Hohmann. Cora Hidalgo Holland. John Holland. Joseph Francis Holland. Jimmie Ira Holley. Elizabeth Holmes. Thomas P. Holohan. Herbert W. Homer. Leroy Homer. Bradley Hoorn. James P. Hopper. Montgomery McCullough Hord. Michael Horn. Matthew D. Horning. Robert L. Horohoe. Michael R. Horrocks. Aaron Horwitz. Charles J. Houston. Uhuru G. Houston. Angela Houtz. George Howard. Brady K. Howell. Michael C. Howell. Steven L. Howell. Jennifer L. Howley. Milagros Hromada. Marian Hrycak. Stephen Huczko. Kris R. Hughes. Melissa Harrington Hughes. Paul R. Hughes. Robert T. "Bobby" Hughes. Thomas F. Hughes. Timothy Robert Hughes. Susan Huie. Mychal Lamar Hulse. Nicholas Humber. Kathleen (Casey) Hunt. William C. Hunt. Joseph G. Hunter. Peggie Hurt. Robert Hussa. Lt. Col. Stephen Neil Hyland. Robert J. Hymel. Capt. Walter Hynes. Thomas E. Hynes.
Joseph Anthony Ianelli. Zuhtu Ibis. Jonathan Lee Ielpi. Michael Patrick Iken. Daniel Ilkanayev. Capt. Frederick Ill. Abraham Nethanel Ilowitz. Anthony P. Infante. Louis S. Inghilterra. Christopher N. Ingrassia. Paul Innella. Stephanie V. Irby. Douglas Irgang. Kristin A. Irvine-Ryan. Todd A. Isaac. Erik Hans Isbrandtsen. Taizo Ishikawa. Waleed Iskandar. Aram Iskenderian. John Iskyan. Kazushige Ito. Aleksandr Valeryerich Ivantsov. Sgt. Maj. Lacey B. Ivory.
Virginia Jablonski. Bryan Jack. Brooke Alexandra Jackman. Aaron Jacobs. Ariel Louis Jacobs. Jason Kyle Jacobs. Michael Grady Jacobs. Steven A. Jacobson. Steven D. Jacoby. Ricknauth Jaggernauth. Jake Denis Jagoda. Yudh V.S. Jain. Maria Jakubiak. Robert Adrien Jalbert. Ernest James. Gricelda E. James. Mark Jardim. Amy N. Jarret. Mohammed Jawara. Francois Jean-Pierre. Maxima Jean-Pierre. Paul E. Jeffers. John Charles Jenkins. Joseph Jenkins. Alan K. Jensen. Prem N. Jerath. Farah Jeudy. Hweidar Jian. Eliezer Jimenez. Luis Jimenez. Charles Gregory John. Nicholas John. LaShawana Johnson. Lt. Col. Dennis M. Johnson. Scott M. Johnson. William Johnston. Allison Horstmann Jones. Arthur Joseph Jones. Brian L. Jones. Charles Edward Jones. Christopher D. Jones. Donald T. Jones. Donald W. Jones. Judith Jones. Linda Jones. Mary S. Jones. Andrew Jordan. Robert Thomas Jordan. Albert Joseph. Ingeborg Joseph. Karl Henri Joseph. Stephen Joseph. Jane Eileen Josiah. Lt. Anthony Jovic. Thomas E. Burnett Jr.. Angel Luis Juarbe. Karen Susan Juday. Ann Judge. The Rev. Mychal Judge. Paul W. Jurgens. Thomas Edward Jurgens.
Kacinga Kabeya. Shashi Kiran Lakshmikantha Kadaba. Gavkharoy Mukhometovna Kamardinova. Shari Kandell. Howard Lee Kane. Jennifer Lynn Kane. Vincent D. Kane. Joon Koo Kang. Sheldon R. Kanter. Deborah H. Kaplan. Alvin Peter Kappelmann. Charles Karczewski. William A. Karnes. Douglas G. Karpiloff. Charles L. Kasper. Andrew Kates. John Katsimatides. Sgt. Robert Kaulfers. Don Jerome Kauth. Hideya Kawauchi. Edward T. Keane. Richard M. Keane. Lisa Kearney-Griffin. Karol Ann Keasler. Barbara Keating. Paul Hanlon Keating. Leo Russell Keene. Brenda Kegler. Chandler Keller. Joseph J. Keller. Peter Rodney Kellerman. Joseph P. Kellett. Frederick H. Kelley. James Joseph Kelly. Joseph A. Kelly. Maurice Patrick Kelly. Richard John Kelly. Thomas Michael Kelly. Thomas Richard Kelly. Thomas W. Kelly. Timothy C. Kelly. William Hill Kelly. Robert C. Kennedy. Thomas J. Kennedy. Yvonne Kennedy. John Keohane. Ralph Francis Kershaw. Lt. Ronald T. Kerwin. Howard L. Kestenbaum. Douglas D. Ketcham. Ruth E. Ketler. Boris Khalif. Norma Khan. Sarah Khan. Taimour Firaz Khan. Rajesh Khandelwal. Bhowanie Devi Khemraj. SeiLai Khoo. Michael Kiefer. Satoshi Kikuchihara. Andrew Jay-Hoon Kim. Lawrence Don Kim. Mary Jo Kimelman. Sue Jue Kim-Hanson. Heinrich Kimmig. Karen A. Kincaid. Amy R. King. Andrew Marshall King. Lucille T. King. Robert King. Lisa M. King-Johnson. Brian Kinney. Takashi Kinoshita. Chris Michael Kirby. Howard (Barry) Kirschbaum. Glenn Davis Kirwin. Richard J. Klares. Peter A. Klein. Alan D. Kleinberg. Karen J. Klitzman. Ronald Philip Kloepfer. Andrew Knox. Thomas Patrick Knox. Yevgeny Knyazev. Rebecca Lee Koborie. Deborah Kobus. Gary Edward Koecheler. Frank J. Koestner. Ryan Kohart. Vanessa Lynn Kolpak. Irina Kolpakova. Suzanne Kondratenko. Abdoulaye Kone. Bon-seok Koo. Dorota Kopiczko. Scott Kopytko. Bojan Kostic. Danielle Kousoulis. David Kovalcin. John J. Kren. William Krukowski. Lyudmila Ksido. Toshiya Kuge. Shekhar Kumar. Kenneth Kumpel. Frederick Kuo. Patricia Kuras. Nauka Kushitani. Thomas Joseph Kuveikis. Victor Kwarkye. Kui Fai Kwok. Angela R. Kyte.
Kathryn L. LaBorie. Amarnauth Lachhman. Andrew LaCorte. Ganesh Ladkat. James P. Ladley. Daniel M. Van Laere. Joseph A. Lafalce. Jeanette LaFond-Menichino. David LaForge. Michael Patrick LaForte. Alan Lafranco. Juan Lafuente. Neil K. Lai. Vincent A. Laieta. William David Lake. Franco Lalama. Chow Kwan Lam. Lt. Michael Scott Lamana. Stephen LaMantia. Amy Hope Lamonsoff. Robert T. Lane. Brendan M. Lang. Rosanne P. Lang. Vanessa Langer. Mary Lou Langley. Peter J. Langone. Thomas Langone. Michele B. Lanza. Ruth Sheila Lapin. Carol Ann LaPlante. Ingeborg Astrid Desiree Lariby. Robin Larkey. Judy Larocque. Christopher Randall Larrabee. Hamidou S. Larry. Scott Larsen. John Adam Larson. Natalie Janis Lasden. Gary E. Lasko. Nicholas C. Lassman. Paul Laszczynski. Jeffrey Latouche. Cristina de Laura. Oscar de Laura. Charles Laurencin. Stephen James Lauria. Maria Lavache. Denis F. Lavelle. Jeannine M. LaVerde. Anna A. Laverty. Steven Lawn. Robert A. Lawrence. Nathaniel Lawson. David W. Laychak. Eugen Lazar. James Patrick Leahy. Lt. Joseph Gerard Leavey. Neil Leavy. Robert George LeBlanc. Leon Lebor. Kenneth Charles Ledee. Alan J. Lederman. Elena Ledesma. Alexis Leduc. Daniel John Lee. David S. Lee. Dong Lee. Gary H. Lee. Hyun-joon (Paul) Lee. Jong-min Lee. Juanita Lee. Kathryn Blair Lee. Linda C. Lee. Lorraine Lee. Myung-woo Lee. Richard Y.C. Lee. Stuart (Soo-Jin) Lee. Yang Der Lee. Stephen Lefkowitz. Adriana Legro. Edward J. Lehman. Eric Andrew Lehrfeld. David Ralph Leistman. David Prudencio LeMagne. Joseph A. Lenihan. John J. Lennon. John Robinson Lenoir. Jorge Luis Leon. Matthew Gerard Leonard. Michael Lepore. Charles Antoine Lesperance. Jeffrey Earle LeVeen. John D. Levi. Alisha Caren Levin. Neil D. Levin. Robert Levine. Robert M. Levine. Shai Levinhar. Daniel C. Lewin. Adam J. Lewis. Jennifer Lewis. Kenneth Lewis. Margaret Susan Lewis. Ye Wei Liang. Orasri Liangthanasarn. Daniel F. Libretti. Ralph M. Licciardi. Edward Lichtschein. Samantha Lightbourn-Allen. Steven B. Lillianthal. Carlos R. Lillo. Craig Damian Lilore. Arnold A. Lim. Darya Lin. Wei Rong Lin. Tomas Gallegos Linares. Nickie L. Lindo. Thomas V. Linehan. Robert Thomas Linnane. Alan Linton. Diane Theresa Lipari. Kenneth P. Lira. Francisco Alberto Liriano. Lorraine Lisi. Paul Lisson. Vincent Litto. Ming-Hao Liu. Nancy Liz. Harold Lizcano. Martin Lizzul. George A. Llanes. Elizabeth Claire Logler. Catherine Lisa Loguidice. Jerome Robert Lohez. Michael W. Lomax. Maj. Steve Long. Laura M. Longing. Salvatore P. Lopes. Daniel Lopez. George Lopez. Luis Lopez. Maclovio Lopez. Manuel L. Lopez. Joseph Lostrangio. Chet Louie. Stuart Seid Louis. Joseph Lovero. Sara Low. Michael W. Lowe. Garry Lozier. John Peter Lozowsky. Charles Peter Lucania. Edward (Ted) H. Luckett. Mark G. Ludvigsen. Lee Charles Ludwig. Sean Thomas Lugano. Daniel Lugo. Marie Lukas. William Lum. Michael P. Lunden. Christopher Lunder. Anthony Luparello. Gary Lutnick. Linda Luzzicone. Alexander Lygin. CeeCee Lyles. Farrell Peter Lynch. James Francis Lynch. James Lynch. Louise A. Lynch. Michael F. Lynch. Michael Francis Lynch. Michael Lynch. Richard Dennis Lynch. Robert H. Lynch. Sean Lynch. Sean Patrick Lynch. Terence M. Lynch. Michael J. Lyons. Monica Lyons. Nehamon Lyons. Patrick Lyons.
Robert Francis Mace. Marianne MacFarlane. Jan Maciejewski. Susan A. MacKay. Catherine Fairfax MacRae. Richard B. Madden. Simon Maddison. Noell Maerz. Jeannieann Maffeo. Joseph Maffeo. Jay Robert Magazine. Brian Magee. Charles Wilson Magee. Joseph Maggitti. Ronald E. Magnuson. Daniel L. Maher. Thomas Anthony Mahon. William Mahoney. Joseph Maio. Takashi Makimoto. Abdu Malahi. Debora Maldonado. Myrna T. Maldonado-Agosto. Alfred R. Maler. Gregory James Malone. Edward Francis (Teddy) Maloney. Joseph E. Maloney. Gene E. Maloy. Christian Maltby. Francisco Miguel (Frank) Mancini. Joseph Mangano. Sara Elizabeth Manley. Debra M. Mannetta. Marion Victoria (vickie) Manning. Terence J. Manning. James Maounis. Alfred Gilles Padre Joseph Marchand. Joseph Ross Marchbanks. Hilda Marcin. Peter Edward Mardikian. Edward Joseph Mardovich. Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta. Louis Neil Mariani. Kenneth Joseph Marino. Lester Vincent Marino. Vita Marino. Kevin D. Marlo. Jose J. Marrero. John Marshall. Shelley A. Marshall. James Martello. Michael A. Marti. Karen A. Martin. Lt. Peter Martin. Teresa Martin. William J. Martin. Brian E. Martineau. Betsy Martinez. Edward J. Martinez. Jose Martinez. Robert Gabriel Martinez. Lizie Martinez-Calderon. Francis (Frank) Albert De Martini. Lt. Paul Richard Martini. Joseph A. Mascali. Bernard Mascarenhas. Stephen F. Masi. Ada L. Mason. Nicholas G. Massa. Patricia A. Massari. Michael Massaroli. Philip W. Mastrandrea. Rudolph Mastrocinque. Joseph Mathai. Charles William Mathers. William A. Mathesen. Marcello Matricciano. Margaret Elaine Mattic. Lt. Col. Dean E. Mattson. Robert D. Mattson. Walter Matuza. Lt. Gen. Timothy J. Maude. Charles A. (Chuck) Mauro. Charles J. Mauro. Dorothy Mauro. Nancy T. Mauro. Robert J. Maxwell. Renee A. May. Tyrone May. Keithroy Maynard. Robert J. Mayo. Kathy Nancy Mazza-Delosh. Edward Mazzella. Jennifer Mazzotta. Kaaria Mbaya. James J. McAlary. Brian McAleese. Patricia A. McAneney. Colin Richard McArthur. John McAvoy. Kenneth M. McBrayer. Brendan McCabe. Michael J. McCabe. Thomas McCann. Justin McCarthy. Kevin M. McCarthy. Michael Desmond McCarthy. Robert Garvin McCarthy. Stanley McCaskill. Katie Marie McCloskey. Tara McCloud-Gray. Juliana Valentine McCourt. Ruth Magdaline McCourt. Charles Austin McCrann. Tonyell McDay. Matthew T. McDermott. Joseph P. McDonald. Brian G. McDonnell. Michael McDonnell. John F. McDowell. Eamon J. McEneaney. John Thomas McErlean. Katherine (Katie) McGarry-Noack. Daniel F. McGinley. Mark Ryan McGinly. Lt. William E. McGinn. Thomas H. McGinnis. Michael Gregory McGinty. Ann McGovern. Scott Martin McGovern. William J. McGovern. Stacey S. McGowan. Francis Noel McGuinn. First Officer Thomas McGuinness. Patrick J. McGuire. Thomas M. McHale. Keith McHeffey. Ann M. McHugh. Denis J. McHugh. Dennis P. McHugh. Michael Edward McHugh. Robert G. McIlvaine. Donald James McIntyre. Stephanie McKenna. Molly McKenzie. Barry J. McKeon. Evelyn C. McKinnedy. Darryl Leron McKinney. George Patrick McLaughlin. Robert C. McLaughlin. Gavin McMahon. Robert Dismas McMahon. Edmund M. McNally. Daniel McNeal. Walter Arthur McNeil. Jaselliny McNish. Christine Sheila McNulty. Sean Peter McNulty. Robert William McPadden. Terence A. McShane. Timothy Patrick McSweeney. Martin E. McWilliams. Rocco A. Medaglia. Abigail Medina. Ana Iris Medina. Deborah Medwig. Damian Meehan. William J. Meehan. Alok Kumar Mehta. Raymond Meisenheimer. Manuel Emilio Mejia. Eskedar Melaku. Antonio Melendez. Mary Melendez. Christopher D. Mello. Yelena Melnichenko. Stuart Todd Meltzer. Diarelia Jovannah Mena. Dora Menchaca. Charles Mendez. Lizette Mendoza. Shevonne Mentis. Wolfgang Peter Menzel. Steve Mercado. Wesley Mercer. Ralph Joseph Mercurio. Alan H. Merdinger. George