Monday blues...........

I deserve to have the Monday blues.
Besides going into work at 6:30AM, I broke a filling out of my back tooth and had to go sit in the dentist chair. Of course while at the dentist he also saw another tooth that was missing part of a filling so he drilled BOTH of them. For those of you who are not aware I am extremely phobic of the dentist and will go to great lengths to avoid going. I took two anti-anxiety pills just to get there today since I knew drilling was going to be involved. Don't laugh at me cause I really am a freak about going! I can not even tell you how many appointments I have ditched out on and had to pay for because I didn't cancel in time. The dentist I use to see had a plan all worked out with me. When I got there I was immediately taken back (can't be trusted in waiting room cause I have bolted) and begin giving me happy gas. I don't care how much extra it cost it was the only way to get me to open up my mouth. Do to old age this dentist retired and left me high and dry. Well he did bring in a new dentist but him and I had a instant disliking to each other. I believe it was when he told me to be patient as he worked since was being patient with me. Patient hell! I was paying him! You can guess I didn't go back to him. The place I go to now is alright I guess except for the smell and the noises of the drill, and whole putting their hands in my mouth part. I better stop with this subject or I am going to need to call for another pill. lol
So I think between the 10hours at work and the dentist appointment I am justified in having the Monday blues. What am I saying I don't have to justify it cause it just will be..................

What is that smell?

What is that smell?
That smell is SKUNK. Ah yes, at 5:30AM my bad boy puppy stuck his head in a moving bush and got his face sprayed. Now to make this story worse my bad boy husband who must have had his common sense melted by the smell lets the dog in the house and of course the puppy jumps right into my lap. WTF is the only phrase that fit the moment. When I stopped gagging, I stripped off my clothes, and got online to find out what to do. The first remedy called for tomato juice which of course I didn't have because why would I have it when I need it. The next remedy I found I had all the ingredients so away I went making it. So just to give you a visual there is my husband who is stripped down to his briefs, me stripped down to my panties and the dog all standing to the tub together. After we coated him with the paste I made we had to keep him from doing the doggy shake for 5 minutes before we could start rinsing him off and then shampooing him two more times. I believe that the smell may be burned into my naval cavity because I have been smelling it all day. Can you believe that after all that I still made it to work by 7:30am. I know my Jeep can't go the speed of light but I believe my guardian angel helped me safely fly there. Yes, I stopped at the store on my way home and purchased two bottles of tomato juice. Yes, my little puppy still smells but not as bad but just bad enough that the cat keeps stalking him. Can anyone beat that for a crazy Wednesday morning?

PS - Just a FYI if your puppy is white and gets sprayed by a skunk you can at least see it some because its kind of yellowish. Did you know skunk spray is yellowish cause you do now?

Exposing myself on a list again..........

Alright I am a type A personality so I love,love,love list. Any kind of list too. I feel so much more in control of me when I have a list. At any given time I will have 4 or 5 list going. I will have a typical grocery list, errands to run list, to do projects for the house, titles of books I want to look for at the used book store, list of projects to do when I can afford, list of schedule/calendar of the week. I will also make the good and bad of a issue to help me solve which route I am going to take and what the possible consequences are going to be. Yes, I may be a girl but I don't like making decisions in a emotional haste like others. Anyway............... What I have decided to do is make one of my famous list (which you should feel honored or maybe cursed to read. ha-ha) of what is spinning around in my head causing this disconnect and numb state. I know that many will read this and believe that these are trivial little issues or not worth worrying about issues or even issues that are so cut and dry they shouldn't be on my list BUT it is not any of those for me. And please let me point out that I do make what I am grateful for list as well. I am not sure why I am choosing to write my list as a post except that I have began to use this blog as a type of journal.
Oh by the way when making list regarding my personal stuff I tend to make a negative and positive and then a dream list to compare.

