Pillar is weakened...................

There is a song called "Broken" by LIGHTHOUSE that has so many phrases in this song describe exactly how I am feeling inside but will not express outside of writing it here where I am anonymous. Some like:

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing, I'm in the pain, I'm still holding on...........

Ok, yes I am being a bit dramatic with the song I picked but seriously being the pillar of strength for my family is exhausting. When my dad past away suddenly a few years back my mom mentally absorbed herself in her own grief leaving me the oldest child to step up to become the stable pillar that my five siblings come to. All but one of my siblings were still in their twenties when dad past. We have had our challenges amongst each other and one sister who lives out east still cuts herself off from part of us. In my role I hold secrets and dreams for them, I listen and counsel them, I have been a loan officer ( as dad always said - some of have champagne taste on a beer budget), I am the family event and holiday organizer, I am their sister, and sometimes the parent. Through the years wearing so many hats has been manageable since they seemed to all take turns having issues but lately they have began to gang up on me and three out of five are having serious problems at the same time. Their problems are very different from each other but they are all very stressful and life changing. This is the first time that they are having problems that I can't step in and fix. As you can guess the stay in control part of my personality is not dealing well with this. Each one of my siblings are being forced to make some life changing decisions for themselves. The even worse part of all this is each one has been attempting to keep it from the whole family because of feeling like they failed or are a disappointment. For those of you who don't come from a large family let me just inform you it is almost impossible to keep a family secret (well unless it the children keeping it from the parents) By no means am I saying that I haven't been putting my two sense trying to guide them but I am having to do this in a rather round about way. It is heart breaking watching each one struggle and gut wrenching holding my breath waiting for their choice in the future to unfold. I don't really want to go into detail of the issues they are facing but the subject of the issues are- financial destructing, toxic spouse destroying marriage, and one possible turning to much to alcohol in attempt to drown sorrows. ( say possible because we were brought up with absolutely no alcohol and the sister who told me about this has always been a bit extreme) I know they are all adults and they have to live with their decision but I hurt knowing they are hurting. I wish my dad was here to make it all better...............

A Seeker.....

The mood of the day is frustrated and better throw in there border line cranky too. I am surrounded by people that are choosing to be victims of problems and circumstances instead of solution seekers. There is always a answer to problems - it may not be the answer you want but still it is a answer to the issue which allows you can move forward. Why do people let issues own them and ultimately destroy who they are? I am not saying one has to be tough all the time cause it is only natural to have a bad times - I have days that life gets the best of me and I feel like a hamster running in that plastic ball going no where and then someone kicks that ball down the stairs. But where I try to differ is the thought process after this happens. The people that are victims of problems will blame their bad choices or any other problem on the ball incident feeling sorry for themselves and solution seekers will use the ball incident as a experience and learn from it so they can steer clear from the ball and will share this knowledge with others in hopes they learn from the misfortune and if they end up back in the ball they will remember to just roll with it. I know very well that we can be faced with numerous kicks all at once that leads us into a free falling spin leaving us feeling beaten,hurting, and depressed BUT we must not let that own us. If we let that consume who we are then the people that hurt us with the kicks win. See those people may win the battle that day by kicking BUT we win the war by not letting it define us. Thank your lucky stars I am not in a making a list mood or I would list my demons that cause me to seek solutions and back up plans.............

Till the wave passes

Heart rate is increasing. I can actually feel my heart beating even though it feels like a elephant is sitting on my chest. I begin to take deep breaths trying to calm myself and stop what is coming. My mind begins to race from subject to subject as though it is searching for the exact event to use against me. I am now going into that horrible state of suspense which seems to last forever. Most only go into a state of suspense for that short time when you just know the murderer in the movie is going to get the next victim but you are forced to the edge of your chair waiting. My mind has decides on a event that has happened or might happen and has began picking apart everything negative it can develop about this and feeds it to the worry sensor in me. Now my heart is racing, I'm feel in a state of suspense, and worry consumes me about something that may or may not have happened. This is what a PANIC ATTACK feels like for me. My first attack was almost two years ago and when it happen I had no idea what was happening and thought I was either having heart problems or I was losing my mind. After going to see my doctor about either heart surgery or a nice mental facility she explained it was neither and I was having panic attacks. I was not very open to this diagnosis and requested a test to be run to confirm. How was I to know there was no such test? The doctor explained that there is a prescription that she would give me for these attacks. Knowing that I am not a big fan of taking drugs she explained that I don't have to take it daily and only have to take the pill when I feel a attack coming on. The doctor also stated that I may not have these attacks forever. Sometimes huge amounts of stress or life changing events can trigger the onset of these attacks and sometimes after you have made it through and dealt with these events the attacks will stop. (Huge amounts of stress - HELLO - the death of 7 family members in a 2 year period, dealing with my mom who was extremely mentally fragile, husband betrayed my trust and almost bankrupt us, and have you seen what Obama is doing to this country) Anytime these attacks want to go away is fine with me. I have come a long way since the first panic attack episodes and have now learned how to talk myself down better. In fact I only take one of the pills if the attack is in the evening and it is effecting my ability to sleep or if I wake up in the middle of the night with a attack. (those are the worse) I have learned to take deep lung filling breathes and self talk my way through most attacks now. I know it may sound funny when I say I have to talk rational to my irrational thinking but it works for me. I have also been known to continuously repeat something in my head (like the Lord's prayer) and stay focused repeating it till the wave of panic passes. Not sure why I decided to share this piece of me today but there you have it - another bit of information you really didn't need to know................