C. Merino. Yamel Merino. George Merkouris. Deborah Merrick. Raymond J. Metz. Jill A. Metzler. David Robert Meyer. Nurul Huq Miah. William Edward Micciulli. Martin Paul Michelstein. Patricia E. (Patti) Mickley. Luis Clodoaldo Revilla Mier. Maj. Ronald D. Milam. Peter T. Milano. Gregory Milanowycz. Lukasz T. Milewski. Corey Peter Miller. Craig James Miller. Douglas C. Miller. Henry Miller. Joel Miller. Michael Matthew Miller. Nicole Miller. Phillip D. Miller. Robert Alan Miller. Robert C. Miller. Benjamin Millman. Charles M. Mills. Ronald Keith Milstein. Robert Minara. William G. Minardi. Louis Joseph Minervino. Thomas Mingione. Nana Akwasi Minkah. Wilbert Miraille. Domenick Mircovich. Rajesh A. Mirpuri. Joseph Mistrulli. Susan Miszkowicz. Lt. Paul Thomas Mitchell. Richard Miuccio. Jeff Mladenik. Frank V. Moccia. Capt. Louis Joseph Modafferi. Boyie Mohammed. Lt. Dennis Mojica. Manuel Mojica. Fernando Jimenez Molina. Kleber Rolando Molina. Manuel Dejesus Molina. Carl Molinaro. Justin J. Molisani. Brian Patrick Monaghan. Franklin Monahan. John Gerard Monahan. Kristen Montanaro. Craig D. Montano. Michael Montesi. Carlos Alberto Montoya. Cheryl Ann Monyak. Capt. Thomas Moody. Sharon Moore. Krishna Moorthy. Laura Lee Morabito. Abner Morales. Carlos Morales. Luis Morales. Paula Morales. Gerard (Jerry) P. Moran. John Christopher Moran. John Moran. Kathleen Moran. Lindsay S. Morehouse. George Morell. Steven P. Morello. Vincent S. Morello. Arturo Alva Moreno. Yvette Nicole Moreno. Dorothy Morgan. Richard Morgan. Nancy Morgenstern. Sanae Mori. Blanca Morocho. Leonel Morocho. Dennis G. Moroney. Lynne Irene Morris. Odessa V. Morris. Seth A. Morris. Stephen Philip Morris. Christopher M. Morrison. Ferdinand V. Morrone. William David Moskal. Brian Anthony Moss. Manuel Da Mota. Marco Motroni. Iouri A. Mouchinski. Jude J. Moussa. Peter C. Moutos. Damion Mowatt. Ted Moy. Christopher Mozzillo. Stephen V. Mulderry. Richard Muldowney. Michael D. Mullan. Dennis Michael Mulligan. Peter James Mulligan. Michael Joseph Mullin. James Donald Munhall. Nancy Muniz. Carlos Mario Munoz. Francisco Munoz. Theresa (Terry) Munson. Robert M. Murach. Cesar Augusto Murillo. Marc A. Murolo. Brian Joseph Murphy. Charles Murphy. Christopher W. Murphy. Edward C. Murphy. James F. Murphy. James Thomas Murphy. Kevin James Murphy. Lt. Cmdr. Patrick Jude Murphy. Lt. Raymond E. Murphy. Patrick Sean Murphy. Robert Eddie Murphy. John Joseph Murray. John Joseph Murray. Susan D. Murray. Valerie Victoria Murray. Richard Todd Myhre.
Louis J. Nacke. Lt. Robert B. Nagel. Mildred Naiman. Takuya Nakamura. Alexander J.R. Napier. Frank Joseph Naples. John Napolitano. Catherine A. Nardella. Mario Nardone. Manika Narula. Shawn M. Nassaney. Narender Nath. Karen S. Navarro. Joseph M. Navas. Francis J. Nazario. Glenroy Neblett. Marcus R. Neblett. Jerome O. Nedd. Laurence Nedell. Luke G. Nee. Pete Negron. Laurie Ann Neira. Ann Nicole Nelson. David William Nelson. James Nelson. Michele Ann Nelson. Peter Allen Nelson. Oscar Nesbitt. Gerard Terence Nevins. Renee Newell. Christopher Newton. Kapinga Ngalula. Nancy Yuen Ngo. Khang Nguyen. Jody Tepedino Nichilo. Kathleen Nicosia. Martin Niederer. Alfonse J. Niedermeyer. Frank John Niestadt. Gloria Nieves. Juan Nieves. Troy Edward Nilsen. Paul R. Nimbley. John Ballantine Niven. Curtis Terrence Noel. Michael Allen Noeth. Daniel R. Nolan. Robert Walter Noonan. Jacqueline J. Norton. Robert Grant Norton. Daniela R. Notaro. Brian Novotny. Soichi Numata. Brian Felix Nunez. Jose R. Nunez. Jeffrey Nussbaum.
James A. Oakley. Dennis O'Berg. James P. O'Brien. Michael O'Brien. Scott J. O'Brien. Timothy Michael O'Brien. Lt. Daniel O'Callaghan. Jefferson Ocampo. Dennis J. O'Connor. Diana J. O'Connor. Keith K. O'Connor. Richard J. O'Connor. Amy O'Doherty. Marni Pont O'Doherty. Douglas Oelschlager. Takashi Ogawa. Albert Ogletree. Philip Paul Ognibene. John Ogonowski. James Andrew O'Grady. Joseph J. Ogren. Lt. Thomas O'Hagan. Samuel Oitice. Capt. William O'Keefe. Patrick O'Keefe. Gerald Michael Olcott. Gerald O'Leary. Christine Anne Olender. Elsy Carolina Osorio Oliva. Linda Mary Oliva. Edward K. Oliver. Leah E. Oliver. Eric T. Olsen. Jeffrey James Olsen. Barbara Olson. Maureen L. Olson. Steven John Olson. Matthew Timothy O'Mahoney. Toshihiro Onda. Seamus L. O'Neal. John P. O'Neill. Peter J. O'Neill. Sean Gordon Corbett O'Neill. Betty Ong. Michael C. Opperman. Christopher Orgielewicz. Margaret Orloske. Virginia A. Ormiston-Kenworthy. Ruben Ornedo. Kevin O'Rourke. Juan Romero Orozco. Ronald Orsini. Peter K. Ortale. Jane M. Orth. Alexander Ortiz. David Ortiz. Emilio (Peter) Ortiz. Pablo Ortiz. Paul Ortiz. Sonia Ortiz. Masaru Ose. Patrick J. O'Shea. Robert W. O'Shea. James Robert Ostrowski. Timothy O'Sullivan. Jason Douglas Oswald. Michael Otten. Isidro Ottenwalder. Michael Chung Ou. Todd Joseph Ouida. Jesus Ovalles. Peter J. Owens. Adianes Oyola.
Angel M. Pabon. Israel Pabon. Roland Pacheco. Michael Benjamin Packer. Diana Borrero de Padro. Spc. Chin Sun Pak. Deepa K. Pakkala. Jeffrey Matthew Palazzo. Thomas Anthony Palazzo. Richard (Rico) Palazzolo. Orio Joseph Palmer. Frank A. Palombo. Alan N. Palumbo. Christopher M. Panatier. Dominique Pandolfo. Lt. Jonas Martin Panik. Paul Pansini. John M. Paolillo. Edward J. Papa. Salvatore Papasso. James N. Pappageorge. Marie Pappalardo. Vinod K. Parakat. Vijayashanker Paramsothy. Nitin Parandkar. Hardai (Casey) Parbhu. James Wendell Parham. Debra (Debbie) Paris. George Paris. Gye-Hyong Park. Philip L. Parker. Michael A. Parkes. Robert Emmett Parks. Hasmukhrai Chuckulal Parmar. Robert Parro. Diane Marie Moore Parsons. Leobardo Lopez Pascual. Michael J. Pascuma. Jerrold H. Paskins. Horace Robert Passananti. Suzanne H. Passaro. Victor Antonio Martinez Pastrana. Avnish Ramanbhai Patel. Dipti Patel. Manish K. Patel. Steven B. Paterson. James Matthew Patrick. Manuel Patrocino. Bernard E. Patterson. Maj. Clifford L. Patterson. Cira Marie Patti. Robert Edward Pattison. James R. Paul. Patrice Paz. Sharon Cristina Millan Paz. Victor Paz-Gutierrez. Stacey L. Peak. Richard Allen Pearlman. Durrell Pearsall. Thomas Pecorelli. Thomas E. Pedicini. Todd D. Pelino. Michel Adrian Pelletier. Anthony Peluso. Angel Ramon Pena. Emerita (Emy) De La Pena. Robert Penniger. Richard Al Penny. Salvatore F. Pepe. Carl Allen Peralta. Robert David Peraza. Jon A. Perconti. Alejo Perez. Angel Perez. Angela Susan Perez. Anthony Perez. Ivan Perez. Nancy E. Perez. Berinthia Berenson Perkins. Joseph John Perroncino. Edward J. Perrotta. Emelda Perry. John William Perry. Lt. Glenn C. Perry. Franklin Allan Pershep. Daniel Pesce. Michael J. Pescherine. Davin Peterson. Donald Arthur Peterson. Jean Hoadley Peterson. William Russel Peterson. Mark Petrocelli. Lt. Philip S. Petti. Glen Kerrin Pettit. Dominick Pezzulo. Kaleen E. Pezzuti. Lt. Kevin Pfeifer. Tu-Anh Pham. Lt. Kenneth John Phelan. Michael V. San Phillip. Eugenia Piantieri. Ludwig John Picarro. Matthew Picerno. Joseph O. Pick. Christopher Pickford. Dennis J. Pierce. Joseph A. Della Pietra. Bernard T. Pietronico. Nicholas P. Pietrunti. Theodoros Pigis. Susan Elizabeth Ancona Pinto. Joseph Piskadlo. Christopher Todd Pitman. Josh Piver. Robert R. Ploger. Joseph Plumitallo. John M. Pocher. William Howard Pohlmann. Laurence M. Polatsch. Thomas H. Polhemus. Steve Pollicino. Susan M. Pollio. Lt. J.G. Darin Howard Pontell. Joshua Poptean. Giovanna Porras. Anthony Portillo. James Edward Potorti. Daphne Pouletsos. Richard Poulos. Stephen E. Poulos. Brandon Jerome Powell. Scott Powell. Shawn Edward Powell. Tony Pratt. Gregory M. Preziose. Wanda Ivelisse Prince. Vincent Princiotta. Kevin Prior. Everett Martin (Marty) Proctor. Carrie B. Progen. David Lee Pruim. Richard Prunty. John F. Puckett. Robert D. Pugliese. Edward F. Pullis. Patricia Ann Puma. (Retired) Capt. Jack Punches. Sonia Morales Puopolo. Hemanth Kumar Puttur. Joseph John Pycior. Edward R. Pykon.
Christopher Quackenbush. Lars Peter Qualben. Lincoln Quappe. Beth Ann Quigley. Patrick Quigley. Lt. Michael Quilty. James Francis Quinn. Ricardo Quinn.
Carol Rabalais. Christopher Peter A. Racaniello. Leonard Ragaglia. Eugene J. Raggio. Laura Marie Ragonese-Snik. Michael Ragusa. Peter F. Raimondi. Harry A. Raines. Lisa J. Raines. Ehtesham U. Raja. Valsa Raju. Edward Rall. Lukas (Luke) Rambousek. Julio Fernandez Ramirez. Maria Isabel Ramirez. Harry Ramos. Vishnoo Ramsaroop. Deborah Ramsaur. Lorenzo Ramzey. A. Todd Rancke. Adam David Rand. Jonathan C. Randall. Srinivasa Shreyas Ranganath. Anne Rose T. Ransom. Faina Rapoport. Rhonda Rasmussen. Robert Arthur Rasmussen. Amenia Rasool. Roger Mark Rasweiler. Marsha Dianah Ratchford. David Alan James Rathkey. William Ralph Raub. Gerard Rauzi. Alexey Razuvaev. Gregory Reda. Sarah (Prothero) Redheffer. Michele Reed. Judith A. Reese. Donald J. Regan. Lt. Robert M. Regan. Thomas M. Regan. Christian Michael Otto Regenhard. Howard Reich. Gregg Reidy. James Brian Reilly. Kevin O. Reilly. Timothy E. Reilly. Joseph Reina. Thomas Barnes Reinig. Frank B. Reisman. Joshua Scott Reiss. Karen Renda. John Armand Reo. Richard Rescorla. John Thomas Resta. Sylvia San Pio Resta. Martha Reszke. David E. Retik. Todd Reuben. Eduvigis (Eddie) Reyes. Bruce A. Reynolds. John Frederick Rhodes. Francis S. Riccardelli. Rudolph N. Riccio. AnnMarie (Davi) Riccoboni. David Rice. Eileen Mary Rice. Kenneth F. Rice. Cecelia E. Richard. Lt. Vernon Allan Richard. Claude D. Richards. Gregory Richards. Michael Richards. Venesha O. Richards. James C. Riches. Alan Jay Richman. John M. Rigo. Frederick Charles Rimmele. Theresa (Ginger) Risco. Rose Mary Riso. Moises N. Rivas. Joseph Rivelli. Carmen A. Rivera. Isaias Rivera. Juan William Rivera. Linda Rivera. Waleska Martinez Rivera. David E. Rivers. Joseph R. Riverso. Paul Rizza. John Frank Rizzo. Stephen Louis Roach. Joseph Roberto. Leo A. Roberts. Michael Edward Roberts. Michael Roberts. Donald Walter Robertson. Catherina Robinson. Jeffrey Robinson. Michell Lee Robotham. Donald Robson. Antonio Augusto Tome Rocha. Raymond J. Rocha. Laura Rockefeller. John M. Rodak. Antonio Jose Carrusca Rodrigues. Anthony Rodriguez. Carmen Milagros Rodriguez. Gregory E. Rodriguez. Marsha A. Rodriguez. Richard Rodriguez. David B. Rodriguez-Vargas. Matthew Rogan. Jean Roger. Karlie Barbara Rogers. Scott Rohner. Keith Roma. Joseph M. Romagnolo. Efrain Franco Romero. Elvin Santiago Romero. James A. Romito. Sean Rooney. Eric Thomas Ropiteau. Aida Rosario. Angela Rosario. Fitzroy St. Rose. Mark H. Rosen. Brooke David Rosenbaum. Linda Rosenbaum. Sheryl Lynn Rosenbaum. Lloyd D. Rosenberg. Mark Louis Rosenberg. Andrew I. Rosenblum. Joshua M. Rosenblum. Joshua A. Rosenthal. Richard David Rosenthal. Philip M. Rosenzweig. Richard Ross. Daniel Rossetti. Norman Rossinow. Nicholas P. Rossomando. Michael Craig Rothberg. Donna Marie Rothenberg. Mark Rothenberg. James M. Roux. Nick Rowe. Edward V. Rowenhorst. Judy Rowlett. Timothy A. Roy. Paul G. Ruback. Ronald J. Ruben. Joanne Rubino. David Michael Ruddle. Bart Joseph Ruggiere. Susan Ann Ruggiero. Adam K. Ruhalter. Gilbert Ruiz. Robert E. Russell. Stephen P. Russell. Steven Harris Russin. Lt. Michael Thomas Russo. Wayne Alan Russo. William R. Ruth. Edward Ryan. John J. Ryan. Jonathan Stephan Ryan. Matthew Lancelot Ryan. Tatiana Ryjova. Christina Sunga Ryook.
