Is silence really golden?

The silence in the house is haunting and comforting at the same time. After spending the last four plus months with me the children have now gone back home. Seeing the happiness they express being with their parents makes me happy for them but there is also this nagging worry of fear that this is not over and I try to keep that hidden from everyone. I know that my worry stems from fear and trust issues but that doesn't make it any easier to handle -just easier to identify with it. I want to believe more than anything that my sister and her husband are getting their shi# together and would never go back to where they were. I guess time will help ease some of the worry. As far as the trusting issue I am not sure what will help with that. Ah yes the dreaded not trusting issue rears it's ugly head again. A time not so long ago I would have said that my sister was one of the only people in this world that I trust to tell all my deep dark secrets too. We once had this open honest relationship where we trusted each other. I haven't felt the same since all the lies about the drug use surfaced. I am working on forgiving and letting it be in the past but I am standoffish when it comes to trusting. I hate that about myself and would like to change it but it seems to be a self protecting trait that is embedded rather deep in my personality. I am not saying that if you make a mistake or tell me a white lie that I will never trust you again because I am much easier going than that. The losing of trust with me usually comes with a series of large lies or purposely hurting me for your own advantage.
This silence haunts me when I feel that emptiness caused by the children being gone and the silence comforts me by allowing me to hear my thoughts.
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daydreaming about night things..........

Today here is where I chose to put down in writing the chaos that haunts my thoughts lately. What is enough to make one stay in a relationship instead of leaving? Is having someone who helps take care of all the house responsibilities enough? Is having someone who cares for you when your sick or sad enough? Is having someone that makes you feel safe when your scared, happy when you are sad, protected when you feel vulnerable enough? I have all of these things with my husband and he is my best friend but yet I miss physical touch and intimacy so badly that I am not the same person anymore. No, he is not physically challenged and can't touch me - he just doesn't. This is a subject that I try to speak to him about but he will not talk about it. When I speak to him I have tried every way of approaching it and nothing seems to help. I can sit and talk to him and beg him to talk about it and he will act as though I am not even there. He just refuses to talk about it to the point that I have had a screaming fit because he won't talk to me and I even threatened to get a "pool boy". I have never ever in the almost twenty years of knowing each other ever told him "no" or " I have a headache" so for him to reject me constantly hurts. When I really sit and think about it this didn't just start overnight and has been slowly leading up to this. For the last few years he would just give in after I had thrown a big enough fit and not let the subject go but now he has just stopped. I have tried to explain how horrible it makes me feel as a woman but apparently that doesn't matter. I don't understand why such a caring man would be so selfish as to not even try to talk this out. If there was some reason to why he is not I would try to understand. I really don't believe there is another woman either because his schedule is very routine without any questionable time periods or missing funds. It would be very difficult for him to be having an affair. I wonder if it is me. I can understand that I am older and heavier than I was when we meet but I am not a ogre and I still get flirted with when out. Heck I am a forty year old very girlie style blond with blue eyes and a caring heart and a good job AND I am open to being creative in the bedroom. So how bad can I be? I find myself getting snapping at him over the smallest things and I know it is because I am so over frustrated and a cold shower is just not cutting it. As people read this I am sure they are thinking I should be grateful that I am married to a man that has so many other wonderful qualities and I really am grateful for those qualities BUT today I am just really frustrated. I am not saying that physical touch and intimacy is everything but geez I miss it. And yes it would be safe to say that I am daydreaming about night things in the middle of the afternoon................
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No fun filled exciting life over here.............

I wish I could say that the reason why I haven't been around lately is because I have been off having a amazing life filled with fun and excitement BUT no the reason for my absence is because life has been keeping me so busy that I can't seem to slow down long enough to write. In my last post I mentioned spending some time in here giving a life status update and about 5 minutes after I typed that I received a call from a friend in need so I forfeited my blog time. I will find a way to balance this crazy life of mine to include blog time. I am actually making some head way lately but I will write more about that in the next post. Wow, last time I wrote was before Thanksgiving. Of course I had Thanksgiving here at my house which went well. We were expecting more people than showed but 11 was plenty. I scaled back this year on the amount of different side dishes and desserts I made without anyone even mentioning something was missing. After dinner the men went to the TV room to watch sports, the kids huddled into the front room to watch the movie I rented them (Santa Buddies), and us girls began strategically plot out our Black Friday shopping plan. Believe me when I tell you there is a art to planning out how to get the best buys in the shortest amount of time with the shortest amount of stores to go to. To ensure that goal was met I did cheat just a little and shopped online Thanksgiving night at the Boston Store. This year since the stores were either open all night or really early we decided not to even bother going to sleep before we left. In the past the three of us girls have napped in my bed for a few hours before we left but not this year. (Oh yes, I am sure many comments are made by men about us three girls sleeping together and how lucky my husband is to witness this - but just to burst your visual bubble we are fully dressed except for our shoes)Well, before this post goes down a completely different road talking about why guys think girls together is hot I am going to end this post and go put another load of laundry in. For the love of God I can not figure out how we end up with so much laundry for four people.

Pumkin Head

Pumkin head is going to get you! Well, for as long as it took me to make this dang thing I felt like I was going to turn into the pumkin head. Can you tell it is suppose to look like my Jack Russell Terrier? So when I was at work thinking this up it seemed like a fun idea but that evening after a hour of working on it I was having second thoughts.
As you can tell by the date I am rather late posting it. Even though I haven't been here faithfully lately I still really have been thinking about my blog. In fact I have a few rough drafts I have written that I will be posting this weekend. The kids are spending time with their parents this weekend. Assuming all goes well I will have this evening free and I plan on coming back to post. I suggest you grab a cup of coffee or beer or glass of wine and a snack cause I have so much to tell you................

I need more hours in the day...........

I miss being here in blog world, I miss having wine in the evening, I miss long quiet hot bubble bathes, I miss the freedom of being irresponsible, and I miss many other parts of my life but currently time does not allot for them now that I am temporary guardian of my sisters children. What is my typical daily schedule like you ask - well here it goes.........

5:20am - Alarm clock goes off and I groan softly as I hit the snooze button
5:30am - Alarm clock goes off again and this time I get up and start the day.
5:30 to 6:30am - make coffee, take a shower, get ready for work, let the dog out, and wake the kids
6:30 to 6:45am - tell the kids again to get moving, get their breakfast ready, remind them of any evening plans we may have and remind them to be good.
6:45 to 7:00am - Drive very quickly to work in attempt to make a 25 minute drive 15 minutes. Also call mom to ensure she is up getting the other two children ready to go to school.
7:00am to 4:15/4:30 - work (as you can see I have scaled back my hours at the office)
4:30pm to 4:45pm - Drive very quickly to pick up kids in attempt to make a 25 minute drive 15 minutes. Also listen to voice mails and answer phone calls
4:50 to 5:15pm - get the kids to clean up any messes at mom's, collect their book bags, get a report on behavior from mom and load them up to get home.
5:30 to 6:30 pm - let dog out, make dinner, feed the kids dinner, clean up dinner mess, and begin the evening ritual of tending to them.
6:30 to 8:00pm - go over homework, tell them to stop arguing, reminding them of hands off each one policy, lead them to bathroom to take bath and brush teeth, help them get their clothes out for the next day, make constant deals of "if you be good" we can do this on the weekend.
8:00 to 9:00pm - get them to wind down and get ready for bed, have them put away or finish any game we are playing, lead them to bed to lay down and watch a half hour of TV (which sometimes puts them to sleep)
9:00 to 10:00pm - run around cleaning up the evening messes, put away the dinner dishes, make lunches for the next day, go do a load of never ending laundry, make any calls that need to be made, try to get through the mail pile and pay bills, do any work I have brought home from the office, and let dog out one more time
10:00 to 10:30pm - attempt to stay awake and watch the news.
10:30 to 11:40pm - sleep
11:40 to 12:00am - awake up make pot of coffee for hubby and chat with hubby who gets home from second shift.
12:00 to 5:20am - try to sleep straight through without waking up with a anxiety attack.