Negative:

• Feel very trapped in a job that I don't really like in the corporate cut throat world. (Little side bar history - I only took this position in the finance department to get my foot in the door five years ago. My degree and creativeness is in marketing)
• Even though I need this job (pays the mortgage,medical benefits for hubby and me) it appears by the project I am on they are working on a computer program to replace me. (This scares me because historically when this company down sizes and eliminate people there is no warning and my bank account is not prepared for that)
• Husband still has two months of probation with this new company before he can be hired on permanently. That is assuming that this car company can hang on since others aren't.
• Money - the root of all evil around here! We are still cleaning up the mess that my husband created last year that I have spoke about in prior post. We still can not seem to get ahead to pay this debt down. I consolidated and moved all hidden debt he created over to one credit card that I negotiated a 1.99% interest rate with. We have until January 09 to get that paid down before I have to try and move it another lower rate card. Not sure if I can get that great of a rate again since I am sure our credit record is not so good since he was quietly not paying the bills. Long story but YES I learned my lesson about keeping involved with the home finances.
• Both of our cars our older and guzzle fuel but we are not a situation to trade them in. Plus I drive a Jeep because of the winter weather that I commute in. I hydroplaned on black ice a few years back and ended up taking out two trees before sliding into the ditch so I like the safety of a SUV for my commute.
• My house needs a new roof and I don't know if it will make it another year. It is two story so that cost more and to make matters worse it is going to need a complete removal because it has three layers. Let's just say the last estimate came to the tune of $11,000.00 and that was at the beginning of the season before the gas prices went off the charts. I know what you are thinking just sell the house and then you won't need to buy a roof and you could pay off your debt BUT in order to sell it we would need to get the roof done so it would pass inspection and I won't even mention the eletrictrial that would need to be addressed. This is charming 1926 red brick home with wonderful character but a whole lot of expense issues that need to be fixed. When we bought this house 11 years ago the building inspector did warn us about a new roof in a year or two so waiting 9 years has really pushed our luck. Ah yes young and dumb and this was our first home.
• Me - still haven't gotten on a strict diet and I gained 7 pounds more since I quit smoking in January. (Yes, I still miss smoking daily!!) I need to get back on schedule of walking my little bad boy by the marina. That helps him and me. I need to start cutting back on my outside commitments and focus on me more in a positive way. Need to address - weight, lack of exercise, lack of meditating/praying, lack of doing fun activities,
• Husband - still lack of intimacy, still lack of expressing verbally emotions, lack of compliments or positive words of encouragement, still lacks of seeing the big picture of debt and paying them off, still lack of permanent employment (he is really trying on this one), still lack of quitting smoking, still lack of getting on healthy routine.

Positive

• I have a job where I make enough money to pay mortgage. I do have a complete benefit package. If I do end up losing my job to a computer program I will get at least a months worth of salary and I can file for unemployment so I won't lose the house.
• At least we have vehicles that are running even though they are older. My Jeep is bigger so I feel safer in it. Both cars are paid for so there we don't have car payments!! Yippee, one less bill!
• House - I am within owning it outright in less than 10 years. I love the character of a older home with the open concept and the natural woodwork. It is brick so the outside maintenance is minimal. I love the sitting area on the front porch where I can read and watch the world go by.
• Money- not much of it but the household bills are current. We have learned how to make do with what we have and not buy just to buy. We don't eat out often (maybe twice a month), we don't stop for beverages like coffee,soda,or water instead we take one with us from home (just a side note that grabbing a beverage while you are out is going to have a 100% mark up over bringing it from home) We have learned we don't need to go out to festivals, fairs, and concerts to enjoy the summer because we can enjoy the summer in the backyard in the pool and cooking out and inviting friends over to sit around the fire pit laughing about life.
• Me - I am still smoke free since January 3rd of this year. I may have weight to lose but I still take care of fixing myself up nicely. I have natural blond hair which isn't as common as men would like to believe. I am caring,passionate,tenderhearted, and not afraid to say what is on my mind (well that is not always a positive I guess) I am tough so I am not afraid of hard work or scary people. I tan nicely and have a good one going since I sit outside and read a lot. I always,always have a book with me. I will read just about any type of book with the exception of those paperback romance stories that sell for 50 cents at the used book store.
• Husband - first person I will run to when the world has beaten me up. He always makes be feel safe when I am afraid.( and no he is no Popeye in his 31X31 jeans, and medium flannel shirt but for some reason I just know he could slay a dragon for me). He does over half of work at keeping the house maintained (please note I am not taking about deep cleaning because he has selective eyesight and does not see dust or floors that need be vacuumed, and he thinks that a closet is clean as long as nothing falls out when you open it.) He is a wonderful cook and cleans up his mess as he goes along. He brings humor to my life and has shown me how to have fun.