Thierry Saada. Jason E. Sabbag. Thomas E. Sabella. Scott Saber. Charles E. Sabin. Joseph Sacerdote. Jessica Sachs. Francis J. Sadocha. Jude Elias Safi. Brock Joel Safronoff. Edward Saiya. John Patrick Salamone. Marjorie C. Salamone. Hernando R. Salas. Juan Salas. Esmerlin Salcedo. John Salvatore Salerno. Rahma Salie. Richard L. Salinardi. Wayne John Saloman. Nolbert Salomon. Catherine Patricia Salter. Frank Salvaterra. Paul R. Salvio. Samuel R. Salvo. Carlos Samaniego. Rena Sam-Dinnoo. John Sammartino. James Kenneth Samuel. Hugo Sanay-Perafiel. Alva Jeffries Sanchez. Erick Sanchez. Jacquelyn P. Sanchez. Jesus Sanchez. Eric Sand. Stacey Leigh Sanders. Herman Sandler. James Sands. Ayleen J. Santiago. Kirsten Santiago. Maria Theresa Santillan. Susan G. Santo. Christopher Santora. John Santore. Mario L. Santoro. Rafael Humberto Santos. Rufino Conrado F. (Roy) Santos. Capt. Victor Saracini. Kalyan K. Sarkar. Chapelle Sarker. Paul F. Sarle. Deepika Kumar Sattaluri. Gregory Thomas Saucedo. Susan Sauer. Anthony Savas. Vladimir Savinkin. John Sbarbaro. Lt. Col. David M. Scales. Robert L. Scandole. Michelle Scarpitta. Dennis Scauso. John A. Schardt. John G. Scharf. Fred Claude Scheffold. Angela Susan Scheinberg. Scott M. Schertzer. Sean Schielke. Steven Francis Schlag. Cmdr. Robert Allan Schlegel. Jon S. Schlissel. Karen Helene Schmidt. Ian Schneider. Thomas G. Schoales. Marisa Di Nardo Schorpp. Frank G. Schott. Gerard P. Schrang. Jeffrey Schreier. John T. Schroeder. Susan Lee Kennedy Schuler. Edward W. Schunk. Mark E. Schurmeier. Clarin Shellie Schwartz. John Schwartz. Mark Schwartz. Adriane Victoria Scibetta. Raphael Scorca. Janice Scott. Randolph Scott. Christopher J. Scudder. Arthur Warren Scullin. Michael Seaman. Margaret Seeliger. Anthony Segarra. Carlos Segarra. Jason Sekzer. Matthew Carmen Sellitto. Michael L. Selves. Howard Selwyn. Larry John Senko. Arturo Angelo Sereno. Frankie Serrano. Marian Serva. Alena Sesinova. Adele Sessa. Sita Nermalla Sewnarine. Karen Lynn Seymour-Dietrich. Davis (Deeg) Sezna. Thomas Joseph Sgroi. Jayesh Shah. Khalid M. Shahid. Mohammed Shajahan. Gary Shamay. Earl Richard Shanahan. Shiv Shankar. Cmdr. Dan Frederic Shanower. Neil G. Shastri. Kathryn Anne Shatzoff. Barbara A. Shaw. Jeffrey J. Shaw. Robert J. Shay. Daniel James Shea. Joseph Patrick Shea. Mary Kathleen Shearer. Robert Michael Shearer. Linda Sheehan. Hagay Shefi. Antoinette Sherman. John Anthony Sherry. Atsushi Shiratori. Thomas Shubert. Mark Shulman. See-Wong Shum. Allan Shwartzstein. Johanna Sigmund. Dianne T. Signer. Gregory Sikorsky. Stephen Gerard Siller. David Silver. Craig A. Silverstein. Nasima H. Simjee. Bruce Edward Simmons. Diane Simmons. Don Simmons. George Simmons. Arthur Simon. Kenneth Alan Simon. Michael John Simon. Paul Joseph Simon. Marianne Simone. Barry Simowitz. Jane Louise Simpkin. Jeff Simpson. Cheryle D. Sincock. Khamladai K. (Khami) Singh. Roshan R. (Sean) Singh. Thomas Sinton. Peter A. Siracuse. Muriel F. Siskopoulos. Joseph M. Sisolak. John P. Skala. Francis J. Skidmore. Toyena Corliss Skinner. Paul A. Skrzypek. Christopher Paul Slattery. Vincent R. Slavin. Robert Sliwak. Paul K. Sloan. Stanley S. Smagala. Wendy L. Small. Gregg Harold Smallwood. (Retired) Lt. Col. Gary F. Smith. Catherine T. Smith. Daniel Laurence Smith. George Eric Smith. Heather Lee Smith. James G. Smith. Jeffrey Randall Smith. Joyce Smith. Karl Trumbull Smith. Kevin Smith. Leon Smith. Moira Smith. Rosemary A. Smith. Sandra Fajardo Smith. Bonnie S. Smithwick. Rochelle Monique Snell. Christine Snyder. Dianne Snyder. Leonard J. Snyder. Astrid Elizabeth Sohan. Sushil Solanki. Ruben Solares. Naomi Leah Solomon. Daniel W. Song. Mari-Rae Sopper. Michael C. Sorresse. Fabian Soto. Timothy P. Soulas. Gregory T. Spagnoletti. Donald F. Spampinato. Thomas Sparacio. John Anthony Spataro. Robert W. Spear. Robert Speisman. Maynard S. Spence. George E. Spencer. Robert Andrew Spencer. Mary Rubina Sperando. Frank J. Spinelli. William E. Spitz. Joseph P. Spor. Klaus Johannes Sprockamp. Saranya Srinuan. Michael F. Stabile. Lawrence T. Stack. Capt. Timothy Stackpole. Richard James Stadelberger. Eric A. Stahlman. Gregory M. Stajk. Alexandru Liviu Stan. Corina Stan. Mary D. Stanley. Joyce Stanton. Patricia Stanton. Anthony M. Starita. Jeffrey Stark. Derek James Statkevicus. Patricia J. Statz. Craig William Staub. William V. Steckman. Eric Thomas Steen. William R. Steiner. Alexander Robbins Steinman. Edna L. Stephens. Andrew Stergiopoulos. Andrew Stern. Norma Lang Steuerle. Martha Jane Stevens. Michael James Stewart. Richard H. Stewart. Sanford M. Stoller. Douglas J. Stone. Lonny J. Stone. Jimmy Nevill Storey. Timothy Stout. Thomas S. Strada. James J. Straine. Edward W. Straub. George Strauch. Edward T. Strauss. Steven R. Strauss. Sgt. Maj. Larry Strickland. Steven F. Strobert. Walwyn W. Stuart. Benjamin Suarez. David S. Suarez. Ramon Suarez. Xavier Suarez. Yoichi Sugiyama. William Christopher Sugra. Daniel Suhr. David Marc Sullins. Lt. Christopher P. Sullivan. Patrick Sullivan. Thomas Sullivan. Hilario Soriano (Larry) Sumaya. James Joseph Suozzo. Colleen Supinski. Robert Sutcliffe. Selina Sutter. Claudia Suzette Sutton. John F. Swaine. Kristine M. Swearson. Brian D. Sweeney. Brian Edward Sweeney. Madeline Sweeney. Kenneth J. Swensen. Thomas F. Swift. Derek O. Sword. Kevin T. Szocik. Gina Sztejnberg. Norbert P. Szurkowski.
Harry Taback. Joann Tabeek. Norma C. Taddei. Michael Taddonio. Keiichiro Takahashi. Keiji Takahashi. Phyllis Gail Talbot. Robert R. Talhami. John Talignani. Sean Patrick Tallon. Paul Talty. Maurita Tam. Rachel Tamares. Hector Tamayo. Michael Andrew Tamuccio. Kenichiro Tanaka. Rhondelle Cherie Tankard. Michael Anthony Tanner. Dennis Gerard Taormina. Kenneth Joseph Tarantino. Allan Tarasiewicz. Michael C. Tarrou. Ronald Tartaro. Darryl Taylor. Donnie Brooks Taylor. Hilda E. Taylor. Leonard Taylor. Lorisa Ceylon Taylor. Maj. Kip P. Taylor. Michael M. Taylor. Sandra C. Taylor. Sandra Teague. Karl W. Teepe. Paul A. Tegtmeier. Yeshavant Moreshwar Tembe. Anthony Tempesta. Dorothy Temple. Stanley L. Temple. David Tengelin. Brian J. Terrenzi. Lisa Marie Terry. Goumatie T. Thackurdeen. Harshad Sham Thatte. Michael Theodoridis. Thomas F. Theurkauf. Lesley Anne Thomas. Brian T. Thompson. Capt. William Harry Thompson. Clive Thompson. Glenn Thompson. Nigel Bruce Thompson. Perry Anthony Thompson. Vanavah Alexi Thompson. Eric Raymond Thorpe. Nichola A. Thorpe. Sgt. Tamara Thurman. Sal Tieri. John Patrick Tierney. Mary Ellen Tiesi. William R. Tieste. Kenneth F. Tietjen. Stephen Edward Tighe. Scott C. Timmes. Michael E. Tinley. Jennifer M. Tino. Robert Frank Tipaldi. John J. Tipping. David Tirado. Hector Luis Tirado. Michelle Titolo. Alicia Nicole Titus. John J. Tobin. Richard J. Todisco. Lt. Cmdr. Otis Vincent Tolbert. Vladimir Tomasevic. Stephen K. Tompsett. Thomas Tong. Azucena de la Torre. Doris Torres. Luis Eduardo Torres. Amy E. Toyen. Christopher M. Traina. Daniel Patrick Trant. Abdoul Karim Traore. Glenn J. Travers. Walter (Wally) P. Travers. Felicia Traylor-Bass. James Trentini. Mary Trentini. Lisa L. Trerotola. Karamo Trerra. Michael Trinidad. Francis Joseph Trombino. Gregory J. Trost. Willie Q. Troy. William Tselepis. Zhanetta Tsoy. Michael Patrick Tucker. Lance Richard Tumulty. Ching Ping Tung. Simon James Turner. Donald Joseph Tuzio. Robert T. Twomey. Jennifer Tzemis.
John G. Ueltzhoeffer. Tyler V. Ugolyn. Michael A. Uliano. Jonathan J. Uman. Anil Shivhari Umarkar. Allen V. Upton. Diane Maria Urban.
John Damien Vaccacio. Bradley H. Vadas. William Valcarcel. Antonio Jesus Montoya Valdes. Mayra Valdes-Rodriguez. Felix Antonio Vale. Ivan Vale. Benito Valentin. Santos Valentin. Manuel Del Valle. Carlton Francis Valvo. Pendyala Vamsikrishna. Edward Raymond Vanacore. Jon C. Vandevander. Frederick T. Varacchi. Gopalakrishnan Varadhan. David Vargas. Scott C. Vasel. Azael Ismael Vasquez. Santos Vasquez. Lt. Cmdr. Ronald James Vauk. Arcangel Vazquez. Peter Anthony Vega. Sankara S. Velamuri. Jorge Velazquez. Lawrence Veling. Anthony M. Ventura. David Vera. Loretta A Vero. Christopher Vialonga. Matthew Gilbert Vianna. Robert A. Vicario. Celeste Torres Victoria. Joanna Vidal. John T. Vigiano. Joseph Vincent Vigiano. Frank J. Vignola. Joseph B. Vilardo. Sergio Villanueva. Chantal Vincelli. Melissa Vincent. Francine A. Virgilio. Lawrence Virgilio. Joseph G. Visciano. Joshua S. Vitale. Maria Percoco Vola. Lynette D. Vosges. Garo H. Voskerijian. Alfred Vukosa.
Gregory Wachtler. Lt. Col. Karen Wagner. Mary Wahlstrom. Honor Elizabeth Wainio. Gabriela Waisman. Wendy Alice Rosario Wakeford. Courtney Wainsworth Walcott. Victor Wald. Kenneth Waldie. Benjamin Walker. Glen J. Wall. Lt. Robert F. Wallace. Mitchel Scott Wallace. Peter G. Wallace. Roy Michael Wallace. Jean Marie Wallendorf. Matthew Blake Wallens. Meta L. Waller. John Wallice. Barbara P. Walsh. James Walsh. Jeffrey Patrick Walz. Ching H. Wang. Weibin Wang. Lt. Michael Warchola. Stephen Gordon Ward. Timothy Ward. James A. Waring. Brian G. Warner. Derrick Washington. Capt. Patrick J. Waters. Charles Waters. James Thomas (Muddy) Waters. Kenneth Watson. Michael H. Waye. Todd C. Weaver. Walter E. Weaver. Nathaniel Webb. Dinah Webster. William M. Weems. Joanne Flora Weil. Michael Weinberg. Steven Weinberg. Scott Jeffrey Weingard. Steven Weinstein. Simon Weiser. David M. Weiss. David T. Weiss. Vincent Michael Wells. Deborah Welsh. Timothy Matthew Welty. Christian Hans Rudolf Wemmers. Ssu-Hui (Vanessa) Wen. John Wenckus. Oleh D. Wengerchuk. Peter M. West. Whitfield West. Meredith Lynn Whalen. Eugene Whelan. Adam S. White. Edward James White. James Patrick White. John S. White. Kenneth W. White. Leonard Anthony White. Malissa White. Olga Kristin Gould White. Sandra L. White. Staff Sgt. Maudlyn A. White. Wayne White. Leanne Marie Whiteside. Mark Whitford. Leslie A. Whittington. Michael T. Wholey. Mary Lenz Wieman. Jeffrey David Wiener. William J. Wik. Alison Marie Wildman. Lt. Glenn Wilkinson. Ernest M. Willcher. John C. Willett. Brian Patrick Williams. Candace Lee Williams. Crossley Williams. David Williams. Deborah Lynn Williams. Kevin Michael Williams. Louie Anthony Williams. Louis Calvin Williams. Lt. Cmdr. David Lucian Williams. Maj. Dwayne Williams. Lt. John Williamson. Cynthia Wilson. Donna Wilson. William E. Wilson. David H. Winton. Glenn J. Winuk. Thomas Francis Wise. Alan L. Wisniewski. Frank T. Wisniewski. David Wiswall. Sigrid Charlotte Wiswe. Michael R. Wittenstein. Christopher W. Wodenshek. Martin P. Wohlforth. Katherine S. Wolf. Jennifer Y. Wong. Jenny Seu Kueng Low Wong. Siu Cheung Wong. Yin Ping (Steven) Wong. Yuk Ping Wong. Brent James Woodall. James J. Woods. Marvin R. Woods. Patrick Woods. Richard Herron Woodwell. Capt. David Terence Wooley. John Bentley Works. Martin Michael Wortley. Rodney James Wotton. William Wren. John Wright. Neil R. Wright. Sandra Wright.
Jupiter Yambem. John D. Yamnicky. Suresh Yanamadala. Vicki Yancey. Shuyin Yang. Matthew David Yarnell. Myrna Yaskulka. Shakila Yasmin. Olabisi L. Yee. Kevin Wayne Yokum. Edward P. York. Kevin Patrick York. Raymond York. Suzanne Youmans. Barrington L. Young. Donald McArthur Young. Edmond Young. Jacqueline (Jakki) Young. Lisa L. Young. Elkin Yuen.
Joseph Zaccoli. Adel Agayby Zakhary. Arkady Zaltsman. Edwin J. Zambrana. Robert Alan Zampieri. Mark Zangrilli. Christopher Zarba. Ira Zaslow. Kenneth Albert Zelman. Abraham J. Zelmanowitz. Martin Morales Zempoaltecatl. Zhe (Zack) Zeng. Marc Scott Zeplin. Jie Yao Justin Zhao. Yuguag Zheng. Ivelin Ziminski. Michael Joseph Zinzi. Charles A. Zion. Julie Lynne Zipper. Salvatore J. Zisa. Prokopios Paul Zois. Joseph J. Zuccala. Andrew Steven Zucker. Igor Zukelman.