Of course this is just the basics of what I am trying to accomplish in a day without the extras like grocery store trips, shopping for Halloween costumes, having birthday parties, kids having sleep overs, and all the other things that go with children in our life. If I could just get a couple more hours in my day................

Birthday Blues..........

I turned 40 this week.
I wish I could say that my family or friends threw me a wonderful surprise party like I have done for all of them but the timing of my birthday was off with their schedule I guess.
I wish I could say I accomplished finishing my "To Do" before 40 list but no such luck.
I wish I could say my husband did something thoughtful but that did not happen either. Well he did give me a card around midnight that night when he got home from work so I guess I should give him some credit - but not much.
I wish I could say that this first day in my forties was going better than my last day in my thirties but that isn't so.
I wish I could say I am not disappointed but that is just not true......................

As you tell I am a bit down today so I think it is best I just end this post. I really really try hard not to have expectations because that just opens me up to hurt but every once in a while I have a weak moment. Damn me.....Next year I think I will treat myself and plan to go away somewhere fun for my birthday. Wanna come?

Fine just ain't cutting it..........

Instead of my typical I am fine and how are you response I would love to be completely honest with someone when asked "how are you". Only one person outside of the direct people involved know about any of this insanity. Since I am almost completely anonymous here I am going to tell you how I really am..........
I am angry:
1) Angry at my sister and her negative choices that are effecting her life, her children, and my life. She use to be such a good mom and a loving person with a kind heart. Angry because she seems to care more about herself and her husband instead of her children. Angry because I made the choice to not have children but because of my sister's actions I am forced to now be responsible for taking care of her children. (please don't misunderstand - I really do love the children and will do anything for them it's just this wasn't my plan for my life)
2) Angry at my mom because I need her to step up and be a take control mom instead of being needy . My attention is focused on the children that are now living with me so I can not have my mom calling crying and wanting me to be able to fix it or just listen. I need her to be strong and solve problems as they occur without asking me every time. She can be strong she just seems to have forgotten that since my dad past.
3) Angry that my husband refuses to hear me when I tell him I need physical affection. He does so much around the house to help to show me he loves me so much but he will not give me the physical touch I need. I will no longer beg for this touch only to be ignored as though I never said a word. To be so giving in some areas he is so selfish with his touch. There are so many moments I crave to be held in the strong arms of a man and feel his hands glide along my body.
4) Angry at our government at the horrible decisions they are making daily and there lack of concern for how we are going to make it. They have no idea how hard it is to decide if you buy food for the table or make the mortgage payment.
5) Angry at my self that I can't get it together enough lately to get better schedules for my new life. I think kids try to ensure that you can not keep the schedule you create. I gotta do them in pencil now and have the easier ready.

I am sad:
1) Sad to see my sister in such a state of disaster and there is very little I can do to help. In fact no one can help her at all if she won't try to help herself. So sad for the children having to go through this.
2) Sad that my dad was taken from us so early in life. My dad was my mom's very best friend and it makes me sad that she doesn't have him anymore. She was such a different person when she had dad by her side.
3) Sad that I might have to see if I can find a facility that can help with my autistic nephew since my mom's health isn't good enough to handle him and I can not manage to work full time, raise the 7, 9, and 16 year old, and care for a severe autistic 13 year old.
4) Sad to see how hard my husband is working at home and at work. Second shift is just beating him down.
5) Sad that I can't make the pain and fear the children are feeling go away. Even though I hold them in the night when they wake crying or afraid I never feel like I can do enough.
6) Sad as I read about how many people are unemployed and their homes are in foreclosure. Sad not seeing any hope of relief coming for us common folk yet the big wigs are doing just fine. Yesterday I took a side road through town because of road construction and I was in shock at a huge line of people waiting in line at the free soup kitchen. This facility provides a meal for people that are hungry and in need. The shock of reality of how many people were there brought tears to my eyes.

I am grateful:
1) Grateful that I have family and people that love me and I love them. ( I may not like them all right now but they are still a blessing)
2) Grateful that I have a job and that the job pays well enough to keep us afloat. (we aren't getting ahead but we are making the minimums)
3) Grateful that my husband has such a gentle caring heart that he would not only be OK with the children coming to live with us but he is waking up every morning after only 4 hours of sleep to get them off to school then going back to bed.
4) Grateful that my mom is trying to help me by keeping my autistic nephew as much as possible. And she is helping me by getting the children after school and keeping them for a hour till I can get home from work.
5) Grateful when I hear anyone of the children laughing. They are all such gifts from God.
6) I am so Grateful to God for the strength he has blessing me with to continue to keep going on a average of 5 hours of sleep.
7) Grateful I am able to be here for the kids in their time of need.

I am so many emotions besides "fine" these days. As you can see by this post I am still wandering aimlessly through trying to find my way.
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Survey Says.......

To the person who sent me this survey so long ago - sorry it took me so long.........

1. What is your occupation right now? Contract Specialist.
2. What color are your socks right now? naked feet - no socks on.
3. What are you listening to right now? Nickelback song and the sound of my hands typing.
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Bagel w/cream cheese, fresh strawberries
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes (but I have a habit of driving to fast with stick)
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my mom
7. How old are you today? 39 (I have 8 more days till I join the 40 club)
8. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Can sex be a sport? - if not football.
9. What is your favorite drink?
Juice: Orange
Soda: 7Up
Alcohol: Margarita ( also like Mascato wine)
10. Favorite food? pasta
11. What is the last movie you watched? G.I. JOE (took nephew and niece to the drive-in)
12. Favorite day of the year? 4Th of July
13. How do you vent anger? sharp words and sometimes yell
14. What was your favorite toy as a child? brown teddy bear (yes, I still have it)
15. What is your favorite season? Summer
16. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries
17. Who is least likely to respond? No clue
18. Living arrangements? Married, living at home with my husband and dog.
19. When was the last time you cried? a week ago.
20. What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes.
21. What did you do last night? had dinner on the porch with hubby.
22. What are you most afraid of? Problems out of my control to solve.
23. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? spicy
24. Favorite dog breed? Doberman. (please don't tell my current Jack Russel terrier)
25. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
26. How many states have you lived in? 3
27. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds (duh)
28. What are your favorite flowers? daisy
29. One thing most people would never guess about you: this blog I write.

Once again random info about you that you never knew you needed to know..........

