Secret Urge.............

I have been living in this comfortably numb state going through the motions of the every day responsibilities of life and for the most part doing alright with that but then every once in a while I have these urges. I have a secret urge that I wouldn't usually share but will since I am anonymous here it is - I want to hook up with a lover and spend a whole day having hot passionate sex and be as raw with emotions as I want. I want raw passion without any commitment or expectations or consequences. I would enjoy sharing emotions of passion and sharing what ever might be on my mind if I knew that I could do it without having it haunt me when the day is over. I think it's kinda hot to fantasize about a day like that. I don't know what makes it hotter the passion or the raw emotion. Since this idea will mostly likely not happen considering who I am I think I will just sit here and create the day in my head and list here all the details I would like.

• Hotel room with large king size bed with lots of pillows and hot tub in the room
• The only light in the room is created by candles
• Temperature in room should be a bit cool since we will be heating up most of the day
• Assortment of lotions,toys,body food,rope (just in case)
• Lover who can not get enough of me and only has pleasing me on his mind (this is my fantasy) He also will match my raw emotion with his own version of raw emotion that goes with the moment. (other than that he should only make pleasurable noises or suggestions)
• Ability to order room service (will need food to regain strength)
• Bubbles and rose petals for the hot tub
• All the goodies needed like shampoo,soap,lotion,nail polish (Side note - I have always had this ultimate fantasy of a lover giving me a bath from soaping me up to putting lotion on me after the bath)

So there we have it my secret urge that I have played in my mind more than once when my state of comfortably numb just isn't enough. I must admit it is hot putting my list together and I didn't even mention any of the positions that I had in mind. Better save that for a later entry........

Me Surrender?

Alright maybe saying to surrender to problems is a bit to much over the top for me to accept. The word surrender means :

• to yield (something) to the possession or power of another
• to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc
• to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.

Yes, I guess I do see the word as synonym for victim. And we all know how I feel about the use of that word. Maybe I better explain - if a action occurs out of a persons control they are a victim of it and I totally understand and support them BUT if someone decides to be a victim because of things that have occured and continue to give their power up I have issues. Letting go of what has happened is terrifying because then you have address getting better but if you don't well then you live with the sorrow and anger and being powerless. Anyway instead of using the word surrender I am going with the word deal. And boy oh boy do I have a lot to deal with lately. My plan is: Deal with what I need to deal with, secretly wallow in it for short bit, then get up make a plan and walk away. If I don't deal with my own form of madness I will not move forward in my quest to better myself. I want to come through the eye of the storm (maybe bruised and skinned up) but changed and moving forward. It will be interesting to see who will still be a active part of my life as I go through this journey because not all people choice to move forward to better themselves. I will not abandon people because they don't want to move forward just because I want to but I would think they may not be as active in my life as before since I will be on the move. Hopefully they will get inspired by me moving and want to start their own journey. I decided in May 2007 that I needed to begin this journey of figuring out who I really am and what do I really want. It is a slow process and one that is not always pleasant but one that I must do so all of the broken pieces that still cling to me fall away and vanish. I have been told that everything I need to already inside of me so I guess all I need to do now is find it. Anyone got a x-ray machine I could borrow so I can make sure it's really in there?

Don't do well with victims.........

I have this major issue with people that act like they are victims to life. I am not a cold hearted bit@h that doesn't understand that bad things happen to people (God knows I have had my share) I am talking about when people choice to just continue to blame their behavior and or mood on that incident and the people that blame other people for what is happening to them like they don't have a choice for themselves. I just want to be real and say we as adults have no one to blame but ourselves for our decisions today. I do believe that our childhood and past can shape who we are and have a influence in how we may chose to approach present issues but it is still up to us on how we will address today. I had some horrific incidents that occurred to me as a child BUT I refuse to be a victim to those issues and live in it today. No, I am not living in denial because I do acknowledge that it occurred, what I am saying is I rather be a survivor and learn from what happen to me than a victim of what happen and sit on the pity pot. Everyone has bad things happen to them but I think it is what you do with it that determines who you are. I think it is much easier to be a victim and just except the negative that comes with it and continue to blame the person or incident for your problems BUT you need to remember that by doing this you are still a victim and still giving your power to them. Being a survivor to a tragic event or to terrible people is not easy because it means you have to deal with what happen,acknowledge how it has effected you, get past the pain and take responsibility for your actions today. I think it is a struggle to be a survivor but I believe that by being this you win because you are no longer allowing the negative to win and keep you a victim. I don't win everyday being a survivor, in fact I still unfortunately have the evidence of a Ben&Jerry carton and one less vacation day at work and pj's with a ice cream stain to remind me of the day recently I decided to hide and not be a survivor. The point I am trying to make is we all should take accountability for what we decide to do and how we are going to act without blaming others. We are responsible for us! All of this ranting is because I contacted someone close to me that I dearly care about and they spent our entire time together being on the pity pot with the poor me people make me this way attitude and it just frustrated me so much that I had to express it somewhere. Don't give up or give in to the victim role cause life is short and you deserve better and you have the power to have better.......

Personal TO DO list for the moment....

Yes, this posting is very similar to one I just wrote recently but I didn't get the message the first time so I am reenforcing again for me!
Time sure can slip by quickly so I have written a personal TO DO list that I want to accomplish for me! I have learned that in order for me to stay focused and on track I need to make a list to work from. Making a list has become such a habit and a security blanket that when I am feeling overwhelmed I can feel less stressed if I make a list of what needs to be done. Does anal retentive come to mind? Yeah,yeah well I didn't say I didn't have issues!

So here are some of my current personal TO DO list I am working on:

• Quit smoking (been a month without them already)
• Read more books. (finished 3 books in January)
• Must learn how to use all my electronic devices like my new phone, digital camera, DVR machine, video camera. (ugh - I have to read manuals instead of pushing buttons till something works)
• Take a room at a time in my house cleaning, purging, organizing, and decorating. (started in the office/spare room but still need to finish it)
• Learn not to take anything personally. Everyone is acting out their own preconceptions and I don't have to take people's reactions or opinions personally. (wow if I can really put this one into action I will be really making progress) <-- not doing well so far
• Incorporating a better eating/exercising program that also includes more water and less coffee (working on cutting down coffee intake to less than double digit cups per day)
• Will continue to keep a balance of work and play even if I pick up part time job for a few months. (so far so good staying between 40-45 hours at work and no more)
• Working on making me happy. I am only responsible for taking care of me and my needs so I better learn to do a better job. (no not saying I am going to neglect hubby and his need for desserts but I am saying only do it if it makes me happy and not because I feel "have to")
• Journal for me so I can review to look for progress and areas that need more attention. ( this blog has helped the journal concept)

These are a few of the challenges I have given myself so I can attempt to move forward in this ever changing crazy life. What challenge have you made for yourself?