Not forever..........

My absence is not forever. I WILL BE BACK - and I will be sassier than ever...............

Snow.......

I stepped to a new low for me and yet I feel invigorated! It had been a painfully long day that started at 5:30am and ended at 6:30pm with the "incident". To give the history of why the day was long let's start with when I woke up.
First --> Jumped in shower, got ready for work, put a load of laundry in the washer, took out chicken for dinner, woke up the two sleepy head children, cleaned snow off the Jeep, and left for work.Next --> tried to remain calm as I drove along side of dumb azz drivers that seem to forget how to drive in the snow. (HELLO - it snows here every winter so what is the problem)
Then --> worked all day, cleaned snow off the Jeep again, and drove along more dumb azz drivers to my doctors appointment, have appointment with this new specialist that had me come in for just a fricking consult (which I just know is going to cost me $300.00 and my insurance will not pay), cleaned snow off Jeep again, after that I drove along more dumb azz drivers to drop off some paperwork and go get the kids.
And Then --> Picked up the kids who by the way didn't have school so they were wild with cabin fever and I drove along more dumb azz drivers to go to the grocery store, we only went shopping for a few sale items, then I cleaned snow off Jeep again, went home, unloaded and put away groceries,changed from work attire to snow removal attire and proceeded outside to to shovel. I will note that having additional hands even though they are small hands definitely helps. Once outside I had to make the kids take off their gloves and "Rock-Paper-Scissors" for who got to use the orange shovel. (yes, that game is how we solve who goes first or who gets what arguments) I spent the next hour or so snow blowing and shoveling the 13" of snow we received yesterday for my house and of course I had to take care of the sidewalk for my 72 year old widow neighbor and for my neighbor who is on vacation in Florida. Since I have a corner house I already have double the amount of sidewalk as everyone else so that was a lot of snow removal that I did. I really don't like my husband working second shift cause I feel responsible for way to much.
And Then --> once in the house after the snow removal was done I had the kids do the wet clothes removal, I then changed clothes, decided chicken would take to long to cook so I made pizza, thumbed through the mail, and ran the wet clothes down to the laundry and switched over the load from the morning into the dryer.
AND THEN IT HAPPEN --> while downstairs doing clothes I heard it, then it felt like slow motion as I ran up the stairs as fast as I could and scurried out the back door only to witness but not be able to stop the city plow burying my driveway. Needless to say there was nothing I could do but spew many curse words and pick up a handful of snow make a snowball and throw it at the plow truck. Yep, had myself a bit of a fit on the porch cursing and throwing a snowball but for some unknown reason it felt invigorating launching that snowball. As I type this my defiant behavior of throwing a snowball still makes me smile. Thank goodness the kids did not see me throw that snowball or I would have to use the good old line "do as I say and not as I do."

The rather sad fact is all this happen on Tuesday therefore there are still three long working days ahead and the evil weather man says more snow by Friday.Again I am forced to remember that if I would have listened to my grandpa and not married a Yankee I wouldn't be up here in this fricking snowy cold state....................................

Time is sneaking by.........

Well damn we are 36 days into this new year already and I am yet to write a fun filled creative post! Where has the inspired, sassy, creative, border line outspoken me gone. (Did you smirk when you read the borderline outspoken part?) Am I just to exhausted from cleaning up others messes (and I don't mean spilled milk) or just to tired since I have been plagued with anxiety attacks that have been waking me up at night or has the 12 hour a day schedule I keep finally caught up to me. REGARDLESS - what is causing this I will be finding a way to correct it and be back sassier than ever. I did say that 2010 will be the year for me to have some good changes...........

One word answers

A friend sent me this last week and I am finally getting around to doing it and thought I would post it here too.

USING ONLY ONE WORD Not as easy as you might think! Now forward, change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers.

Where is your cell phone? purse
Significant other? sleeping
Your hair? Blond
Your mother? chatterbox
Your father? Memory
Your favorite thing? Beach
Your dream last night? none
Your favorite drink? Coffee
What room are you in? Office
Your hobby? Writing
Your fear? Hurt
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Warm
where were you last night? Home
Something that you aren’t? Relaxed
Muffins? Banana
Wish list item? Lottery
Last thing you did? Changed
What are you wearing? Boyshorts
TV? music
Your pets? Dog
Friends? Few
Your life? Stressful
Your mood? tipsy
Missing someone? Always
Drinking? Friday!
Your car? Jeep
Something you’re not wearing? Bra!!! ;)
Your favorite store? Kohl's
Your favorite color? Black
When is the last time you cried? Yesterday
Where do you go over and over? Work
My favorite place to eat? Home
Favorite place I’d like to be right now? Beach

One word answers were tough on a few of these. Hey if you decide to post this with your answers on your site please let me know so I can go read..