This list puts it in perspective of how horrific the loss.

We will always remember....................

13 Things about me

2008-09-04T18:09:00.000-05:00

I have been tagged and am forced to share 13 things about me that I haven't mentioned before.

Rather creative but don't often share that with people. I entered a poetry contest for kicks about 15 years ago and came in the top ten in the United States. (still have the award certificate in the bottom of my junk drawer)
Have been gifted with the ability to talk. I can talk to anyone with ease about any subject. This drives my husband crazy at times because when we are out he will be ready to go and I will be just chatting away. Funny how I have this ability but yet rather be in intimate setting with few people than crowds.
My favorite food group is fruit. ( that one just came to me since I am sitting here eating grapes)
I am a shoe whore and don't want to change.
I am spiritual,read the bible,pray,will go to all different church services, BUT will not declare myself one certain religion.
The seasons in the order of my favorite first is summer, then fall,then spring, and unfortunately winter.
Sort my M&M's by color and eat them in order.
Talk in my sleep and will answer honestly if asked questions while I am asleep.
Can comfortably spend hours on the beach enjoying the picture perfect scene and the wonderful sounds of the water and the feel of the sand covering my feet.
I can smoke a cigar with the big boys and not turn green.
Was a secret wild child in my younger years but hid that information from family.
I love to swim naked. (Hence occasionally my 88 year old neighbor has gotten a show I bet)
I am a hopeless romantic.

So there you go more useless information you didn't know you needed to know.

Well..........

2008-09-01T15:42:00.000-05:00

Well,well,well. Look what the dog dragged in...........ME.

Life has been very challenging lately so I had to step away from the computer for a while but I am back now with a plan. How come everybody rolls their eyes when I say I have a plan? Don't worry this plan only has me doing the work. The reason I am at the point of needing a plan is because I have taken so many of the facets of what makes me - me and buried them under this chaos of anxiety, fear, frustration, hurt and confusion. I am ready to finally say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! I am what some might call anal but I would call it organized. I organize everything including how my life should go. When things out of my control changed the organizational plan I had set in my head for my life I felt like I lost my edge and then from there I began a spiral down hill. Yes, I can admit I am a control freak but not in a bad way. lol. Is that possible?
Recently I began to really notice how unhappy (negative) I am about myself and my life. I have always held myself to unobtainable expectations but now I am punishing myself for not meeting them. I don't hold others to such a expectation (but in all honesty I do hold people to a certain standard - which is doing their very best without excuses. Poor me pity parties don't go over well with me) So, my plan is rather simple and it is something I use to do and should have been doing double when things started to spiral down.

Here is the steps of my plan:

Start meditating again. (this goes hand in hand with praying) I have found that meditating/praying makes me feel so much better. This is one of the things I stopped doing because I thought that God held me to the same unobtainable expectation I held myself to. It's like I forgot he knows we aren't perfect and that is OK. I figured since I couldn't be the perfect person that I should be then I shouldn't bother asking God for assistance/love/forgiveness/guidance/help. He didn't turn his back on me - I turned my back on him. :(
Taking time to absorb the cleaning and healing power that nature offers. NO, I am not talking new age! I am talking about the peaceful warm feeling you get after spending time walking along the beach or walking along a path in the woods.
Stop being so mean and hard on myself for imperfections. In order to do this every time I am faced with a life imperfection I am going to look at myself in the third person. You know judge myself as if someone else. Stop being so tough on myself. This is not going to be easy but I am really going to try to live outside the lines I have created. Thank goodness I have a husband that knows how to do this very well so he can help me.
Control the negative thoughts and words I speak. Everybody needs to rant, which I plan on doing, but I am not going to keep on bringing it up. I am going to get it off my chest and then move on. No, going over and over and over it.
Stop all negative gossip and talk about anyone. Negative breeds negative and the work environment I am it is horrible. I am going to just remove myself from any of those situations as much as possible.
Laugh more. Enjoy the quirks instead of making them a crisis. Lighten up! We only get one life so I am going to learn to enjoy it!

So, this is my plan and I am sticking to it. Can you think of anything else I need to add to this list? I am always open to listening to ideas.

PS - I will have to write in my next post about the new job I am thinking about going for.

PSS - In no way am I referring to letting up on the comments about politics!!! How could anyone really talk about Obama and not have a negative comment!!!

You don't use a knife silly...........

2008-08-16T18:44:00.000-05:00

I bought fresh green beans and little red potatoes at the farmers stand for dinner this evening. This will accent the roast that has been cooking in the slow cooker all day. Since the hubby was going from the porch back into the house to fill his coffee cup I asked him if he could please bring back the beans and a bowl so I could get them ready for dinner. He brings the beans, a bowl, and a knife. I asked what the knife was for and he tells me for cutting the beans. I just smiled really sassy at him and kept my comment "your such a Yankee" to myself. I was brought up the tradition southern style which meant I spend many a summers not only picking bushel baskets of green beans but I had to sit and snap bushels of them. And I won't even begin to talk about all of the canning I was forced to assist with. Funny how at the time I was so miserable and mad about spending summers in the garden and now those memories are my very favorite. Well not the memories of picking grapes for jelly. The spiders in those grape vines were the biggest, furriest, scariest creatures to me and I still have nightmares about them. Maybe that is when I developed such a fear of bugs. Guess that is one for Dr. Phil to figure out.
Anyway today the weather was wonderful, I got the pool cleaned, organized the pantry,I made a fantastic dinner (wish hubby would have acknowledged) and know I am relaxing with a glass of wine and writing this posting while I wait for my bubble bath to cool down. I got side tracked and ran the water way to hot. I bet I could poach a egg in it it's so hot. So, my plan for the evening is a rather hot bath, another glass of wine, and reading a few chapters in this amazing book I picked up at a thrift store. (gotta love $.79 per book) The book so far is about this young couple in love that are separated by family circumstances , after time marry someone else, and then by accident run into each other at the market. I am up to the chapter were they have secretly met and.................... I can't tell you anymore or I might ruin the story for you. I will say it is sooo good so far and I want a man that longs for me that way!!!

Ouch that comment still stings..........

2008-08-12T18:27:00.000-05:00

The comment that is still stinging is " It's time to put your big girl panties on and get over it." Yep, I have some tough chicks in my circle of life. And for the record I was wearing panties!! (thought I better interject that before some goof comments about it) Alright let me back up and give you the history of why that comment was made. Saturday I got a call from the girls asking if there was anyway I could throw on my swim suit ,grab a bottle of wine and meet over at Judy's pool. Tough choice - stay home to cook hubby dinner and clean house OR go meet the girls for a meeting of the opinions in the pool with wine. You guessed it - I was at Judy's pool within the hour. One of the girls in our posse was in town from California for a surprise visit. She needed girl time to get over a " need space" comment that she made to the guy she was seeing. Apparently he wasn't to keen on the comment and needless to say she is single again. Not to worry cause he was a putts. Of course with the wine flowing and that many women together our conversation went from family,friends, politics, careers to MEN. The men discussion was humorous at first because we were talking about the putts in California but then we began to discuss each others significant man and that's when the comment got made. We were each saying the good about the man in our life and then their short coming. The good, the bad, and the ugly. When I said that the bad about my husband was he isn't affectionate enough and doesn't compliment me and the reminder about his major screw up last year I was told " put your big girl panties on and get over it." The girls all agreed that my husband has many good qualities and he is doing what is needed to correct his screw up last year. They did make some valid points like - he puts no expectations on me (hence not required to cook or clean if I don't want), he is easy going about me starting projects that he ends up having to finish, he has no problem with my last minute get together and volunteering him to cook, he is not jealous of my relationships with other people and doesn't feel neglected, and he definitely spoils me with killing bugs when I scream, cleaning the kitty box and hairballs cause I have a weak tummy and bandaging any wound cause I don't handle blood. I was also reminded that no one person can meet all of our needs. I then said does that mean we can have one on the side to meet the needs the other doesn't and after they stopped laughing they splashed me. Judy says " good Lord I don't want the one I have and you want two?" Funny how spending the afternoon with the girls has me really taking a more realistic look at my expectations. This has me wondering - do we have to sell ourselves short in some areas to gain in other areas? How do we figure out what is a "deal breaker" and what we can get by with? How do we get our needs meet that the our mates are not able to meet? Am I just settling or am I just wanting it all?

Root Beer Floats....

2008-08-06T20:37:00.000-05:00

Why has it taken me so long to realize that Root Beer Floats are a wonderful dinner on a warm summer evening? It has been forever since I had a float and probably wouldn't have thought of it on my own but my husband bought root beer a week or so ago. It was wonderful! I recommend you have one soon.........

Low tolerance........

2008-08-05T19:13:00.000-05:00

I have been in a mood lately where I have low tolerance of putting up with peoples sh@#. Hell have no fury when I am in this mood.
First example - I am next in line to check out as soon as the guy ahead of me is done. Please note he smells like he is wearing as much beer as he drank yesterday. Anyway he is badgering the check out clerk and it wasn't in fun. He was being rude and accusing her of not ringing out his merchandise correctly. He just kept up being a jerk and I could tell he had upset the clerk and really had her rattled. So when she finished with his order and he was walking down the lane to collect his bags to leave I made it a point to say loud enough for him to hear " I am sorry that some people feel it is necessary to be such jerks for no good reason." You see I have low tolerance of jerks.
Second example - While walking through the parking lot approaching the store entrance I see a old frail woman trying to get the door open so she can go inside. I then see two young healthy self absorbed people walk right around the old lady and use another door so they didn't have to wait or help her. WTF is wrong with people. I jogged up to the door so I could help her. She smiled and thanked me and I told her no problem cause the door is really hard to open. Again low tolerance for mean people.
Third example - Obama. He has changed his mind more times than anyone can keep up with. The man is so wishy washy that it is down right scary. I wonder if he even knows what he truly believes in or does he just go with how the wind is blowing. I again have low tolerance for someone that wants to be the president of the United States but has the audacity to believe we aren't going to notice his vague answers and meaningless opinions that he is changing daily. God have mercy on us!
So now you get the idea of what I am talking about when I say I am having issues with low tolerance. I will be going on vacation the week of the 18Th so during that time I promise to take time to get back in the happy place and stop this ranting. I so need to write a fun posting soon.
Got any ideas?

Monday blues...........

2008-07-21T17:35:00.000-05:00

I deserve to have the Monday blues.
Besides going into work at 6:30AM, I broke a filling out of my back tooth and had to go sit in the dentist chair. Of course while at the dentist he also saw another tooth that was missing part of a filling so he drilled BOTH of them. For those of you who are not aware I am extremely phobic of the dentist and will go to great lengths to avoid going. I took two anti-anxiety pills just to get there today since I knew drilling was going to be involved. Don't laugh at me cause I really am a freak about going! I can not even tell you how many appointments I have ditched out on and had to pay for because I didn't cancel in time. The dentist I use to see had a plan all worked out with me. When I got there I was immediately taken back (can't be trusted in waiting room cause I have bolted) and begin giving me happy gas. I don't care how much extra it cost it was the only way to get me to open up my mouth. Do to old age this dentist retired and left me high and dry. Well he did bring in a new dentist but him and I had a instant disliking to each other. I believe it was when he told me to be patient as he worked since was being patient with me. Patient hell! I was paying him! You can guess I didn't go back to him. The place I go to now is alright I guess except for the smell and the noises of the drill, and whole putting their hands in my mouth part. I better stop with this subject or I am going to need to call for another pill. lol
So I think between the 10hours at work and the dentist appointment I am justified in having the Monday blues. What am I saying I don't have to justify it cause it just will be..................

What is that smell?

2008-07-16T20:23:00.000-05:00

What is that smell?
That smell is SKUNK. Ah yes, at 5:30AM my bad boy puppy stuck his head in a moving bush and got his face sprayed. Now to make this story worse my bad boy husband who must have had his common sense melted by the smell lets the dog in the house and of course the puppy jumps right into my lap. WTF is the only phrase that fit the moment. When I stopped gagging, I stripped off my clothes, and got online to find out what to do. The first remedy called for tomato juice which of course I didn't have because why would I have it when I need it. The next remedy I found I had all the ingredients so away I went making it. So just to give you a visual there is my husband who is stripped down to his briefs, me stripped down to my panties and the dog all standing to the tub together. After we coated him with the paste I made we had to keep him from doing the doggy shake for 5 minutes before we could start rinsing him off and then shampooing him two more times. I believe that the smell may be burned into my naval cavity because I have been smelling it all day. Can you believe that after all that I still made it to work by 7:30am. I know my Jeep can't go the speed of light but I believe my guardian angel helped me safely fly there. Yes, I stopped at the store on my way home and purchased two bottles of tomato juice. Yes, my little puppy still smells but not as bad but just bad enough that the cat keeps stalking him. Can anyone beat that for a crazy Wednesday morning?

PS - Just a FYI if your puppy is white and gets sprayed by a skunk you can at least see it some because its kind of yellowish. Did you know skunk spray is yellowish cause you do now?

Exposing myself on a list again..........

2008-07-13T08:59:00.000-05:00

Alright I am a type A personality so I love,love,love list. Any kind of list too. I feel so much more in control of me when I have a list. At any given time I will have 4 or 5 list going. I will have a typical grocery list, errands to run list, to do projects for the house, titles of books I want to look for at the used book store, list of projects to do when I can afford, list of schedule/calendar of the week. I will also make the good and bad of a issue to help me solve which route I am going to take and what the possible consequences are going to be. Yes, I may be a girl but I don't like making decisions in a emotional haste like others. Anyway............... What I have decided to do is make one of my famous list (which you should feel honored or maybe cursed to read. ha-ha) of what is spinning around in my head causing this disconnect and numb state. I know that many will read this and believe that these are trivial little issues or not worth worrying about issues or even issues that are so cut and dry they shouldn't be on my list BUT it is not any of those for me. And please let me point out that I do make what I am grateful for list as well. I am not sure why I am choosing to write my list as a post except that I have began to use this blog as a type of journal.
Oh by the way when making list regarding my personal stuff I tend to make a negative and positive and then a dream list to compare.

Negative:

Feel very trapped in a job that I don't really like in the corporate cut throat world. (Little side bar history - I only took this position in the finance department to get my foot in the door five years ago. My degree and creativeness is in marketing)
Even though I need this job (pays the mortgage,medical benefits for hubby and me) it appears by the project I am on they are working on a computer program to replace me. (This scares me because historically when this company down sizes and eliminate people there is no warning and my bank account is not prepared for that)
Husband still has two months of probation with this new company before he can be hired on permanently. That is assuming that this car company can hang on since others aren't.
Money - the root of all evil around here! We are still cleaning up the mess that my husband created last year that I have spoke about in prior post. We still can not seem to get ahead to pay this debt down. I consolidated and moved all hidden debt he created over to one credit card that I negotiated a 1.99% interest rate with. We have until January 09 to get that paid down before I have to try and move it another lower rate card. Not sure if I can get that great of a rate again since I am sure our credit record is not so good since he was quietly not paying the bills. Long story but YES I learned my lesson about keeping involved with the home finances.
Both of our cars our older and guzzle fuel but we are not a situation to trade them in. Plus I drive a Jeep because of the winter weather that I commute in. I hydroplaned on black ice a few years back and ended up taking out two trees before sliding into the ditch so I like the safety of a SUV for my commute.
My house needs a new roof and I don't know if it will make it another year. It is two story so that cost more and to make matters worse it is going to need a complete removal because it has three layers. Let's just say the last estimate came to the tune of $11,000.00 and that was at the beginning of the season before the gas prices went off the charts. I know what you are thinking just sell the house and then you won't need to buy a roof and you could pay off your debt BUT in order to sell it we would need to get the roof done so it would pass inspection and I won't even mention the eletrictrial that would need to be addressed. This is charming 1926 red brick home with wonderful character but a whole lot of expense issues that need to be fixed. When we bought this house 11 years ago the building inspector did warn us about a new roof in a year or two so waiting 9 years has really pushed our luck. Ah yes young and dumb and this was our first home.
Me - still haven't gotten on a strict diet and I gained 7 pounds more since I quit smoking in January. (Yes, I still miss smoking daily!!) I need to get back on schedule of walking my little bad boy by the marina. That helps him and me. I need to start cutting back on my outside commitments and focus on me more in a positive way. Need to address - weight, lack of exercise, lack of meditating/praying, lack of doing fun activities,
Husband - still lack of intimacy, still lack of expressing verbally emotions, lack of compliments or positive words of encouragement, still lacks of seeing the big picture of debt and paying them off, still lack of permanent employment (he is really trying on this one), still lack of quitting smoking, still lack of getting on healthy routine.