Funny little creatures

These funny little creatures known as children that are now living with me surprise me every day. For the sake of staying anonymous I will call them Jane and John. They are just so unpredictable! Examples you ask.........

1. Jane seems to think that if you close the toilet lid it will stop the toilet from overflowing therefore there is no need to mention it to me when you come back outside. ( I can't even begin to guess how many gallons of water we cleaned up) (did I mention there was so much water that it was pouring through the floor to the basement)

2. John seems to think that making the bathroom floor a wading pool each time he showers is a requirement.

3. John seems to think that if you keep opening the frig and looking in the food will magically change into something he wants.

4. Jane seems to think I am a short order cook and her sole purpose in the day is to see how many times she can say she is "starving" - only to eat 4 bites before she says she is full.

5. John has selective hearing when it comes to hearing me tell him to stop bouncing the ball in the house or please pick your hot wheels because it isn't funny when Auntie steps on them.

6. Jane also has selective hearing when I tell her to stop leaving her clothes and shoes where ever she takes them off at.

7. Last night I walked into the front room and witnessed Jane playing rope tug with the dog and she had the rope in her mouth!! She stated it is only fair since that she use her mouth since he has too. After explaining to her that the rope is yucky and the dog has had his mouth on it and he also puts his mouth on himself she agreed not to do it again. Then five minutes later she walks in the kitchen and says "do you think he licks himself before or after he plays with the rope" I am just not equipped for these type of questions!!!

8. John and Jane have issues with everything has to be fair and even - Steven. For example - Jane insisted on her glass of juice having the exact same amount as John's glass. Much time and effort is put in to ensure that each glass is at the exact same level of juice ( I was forced to review the line twice) only to find out after they finally agreed it is even that Jane doesn't even like this flavor of juice! Remind me again why I even agreed to review the juice line?

9. Since I take John and Jane to the beach to walk the dog often they have decided to collect "cool" rocks to bring back. I gave them each a bucket to store them in and when I asked them why I am finding the rocks all the around the house instead of in the bucket they informed me they are helping me "decorate the house". Seriously I didn't know I needed more decorations.

10. John (who is 9) insist on announcing all the bodily functions he has done - such as I burped or I just tooted (he was saying fart but I hate that word), I have to go poop or I just went poop. I have tried to explain to him that I have no interest in knowing these things but for some reason he finds humor in telling me. ( husband says it is a boy thing - but I think it is just wrong)

Well there you have it. The top ten examples of stories about the little creatures.
You know I am finding that regardless of how list prepared I attempt to be when you have children around you better make the list in pencil and carry a big eraser.................

I ain't that tough.......

I would like to announce - I am not a super hero hiding my cape under my shirt (not padding my bra) and I do not have any special powers! I am just a mere mortal facing the same day to day trials as everyone else.Therefore I can not handle one more person wanting to give their issues to me. Just because I don't have public melts downs or abuse a substance or vocally express my feeling of defeat doesn't mean I am made of nails and can continue to handle it. I may be strong but I ain't that tough. And another thing I would like to state is I don't find the comment " I wish I was as strong as you" as a compliment anymore. I just want to tell people to "suck it up". Again I refer back to the fact I have no super hero cape or powers. Oh my I am on rant. I guess I am currently in some serious need of energy. Not the keep me moving energy but the emotional - you can do all of this energy. I think I just need someone I can let my guard down with and draw energy from. Now I am not going to go getting all "new age" on you but I do believe that people can pull energy from each other. Most of the time I am giving energy without a problem because I have learned how to keep myself level but on occasion I give to much to long and I need someone to help me. The problem is I have so few people in my inner circle. Funny how I am very out-going and have many friends but yet I let so few into my inner circle. Once again I believe my villain is the the evil little word trust. For the safety of anyone that is still reading this post I am going to just end this rant and go to bed. I am sorry for any whining that might have come seeping through. I am sure in the light of tomorrow things will seem better and I will want to delete this post.
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Upside Down

I am still around but my life has turned upside down and I haven't any free time to write. In fact this is going to be a quick update on my insanity. My suspicions about my sister and husband were correct and worse than I thought and without going into any more detail than that I now have my 9 year old nephew and 7 year old niece living with me full time and I am helping my mom with my 12 year old autistic nephew. Considering I am going from no children to now having two children (that are emotionally a wreck) I am a bit overwhelmed. Let me give you a quick run down of how my life and schedule have been for the last few weeks and you can tell me if I deserve to feel a bit overwhelmed:

• I just received a new boss at work and even more job responsibilities
• The car my husband drives to work is on it's way out quicker than we can fix.
• my zero % interest on credit card I put all our debt on is going from zero to 13% after September and I still don't have debt paid off.
• Something wrong with plumbing in the house
• My cat that I have had for just about 13 years died in my arms two days ago
• I have gone from being child free to a instant care given for two needy children.
• Need to convert this office to a bedroom for one of the children
• School is starting in three weeks so I need to get the kids registered assuming I still have them. (nothing has been legally set up yet)
• School supplies and clothes must be bought.
• Found out I didn't get the new position at work I applied for.
• Trying to do as much as I can to make this transition for my husband and kids as smooth as possible since nobody signed up for this one.
• Trying to prepare for the fact that the company my husband works for announced that the plant he works for will be closing permanently next summer so he will be without a job again.

Yep, these are few of the things that have me overwhelmed and not sleeping at night. As soon as I can get a smoother schedule worked out I will be back writing more frequent. I would love to stay and write more but I can currently hear the children arguing over who got more slices of banana from me..........

My recent burdens.....

In addition to the every day chaos I have two major additional issues that I have been plagued with addressing lately. The first is my wonderful kitty that has been a blessing in my life for over 12 years is in very bad health and is failing rather quickly. The second issue is I believe my sister is abusing her prescriptions from the doctor and there may be even more to that issue. The problem is she will not talk to me and when she does she isn't being honest. My heart is breaking for her and for her children. I can not even begin to count how many sleepless nights I have had over this. We were not brought up like this! We were not exposed to drugs but unfortunately she married a man that has had drug experience. He was clean and a good person when they meet so we believed that all his past was just that - his past. Please don't misunderstand me - I am not blaming him for anything my sister may or may not be choosing to do I am just stating where she could have been exposed to this lifestyle. Since I can not get her to listen directly to me I wrote her a letter to express my feelings at 3:00am when I was in a panic and couldn't sleep even though I had to go to work in a matter of hours. I hope she opens her email and actually reads this.....