Hanging on by my pink painted fingernails.......

It's been a month since I last posted and I would love to say it was because I was off having so much fun I lost track of time but no I am afraid not. Since time is not on my side this evening I am going to just highlight the insanity of the month for now and will elaborate when time allows.

• The situation with my sister is still spiralling downward and the children are back living with me and it looks like it will be very long term.



• Work has become extremely unstable and the new structure that I have been working on loading in the system goes "live" tomorrow and I know for a fact it isn't going to go smoothly.



• Went to the doctor for a routine yearly check up and she found issues. The doctor has referred me to two specialist. The first specialist took a biopsy last week and the other specialist I haven't seen yet. This subject is definitely one I will need to write a whole post on.



• Husband and I are still great roommates but that is the extent of it. The subject is now unapproachable.
  


• The roof on my home that I was told years back to get replaced is now forcing me to get estimates and address the issue. I am not exactly sure how I am going to finance this but it has to be done before leak damage starts.

Well there are the highlights of the insanity that has me hanging on by my pink painted fingernails. I keep watching for a hand to reach out to me and pull in off this ledge........

Is silence really golden?

The silence in the house is haunting and comforting at the same time. After spending the last four plus months with me the children have now gone back home. Seeing the happiness they express being with their parents makes me happy for them but there is also this nagging worry of fear that this is not over and I try to keep that hidden from everyone. I know that my worry stems from fear and trust issues but that doesn't make it any easier to handle -just easier to identify with it. I want to believe more than anything that my sister and her husband are getting their shi# together and would never go back to where they were. I guess time will help ease some of the worry. As far as the trusting issue I am not sure what will help with that. Ah yes the dreaded not trusting issue rears it's ugly head again. A time not so long ago I would have said that my sister was one of the only people in this world that I trust to tell all my deep dark secrets too. We once had this open honest relationship where we trusted each other. I haven't felt the same since all the lies about the drug use surfaced. I am working on forgiving and letting it be in the past but I am standoffish when it comes to trusting. I hate that about myself and would like to change it but it seems to be a self protecting trait that is embedded rather deep in my personality. I am not saying that if you make a mistake or tell me a white lie that I will never trust you again because I am much easier going than that. The losing of trust with me usually comes with a series of large lies or purposely hurting me for your own advantage.
This silence haunts me when I feel that emptiness caused by the children being gone and the silence comforts me by allowing me to hear my thoughts.
.

daydreaming about night things..........

Today here is where I chose to put down in writing the chaos that haunts my thoughts lately. What is enough to make one stay in a relationship instead of leaving? Is having someone who helps take care of all the house responsibilities enough? Is having someone who cares for you when your sick or sad enough? Is having someone that makes you feel safe when your scared, happy when you are sad, protected when you feel vulnerable enough? I have all of these things with my husband and he is my best friend but yet I miss physical touch and intimacy so badly that I am not the same person anymore. No, he is not physically challenged and can't touch me - he just doesn't. This is a subject that I try to speak to him about but he will not talk about it. When I speak to him I have tried every way of approaching it and nothing seems to help. I can sit and talk to him and beg him to talk about it and he will act as though I am not even there. He just refuses to talk about it to the point that I have had a screaming fit because he won't talk to me and I even threatened to get a "pool boy". I have never ever in the almost twenty years of knowing each other ever told him "no" or " I have a headache" so for him to reject me constantly hurts. When I really sit and think about it this didn't just start overnight and has been slowly leading up to this. For the last few years he would just give in after I had thrown a big enough fit and not let the subject go but now he has just stopped. I have tried to explain how horrible it makes me feel as a woman but apparently that doesn't matter. I don't understand why such a caring man would be so selfish as to not even try to talk this out. If there was some reason to why he is not I would try to understand. I really don't believe there is another woman either because his schedule is very routine without any questionable time periods or missing funds. It would be very difficult for him to be having an affair. I wonder if it is me. I can understand that I am older and heavier than I was when we meet but I am not a ogre and I still get flirted with when out. Heck I am a forty year old very girlie style blond with blue eyes and a caring heart and a good job AND I am open to being creative in the bedroom. So how bad can I be? I find myself getting snapping at him over the smallest things and I know it is because I am so over frustrated and a cold shower is just not cutting it. As people read this I am sure they are thinking I should be grateful that I am married to a man that has so many other wonderful qualities and I really am grateful for those qualities BUT today I am just really frustrated. I am not saying that physical touch and intimacy is everything but geez I miss it. And yes it would be safe to say that I am daydreaming about night things in the middle of the afternoon................
.

No fun filled exciting life over here.............