Positive

I have a job where I make enough money to pay mortgage. I do have a complete benefit package. If I do end up losing my job to a computer program I will get at least a months worth of salary and I can file for unemployment so I won't lose the house.
At least we have vehicles that are running even though they are older. My Jeep is bigger so I feel safer in it. Both cars are paid for so there we don't have car payments!! Yippee, one less bill!
House - I am within owning it outright in less than 10 years. I love the character of a older home with the open concept and the natural woodwork. It is brick so the outside maintenance is minimal. I love the sitting area on the front porch where I can read and watch the world go by.
Money- not much of it but the household bills are current. We have learned how to make do with what we have and not buy just to buy. We don't eat out often (maybe twice a month), we don't stop for beverages like coffee,soda,or water instead we take one with us from home (just a side note that grabbing a beverage while you are out is going to have a 100% mark up over bringing it from home) We have learned we don't need to go out to festivals, fairs, and concerts to enjoy the summer because we can enjoy the summer in the backyard in the pool and cooking out and inviting friends over to sit around the fire pit laughing about life.
Me - I am still smoke free since January 3rd of this year. I may have weight to lose but I still take care of fixing myself up nicely. I have natural blond hair which isn't as common as men would like to believe. I am caring,passionate,tenderhearted, and not afraid to say what is on my mind (well that is not always a positive I guess) I am tough so I am not afraid of hard work or scary people. I tan nicely and have a good one going since I sit outside and read a lot. I always,always have a book with me. I will read just about any type of book with the exception of those paperback romance stories that sell for 50 cents at the used book store.
Husband - first person I will run to when the world has beaten me up. He always makes be feel safe when I am afraid.( and no he is no Popeye in his 31X31 jeans, and medium flannel shirt but for some reason I just know he could slay a dragon for me). He does over half of work at keeping the house maintained (please note I am not taking about deep cleaning because he has selective eyesight and does not see dust or floors that need be vacuumed, and he thinks that a closet is clean as long as nothing falls out when you open it.) He is a wonderful cook and cleans up his mess as he goes along. He brings humor to my life and has shown me how to have fun.

I am tired of the corporate politics and the backstabbing and the living in a cube for up ten hours a day. I am tired of worrying about the finances and the responsibilities of this household. I am just tired of being answer person for so many. I am tired of feeling emotional neglected and sexually neglected. I am tired of living in the city and watching neighborhoods slowly be destroyed by the negative influence of corruption.

Dreamworld:

Leave the corporate world and work from home doing part time freelance marketing or writing or work for Hallmark making greeting cards on my computer. Any would be fine as long as it is part time because the rest of the time I want to maintain my home in the country. I want to hang clothes on a clothes line, I want to have garden to grow all my own fresh veggies in, I want a apple tree so I can make fresh pies, I want some berry bushes so I can make cobblers, I want my husband to be honest, openly verbal with his love, passionate, enjoy a wife that would like to take care of him, and of course he will need to have a secure job making enough money so I don't have to worry about finances. I really just want a simpler life where I don't have to carry the burdens of it all. It doesn't have to be a huge farm house with a lot of acres nor does it have to be fancy full of purchases from Crate and Barrel (a nice set of dishes and pots/pans would be good) it just needs to a place we can call home. ( I really would like a fireplace though) :)

So, now that I have listed out the good, the bad, and the fairytale I need to find a way to be comfortable where I am and find peace with me and figure out what can I live with and what can I not live with so I don't have to be comfortably numb..........................

What is the right answer?

2008-07-10T18:00:00.000-05:00

How do you feel?
That is the question.
I was listening to the radio when the chorus of a song came on and "how do you feel" was what they were singing. I realized after hearing that I am not sure what I feel. But writing for me is a way of making sense of what is spinning around it my head. When I write I feel some control over things, however illusory that is.
In the physical sense I am alright besides two mosquito bites that are driving me insane, a cut on my foot that is slowly healing, and heavy eyelids (I am very sleepy).
In the mental sense I don't exactly know how I feel. I sit quietly alone in my mind attempting to figure out how I feel. Have I stayed comfortably numb for so long that I don't recognize my own emotions? Would it sound horrible if I said I am often afraid of not staying numb? And would it be terrible to admit I hate what I have become?
Where do I begin to fix me?

Is it to early?

2008-07-05T18:02:00.000-05:00

No, really is it to early to go to bed on a Saturday night at 7? I am really sleepy,our 4th of July party was great and the fireworks were fabulous and the weather perfect but I stayed up way to late and got up to early. Thanks to neighbors and their lack of common sense they continued setting off fireworks till at 2am so I was awake till early this morning. Yes, this is the same neighbors who have been testing their fireworks for over a week each evening after 10 and yes the same neighbors that will continue to set off fireworks for at least another week. ggrrrrr (my dog has taught me to growl now) Oh, speaking of my dog (his name is Romeo) I got to tell you a funny story about him before I go to rest my eyes. Yesterday at the party my little man Romeo was making the rounds sporting his new flag bandanna being all cute and doing tricks for everyone and I am sure getting plenty of treats. Anyway he partied like a rock star with us all evening long not missing a second of the action. In fact he didn't go to bed till I did last night. So this morning as I go to pet him I see he has a ketchup spot stuck to the side of his head and something sticky on his back(I think it was fruit pizza) and his little belly was just bulging. After he went out to do his morning business he walks about ten feet and just lays down. The dude was to tired to even walk back in the house. He refused to get up and come in so I looked both ways to ensure my neighbors weren't wandering around and I slipped outside in my not appropriate pj's to pick him up. Talk about dead weight! He sure felt like he weighed a lot more than his normal 21 pounds. My boy has a picnic hangover!! Oh, sure he got his bath today and went for a short ride to the pool chemical store with the hubby but other than that he has been just laying around nursing his hangover. He is so bad he didn't even get up and chase the squirrel that tortures him daily. Ah yes he is proof you can have a hangover without evening drinking. So judging the party by the great time Romeo had I would say the party was a success! I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful time this independence day.

Hope you have a happy 4th

2008-07-03T19:14:00.000-05:00

I really don't have time for my usual blah blah but I just wanted to take a moment and wish everyone a safe and Happy 4th of July!
I am having my usual huge cookout party. We start in the afternoon and go well into the night. Over this last week people that will be coming to this party drop off their bikes in my garage so on the 4th after we cookout, play in pool,and bathe in OFF, we all hop on our bikes and ride down to the fireworks. It is so much easier biking than fighting with the traffic. Once the show is over we ride back here and sit around the fire pit and eat dessert while the traffic around the city calms down. The timing works out great so none of my guest are trapped in traffic.
No late night net surfing for me tonight or I won't get my TO DO list completed. I already have the potato salad completed and the brownies are in the oven and I will start the homemade salsa next. Oh my goodness the brownies are making the whole house smell wonderful and I believe I am going to have to taste test one as soon as they get cool enough to not burn the roof of my mouth. So this years dessert is a brownie served with homemade ice cream and homemade Carmel sauce. (yes I said homemade) Now before you going thinking I am some kind of super hero that can pull all of this together without a problem and still work the nine hours I did today please note that I have been mastering this event for many years now and I have a wonderful husband who has run to the grocery store twice for me, plus I am a type A personality so I have list everywhere. lol
Hey there goes the oven timer so back to the kitchen I go..........
I hope you enjoy the holiday weekend.
Happy 4th of July!!

polticial rant.....

2008-07-01T18:28:00.000-05:00

I really don't voice my political views often but today I am going to have to rant for a second. First of all it is very sad to me that out of all the people in the United States we end up these two yahoos as our candidates. And let me also state that I am not one bit impressed when one candidate finds it necessary to bash the other just to make themselves look better. If you can't stand on your own merit without bashing the other there is a problem. Now I am not saying that stating negative facts about each other is completely wrong because by doing this it causes us to investigate into them further I am talking about the true personal bashing. So, to make a long story short (I know a little to late) I found the following in a article and thought it was a rather good come back.

McCain himself said, "If that's the kind of campaign Sen. Obama and his surrogates and supporters want to engage in, I understand that. But it doesn't reduce the price of gas by one penny. It doesn't achieve our energy independence or make it come any closer. Doesn't make any American stay in their home who's at risk of losing it today. And it certainly doesn't do anything to address the challenges Americans have in keeping their jobs, homes and supporting their families."

Not many comments have been made by either that I would bother posting but this one at least is on the track I would like the candidates to stick too.

Hhhhmmmm 100 goals.........

2008-07-01T17:23:00.000-05:00

The guy Ian that I wrote about last has sold his life and now is on to a new adventure. He is putting together this site called a 100 goals in a 100 weeks that he wants to do. Interesting that I would have put a couple of the same goals on mine. Anyway I thought it would be fun to list a few goals I would want if I had the freedom that he has and the funds.

Would love to go down and see the Titanic. (I might have a bit of a issue in the small vessel going down but once we are there all will be good)
Scuba diver in the top 5 locations. (including Christ of the deep)
See the Northern Lights
Skydive (would probably need to be pushed out of the plane) Maybe para sailing would be a better idea.
Go visit the following - Italy, Australia, Sweden, France,Belize,Israel, oh and stop off in Paris on my way back just so I can say I was there. :)
Definitely go stay at one of those elite vacation spots on the tropical islands that the stars go to so they can get away. The ones where the large spa bathtub is overlooking the sunset.
Get the funding to open a large farm home that autistic adults can live in and work on so they don't have to go to overcrowded group homes that are in the city where they get lost in the system and sometimes just forgotten.
Also want to fund raise for enough funds to open another large farm home where people can go to stay and feel safe as they are going through the journey of dealing with abuse. A place where it is like a sanctuary for them to bear their pain, express their emotions, stay to rest and deal and heal.
Want to volunteer to go with the Red Cross throughout the United States. in times of crisis.
Volunteer work at a no kill animal sanctuary.
Get on a completely healthy eating plan, lose weight,get a totally tone body.
Leave the corporate world of work, sell my home in the city, and move to rural area and live a simple life once I get done with the goals above.

That is enough goals for now. What would your goals be if you had the money and no responsibilities? I would love for you to share .................

2008-06-23T17:51:00.000-05:00

I read this story yesterday about a guy named Ian and I haven't been able to get it off my mind since! For those of you who haven't heard the about this rather interesting story let me give the highlights.
~Ian found woman of his dreams and they married
~They buy a gorgeous house and fill it with love and memories and many beautiful things.
~They buy toys like motorcycle, jet ski, cars.
~Suddenly wife leaves and now Ian is lost even in his own world
Ian now no longer wants to live in the dream that him and his wife built together. He doesn't want to live in the shadow of what could have been.So, now this is where it takes a interesting turn. Ian decided to sell his life on E-Bay!!! That's right he is selling everything in one large lot and he is going to walk away with the clothes on his back, his wallet, and passport. Please note he is not selling his ID only his life. He even convinced the company he works for to give the person who buys his life a chance at his job. Wow, this is just amazing to me! I have thought and even said I would love to just walk away and start over somewhere else BUT to really do it! I imagine there are many people out there saying he has gone off the deep end and some people are going to say you can't run away from yourself so a geographical change isn't going to fix it BUT I don't think that is the case here. I believe he really does just want a clean break to start completely over. It's like he is getting rid of all of the material things so that he can truly figure out who he is. The man has got some guts to really do this. Many talk about just driving off into the sunset but how many really do it. How many people would truly leave their comfort zone and really walk outside their box. Heck most people have issues just taking a different route on the road when there is road construction. I hope he keeps up his blog so I can continue to follow his life. Yes, he did include his computer in the sale so it might take him a while to give updates. Maybe the reason I can't get this story off my mind is as much as I would love to say I could do that I couldn't. It is one thing to talk the talk but he is walking the walk. I wonder if he has any idea how attractive this makes him to women like me. I am smitten with a man so brave of facing the unknown head on without questioning what is outside the box. And of course he is doing it the smart way - with money! Could you or would you do what he has done? I would love to hear your honest opinions...............

Shhhh I am peeking at mens sites........

2008-06-21T14:28:00.000-05:00

I am still thinking about the very interesting bit of the information I learned on the site called askmen.com. I have added them to my good reads list cause I am thinking I could learn some really important stuff and some really good stuff from the site. I won't give away all their fun but I will tell you I learned a few new grilling recipes and I learned a few new sex positions that I want to try to see if even possible, and I learned men have as many dumb surveys as us girls. Oh, and while I am plugging sites the "Asylum" is another good one for getting inside info on men. It is kind of entertaining to peek into the world of men sites.

Can you help me understand.............

2008-06-21T11:39:00.000-05:00

I just don't understand why a woman would tolerate being berated and belittled in public by the man she is with and not stand up for herself today. ( I do understand the mental abuse that rips her self esteem apart but I still get angry)
Wait let me back up and give you the story here.......
Yesterday I was forced to throw my very organized schedule for the day out the window by 1:30 which was fine except that meant some rearranging that ended me up at the store rather late on a Friday evening. I was walking along pushing the cart reminiscing about my day in my head when I this asshole (sorry but that's what he was) talking loudly to the girl he was with got my attention. Let me give you a bit of a visual - me in jean shorts, white t-shirt, flip flops OH WAIT I meant a visual of the couple! The couple was in the forty range, the woman was average weight and height with gorgeous curly long brown hair (the cute messy look) and the asshole was about 5'10" and thin (not fit thin with muscles just thin like a stick). If you were to see them at a distance where you couldn't hear him or see the haunting look in her eyes you would like they were the average everyday couple just shopping together. Now that you have the picture let me get back to the story. Like I said I was snapped out of my daydreaming by the tone and the words his jerk spewed at this woman. I heard him say:
"I don't know why we are even here buying this shit it's not like you can cook. I should have traded you in a long time ago cause now even the junkyard won't want you."
At this point she just looks down (avoiding eye contact with me) and pushes on with the cart. So as we pass each other going the opposite direction down the aisle I so wanted to trip this jerk as he walked by giving me a rather perverted glare. By the time I was at the opposite end of the aisle I was steaming hot with the of nasty visual of him glaring at me. ( in case you don't know my history I am a survivor of childhood abuse so I am very aware of abusive men) Now any of you that know me know the last thing I was going to do is let this pond scum have the last word with me or glare for that matter. Honestly if he hadn't given me that look I would have not said a word except to pray for the woman when I went to bed. ANYWAY, I could have avoided them the rest of my time shopping but I was not going to back down or change my path of shopping just because of him. I ended up right across from the lovely couple in the meat department where they were on one side of the display and I was on the other side. She was reaching for in the display for something at the same time I was reaching in from the other side to get breakfast sausage when the creep says "why don't you ever get do smart things like buy breakfast sausage like she is to cook. " YEP that was the opening I was waiting for!!! I looked up right at her and I said if you are looking for something smart to do Leaving him should be top on of the list!!! I know I shouldn't have said it but really I just had no control of what my mouth was saying. (it felt really good saying it too) The asshole immediately calls me a bitch (softer than the tone he had earlier) as I walk away. So, now here is the part I need help understanding. As I cruise past the frozen foods aisle headed toward the check out I see him sulking next to their cart and I hear her say "HONEY what favor ice cream you want?" Good God woman why would you call a creature like him Honey??? A rather cute woman that appears to be middle class (no ring on her ring) accepting this behavior is just sad.
Speaking of behavior - when I got home and told my husband this story he first was upset because he is very protective of me and then he smiles and says that guy really thought you were going to cook those breakfast sausages.............

I can't believe I am admitting to this.........

2008-06-20T15:59:00.000-05:00

As promised some rather funny blurbs from my ever challenging life just lately.........

~ As noted earlier I did take my niece to the farm last weekend. I learned that it doesn't matter if the barn doors and windows are open it smells really bad in the cow barn.

~ Another valuable lesson from the farm experience you should always and I mean always stay at least five feet from the ass of a cow cause when they let go it splatters every direction!

~ Did you know the stuffing from a small Ernie doll can cover the floor of a TV room if a puppy takes it out carefully. (wonder why he spared Bert)

~ I learned that if you have something stuck to the bottom of our foot do not rub it against the top of your other foot. WTF was I thinking??