Dear XXXXXX,

I don’t know where to begin this letter so I will start by telling you I love and care about you very much. The distance now between us breaks my heart since we have always been close. I am sorry that you feel like I am judging you or I am just being mean to you. That is not my intention. You have always been much better at the gentle approach at things and I have always been the more straight forward no sugar coating problem solver. I am at a loss these days on how or if you even want help. We have very little communication with the exception of occasional short phone calls where we just chat about surface subjects. I don’t understand the lack of communication since we have always talked to each other about everything our whole life. I think the only exception to that was when you first were with Steve but even that time of not talking was not for this long of a stretch. Even through the years when we have been depressed or angry or hurt we have always still had a relationship until now. I am not just blaming you for the distance because I know the issues in my life changed who I am and I am not as approachable at times as I stay focused in how to dig out the financial wreck. I am sorry for the times I come across rough. Some times when I am tough with you it is me trying to get you to reach down deep in yourself and pull out the inner strength I know you have. The reason I get upset is I know that you have what it takes in you to make it but you doubt yourself and don’t completely utilize it. It’s like you just don’t believe in you as much as I do. There is nothing out of your reach as long as you stretch yourself and keep moving FORWARD. (there is a difference in just moving and moving forward) I know depression better than many think but the difference is I refuse to let it own me or define who I am. I do not doubt that you are depressed but I am thinking there is more than just that going on. I think that other influences have also come into play such as drugs. ( whether prescription or not when it can even be heard in your voice I think it’s to much.) The anger that you hear in my voice is because I am upset with your decisions lately to just take the road of giving up instead of forging forward in the fight for better. I know that forging forward is extremely difficult and is exhausting but it also blesses us with rewards. I just never would have believed I would ever hear you talk about just giving up on your kids or ever see you put anything or anyone ahead of the children or telling me to just raise them. I can only imagine how difficult being a mom is but up until recently I thought you treasured the title. I do hold you to a higher harsher standard then others because you are my sister and I want you to give your children (our next generation) better memories, better examples, and better lives than we had. I want more for them than we had. I want them sheltered from anything happening like the negative bad issues that we faced in our childhood. God blessed you with your wonderful children and I believe he expects you to take good care of them in every way possible. God also blessed the children with you as their mom so I believe God expects you to take good care of you.

The bottom line is I love you and I am here for you so please reach out..

The reason I share this with you all here is because I just needed a place to share this without worrying about being judged or being afraid it will be repeated. Yeah, I know people can judge and leave negative comments here but "hello" that is what the delete button is for and since I stay rather anonymous in blog land I feel OK to open up some.

This life of mine has been rather stressful lately and I am drudging forward right now BUT I will get my groove back and I will write a sassy fun post or a politic rant or heck even something light and fluffy again and I will get the bounce in my step back.

Is it a funk or mosquito bites

I have been in a funk lately - just going through the motions without much emotion. Maybe it is a allergic reaction from all the mosquito bites and not a funk. I am telling you those dang bugs attacked me like I was their only meal available. They just all ganged up on me while I was weeding the garden. I have mosquito bites in places that I can't itch in public! (maybe I should say shouldn't and not can't) You would laugh watching me squirm around in my chair at work trying to itch them without actually scratching. And I must tell you that I have OCD with mosquito bites. I can not stop itching them and believe me when I say I have tried every remedy to make them stop itching. The only thing that sometimes works is when I make a cross in the bite with my finger nail. Please don't ask me why I think that works or where I got the idea cause I have no clue. I am now bathing in "OFF" before I step outside. So, instead of my signature smell of Chanel 5 perfume I am sporting the fresh scent "OFF" for the summer. Wow I completely veered off from my original subject of this post. And now Back to the possible funk I brought up at the beginning. I have been feeling this way for a while now just going through the motions of doing what needs to be done without much emotional involvement. This past Sunday while sitting on the porch having coffee I realized that the summer is going to slip by me and I am going to miss the fun if I don't snap out of this funky mood and start enjoying it. That thought caused me to go slip on my sandals, grab the leash, and take my little man for a walk on the beach. (my dog not my husband)(ha ha I just pictured hubby on a leash) The sand on my feet, the wind in my hair, and watching my puppy run along the beach line is just what I needed to remind to check back in and shake the funky mood off. We walked along the water edge for two hours just enjoying the day - well I walked and he ran back and forth attempting to catch a seagull as they landed on the beach. I found a few pieces of sea glass that I brought home as a reminder to strive for serenity and watch out for that funky mood.

What has kept me away.......

Wow, by the date on my last entry it has been a while since I have taken time for me. Life has been really busy lately.

The sad -life's not fair - things that have been going on:

* I have attended three funerals in a two week span of time and all three people were under the age of 50. Life is so much more fragile than we ever want to believe.
* A really good friend ( in our wedding party) went to the doctor for shortness of breath only to be operated on that same day for 98% blockage to the heart. Up until that day he had been in perfect health with no heart condition! This is the friend that just had a surprise 50th birthday party.
* Been trying to be the positive strength for two siblings that are still in an emotional downward spiral one because of finances and the other with possible addiction problems. I am not the kind of person to sugar coat the problem for them nor do I do well with poor me excuses. I am an action person – identify the problem and come up with an action plan to fix it. Unfortunately neither sibling is at the point of pursuing an action plan so I am biting my tongue and trying to just be a SILENT positive strength. (my tongue hurts from so much biting)
* I have been sitting down with the bills and the budget and working on how to keep us afloat even though it feels like we are constantly taking on water.


Now on to the good things that have kept me so busy I haven’t take time for me in here:

*We expanded the garden and got it planted. The garden has tomatoes, green peppers, onions, carrots, lettuce, garlic, cilantro, basil, and jalapeno peppers. In past years it was just a small salsa garden but this year we expanded and added more veggies. And guess what? My lettuce is already sprouting up!
*I have my flower beds weeded and the flowers are blooming. If I had a dollar for every damn weed I pulled I would be out of debt!
*The pool is open and clean. Now if the temperature would soar above the 70’s I might get to splash around in it or at least float on my raft.
*Front porch is painted. Trim around the garage is painted. Both over sized wood beach chairs have been painted. I am so glad I over bought painted a few years back when the money situation was good. And thank goodness the house is brick because I am sick of painting!
*Planning my favorite event – our 4th of July party. This is my favorite party of the year and even though money is really tight I am pretty creative so it will still be a good time.


So, that is what has been going on in my life lately. I know – not very exciting to most - but it’s my life.
The weeks to come will be busy – my mom’s birthday is the 30th , I promised my nephew and niece a pool day with me, going to take a day off and go to my sister’s house and encourage her and show her I do care by helping her get her house organized, and of course I am going to be busy getting the 4th of July party/cookout ready.

~ note to self – After reading this I need to examine why I put time for me (like writing here) on hold every time other things happen. Why do I not make myself a priority? ~

Pillar is weakened...................

There is a song called "Broken" by LIGHTHOUSE that has so many phrases in this song describe exactly how I am feeling inside but will not express outside of writing it here where I am anonymous. Some like:

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing, I'm in the pain, I'm still holding on...........

Ok, yes I am being a bit dramatic with the song I picked but seriously being the pillar of strength for my family is exhausting. When my dad past away suddenly a few years back my mom mentally absorbed herself in her own grief leaving me the oldest child to step up to become the stable pillar that my five siblings come to. All but one of my siblings were still in their twenties when dad past. We have had our challenges amongst each other and one sister who lives out east still cuts herself off from part of us. In my role I hold secrets and dreams for them, I listen and counsel them, I have been a loan officer ( as dad always said - some of have champagne taste on a beer budget), I am the family event and holiday organizer, I am their sister, and sometimes the parent. Through the years wearing so many hats has been manageable since they seemed to all take turns having issues but lately they have began to gang up on me and three out of five are having serious problems at the same time. Their problems are very different from each other but they are all very stressful and life changing. This is the first time that they are having problems that I can't step in and fix. As you can guess the stay in control part of my personality is not dealing well with this. Each one of my siblings are being forced to make some life changing decisions for themselves. The even worse part of all this is each one has been attempting to keep it from the whole family because of feeling like they failed or are a disappointment. For those of you who don't come from a large family let me just inform you it is almost impossible to keep a family secret (well unless it the children keeping it from the parents) By no means am I saying that I haven't been putting my two sense trying to guide them but I am having to do this in a rather round about way. It is heart breaking watching each one struggle and gut wrenching holding my breath waiting for their choice in the future to unfold. I don't really want to go into detail of the issues they are facing but the subject of the issues are- financial destructing, toxic spouse destroying marriage, and one possible turning to much to alcohol in attempt to drown sorrows. ( say possible because we were brought up with absolutely no alcohol and the sister who told me about this has always been a bit extreme) I know they are all adults and they have to live with their decision but I hurt knowing they are hurting. I wish my dad was here to make it all better...............