I am tired of the corporate politics and the backstabbing and the living in a cube for up ten hours a day. I am tired of worrying about the finances and the responsibilities of this household. I am just tired of being answer person for so many. I am tired of feeling emotional neglected and sexually neglected. I am tired of living in the city and watching neighborhoods slowly be destroyed by the negative influence of corruption.

Dreamworld:

Leave the corporate world and work from home doing part time freelance marketing or writing or work for Hallmark making greeting cards on my computer. Any would be fine as long as it is part time because the rest of the time I want to maintain my home in the country. I want to hang clothes on a clothes line, I want to have garden to grow all my own fresh veggies in, I want a apple tree so I can make fresh pies, I want some berry bushes so I can make cobblers, I want my husband to be honest, openly verbal with his love, passionate, enjoy a wife that would like to take care of him, and of course he will need to have a secure job making enough money so I don't have to worry about finances. I really just want a simpler life where I don't have to carry the burdens of it all. It doesn't have to be a huge farm house with a lot of acres nor does it have to be fancy full of purchases from Crate and Barrel (a nice set of dishes and pots/pans would be good) it just needs to a place we can call home. ( I really would like a fireplace though) :)

So, now that I have listed out the good, the bad, and the fairytale I need to find a way to be comfortable where I am and find peace with me and figure out what can I live with and what can I not live with so I don't have to be comfortably numb..........................

What is the right answer?

How do you feel?
That is the question.
I was listening to the radio when the chorus of a song came on and "how do you feel" was what they were singing. I realized after hearing that I am not sure what I feel. But writing for me is a way of making sense of what is spinning around it my head. When I write I feel some control over things, however illusory that is.
In the physical sense I am alright besides two mosquito bites that are driving me insane, a cut on my foot that is slowly healing, and heavy eyelids (I am very sleepy).
In the mental sense I don't exactly know how I feel. I sit quietly alone in my mind attempting to figure out how I feel. Have I stayed comfortably numb for so long that I don't recognize my own emotions? Would it sound horrible if I said I am often afraid of not staying numb? And would it be terrible to admit I hate what I have become?
Where do I begin to fix me?

Is it to early?

No, really is it to early to go to bed on a Saturday night at 7? I am really sleepy,our 4th of July party was great and the fireworks were fabulous and the weather perfect but I stayed up way to late and got up to early. Thanks to neighbors and their lack of common sense they continued setting off fireworks till at 2am so I was awake till early this morning. Yes, this is the same neighbors who have been testing their fireworks for over a week each evening after 10 and yes the same neighbors that will continue to set off fireworks for at least another week. ggrrrrr (my dog has taught me to growl now) Oh, speaking of my dog (his name is Romeo) I got to tell you a funny story about him before I go to rest my eyes. Yesterday at the party my little man Romeo was making the rounds sporting his new flag bandanna being all cute and doing tricks for everyone and I am sure getting plenty of treats. Anyway he partied like a rock star with us all evening long not missing a second of the action. In fact he didn't go to bed till I did last night. So this morning as I go to pet him I see he has a ketchup spot stuck to the side of his head and something sticky on his back(I think it was fruit pizza) and his little belly was just bulging. After he went out to do his morning business he walks about ten feet and just lays down. The dude was to tired to even walk back in the house. He refused to get up and come in so I looked both ways to ensure my neighbors weren't wandering around and I slipped outside in my not appropriate pj's to pick him up. Talk about dead weight! He sure felt like he weighed a lot more than his normal 21 pounds. My boy has a picnic hangover!! Oh, sure he got his bath today and went for a short ride to the pool chemical store with the hubby but other than that he has been just laying around nursing his hangover. He is so bad he didn't even get up and chase the squirrel that tortures him daily. Ah yes he is proof you can have a hangover without evening drinking. So judging the party by the great time Romeo had I would say the party was a success! I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful time this independence day.