I wish I could say that the reason why I haven't been around lately is because I have been off having a amazing life filled with fun and excitement BUT no the reason for my absence is because life has been keeping me so busy that I can't seem to slow down long enough to write. In my last post I mentioned spending some time in here giving a life status update and about 5 minutes after I typed that I received a call from a friend in need so I forfeited my blog time. I will find a way to balance this crazy life of mine to include blog time. I am actually making some head way lately but I will write more about that in the next post. Wow, last time I wrote was before Thanksgiving. Of course I had Thanksgiving here at my house which went well. We were expecting more people than showed but 11 was plenty. I scaled back this year on the amount of different side dishes and desserts I made without anyone even mentioning something was missing. After dinner the men went to the TV room to watch sports, the kids huddled into the front room to watch the movie I rented them (Santa Buddies), and us girls began strategically plot out our Black Friday shopping plan. Believe me when I tell you there is a art to planning out how to get the best buys in the shortest amount of time with the shortest amount of stores to go to. To ensure that goal was met I did cheat just a little and shopped online Thanksgiving night at the Boston Store. This year since the stores were either open all night or really early we decided not to even bother going to sleep before we left. In the past the three of us girls have napped in my bed for a few hours before we left but not this year. (Oh yes, I am sure many comments are made by men about us three girls sleeping together and how lucky my husband is to witness this - but just to burst your visual bubble we are fully dressed except for our shoes)Well, before this post goes down a completely different road talking about why guys think girls together is hot I am going to end this post and go put another load of laundry in. For the love of God I can not figure out how we end up with so much laundry for four people.

Pumkin Head

Pumkin head is going to get you! Well, for as long as it took me to make this dang thing I felt like I was going to turn into the pumkin head. Can you tell it is suppose to look like my Jack Russell Terrier? So when I was at work thinking this up it seemed like a fun idea but that evening after a hour of working on it I was having second thoughts.
As you can tell by the date I am rather late posting it. Even though I haven't been here faithfully lately I still really have been thinking about my blog. In fact I have a few rough drafts I have written that I will be posting this weekend. The kids are spending time with their parents this weekend. Assuming all goes well I will have this evening free and I plan on coming back to post. I suggest you grab a cup of coffee or beer or glass of wine and a snack cause I have so much to tell you................

I need more hours in the day...........

I miss being here in blog world, I miss having wine in the evening, I miss long quiet hot bubble bathes, I miss the freedom of being irresponsible, and I miss many other parts of my life but currently time does not allot for them now that I am temporary guardian of my sisters children. What is my typical daily schedule like you ask - well here it goes.........

5:20am - Alarm clock goes off and I groan softly as I hit the snooze button
5:30am - Alarm clock goes off again and this time I get up and start the day.
5:30 to 6:30am - make coffee, take a shower, get ready for work, let the dog out, and wake the kids
6:30 to 6:45am - tell the kids again to get moving, get their breakfast ready, remind them of any evening plans we may have and remind them to be good.
6:45 to 7:00am - Drive very quickly to work in attempt to make a 25 minute drive 15 minutes. Also call mom to ensure she is up getting the other two children ready to go to school.
7:00am to 4:15/4:30 - work (as you can see I have scaled back my hours at the office)
4:30pm to 4:45pm - Drive very quickly to pick up kids in attempt to make a 25 minute drive 15 minutes. Also listen to voice mails and answer phone calls
4:50 to 5:15pm - get the kids to clean up any messes at mom's, collect their book bags, get a report on behavior from mom and load them up to get home.
5:30 to 6:30 pm - let dog out, make dinner, feed the kids dinner, clean up dinner mess, and begin the evening ritual of tending to them.
6:30 to 8:00pm - go over homework, tell them to stop arguing, reminding them of hands off each one policy, lead them to bathroom to take bath and brush teeth, help them get their clothes out for the next day, make constant deals of "if you be good" we can do this on the weekend.
8:00 to 9:00pm - get them to wind down and get ready for bed, have them put away or finish any game we are playing, lead them to bed to lay down and watch a half hour of TV (which sometimes puts them to sleep)
9:00 to 10:00pm - run around cleaning up the evening messes, put away the dinner dishes, make lunches for the next day, go do a load of never ending laundry, make any calls that need to be made, try to get through the mail pile and pay bills, do any work I have brought home from the office, and let dog out one more time
10:00 to 10:30pm - attempt to stay awake and watch the news.
10:30 to 11:40pm - sleep
11:40 to 12:00am - awake up make pot of coffee for hubby and chat with hubby who gets home from second shift.
12:00 to 5:20am - try to sleep straight through without waking up with a anxiety attack.

Of course this is just the basics of what I am trying to accomplish in a day without the extras like grocery store trips, shopping for Halloween costumes, having birthday parties, kids having sleep overs, and all the other things that go with children in our life. If I could just get a couple more hours in my day................