A Seeker.....

The mood of the day is frustrated and better throw in there border line cranky too. I am surrounded by people that are choosing to be victims of problems and circumstances instead of solution seekers. There is always a answer to problems - it may not be the answer you want but still it is a answer to the issue which allows you can move forward. Why do people let issues own them and ultimately destroy who they are? I am not saying one has to be tough all the time cause it is only natural to have a bad times - I have days that life gets the best of me and I feel like a hamster running in that plastic ball going no where and then someone kicks that ball down the stairs. But where I try to differ is the thought process after this happens. The people that are victims of problems will blame their bad choices or any other problem on the ball incident feeling sorry for themselves and solution seekers will use the ball incident as a experience and learn from it so they can steer clear from the ball and will share this knowledge with others in hopes they learn from the misfortune and if they end up back in the ball they will remember to just roll with it. I know very well that we can be faced with numerous kicks all at once that leads us into a free falling spin leaving us feeling beaten,hurting, and depressed BUT we must not let that own us. If we let that consume who we are then the people that hurt us with the kicks win. See those people may win the battle that day by kicking BUT we win the war by not letting it define us. Thank your lucky stars I am not in a making a list mood or I would list my demons that cause me to seek solutions and back up plans.............

Till the wave passes

Heart rate is increasing. I can actually feel my heart beating even though it feels like a elephant is sitting on my chest. I begin to take deep breaths trying to calm myself and stop what is coming. My mind begins to race from subject to subject as though it is searching for the exact event to use against me. I am now going into that horrible state of suspense which seems to last forever. Most only go into a state of suspense for that short time when you just know the murderer in the movie is going to get the next victim but you are forced to the edge of your chair waiting. My mind has decides on a event that has happened or might happen and has began picking apart everything negative it can develop about this and feeds it to the worry sensor in me. Now my heart is racing, I'm feel in a state of suspense, and worry consumes me about something that may or may not have happened. This is what a PANIC ATTACK feels like for me. My first attack was almost two years ago and when it happen I had no idea what was happening and thought I was either having heart problems or I was losing my mind. After going to see my doctor about either heart surgery or a nice mental facility she explained it was neither and I was having panic attacks. I was not very open to this diagnosis and requested a test to be run to confirm. How was I to know there was no such test? The doctor explained that there is a prescription that she would give me for these attacks. Knowing that I am not a big fan of taking drugs she explained that I don't have to take it daily and only have to take the pill when I feel a attack coming on. The doctor also stated that I may not have these attacks forever. Sometimes huge amounts of stress or life changing events can trigger the onset of these attacks and sometimes after you have made it through and dealt with these events the attacks will stop. (Huge amounts of stress - HELLO - the death of 7 family members in a 2 year period, dealing with my mom who was extremely mentally fragile, husband betrayed my trust and almost bankrupt us, and have you seen what Obama is doing to this country) Anytime these attacks want to go away is fine with me. I have come a long way since the first panic attack episodes and have now learned how to talk myself down better. In fact I only take one of the pills if the attack is in the evening and it is effecting my ability to sleep or if I wake up in the middle of the night with a attack. (those are the worse) I have learned to take deep lung filling breathes and self talk my way through most attacks now. I know it may sound funny when I say I have to talk rational to my irrational thinking but it works for me. I have also been known to continuously repeat something in my head (like the Lord's prayer) and stay focused repeating it till the wave of panic passes. Not sure why I decided to share this piece of me today but there you have it - another bit of information you really didn't need to know................

Angry ranting........

wtf?
First the president finds time to go on Leno making an inappropriate comment about special needs events and then give a bizarre cackling laugh interview that seemingly has many confused and wondering about his mental state.
And now.....
President Barack Obama's intelligence chief confirmed Thursday that some Guantanamo inmates may be released on US soil and receive assistance to return to society.
"If we are to release them in the United States, we need some sort of assistance for them to start a new life," said National Intelligence Director Dennis Blair at his first press conference.
"You can't just put them on the street," he added. "All that is work in progress.

Are any of you that voted for him lowering your head in shame yet?

burst that little romantic bubble

Spent some time with a friend that doesn't "have to" work. As much as I get jealous of her daily freedom to sit outside in the summer soaking up the sun or staying bundled up inside when it is snowing I don't really believe I would be comfortable doing that. Most of the time I get caught up in the romantic ideas of getting to stay home like cooking hubby meals from scratch every evening, picture perfect clean house, caring for large garden, baking him weekly sweets, having time to work on my book, and being a foster mom. Yes, those are romantic ideas to me! Probably cause I work a shit load of hours and have no time to do any of those things very well right now. Once I burst that little romantic bubble and look at the reality I realize that I don't want to be that dependant on anyone to the point that I would have no way to provide for myself if he wasn't there. I know if he divorces I get half in this state and if he died I would get it all BUT that isn't going to last my lifetime. Heck, I would be sad and be looking for a job. Hhhhmm, wonder if my friend ever worries about that. It doesn't seem to be a concern for her but who knows what really keeps her up at night. I work for the money of course but I also work for the independence it gives me. It gives me financial independence and self independence. I don't have to stay in my marriage because I am dependant on his income and I don't have to stay because I don't have the confidence or feeling of worth. Funny how having a job makes me feel trapped in some ways yet free in others. I guess to have it all I am going to need to be independently wealthy so I can do the romantic ideas of getting to stay home till they aren't fun anymore then I can hire someone else to do them for me while I go to work.

Shoe - 12 Step program needed.........

Hi, my name is @@@@ and I am a shoe addict. I am completely powerless against the will to have more cute shoes. A friend called last week that I haven't seen in weeks and invited me to go get coffee and run to a store that was holding a order for her. The coffee and conversation was wonderful - we chatted about our crazy schedules, inattentive husbands and the want for a boy toy (ha ha), our jobs, the economy, the sadness of our thirties ending this year, and girl stuff I won't be mentioning here. After having more caffeine then should be legally allowed we were off to the store. At first she was just going to run in and pick up the order but then we decided I would park and go in with her. This is where the story shifts from harmless fun to me needing a 12 step program. Of course we had to pass the shoe department to get to the customer service register and of course this absolutely perfect pair of shoes stopped me in my tracks. In fact I believe these shoes were calling my name. (uh oh I just admitted to hearing voices) Any way I began to get the shakes as I approached the shoe display. I honestly was just going to look BUT NO my friends says "they are so cute - try them on" I knew better than to do it but the little evil one sitting on my left shoulder said "go ahead it doesn't cost anything to try on" Ha - fat chance I was just trying on and not buying after I got my foot in them. Any hoot needless to say here are my new shoes that I didn't want but NEEDED. Yep, I am powerless.

