Is silence really golden?

The silence in the house is haunting and comforting at the same time. After spending the last four plus months with me the children have now gone back home. Seeing the happiness they express being with their parents makes me happy for them but there is also this nagging worry of fear that this is not over and I try to keep that hidden from everyone. I know that my worry stems from fear and trust issues but that doesn't make it any easier to handle -just easier to identify with it. I want to believe more than anything that my sister and her husband are getting their shi# together and would never go back to where they were. I guess time will help ease some of the worry. As far as the trusting issue I am not sure what will help with that. Ah yes the dreaded not trusting issue rears it's ugly head again. A time not so long ago I would have said that my sister was one of the only people in this world that I trust to tell all my deep dark secrets too. We once had this open honest relationship where we trusted each other. I haven't felt the same since all the lies about the drug use surfaced. I am working on forgiving and letting it be in the past but I am standoffish when it comes to trusting. I hate that about myself and would like to change it but it seems to be a self protecting trait that is embedded rather deep in my personality. I am not saying that if you make a mistake or tell me a white lie that I will never trust you again because I am much easier going than that. The losing of trust with me usually comes with a series of large lies or purposely hurting me for your own advantage.
This silence haunts me when I feel that emptiness caused by the children being gone and the silence comforts me by allowing me to hear my thoughts.
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daydreaming about night things..........

Today here is where I chose to put down in writing the chaos that haunts my thoughts lately. What is enough to make one stay in a relationship instead of leaving? Is having someone who helps take care of all the house responsibilities enough? Is having someone who cares for you when your sick or sad enough? Is having someone that makes you feel safe when your scared, happy when you are sad, protected when you feel vulnerable enough? I have all of these things with my husband and he is my best friend but yet I miss physical touch and intimacy so badly that I am not the same person anymore. No, he is not physically challenged and can't touch me - he just doesn't. This is a subject that I try to speak to him about but he will not talk about it. When I speak to him I have tried every way of approaching it and nothing seems to help. I can sit and talk to him and beg him to talk about it and he will act as though I am not even there. He just refuses to talk about it to the point that I have had a screaming fit because he won't talk to me and I even threatened to get a "pool boy". I have never ever in the almost twenty years of knowing each other ever told him "no" or " I have a headache" so for him to reject me constantly hurts. When I really sit and think about it this didn't just start overnight and has been slowly leading up to this. For the last few years he would just give in after I had thrown a big enough fit and not let the subject go but now he has just stopped. I have tried to explain how horrible it makes me feel as a woman but apparently that doesn't matter. I don't understand why such a caring man would be so selfish as to not even try to talk this out. If there was some reason to why he is not I would try to understand. I really don't believe there is another woman either because his schedule is very routine without any questionable time periods or missing funds. It would be very difficult for him to be having an affair. I wonder if it is me. I can understand that I am older and heavier than I was when we meet but I am not a ogre and I still get flirted with when out. Heck I am a forty year old very girlie style blond with blue eyes and a caring heart and a good job AND I am open to being creative in the bedroom. So how bad can I be? I find myself getting snapping at him over the smallest things and I know it is because I am so over frustrated and a cold shower is just not cutting it. As people read this I am sure they are thinking I should be grateful that I am married to a man that has so many other wonderful qualities and I really am grateful for those qualities BUT today I am just really frustrated. I am not saying that physical touch and intimacy is everything but geez I miss it. And yes it would be safe to say that I am daydreaming about night things in the middle of the afternoon................
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No fun filled exciting life over here.............

I wish I could say that the reason why I haven't been around lately is because I have been off having a amazing life filled with fun and excitement BUT no the reason for my absence is because life has been keeping me so busy that I can't seem to slow down long enough to write. In my last post I mentioned spending some time in here giving a life status update and about 5 minutes after I typed that I received a call from a friend in need so I forfeited my blog time. I will find a way to balance this crazy life of mine to include blog time. I am actually making some head way lately but I will write more about that in the next post. Wow, last time I wrote was before Thanksgiving. Of course I had Thanksgiving here at my house which went well. We were expecting more people than showed but 11 was plenty. I scaled back this year on the amount of different side dishes and desserts I made without anyone even mentioning something was missing. After dinner the men went to the TV room to watch sports, the kids huddled into the front room to watch the movie I rented them (Santa Buddies), and us girls began strategically plot out our Black Friday shopping plan. Believe me when I tell you there is a art to planning out how to get the best buys in the shortest amount of time with the shortest amount of stores to go to. To ensure that goal was met I did cheat just a little and shopped online Thanksgiving night at the Boston Store. This year since the stores were either open all night or really early we decided not to even bother going to sleep before we left. In the past the three of us girls have napped in my bed for a few hours before we left but not this year. (Oh yes, I am sure many comments are made by men about us three girls sleeping together and how lucky my husband is to witness this - but just to burst your visual bubble we are fully dressed except for our shoes)Well, before this post goes down a completely different road talking about why guys think girls together is hot I am going to end this post and go put another load of laundry in. For the love of God I can not figure out how we end up with so much laundry for four people.