~Strangers can be nice people! Alright before you starting thinking the worst let me explain. While driving down the highway to work (jamming to my Nickelback CD) when I saw a bug walking across my dashboard and we all know I freak out about bugs. I rolled down the windows hoping the wind of going 70 would blow the creature away BUT NO he just hangs on and starts staring at me. Yes, he was staring at me! Anyway the creepy crawly starts walking again and he is headed my direction and I realize I am going to have to take action. I proceed to change lanes so I can exit the highway and pull into a gas station (here is where the nice stranger comes in) I put the Jeep in park exited the vehicle and asked the very very nice guy who was pumping gas if he would PLEASE come kill the bug. At first he says "your kidding" and I explained very quickly that I wasn't and if he didn't hurry the evil little thing might hide and then I would be in even a bigger need cause I would need a ride to work. The very nice stranger killed the bug (my hero) and walked away smirking.

~ I learned my cell phone doesn't float. It ended up in the pool but by the grace of God it dried out and worked the next day. (don't tell AT&T cause I plan on trading it off to them soon)

~ Oh gosh let me tell you I learned the hard way this week that you should not wear thongs and to tight of jeans at the same time. Very painful lesson that I won't be repeating!

Alright already I am going to stop sharing my crazy experiences that have happened lately cause I am sure you are already thinking the worst of me. Oh, well that's why I stay anonymous. :)

Very Random thoughts..........

2008-06-13T19:35:00.001-05:00

So these are very random thoughts that I have been having that are probably better left unsaid so this is just between you and me.....

~~ Wonder if I will make any sense in this posting since I am on my third glass of wine.

~~ I think that when a medicine says on the bottle that it might intensify alcohol they mean it.

~~I wish I didn't eat a mango and drink wine today cause I am now really in a naughty mood and home alone. :(

~~ I still can't believe I was foolish enough to let my neighbors talk me into partaking in the whole neighborhood rummage. WTF I should be smarter than that!!

~~ I think I am doing much better emotionally since I started taking those little pills the size of tic-tacs I was so against. Maybe it isn't a personal weakness to need a bit of assistance from medicine.

~~ I probably shouldn't have flirted with the salesmen that called the house this evening. But he did have a sexy voice or is that the wine talking? (It might have been the mango talking)

~~ I have been working hard this week at controlling the anxiety as it rises. How did I get so out of control so fast. I have been able to control it for so long with self control and deep breathing.

~~ Wonder if the girl I am helping work through her abuse issues is doing alright. Sometimes it is amazing to me when I work with women just starting out dealing with their childhood abuse how far I have come. I would never have dreamed that it would be possible for me to rise above what happen and use the bad experiences as a positive now.

~~ Wonder if I this is a midlife crisis I am going through that is causing me to want to leave my job, sell my house and move far away to a small town and have a cute little house with a big garden in the back.

~~ I can't believe how tough I was yesterday killing a spider in the basement instead of running. (Please note that I had Raid in one hand and the broom in the other hand.)

~~ Wonder if there will be passion in my marriage again or will it just be what it is. Funny how I am the one that is stalking him for sex. Interesting how maybe now the age difference is effecting us or is it? Maybe it is just him and not the age.

I titled it correctly when I said RANDOM thoughts. Well anyway I am doing somewhat better these days which is encouraging. I am really really trying to not project situations that have not even occurred yet. I have been reminding myself daily that everything will work out alright and this is not worth my peace of mind. My goodness in the big picture of my life this is small potatoes so I need to suck it up, pick myself up and dust off, and start being the strong survivor I know I am. My next posting will be some crazy azz funny story of something goofy I have done lately cause this one is way to serious. (Plus I am taking my niece who is 6 out to a farm breakfast and farm event at 8:30am tomorrow) Now that should be interesting - the smell of farm while I am recovering from wine this evening. YIKES!

~~

Coming up for air........

2008-06-08T20:03:00.000-05:00

It has been to long since I last wrote. I have been fighting the demon of depression with all that I have which has exhausted me and left no energy for good things. I consider myself a some what strong person and I have overcome many adversities in my life but lately I haven't been so strong. In fact I realized that I was losing the battle of depression and anxiety so I went to see the doctor. (Please note that I said the battle, cause one can lose a battle and still win the war) So here I am thinking that I am losing it and at any given moment the men with the white coats are coming when the wonderful doctor tells me that this depression/anxiety could very well be from quitting smoking!!! Yippee I thought I finally had a medical excuse to go back smoking but she explained that NO I shouldn't go back smoking but that I might need a low dose of medicine for a few months. When the doctor told me this I began to laugh because of all the horrible life experiences I have gone through I never would have thought quitting smoking would bring me to my knees. After leaving the doctors office that day I went and got a large coffee and parked by the lake. I believe I was only parked about two minutes when I began to cry. Once I started crying I didn't think I was ever going to stop. I started out crying because I felt like such a weak person needing the help of medicine to fight the depression/anxiety and from there I just kept on crying for all of the hurt I have buried for so long. I didn't bury the hurt to deny it I buried it because I didn't feel I had time to hurt I only had time to find solutions for the problems on hand. Since the age of five when my parents divorced I assumed the role of care taking. I am not sure if that role was forced on me or if it is a genetic trait. Regardless something in me has changed after all of these years. Wonder if it from quitting smoking or from pushing the forty marker or the breaking of the trust from my husband or my father passing or maybe I am just tired of being the strong one for so many people.
So after I could cry no more and I finished my coffee I went to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled. I kept my sunglasses on in the store cause I looked very scary from all the crying. When the pharmacist came out to give me the prescription he asked me if I had any questions which could have been a very dangerous thing to do but I just shook my head no and took the bag. Once I got home I opened the bag, took out bottle, and opened to peek at the pills that are going to save me from myself. I am finding it really hard to believe that a pill the size of a tic tac is going to fix me but I will keep you posted.................

The Survey says...............

2008-04-27T19:04:00.000-05:00

Why the sudden surge in emails with people wanting me to fill out survey forms. I have been receiving both personal and business survey questionnaires lately. So instead of filling them all out and those people knowing way to much about me I am going to cut and paste one in here and fill it out. And of course I will have to interject a couple of extras at the end of my own. ha ha
Well here it goes:

What is your favorite color? SAGE GREEN
Where were you born? MISSISSIPPI
What is your favorite food? MUSHROOM ALFREDO
What food do you dislike? BEETS
Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate? COFFEE
Beer, wine, mixed drink, or soda? WINE MOSTLY BUT A MARTINI ONCE IN A WHILE
Which one is your favorite summer or winter? SUMMER
Who is your favorite author? NICOLAS SPARKS
What is your favorite movie? THE NOTEBOOK
What is your favorite TV series? HOUSE
Have you ever been in love? YES
Have you ever been married? YES
Have you ever been in trouble with the law? NO
How many different states have you lived in? THREE
How many brothers and sisters do you have? FOUR SISTERS AND ONE BROTHER
Are you the oldest, youngest, middle, or only child? OLDEST
What is your favorite day of the week? SATURDAY
Are you a morning or night person? NIGHT
If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? MY WEIGHT
What is one thing about yourself you like? I STRIVE FOR BETTER
blah blah blah
So now instead of survey crap how about I give you some crazy random information about me that you are going to wish I hadn't shared so quickly.
I like a nice azz on a man just as much as the next girl but a man with nice eyes and strong hands makes me weak in the knees. There you have it I am a eyes and hand gal.
I like to sleep in the nude. I also like to sleep with the fan on and blankets layered on.
I don't really enjoy spending large amounts of time in crowds. I enjoy small intimate groups over crowds.
If I didn't have to work outside the home I believe I would like to be a country girl. Well maybe I better say I might like cause I am a bit of a spoiled brat and there are some creepy crawls in the country like snakes, large bugs, field mice, and other scary rodents.
I rather go on a romantic picnic instead of going out to a fancy restaurant.
I love bubble baths and will stay in the tub till I have used up all the hot water.
Eating mango makes me horny. I don't know why but every time I eat them I get turned on.
I appear to the world as being a toughie but I cry every week at the Extreme Home make over show.
Yikes, I have shared way to much information Want to share a answer with me from one of your surveys?

Could there be closet gremlins?

2008-04-07T16:58:00.000-05:00

Let me just start out stating that it can not be possible that I have bought as many clothes as I have. I want to believe that some evil clothes gremlins are slipping clothes into my closet to make me look bad. How could it be possible that I have managed to outgrow another closet? I promised my husband that I would not be caught again putting my extra clothes in his 4' closet BUT I may be forced to retract that promise if Kohl's has one more "The Biggest Sale This Year" sale that I can't pass up. The way I see it if the hubby really loved me he would understand that 12 feet of closet space just isn't enough room for me and would let me share some his 4 foot closet. Where is his unconditional love when it comes to closet space? Since he is not showing much love toward the gremlins did it concept I began the dreaded cleaning out my closets process this weekend. Holy sh#@ this is going to take longer than I wanted. I usually skim over my clothes and get rid of a some every years but this is the first time in a long time I have deep cleaned through ALL my clothes. I am already finding errors with my process of deep cleaning like -

1) when emptying closet don't pile clothes on bed because you have no where to sleep if you don't complete task in the same day
2) under estimated time frame of how long this process is going to take
3) I should have disconnected the computer, cable,and phone because anyone of them is better than facing the mess I have made
4) I shouldn't have told my sister why I wanted her to come over cause once I tipped her off to what I was doing she suddenly didn't stop over
5) Shouldn't have taken a break to post this cause now I really really don't want to go back to the mess.

I know I am going to really enjoy my closet when everything is done and I have it all color and style coordinated but right now that seems so far away. With the size of the pile of clothes I have put aside for goodwill I should have plenty of room in my closet to go to a sale or two. ha ha No really I am still going strong on my no spending adventure and it is going well. I haven't shopped since Christmas and I am alright. I haven't melted or even had to seek medical attention. It is going good just enjoying what I already have and to be honest I haven't really needed for anything. Funny how when I really began to think about the materials things I don't really need or want them now.
I must stop this rambling and get back to cleaning my closets if I want to have any hope of reaching the bottom of the pile clothes.

Just Ranting..............

2008-03-31T18:04:00.000-05:00

I need to start out saying that I am a bit on the cranky side today. Hey I have a really good excuse! You see last night we had a thunder storm and apparently my puppy feels safer from the storm by sitting on my head. How would you like to wake up more than once with a puppy azz in your face? I tried to explain to him that my head was no safer a place than being by my side but he just wasn't having it. This battle was occurring two hours before the alarm clock was due to go off. So not a good way to start a Monday. My poor little man was just a wreck and I am a bit sleep deprived. Anyway that is why I am a bit crabby.
Since I knew I was crabby I decided that it was in my best interest (and everyone else) to just stay quiet and keep my comments to myself at work today BUT now that I am out of the office and away from those people I MUST rant!! Why do a very large amount of women find it necessary to talk poorly about other women? It doesn't appear to matter if they know each other well or not at all. Women just seems to talk about other women or seem to find a way to make other women look bad. Really if you think about it how many times do you hear a women complimenting another women. Why are we so insecure as women that we find the need to do this? Maybe insecure isn't the right word for it but that is what comes to mind when I think of all the petty things that women say that are mean about each other. Hell some women are even mean to the the women they call friends when they aren't around. I just don't understand how a woman can acted like she likes someone even show gestures of caring and then turn around and talk down this person when they aren't around. Why does everything in life have to be a competition with other women? It doesn't appear to me that as many men do this to each other. I am not saying all cause I know some do but it doesn't seem to be a majority. In fact I received this email recently and it kind of sums up what I am saying.
Why men have better friends
Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.

It just appears that even in this email that men stick together more than women. Men seem to watch out for each other right or wrong more than women do. Interesting to note I would have definitely not admitted to whether or not his wife stayed the night at my house without first talking to her for our story. That is just my personality though. I also would note that I rather work with 50 men then 5 women. Men let you know were you stand with them good or bad and when are mad they say there piece then get over it but when a woman gets mad and she says her piece that is just the beginning. I know I am being tough on us women but for the love of God we need to build each other up and stop tearing each other down........

Enough...

2008-03-29T16:49:00.000-05:00

Excuse me Mother Nature but - Enough snow already! Hello did you forget that spring has sprung and it is time to put the snow away till next year. The population sign in my town is going to have to change with the amount of snowmen that have been built this season and my yard is now going to be considered holy ground because of the amount of snow angels that have been created. Yes, living in Wisconsin during this winter has been challenging. I have a Jeep so driving in the snow wasn't bad but I do not have a snow boy (much like a pool boy but for winter) so cleaning off the Jeep windows and shoveling the snow was another story. Alright who am I kidding my husband did 98% of the snow removal BUT I did sweep off the porch. Before you go thinking her poor husband please note that I am from the south and he is from here and he is the reason we still live in this climate so he has brought this upon himself. I am more than happy for us to move to the south and I will maintain the yard. I believe I would enjoy living in the south if we had the opportunity but I am not sure my Yankee boy would ever be happy. I did get him down home for a visit a few years back and one thing he was commenting about was the amount of bugs on his windshield and how everybody talks to us like they have known us our entire life. I had to talk for his sorry butt a few times so we didn't seem rude cause he just wasn't use to chatting with strangers but he did start doing some better after a bit. Funny how I realized after that visit back to the south how much influence the north has had on me. I wonder if I would really like living in the south anymore? There are definitely things here in the north I enjoy like the absolutely perfect fall weather, I enjoy living two blocks from Lake Michigan, my job pays fairly well which isn't easy to find in the south, and will I admit I do like a white Christmas. Please let me note that I only like it white the week of Christmas and other than that forget it! Ah the south brings pleasure to me in the form southern comfort food, friendly people who seem to know how to be polite always, slower pace style, ceiling fans on porches that wrap around the house and have at least one swing on it, simple pleasures without the need to be materialistic. Maybe if I start requesting now by the time we retire I can get my husband to at least live part of the year in the south. (I am picking the part of the year after Christmas when it is cold, dark, and snowing in the north.) All this talk of the home makes me want a glass of sweet tea...

What was she thinking?

2008-03-20T20:46:00.000-05:00

For the love of God what was my sister thinking having four children? I had three of them for just a few hours today and that was long enough for me to now be seeking therapy. They are all so special and I have such fun spending time with each one of them BUT when you put them all together not so much fun. They all want something different with the exception of all wanting to drive their Aunt crazy. I find they can get along well when they are working together for the same cause of getting something over on me. Two of them talked me into believing we could be careful and not get muddy if we went to the park! Wrong wrong wrong. The little guy that begged and promised to stay clean the loudest was the first one running through the mud!! We are all going to require bathes this evening, including my once white puppy. It is so worth the tongue lashing my sister gives when she sees rather dirty children. The kids, my puppy,and myself went and played in the park near my home. In the children's defense the puppy was chasing them and jumping up causing the kids to fall to the ground laughing. Yep, that is our story and we are sticking to it. I wish I would have taken pictures of our playtime. I will have make it a point to keep my camera in my purse. Well I would love to stay and write more details but I got a stinky little puppy trying to get into my lap so I better go run him a bubble bath. :)

Could hot pink toe nails make me better?