Sorry about the picture quality but my camera issues will be another rant posting later.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any of you foot fetish people that get electrocuted licking your computer screen because of my foot being on one the pictures.

Are you just passing through?

It is amazing how some people just pass through your life and how others stay for the journey. Sometimes it is your journey and sometimes it is their journey. I am feeling a bit nostalgic lately but not sure exactly which life event is causing it. I found out about the passing of a friend who I had lost contact with recently and this reminded me just how short life can be. (she was my age) I also received rather sad news about a family member who has been diagnosed with cancer and be be starting chemo next week.
During January through March I get into this nesting mood and I usually take on a home project or two, cook and bake more, spend weekends in my flannel lounge pants, and dream up new summer ideas. I have been doing these normal rituals but I have also stepped out of my routine and have been checking in with the people in my circle of life. I have gone over to visit some, sent a few Thinking of you cards, and have made a point to spend one evening a week making short "how are you calls". I know I should do these things all the time but you know as well as I do life gets crazy and hectic and before you know it time gets away from you. I have a heck of a time juggling it all sometimes but that is no excuse for neglecting the important people in my life. Any how that is one of the reasons I haven't been posting very often lately. But don't you worry cause the home improvement projects are just about complete (budget will not allow for more) so I will be back here ranting again. Oh, I definitely will be ranting about how if you want to see how compatible you are with your spouse try fixing a leaking faucet together with nothing more than google instructions. ( He is lucky the ground is still frozen so there is no place to hide a body) And just for your amusement it took two trips to the hardware store, the purchase of a new faucet, then a purchase of new under the sink pipes, four hours of quality time cramped in the bathroom, lots of cussing, and the promise that we will never do this again! And if that isn't funny enough I was told by someone today "a new faucet wasn't needed- it was probably just a little rubber washer needed to fix that". This was told to me by one the people I called for one of those "how are you"calls. See, this is the shit I go through trying to be good.............

One man's truth...

I know I can hardly believe it myself - two post in one day! But I received this in email today and thought it was worth sharing.
Interesting. The first email below was sent out by GM to all suppliers. The email that follows is a response from one such supplier.

Dear Employees & Suppliers,
Congress and the current Administration will soon determine whether to provide immediate support to the domestic auto industry to help it through one of the most difficult economic times in our nation's history. Your elected officials must hear from all of us now on why this support is critical to our continuing the progress we began prior to the global financial crisis........................As an employee or supplier, you have a lot at stake and continue to be one of our most effective and passionate voices. I know GM can count on you to have your voice heard.
Thank you for your urgent action and ongoing support.
Troy Clarke
President General Motors North America ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Response from:
Gregory Knox, Pres. Knox Machinery Company
Franklin , Ohio

Gentlemen:
In response to your request to contact legislators and ask for a bailout for the Big Three automakers please consider the following, and please pass my thoughts on to Troy Clark, President of General Motors North America .
Politicians and Management of the Big 3 are both infected with the same entitlement mentality that has spread like cancerous germs in UAW halls for the last countless decades, and whose plague is now sweeping this nation, awaiting our new "messiah", Pres-elect Obama, to wave his magic wand and make all our problems go away, while at the same time allowing our once great nation to keep "living the dream"... Believe me folks, The dream is over!
This dream where we can ignore the consumer for years while management myopically focuses on its personal rewards packages at the same time that our factories have been filled with the worlds most overpaid, arrogant, ignorant and laziest entitlement minded "laborers" without paying the price for these atrocities...this dream where you still think the masses will line up to buy our products for ever and ever.
Don't even think about telling me I'm wrong. Don't accuse me of not knowing of what I speak. I have called on Ford, GM, Chrysler, TRW, Delphi , Kelsey Hayes, American Axle and countless other automotive OEM's throughout the Midwest during the past 30 years and what I've seen over those years in these union shops can only be described as disgusting.
Troy Clarke, President of General Motors North America, states: "There is widespread sentiment throughout this country, and our government, and especially via the news media, that the current crisis is completely the result of bad management which it certainly is not."
You're right Mr. Clarke, it's not JUST management...how about the electricians who walk around the plants like lords in feudal times, making people wait on them for countless hours while they drag ass...so they can come in on the weekend and make double and triple time...for a job they easily could have done within their normal 40 hour work week. How about the line workers who threaten newbies with all kinds of scare tactics...for putting out too many parts on a shift...and for being too productive (We certainly must not expose those lazy bums who have been getting overpaid for decades for their horrific underproduction, must we?!?)
Do you folks really not know about this stuff?!? How about this great sentiment abridged from Mr. Clarke's sad plea: "over the last few years ...we have closed the quality and efficiency gaps with our competitors." What the hell has Detroit been doing for the last 40 years?!? Did we really JUST wake up to the gaps in quality and efficiency between us and them? The K car vs. the Accord? The Pinto vs. the Civic?!? Do I need to go on? What a joke!
We are living through the inevitable outcome of the actions of the United States auto industry for decades. It's time to pay for your sins, Detroit .
I attended an economic summit last week where brilliant economist, Alan Beaulieu, from the Institute of Trend Research , surprised the crowd when he said he would not have given the banks a penny of "bailout money". "Yes, he said, this would cause short term problems," but despite what people like politicians and corporate magnates would have us believe, the sun would in fact rise the next day.... and the following very important thing would happen....where there had been greedy and sloppy banks, new efficient ones would pop up....that is how a free market system works...it does work....if we would only let it work..."
But for some nondescript reason we are now deciding that the rest of the world is right and that capitalism doesn't work - that we need the government to step in and "save us"...Save us my ass, Hell - we're nationalizing...and unfortunately too many of our once fine nation's citizens don't even have a clue that this is what is really happening...But, they sure can tell you the stats on their favorite sports teams...yeah - THAT'S really important, isn't it...
Does it ever occur to ANYONE that the "competition" has been producing vehicles, EXTREMELY PROFITABLY, for decades in this country?... How can that be??? Let's see... Fuel efficient... Listening to customers... Investing in the proper tooling and automation for the long haul...
Not being too complacent or arrogant to listen to Dr. W. Edwards Deming four decades ago when he taught that by adopting appropriate principles of management, organizations could increase quality and simultaneously reduce costs. Ever increased productivity through quality and intelligent planning... Treating vendors like strategic partners, rather than like "the enemy"... Efficient front and back offices... Non union environment...
Again, I could go on and on, but I really wouldn't be telling anyone anything they really don't already know down deep in their hearts.
I have six children, so I am not unfamiliar with the concept of wanting someone to bail you out of a mess that you have gotten yourself into - my children do this on a weekly, if not daily basis, as I did when I was their age. I do for them what my parents did for me (one of their greatest gifts, by the way) - I make them stand on their own two feet and accept the consequences of their actions and work through it. Radical concept, huh... Am I there for them in the wings? Of course - but only until such time as they need to be fully on their own as adults..
I don't want to oversimplify a complex situation, but there certainly are unmistakable parallels here between the proper role of parenting and government. Detroit and the United States need to pay for their sins. Bad news people - it's coming whether we like it or not. The newly elected Messiah really doesn't have a magic wand big enough to "make it all go away." I laughed as I heard Obama "reeling it back in" almost immediately after the final vote count was tallied..."we really might not do it in a year...or in four..." Where the Hell was that kind of talk when he was RUNNING for office.
Stop trying to put off the inevitable folks ... That house in Florida really isn't worth $750,000.... People who jump across a border really don't deserve free health care benefits.... That job driving that forklift for the Big 3 really isn't worth $85,000 a year... We really shouldn't allow Wal-Mart to stock their shelves with products acquired from a country that unfairly manipulates their currency and has the most atrocious human rights infractions on the face of the globe...
That couple whose combined income is less than $50,000 really shouldn't be living in that $485,000 home... Let the market correct itself folks - it will. Yes it will be painful, but it's gonna' be painful either way, and the bright side of my proposal is that on the other side of it all, is a nation that appreciates what it has....and doesn't live beyond its means...and gets back to basics...and redevelops the patriotic work ethic that made it the greatest nation in the history of the world...and probably turns back to God.
Sorry - don't cut my head off, I'm just the messenger sharing with you the "bad news". I hope you take it to heart.
Gregory J. Knox,
President Knox MachineryInc.
Franklin , Ohio 45005