Hope you have a happy 4th

I really don't have time for my usual blah blah but I just wanted to take a moment and wish everyone a safe and Happy 4th of July!
I am having my usual huge cookout party. We start in the afternoon and go well into the night. Over this last week people that will be coming to this party drop off their bikes in my garage so on the 4th after we cookout, play in pool,and bathe in OFF, we all hop on our bikes and ride down to the fireworks. It is so much easier biking than fighting with the traffic. Once the show is over we ride back here and sit around the fire pit and eat dessert while the traffic around the city calms down. The timing works out great so none of my guest are trapped in traffic.
No late night net surfing for me tonight or I won't get my TO DO list completed. I already have the potato salad completed and the brownies are in the oven and I will start the homemade salsa next. Oh my goodness the brownies are making the whole house smell wonderful and I believe I am going to have to taste test one as soon as they get cool enough to not burn the roof of my mouth. So this years dessert is a brownie served with homemade ice cream and homemade Carmel sauce. (yes I said homemade) Now before you going thinking I am some kind of super hero that can pull all of this together without a problem and still work the nine hours I did today please note that I have been mastering this event for many years now and I have a wonderful husband who has run to the grocery store twice for me, plus I am a type A personality so I have list everywhere. lol
Hey there goes the oven timer so back to the kitchen I go..........
I hope you enjoy the holiday weekend.
Happy 4th of July!!

polticial rant.....

I really don't voice my political views often but today I am going to have to rant for a second. First of all it is very sad to me that out of all the people in the United States we end up these two yahoos as our candidates. And let me also state that I am not one bit impressed when one candidate finds it necessary to bash the other just to make themselves look better. If you can't stand on your own merit without bashing the other there is a problem. Now I am not saying that stating negative facts about each other is completely wrong because by doing this it causes us to investigate into them further I am talking about the true personal bashing. So, to make a long story short (I know a little to late) I found the following in a article and thought it was a rather good come back.

McCain himself said, "If that's the kind of campaign Sen. Obama and his surrogates and supporters want to engage in, I understand that. But it doesn't reduce the price of gas by one penny. It doesn't achieve our energy independence or make it come any closer. Doesn't make any American stay in their home who's at risk of losing it today. And it certainly doesn't do anything to address the challenges Americans have in keeping their jobs, homes and supporting their families."

Not many comments have been made by either that I would bother posting but this one at least is on the track I would like the candidates to stick too.

Hhhhmmmm 100 goals.........

The guy Ian that I wrote about last has sold his life and now is on to a new adventure. He is putting together this site called a 100 goals in a 100 weeks that he wants to do. Interesting that I would have put a couple of the same goals on mine. Anyway I thought it would be fun to list a few goals I would want if I had the freedom that he has and the funds.

1. Would love to go down and see the Titanic. (I might have a bit of a issue in the small vessel going down but once we are there all will be good)
2. Scuba diver in the top 5 locations. (including Christ of the deep)
3. See the Northern Lights
4. Skydive (would probably need to be pushed out of the plane) Maybe para sailing would be a better idea.
5. Go visit the following - Italy, Australia, Sweden, France,Belize,Israel, oh and stop off in Paris on my way back just so I can say I was there. :)
6. Definitely go stay at one of those elite vacation spots on the tropical islands that the stars go to so they can get away. The ones where the large spa bathtub is overlooking the sunset.
7. Get the funding to open a large farm home that autistic adults can live in and work on so they don't have to go to overcrowded group homes that are in the city where they get lost in the system and sometimes just forgotten.
8. Also want to fund raise for enough funds to open another large farm home where people can go to stay and feel safe as they are going through the journey of dealing with abuse. A place where it is like a sanctuary for them to bear their pain, express their emotions, stay to rest and deal and heal.
9. Want to volunteer to go with the Red Cross throughout the United States. in times of crisis.
10. Volunteer work at a no kill animal sanctuary.
11. Get on a completely healthy eating plan, lose weight,get a totally tone body.
12. Leave the corporate world of work, sell my home in the city, and move to rural area and live a simple life once I get done with the goals above.

That is enough goals for now. What would your goals be if you had the money and no responsibilities? I would love for you to share .................