2008-03-15T18:13:00.000-05:00

Now you know it is bad when you are tired of your own shit............
Today is the day I am giving myself a kick in the ass to remind me to get a life. I just looked over what I have written this year so far and it is blah,blah,blah. For the love of God I have to loosen up and have some fun. Not sure if it is the bottle of wine I am finishing up as I write or that fact the sun finally showed up instead of snow or the new hot pink nail polish I put on my toes BUT whatever it is it showed up just in the nick of time. I have spent the better part of the day sulking in my shit trying to find a good reason I could justify it. Not even a bottle of wine could help justify that. So with that being said let the clean up begin. Should I start my cleaning with the house or myself? Well I do know that my anal self always feels better when I get some stuff done around the house so that is were I better start. When I started out this year I has these grandiose ideas of all these house projects to be done and never once gave much thought to how I was going to execute and complete them all. I attempted to trick the hubby into getting on board my over zealous planned boat but he wouldn't fall for it. Speaking of him why is it he has 20/20 vision but yet can not see the dust that needs to wiped away? Maybe does see it but yet it doesn't bother him. Hell as far he is concerned as long as the dust bunnies aren't laying on his couch or hiding his remote control the world is alright. DaMn! We are so opposite I can't believe we have stayed together this many years.(18)
Besides the kick in the azz I gave me while drinking my wine and waiting for my toe nail polish to dry I did jot down a few things. I so love list!! How do people without list ever get through a day? The first list was immediate cleaning things I will do and the second list was the good one. Here are some of the things that I put on this list:

Stop being a dumb azz toughie and call the doctor in regards to maybe getting some of those happy pills that half the female population is on. No not ones for sex drive cause my drive is in permanent 4 wheel overdrive! I think it maybe in my best interest and everyone around if I get some mood altering assistance. No really I need to lighten up on the people around me. You know it is bad when I am saying "no I am not suicidal but I am feeling rather homicidal. Yikes pass me a little yellow pill quickly!
Frickin' stop worrying about finances constantly! I need a daily reminder that I can only pay out what I bring in and as long as the mortgage is paid and the minimum payments on everything else that it will be alright. So what if it is going to take me two years of living poorly to accomplish this (assuming nothing else major happens during that time) I am a survivor so I will make it through. Must remember I still have choices!
Must have fun! Sad I have to remind myself to have fun but that will change in time. I have so much around me that I can have fun with. Like - a small semi trailer full of scrap booking supplies, a wonderful lounge chair that I can sit in when it warms up and read one of the many books I have bought that I haven't read yet, getting together more with my one close friend that I share all my secrets with, walking the puppy by the lake when it is warmer, go take pictures with my camera I got for Christmas, (side note - I love photos)(second side note- I have a really hot male friend who use to take pictures for a career that I would love to learn from) So when I got to here on the list my mind started to wander off about my hot photo man who is a bad boy and rides a motorcycle and the list stopped. Mmmmm better stop talking about him since we know what happens to us girls when we drink a bit much. OK one more comment about him - he is one of the most sexually giving lover a girl could long for. Uh oh now I have said to much.

I must mention that there should be one more on this list and it will be - Make your post out on this blog fun/interesting and not something that people use to help them get sleepy. I do not want my blog used as a sleep aid! And with that being said I better get my tipsy azz up and moving since the wine is gone and my hot pink toe nails are dry....

Love.........

2008-03-14T20:20:00.000-05:00

I am pondering over how one four letter word can mean so much and have such power. By now if you have read any of my prior postings you will know what is coming next. Yes, I looked it up in the dictionary! I was not surprised to find that there are numerous definitions and here are some of ones listed:

1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
3. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
4 A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
5. An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.

Love is so powerful and yet that is not listed in the definition. Not feeling love can hurt you down to the core but yet the definition does not state love is essential for well being. And there is nothing in the dictionary defining unconditional love. Wonder if there really is such a thing as unconditional love? It would be a absolute no limitation love. Is that possible?
All this talk of love really makes me wish I could feel someone loving me.........................

PS. As I stated in my last posting I need to lighten up and have fun SO I bought a bottle of wine that I plan on drinking this weekend and a new color of nail polish that I plan on using to paint my toe nails. Note to self - paint nails before drinking bottle of wine to avoid complete coverage of toes in hot pink polish. Having pretty toes is just fun!!

Just another issue..........

2008-03-03T19:48:00.000-06:00

After reviewing my last entry I realized that I should state that entry was just fantasy talk because I really do love my husband. This time last year we were struggling with some challenges that I know have crumbled many marriages but I made the decision that I would not end our marriage because of money. Now I could have ended it because of the lies and deceit about where the money went but I decided I would first address this issue head on and educate myself about gambling addictions and see if my husband was going to reach out for help. I think that people now a days throw their hands up and walk away from marriages to quickly without attempting to make it work. Some might say that I am wrong about my opinion and my own decision to stay but that is the way it goes with free will. Hell, there are days I question myself about my decision! Being honest I would have to say I have a issue with failing and I have always seen divorce as failing. Maybe that is a cop out since I am a person of habit and don't always enjoy the challenges of change. This uncertainty is something I am working on as one of my goals for 2008. Working on myself is challenging at times but also has some rewards when I realize some of my strengths. (believe it or not I have found some strengths) As I am working on this journey I am finding that I am running into obstacles that keep me going back and questioning my motives.One huge issue I struggle with in so many aspects of my life is " am I settling". I don't want to just settle for things because it is easier but I also don't want to always strive to reach higher to the point where I am never content. I am trying to learn that one person can not meet all of my expectations and that does not mean I am settling when they don't meet them. Wonder if this makes any sense?
Looking back at this entry I am realizing that I am getting way to deep lately and I need to lighten up a laugh a little more. Note to self to remember to have more fun as I walk through this journey called life. That is a wonderful trait my husband has - he knows how to make me lighten up and laugh even when I don't think I want too.

Secret Urge.............

2008-02-15T20:40:00.000-06:00

I have been living in this comfortably numb state going through the motions of the every day responsibilities of life and for the most part doing alright with that but then every once in a while I have these urges. I have a secret urge that I wouldn't usually share but will since I am anonymous here it is - I want to hook up with a lover and spend a whole day having hot passionate sex and be as raw with emotions as I want. I want raw passion without any commitment or expectations or consequences. I would enjoy sharing emotions of passion and sharing what ever might be on my mind if I knew that I could do it without having it haunt me when the day is over. I think it's kinda hot to fantasize about a day like that. I don't know what makes it hotter the passion or the raw emotion. Since this idea will mostly likely not happen considering who I am I think I will just sit here and create the day in my head and list here all the details I would like.

Hotel room with large king size bed with lots of pillows and hot tub in the room
The only light in the room is created by candles
Temperature in room should be a bit cool since we will be heating up most of the day
Assortment of lotions,toys,body food,rope (just in case)
Lover who can not get enough of me and only has pleasing me on his mind (this is my fantasy) He also will match my raw emotion with his own version of raw emotion that goes with the moment. (other than that he should only make pleasurable noises or suggestions)
Ability to order room service (will need food to regain strength)
Bubbles and rose petals for the hot tub
All the goodies needed like shampoo,soap,lotion,nail polish (Side note - I have always had this ultimate fantasy of a lover giving me a bath from soaping me up to putting lotion on me after the bath)

So there we have it my secret urge that I have played in my mind more than once when my state of comfortably numb just isn't enough. I must admit it is hot putting my list together and I didn't even mention any of the positions that I had in mind. Better save that for a later entry........

Me Surrender?

2008-02-10T09:22:00.000-06:00

Alright maybe saying to surrender to problems is a bit to much over the top for me to accept. The word surrender means :

to yield (something) to the possession or power of another
to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc
to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.

Yes, I guess I do see the word as synonym for victim. And we all know how I feel about the use of that word. Maybe I better explain - if a action occurs out of a persons control they are a victim of it and I totally understand and support them BUT if someone decides to be a victim because of things that have occured and continue to give their power up I have issues. Letting go of what has happened is terrifying because then you have address getting better but if you don't well then you live with the sorrow and anger and being powerless. Anyway instead of using the word surrender I am going with the word deal. And boy oh boy do I have a lot to deal with lately. My plan is: Deal with what I need to deal with, secretly wallow in it for short bit, then get up make a plan and walk away. If I don't deal with my own form of madness I will not move forward in my quest to better myself. I want to come through the eye of the storm (maybe bruised and skinned up) but changed and moving forward. It will be interesting to see who will still be a active part of my life as I go through this journey because not all people choice to move forward to better themselves. I will not abandon people because they don't want to move forward just because I want to but I would think they may not be as active in my life as before since I will be on the move. Hopefully they will get inspired by me moving and want to start their own journey. I decided in May 2007 that I needed to begin this journey of figuring out who I really am and what do I really want. It is a slow process and one that is not always pleasant but one that I must do so all of the broken pieces that still cling to me fall away and vanish. I have been told that everything I need to already inside of me so I guess all I need to do now is find it. Anyone got a x-ray machine I could borrow so I can make sure it's really in there?

Don't do well with victims.........

2008-02-05T18:41:00.000-06:00

I have this major issue with people that act like they are victims to life. I am not a cold hearted bit@h that doesn't understand that bad things happen to people (God knows I have had my share) I am talking about when people choice to just continue to blame their behavior and or mood on that incident and the people that blame other people for what is happening to them like they don't have a choice for themselves. I just want to be real and say we as adults have no one to blame but ourselves for our decisions today. I do believe that our childhood and past can shape who we are and have a influence in how we may chose to approach present issues but it is still up to us on how we will address today. I had some horrific incidents that occurred to me as a child BUT I refuse to be a victim to those issues and live in it today. No, I am not living in denial because I do acknowledge that it occurred, what I am saying is I rather be a survivor and learn from what happen to me than a victim of what happen and sit on the pity pot. Everyone has bad things happen to them but I think it is what you do with it that determines who you are. I think it is much easier to be a victim and just except the negative that comes with it and continue to blame the person or incident for your problems BUT you need to remember that by doing this you are still a victim and still giving your power to them. Being a survivor to a tragic event or to terrible people is not easy because it means you have to deal with what happen,acknowledge how it has effected you, get past the pain and take responsibility for your actions today. I think it is a struggle to be a survivor but I believe that by being this you win because you are no longer allowing the negative to win and keep you a victim. I don't win everyday being a survivor, in fact I still unfortunately have the evidence of a Ben&Jerry carton and one less vacation day at work and pj's with a ice cream stain to remind me of the day recently I decided to hide and not be a survivor. The point I am trying to make is we all should take accountability for what we decide to do and how we are going to act without blaming others. We are responsible for us! All of this ranting is because I contacted someone close to me that I dearly care about and they spent our entire time together being on the pity pot with the poor me people make me this way attitude and it just frustrated me so much that I had to express it somewhere. Don't give up or give in to the victim role cause life is short and you deserve better and you have the power to have better.......

Personal TO DO list for the moment....

2008-02-04T16:55:00.000-06:00

Yes, this posting is very similar to one I just wrote recently but I didn't get the message the first time so I am reenforcing again for me!
Time sure can slip by quickly so I have written a personal TO DO list that I want to accomplish for me! I have learned that in order for me to stay focused and on track I need to make a list to work from. Making a list has become such a habit and a security blanket that when I am feeling overwhelmed I can feel less stressed if I make a list of what needs to be done. Does anal retentive come to mind? Yeah,yeah well I didn't say I didn't have issues!

So here are some of my current personal TO DO list I am working on:

Quit smoking (been a month without them already)
Read more books. (finished 3 books in January)
Must learn how to use all my electronic devices like my new phone, digital camera, DVR machine, video camera. (ugh - I have to read manuals instead of pushing buttons till something works)
Take a room at a time in my house cleaning, purging, organizing, and decorating. (started in the office/spare room but still need to finish it)
Learn not to take anything personally. Everyone is acting out their own preconceptions and I don't have to take people's reactions or opinions personally. (wow if I can really put this one into action I will be really making progress) <-- not doing well so far
Incorporating a better eating/exercising program that also includes more water and less coffee (working on cutting down coffee intake to less than double digit cups per day)
Will continue to keep a balance of work and play even if I pick up part time job for a few months. (so far so good staying between 40-45 hours at work and no more)
Working on making me happy. I am only responsible for taking care of me and my needs so I better learn to do a better job. (no not saying I am going to neglect hubby and his need for desserts but I am saying only do it if it makes me happy and not because I feel "have to")
Journal for me so I can review to look for progress and areas that need more attention. ( this blog has helped the journal concept)

These are a few of the challenges I have given myself so I can attempt to move forward in this ever changing crazy life. What challenge have you made for yourself?

I am worth it..........

2008-01-23T19:37:00.000-06:00

So today my friend sent me the perfect email for my mood so here it is.

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound... "As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?" The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money, I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life. "He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself. When she finished her spiel, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You are asking a lot.
She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

Wait for me...........

2008-01-21T19:46:00.000-06:00

I can't believe January is already more than half way over already and it didn't wait for me. I have gotten a few things done though like finished two really good books, learning how to use my new camera (sorta), painted the office/spare room, managed to keep my hours at work to 45 or less, organized spare closet, and worked out new very rough household budget. If you haven't guessed already I have decided that 2008 is the year to better structure my life. So I made this plan kinda of what I want to try and accomplish each month of this year. Some working on projects around the house (never ending projects), some working on internal projects in myself (yikes dealing with me), some I have set aside any of my extra time to give to others (yikes dealing with others). One of my goals for this year is to learn how to better balance myself. I sometimes give to much of myself leaving nothing left for me which can then lead me into a panic overwhelmed mood if faced with issues before I can nurture my strength back. Other times go to the opposite extreme and appear to just shut down to people around me which is not good because then people think I am being cold and distant. I want to find a balance where I can be there for people without giving so much of myself I have nothing left for me. I am a mentor for this one support group and I even find at times I try to absorb some of their pain so they can be at ease. This year will be a journey of finding my inner balance and for finding true happiness and peace in me. I want to continue to grow in my ability to be comfortable with myself and my surroundings without anyone else in them. I want to want people and not need people for the most part. Wow this posting got much deeper than I planned. Better stop now before I dig a hole I can't get out of without writing a novel.

Another finished book for 2008

2008-01-20T18:07:00.000-06:00

Book : eat pray love
Author: Elizabeth Gilbert

Well as of today I can check off another book finished off my reading list. I had heard some rather interesting comments made about this book which of course peaked my curiosity and forced me to add it to the want to read list. The author Elizabeth Gilbert had a wonderful way describing what she felt in such a way you couldn't help but feel it too. I think this book hit home for me on such a personal level because she found that inner peace balance and the ability to be honest with herself and that is something I am searching for. In fact in this one chapter the words struck such a tender hidden nerve for me that I cried. This chapter is toward the end of the book and she has just about finished her journey and she has finally agreed to have a intimate relationship with this man she met and became friends with in Bali. Here are a few blurbs from the chapter that had me in tears:

Yes, I did come to his bed with him, and he explained to me his terms - that he wanted absolutely nothing from me whatsoever except permission to adore me for as long as I wanted him to.
Later, he would tell me how he had seen me that night. He said that I seemed so young, not in the least bit resembling the self assured woman he'd come to know in the daylight world. He said it was obvious I hadn't been touched in such a long time. He found me teeming with need but also grateful to be allowed to express that need. And while I can't say I remember all that, I do take his word because he seemed to be paying awfully close attention to me.
One thing I do know about intimacy is that there are certain natural laws which govern the sexual experience of two people, and that these laws cannot be budged any more than gravity can be negotiated with. To feel physically comfortable with someone else's body is not a decision you can make. The mysterious magnet is either there, buried somewhere deep behind the sternum or it is not.

Of course this account above is much later after she has gone through being consumed by panic and confusion and has found her way to a better balance in life. I believe the reason the parts above touched me because I want and need that so much. I long for that intimate attention that I so crave..........

P.S. Now it's time for a book to giggle to so I am going to start reading " The other Woman" by Jane Greene this evening.

Quote this.....

2008-01-16T19:52:00.000-06:00

I must confess I love quotes and sayings regardless of whether inspirational or funny or sassy. For some time now I have been randomly writing them down in a notebook as well as writing them on any old piece of paper I run across when I see the quote. Needless to say these quotes are everywhere and the only importance they serve is they make me smile when I run across them. I have now come up with a idea of how to enjoy these quotes/sayings without driving myself crazy with little papers everywhere. I am going to paint them on the walls in a bedroom. It will be fun to read all the different ones throughout the room. The wall will be a solid light color and I will paint the quotes in a color darker than the base coat. I will keep the writing on the smaller side so it doesn't make the walls and the room look to busy. I am trying to decide if I am going to use the same font for all of them or not. Since I am a bit anal ( a touch of OCD) I will probably use the same font for all of them. Yippee I now have a plan to rid myself of these quotes/sayings written everywhere. Here are some quotes I found today on post notes in my desk drawer. (they might make the wall)

"Life is short - Break the Rules - Forgive Quickly - Kiss Slowly - Love Truly - Laugh Uncontrollably - And Never Regret Anything That Made You Smile."