Here I am..........

No need to label me MIA cause I am back. I know it looks like I abruptly just vanished but that was not my intent. In my last post I was under the influence of hurting emotions so I thought it best to get a grip and come back. Yeah, I am girlie with my desire for freshly painted toe nails, lovely lace thongs, and high heel sandals but I am not usually girlie with expressing my feelings. I am not much on the whole drama scene of emotions. Not that I don't feel or express emotions but I do better if I compartmentalize my feelings and deal with issues on my own terms. I keep a wall built up around me. I am reserved with showing how I feel but maybe that stems back from if I let you in and you know me to well then you will also know how to hurt me. Ah yes it always leads back to that nasty little word trust. Even though truly gaining my trust is difficult it has it's rewards. Once I trust you I give you all of me and all that I have. I will love you unconditionally without limits. If I give someone trust and they hurt me I immediately go and hide behind my wall I have built. That is not saying that I won't trust that person again but it will definitely take time to bring down that wall and they will lose a part of me. Damn, sure hope Dr. Phil don't read this or he will seeking my azz out for treatment. Ha-Ha This is going to be another one of those post that I read back later and think what the hell was I thinking actually writing this down. I promise the next post will not be any psycho-analysing BS.

Retreat...........

Retreat is exactly what I do when I am hurting. I have learned to shut down and hide behind that emotionless wall I have created. I am not big on trusting people and it takes me a long time to let someone get really close to me so it sucks when that someone carelessly hurts me with no regard of my feelings. I am not going to go into detail right now since the wound is so recent and I am still trying to process the hurt. I just wanted to let you know I just need a little time and I will be back. ( few days, few hot baths, few sips of wine, and a few tears)

Brain Fuel needed................

The need for brain fuel is becoming a bit of a emergency. No, really I am serious! I don't know if I am thinking to hard at work, or if the fresh paint fumes from the bedroom hallway are effecting me, or if I have killed to many brain cells with my wine drinking but my ability to focus long enough to post just ain't been here. It is kinda like my get up and go - got up and left without me. But, even though I have been MIA I haven't been just slacking off. At work I have been working diligently on this rather hideous project I was given back in October that will be finishing up by the end of next month. For so long the light at the end of the tunnel has been a oncoming train at work. I am absolutely not going to complain though - because I am grateful to have a job in this economy. It is amazing and a blessing that with the size of the company I work for that we have been spared job cuts so far. We have been given notice that our yearly increase is on hold for now and will be reviewed at the end of the second quarter. Heck, as far as I am concerned if they can guarantee us a job for the year they should keep our increase. There are very few job openings in my area so to find a job I would be commuting to Milwaukee or to Chicago. Either way you looked at it - it would not be good for my road rage issues. I don't really have road rage but I do cuss at idiots that drive slow in the fast lane, idiots that pull out in front of me knowing I will have to brake for them instead of them waiting till I pass, idiots that don't use their turn signal when they are actually turning (switching lanes doesn't require a signal), idiots that don't move to the middle of the intersection when waiting to turn (hence I get stuck waiting for the light again). Yikes, maybe I do need to attend traffic class on becoming a "happy driver" Naaahhh!
Just in case your still holding your breath with me while my taxes are being prepared - you can exhale now. The taxes are completed and I am so very happy to inform you that I will not need to take out a loan to pay the IRS like last year. That's right my friends my bill isn't even four digits. Yep, you heard me correct - not even four digits! I believe a glass of wine is in order to celebrate. Oh wait the brain cells. Damn, I guess I am just going to be dumb. But don't worry I couldn't drink enough wine to make me as dumb as those yahoo democrats that are in office now. Well, before I go off on a tirade about politics and get myself all worked up I best wrap this up and go take me a bubble bath........

Me bad........

I wanna be naughty. That's right you heard me - I want to be bad! I am not sure exactly what I want to do that would make me "bad" or "naughty" but I am sure I can get ideas from some of you! No, really I have always been the responsible, reliable, supportive one that does the right thing. I seem to be surrounded by people that are the opposite so I have always ended up being their support or bailing them out which has left no time for me to act out. I have even gone as far as marrying one of those bad boys that I have had to drag over to the responsible side. He still acts up once in a while but for the most part he isn't much of a handful anymore. So, with that being said I am tired of taking care and emotionally supporting others and I am tired of being good. No, I am not planning on checking out completely or doing anything that would land me on the front page of the paper BUT I just have this overwhelming desire to be naughty. Hhhhhmmm, what to do , what to do.
What have you done bad?

Working for the weekend..........

Got comfortable flannels, tank top, and fuzzy socks on - YES
Doors locked and answering machine turned on - YES
Dog walked, fed, and belly rubbed - YES
Large glass of wine poured for me - YES

Ahhhh, this week is finally over and I have made it to the weekend. Wow, this week bordered painful at times. So, let's recap what made this a long week that is requiring a rather large glass of wine to assist in me relaxing.

• Every time I turned on the TV or radio I was forced to listen to information about the idiotic stimulus proposals. I am so angry with our government right now I can not even express it in words. (well at least in words that aren't four letters)
• Hubby got word he is laid off as of Monday for at least three weeks. Ah yes that means about $250 less in the budget weekly.
• On a good note the company I work for is not laying off BUT they did announce that they have put a freeze on our pay increase that would be taking effect in April. ( Funny but they didn't mention if managements bonus was froze)
• Found out that someone I love has been struggling with finances so badly that they were having a hard time feeding their children. As long as I have something to give I will so I went to the grocery store after I heard about this need and bought them enough food for a week. The world can be cruel so we need to take care of family and friends.
• Waited all week for tax documents to come in the mail so I can make appointment with tax man. No, I am not in a hurry to find out how much I have to pay but I am in a hurry to figure out how much I need to save by the 15th at midnight. By the way I am still waiting for them to come.
• I have misplaced my favorite gloves! For those who know me - you know how misplacing anything drives me crazy. Has anyone seen my black soft very warm gloves?
• Not only did I misplace my gloves but I lost my keys on Thursday morning. Well, I didn't really lose them but I couldn't find them for a few hours. Who would have thought my keys could hide so well in the liner of my tote bag. Yup, my tote bag is either going to need a sew job or will need to be retired.