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Dogs are not our whole lives, but make our lives whole."

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

"Say what you mean and mean what you say."

I will really have to figure out which ones are worthy of making the wall and which ones will stay only on the scrap of paper they were written on. Is this quirk I have with quotes one that others share or is this one of those things that make me "unique"? If you had to pick a favorite quote or saying what would it be?

Shhhh Don't tell I am a romantic........

2008-01-15T18:21:00.000-06:00

Already half way through the first month of 2008 and I am yet to sit down and write anything of substance. I'm not saying random thoughts and rants don't hold substance but they are just not what I was striving to achieve here. Maybe striving and always setting the bar just a bit higher has been my problem all along. Just maybe I should let go of always attempting to maintain that image of acceptance from all and just be me here. Hhhmmm, if I am going to plan on just being me in here I better figure out who I am. It might be fun to just randomly share the real person I hide and share as I figure out who I am and who I want to be ( I would say when I grow up but I believe pushing 40 makes me kinda grown up) My new idea then for this site for me is to learn to be comfortable expressing myself openly and honestly without anxiety of worrying that I am not being what others expect.

So for my first insight to the real me..................

I am a romantic at heart. Really I am one that adores mushy, thoughtful gestures that come from the heart and not the wallet. Anybody can buy a gift but only special people give from the heart. One flower given to me with meaning means more to me than receiving a dozen roses on Valentine's Day. Yes, the gesture is nice for the dozen roses but the thoughtfulness of the meaning with the one flower wins my heart. I am such a sappy romantic that I will watch" Pretty Woman" every time I see it on T.V. and I cry every time I watch the movie "The Notebook". Could you image having the kind of love that movie expressed. Wonder if it is possible or if that only happens in the movies. A few gestures that I would consider to be romantic and have melted a special spot in my heart.

note stating the words to the song "You are my Sunshine" left on the windshield of my car. (still wearing the sun charm I received shortly after this note)
path of chocolate kisses with instructions to follow leading to a candlelight picnic.
wrote me a journal of each days events while I was gone for seven days and gave it to me the night I got back in town.

There you have it I am a romantic! I don't really know why I hide that part of me from others except I am afraid that it is looked at as a weakness or afraid they might be able to use it against me later. Regardless of why I have shared it now. Are you a romantic at heart?

Mental battles from within

2008-01-10T21:35:00.000-06:00

Ten days into the new year and I find myself consumed in the battle of fighting my own personal demons. These demons of negative energy just barged right into my thoughts even though they know they are not welcome here. This sudden emotional back stepping is probably a good indication that I need to start addressing issues I have been skirting around quickly before the enemy depression sneaks in. The enemy depression and I have spent years together in a unhealthy relationship until I decided to break that bond some time ago. That doesn't mean he doesn't try to sneak in on occasion but not as often any more. It use to be a lot of work defeating depression from sneaking in but I have gained inner peace that guards for me now and only on occasion when my inner peace has wandered off does depression make it into my thoughts. With all of the distractions of the holiday bliss and the late hours working to make it all happen I neglected that part of me that goes to mental battle of my behalf and I am now paying the price for that neglect. With that being said I need to get back to my journey of working on understanding the chapters of my life that are creating my book. As I take this pilgrimage through my chapters of life so far I can only hope for insight to assist in the forming of future chapters. And if there is no insight then oh well I will continue to fake it till I make it....

Here we go into 2008

2008-01-07T20:26:00.000-06:00

First week into the new year and I haven't had any time to check in and write. The year is starting out on a good note but just a bit busy. Later this week when some of the chaos slows down I will be back here writing more chapters of who I am and attempting to find my way in this ever changing maze of life. Since I compare the life of people to books what would the title of your book be?

The last page of the chapter of 2007

2007-12-31T08:52:00.000-06:00

I am glad to see 2007 coming to a end. This has been a difficult year for me emotionally, financially, and spiritually. I thought 2003 was bad when I lost my dad and grandma within months of each other but this year has proven to be just as difficult but in new challenging ways. I could sit and whine about all the troubles the year had but that's not really me. I much rather talk about how it caused me to challenge myself to grow. I have been faced this year with some situations that I did not create but had to either clean up or walk away. Interesting during these issues I did not realize how strong of a person I can be but now that I am reflecting back on them I see that I have more inner strength than I think. I believe we can overcome any problem we are faced with as long as we acknowledge and move forward. By acknowledge and move forward I mean we must address that it is a issue and chose not to sit in it. The easy way out is to just sit in it and have a pity party with the hopes that someone will either join you or fix it or show you which way to run from it. The tough way which also helps you grow as a person the most is to face the issue and see how you are going to fix it. I know that sounds impossible to just say fix it and sometimes we can't completely fix it but we can put a bandage on it and slow the bleeding or apply pressure till the bleeding stops and we can figure out where to go from there. For example, my husband created a situation this year that rocked my world and not in a good way either. This issue was bad enough to challenge a marriage and would bring some to their knees. It definitely knocked the wind out of me and had me doubting every good feeling I ever had about him BUT before I made any life altering decisions I took some time to evaluate what I was going to do. I had to do massive amounts of soul searching to determine if I could stay with him and move past this. We have this marriage rule that when we argue we can only bring up the current issues and not dredge up the past so I had to ensure I could really move past this cause I wouldn't be able to resent him and bring it up later. Just a rule we made because we both have a past that can be brought up when arguing that can add to much fuel to the argument and then we lose might of the issue at hand and say things that cause way to much damage. So after doing some soul searching and creating a two column list of the pros and con's of which way to go I decided that I had to much invested in my love for him to walk away. That doesn't mean he got away clean free because his actions caused hurt to others and he definitely lost a part of me that it had taken him years to reach. He knows this and has in return learned many lessons from this and made huge improvements in his character. Had I made the decision to leave I would have missed out on seeing him grow in such positive ways and I would have missed out on the lessons I have learned. Not every issue may be worth staying but in this case I thought it was. If he hadn't learned from the issue or ever recreates the situation again then there will be a different outcome. I have learned plenty this time around and don't believe in repeating the lesson.
On a lighter note another valuable lesson in 2007 that I wasn't prepared for was a puppy. Why aren't we given instructions and a warning label when you get one? I bought this little one as a birthday gift for the hubby in the late summer and my life has been different ever since. I have so much more respect for people that have children now that I have a furry four legged child. It is a joy to watch them explore this new world and enjoy the wonders like the first snow fall and a clean new squeaky toy. It's not so much fun teaching them what NO means and keeping them safe from harm. Why wasn't I warned they are slow learners when it comes to the word NO and that they are not picky on what pair of shoes they chew on? The puppy listens much better to my husband which apparently I have been told is because he knows that my husband is his pack leader. I apparently am to much of a softy with the puppy and in return the puppy thinks he is the leader of mine and his pack. I don't remember signing up for a pack! And why does this puppy know all he has to do to melt my anger is look up at me with those cute puppy eyes and wag his tail. Could this be a learned trait from watching me do that to my husband when I am trying to explain why I have another pink bag from Victoria Secrets in my hand? Dang I think he should just listen to what I say and not do as I do. I guess I will have to work harder in 2008 to become the pack leader.
Ah, yes 2007 has had some difficult challenges but I have learned plenty. My life isn't easy but if it was then I wouldn't have the chance to challenge myself to grow. I have learned that financial security shouldn't be my whole world, I learned I must have a balance between to work and play, I learned that people you love will let you down but it doesn't mean they don't love you, I learned that anyone can change if they really want to, I learned that I can survive a really tough challenge that hurts me to the core and still make it, I learned that I must not completely hide who I am from people I love, and one really big thing I have learned is puppy teeth hurt even though they are small.
Happy Years and hold on tight for the adventure 2008 will bring..........

Random thoughts about being a woman.....

2007-12-30T11:31:00.000-06:00

Some days I like being a girl and other days yeah well it isn't much fun. I like being a girly girl and putting on makeup, painting my nails, buying new sandals just because they make my toes look sexy, using pretty smelling lotions, getting shiny gold jewelry with gems in them, and of course walking in the house with another pink bag from Victoria Secrets. I also like being a tough girl who can brag that she built her own flower bed lifting all 46 border stones. And yes I like being a independent girl who has made her own way. I like that I appear to be just a girly girl to men then they try to talk intelligent about a subject only till I correct them on their facts. Funny how men think that if we look good we must not have a brain. For as far as us girls have come we still have a long way to go to become a equal partner whether in a marriage or in a career or in politics or even society. Why is it a strong woman is said to be a bitch or a ball buster? Why is it a pretty woman must not be smart? Damn society and I say society because it is not just men that stereo type women. Heck some of a women's worst critics are other women. Women can be so catty and jealous of each other that they will try to keep another woman down. Yes, we can be are worst own enemy at times. With this being said you must wonder why I still want to be a girl, well because I have learned and still am learning how to maneuver around people feeding their needs just enough to get what I want. As I believe I stated in a earlier posting I enjoy reading people and yes I sometimes use what I have learned against them. Here is a trick I have learned that I have used when needed. Most men need to feel stronger and smarter and really need their egos stroked (among other things) so if you know this then you just learn how to use it to your advantage. For example, I wanted my husband to help clean the garage but I knew if I just asked him he would have explained how some game with a ball on the TV was soooo important so instead I started cleaning by myself for a bit (usually only ten minutes) then I asked his opinion on how I could get all of the pool and patio stuff to fit up on the top shelf of the garage. He started out trying to explain it to me while still attached to the couch with the game on and that's where I began to get him. I started asking additional questions and acted like I just didn't understand what he exactly was explaining so he came out to show me how and once he got out there and started I kicked it in to overdrive telling him he was so good at making everything fit neatly and telling him I couldn't believe how strong he was for lifting all that up at once. So before he knew it I had him out there cleaning the garage without ever knowing that was my plan to begin with. Some might think that is tricking him and maybe it is but the garage got cleaned without excuses and he was well rewarded later. :) I have found that you can appeal to most men by either using their "man ego" against them or by using their other "man need" sex. Getting to women is a bit more challenging because most women are on guard of other women by nature. You really need to read them before you attempt to maneuver around them or get them to agree to your cause. The first thing I start out with when approaching a woman is compliment her on something about herself. (hint women can never get enough compliment's) then I feel her out to see if she is extremely intelligent and I need to impress her just enough with knowledge (not to much or she will become threatened) or if she is shallow and wants to talk about others (don't join in and talk about them just listen and act surprised when she tells you things). If she appears to be self assure enough I then just use the woman to woman approach. If she is not self assured then I go back to the complimenting. By no means do I use this technique with everyone but it does come in handy at times. I wish all people could just be real and could be straight forward but unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
Speaking of being a girly girl I should really end this posting so I can go do a french pedicure to my toes. I hate that it is cold and I can't wear sandals right now to show off my feet when I get them finished. Wonder if my husband has a secret foot fetish that I should know about so I can lure him away from the game he is watching on TV. :)

Fear is a chapter I don't like to talk about.......

2007-12-29T11:01:00.000-06:00

Fear is usually a emotion I try to stay clear of. Now I am not saying all fear cause I have no problem admitting I am afraid of spiders and have been known to vacate a room if there is one in there. I am talking about the emotional fear I try to hide from others. The fear of really just taking chances and letting go to see what happens. The fear of not portraying a image of everything is fine. If you ask people that know me they will say my house is clean and looks so cute the way everything matches perfectly, and they will say she always matches her clothes from head to toe, and her husband just spoils her. I will go to many extremes to ensure that I appear to be able to do it all from the Norman Rockwell home at holidays, the career with 45+hours, the appearance of a loving perfect husband, the perfectly selected outfit for the occasion, to knowledge of the subject that may be discussed at a event. One might say that this is a image of perfection I am attempting to portrait but I believe it is fear instead. I fear that others may see that there is a crack in my foundation. I envy people that can just let go and take risk and don't show the worry of the outcome. I am not talking about adventure risk like skydiving or scuba diving in unknown waters I am talking about personal risk with their emotions. People that can just open up for the world to see what they are feeling and what they are about. People who love with everything in them not fearing the hurt the other could cause them or fear of losing who they are within this other person. I am not saying I don't love because of fear because I really do love my husband but I believe I fear loving him with everything in me. It's the fear to open up myself completely and show who I am because that will give people ability to hurt me if they need or want to. Back to those childhood experiences that seem to shape who I am now. I am not using my childhood as a excuse because I believe that we can overcome those and must overcome those issues but first we must acknowledge them. Maybe that is what has lead me to write this. Maybe I need to identify the effects of my childhood so I can change them. Maybe I will learn that fear is nothing to fear because when bad things happen we can dust ourselves off, learn from it, and move on. Maybe I will stop fearing making a mistake that I will have to live with. Maybe I will learn that I don't really care what people think of the real me and stop hiding her. Is fear a good emotion to fear or am I selling myself short by being so fearful?

Still ponder this trust issue

2007-12-28T18:23:00.000-06:00

After rereading my posting from this morning I began to ponder what the word trust really means to others. I know what my definition of it is but is it the same as others. Well I wasn't about to ask people what trust meant to them so I did the next best thing and looked it up in the dictionary. I still believe in good old hard cover books so up to my library of books I went. According to the definition it states the following:

reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
confident expectation of something; hope.
a person on whom or thing on which one relies

Yikes once reading this I began to realize that maybe what I am lacking is confidence in people and the fear that they won't meet up to my expectations or will let me down if I trust in them whole heartily. Could past experiences have hurt me so deep that I am that willing to live behind this wall not having confidence in others or I am I short changing myself by not giving others the benefit of the doubt?

Chapter on Trust

2007-12-28T12:41:00.000-06:00

My chapter on trust in my book of life is very short. Life experiences at a very young age shattered that emotion and it has been a slow rebuild. Not saying that I don't trust at all because I do trust others with material things and some times I trust a few with secrets or feelings but my issue is trusting someone enough to ever let them know who I really am. People believe that really know me but if questioned about me they would realize that they really only know surface general information about me and very little about who I really am and what I really think about things. I am a good listener and a great information gatherer about others without sharing much about how I really feel. I strive on people reading and enjoy figuring them out without every giving enough information about myself to be figured out. I hide behind this wall of brick I have created and will only peek over the top on occasion to show a piece or two of who I am. After years of being with my husband I noticed that I had removed many bricks from this wall and had began to believe that the wall was crumbling until this year. He had been telling lies to me and was forced to come clean not of his own free will but because of circumstances. If he would have just told me what he was doing I wouldn't have liked it and there would have been hell to pay but not as much as he will pay now that he has lost that part of me that years took to get. It was amazing to me how quickly I could rebuild that wall and become cold. This is not something that I want to do but it is a natural reaction I have. I believe it is one that forced into my personality by childhood experiences. I think we are all born with trust and actions from others take it away. What actions took mine away you ask? Well that would definitely be another chapter in my book of life and not one I choice to share just yet. Kind of funny how I can write this for the world to see as long as I know that you don't know who I am. Maybe in the Chapters to come I will open up some of who I hide from the world. Am I short changing myself by hiding behind this wall or is better to be safe?

Our life is a book......

2007-12-26T18:01:00.000-06:00

I compare the life of a person to books. Some are wonderful novels that we wish would never end and others are stories that make up a series of books that keep you waiting till the spring for the next addition. My life or book as I call it has had many different types of chapters. Some chapters are sappy and sad, some chapters are frustrating, some have you wanting to know more and other chapters having you wondering how will this book end. As I am approaching the 40 marker rather quickly I have began to wonder what chapter for my life is next. There are so many things that I haven't done yet that according to my manual I wrote for myself that I want to do. Funny how the life manual we write of what is important to us changes as we get older and priorities change. I find myself now trying to justify what changes to my manual are acceptable to me. As I look back through the chapters of my life I realize that choices I have made have altered my ability to obtain some of my life manual goals. Have I short changed myself or just changed my mind?