I would say that is enough examples of why I am grateful for the weekend to be here! So, was your week as tough as mine?

Soon......

Soon sweetheart everything will be red and love will be in the air. For those of you who don't know me very well -I am a hopelessly romantic sap on Valentine's Day. I know the way I have described myself in past post wouldn't lead you to believe I could have such a romantic heart but I do. Please don't misunderstand what I mean by romantic though cause a dozen roses being bought on Valentine's Day for me does not qualify. Anyone can do the typical way overspend buying flowers on V-Day with very little thought involved. It will take much more creativity to win me for V-Day. Now before you go thinking that I think the day is all about what a man can do for a woman please note some of the romantic gestures I have done or suggested to others (as you will notice I once again am not admitting to what I have done:

• Served dinner picnic style on a blanket in the living room next to the fireplace. (please note that dessert should be strawberries to dip in warm chocolate sauce or whip cream)
• Filled his car completely with red balloons and left a rather naughty detailed note of how our evening would end.
• Left instructions on door to follow chocolate foiled hearts till they lead him to my heart. ( remember to buy a few bags of these chocolates if your bedroom is on the second floor)
• Went and bought tons of candles ( bags of tea light candles is a less expensive route to go and they burn long enough) Also stop by floral shop and buy bag of rose pedals. Now timing on this one is important! Run a steaming hot bath and then add rose petals to the water. Next strategically start setting up candles all along the path from the door to the bathroom and to the bedroom. Light the candles, turn off the circuit breaker so he can't use any other light but the candles to find you. You can use battery operated device for sexy music to be playing while you are waiting for your sweetheart in the tub.
• This one is a bit sassy but I say you only go around once so take a chance. ( I was also only in my twenties then) You will need a long coat, hot red Valentine lingerie, extremely sexy high heels , red lipstick, and good heat in your car. (well we live where it fricking freezing in February) Put on the items I listed and drive carefully to wear sweetheart is. If sweetie is in crowded environment ask to be walked out to the car or have them come out to the car. Once you have them let them feast their eyes on what is waiting for them when they come home. Then right before you leave hand them what you expect to see them in when you meet.
• I have even gone as far bribing a waiter (only $10) to get me the recipe of a dish my sweetheart loved to eat at this restaurant so I could duplicate it for a Valentine dinner.

So as you can see I am definitely willing to give as good as I get with romantic gestures. Oh, and for you manly men you will be happy to know the idea of coupons for:

• us to watch sports with you all day without asking questions and making sure you have a beer available.
• one free day of no chores or nagging or honey do list
• one free do it the way you want it only (you get the drift - right?)

I told you I was a sap and now I have given you a post to prove it! And if you want to know something really sappy about me I still watch the movie "Pretty Woman" every time I am flipping channels and find it on and yes I also own the movie " The Notebook" and cry when I watch it.

The point of writing this now instead of on Valentine's Day is so you have time to plan something romantic and special. I also don't want any comment's about being alone on V-Day because you can always go a different direction and make a wonderful V-Day with just children or a friend. Just plan making homemade heart shaped pizza's, make red finger Jello hearts, and rent a movie. Like I say it's all up to you to have fun......

PS - I have a new kicking azz shade of red nail polish I got on clearance that I am saving for my toes for V-Day!

Confessions..........

I am again here to confess the fact I lack the ability to think before I speak again. God help me!! After I finished my post this morning and was wandering around the house attempting to convince myself to get busy cleaning the phone rang. Looking down at caller ID I see it is my mom which causes a small sigh but I take my chances and answer it. After listening to her chatter on about a bit of this and a bit of that she finally gets around to asking if I want to go to the grocery store and Wally world with her. YIKES ( please note that kind of trip can be a all day affair) I explained to her no I best stay home and get some house work done. Since my mom has a hard time excepting no she ask two more times before telling me she is hanging up now since I am so crabby. Yippee the call has only last 19 minutes and I think I am off the hook. About ten minutes later again the phone rings and again I sigh but answer another call from mom. First mistake was not letting it go to voicemail! My mom proceeds to ask are you sure you don't want to go shopping. Are you saying no and being crabby because you don't really have the money and you just don't want to tell me ? You know I will pay if you need me too. I explain in a calm voice no mom the money is not the issue causing me to be crabby. Once again she doesn't really hear me and she states "well you wouldn't be honest with me if that was the reason anyway, you never feel like you can share with me." And here is the part where I should have thought before I spoke but no my mom had struck a nerve with the whole I am not really honest with her statement. So, before I could stop myself I blurt out - Mom if you want the honest reason why I am crabby is because I haven't gotten any in weeks cause the hubby is depressed about being laid off and it is to dang cold in this house to take a cold shower. And furthermore I am out of double A batteries. Omg, I couldn't believe I just said that out loud and to my mother! A silence came over the phone after that for about a minute before she says to me " well I guess I can't really help out with that. And then she says what do you need batteries for?" Instead of answering that question I am going to pick my mom up in ten minutes to go shopping.............

Think first........

When will I ever learn to think before I speak?! Yesterday while I was in the kitchen cutting up veggies my husband walks in with the daily pile of mail which consist of bill after bill and says "Well another official letter from ___ (car industry) and I am on layoff for week number seven" This is the part were I should have kept my mouth shut and thought about what to say instead of being insensitive to how bad this must make hubby feel. This is also when I should have remembered my word "gratitude" cause we are at least drawing $200.00 in unemployment during this time. BUT NO instead of thinking first I just immediately starting spurting off sentences like "you are going to have to find a different job" "how are we ever going to get out of debt" " why isn't the company calling you back to work since you are contracted so you get paid less and this saves the company money" "I am going to have to get a second job to keep up"
As soon as I overreacted I immediately wanted to take it back but by the look on my husbands face the damage was already done. The look of defeat and depression on his face just broke my heart. I said I am sorry and I know its not your fault and I know you want to be working but I don't think it helped much. Damn it I have got to learn to stop going into panic mode and reacting when ever a money issue arises. Why do I go from zero to one hundred on the anxiety scale when it comes to money? Our mortgage is up to date and all of the minimums have been paid on the other bills. Well except the hospital bills. They believe I should be giving them two hundred a month and I can only allocate fifty at this time. Seriously I need to be so grateful that we are doing as well as we are. How do I get past this constant money fear and live in the moment of now where we are alright? Sometimes late at night I get these money anxiety moments and I try to think of the worst situation and then try to set a plan for it. How crazy is that - planning for something that hasn't even happen and may never happen. I am going to just have to keep praying for peace of mind and faith.............

No winter wonderland over here....

Even Romeo is pondering if it is really worth enduring this weather to venture out to play!

No building a snowman in the meadow and no walking in a winter wonderland over here. Plenty of shoveling though. According to the weather segment on the news we have received 14 inches of snow in the last three days. The bearer of bad news weatherman has said more snow and even colder temperatures coming next week. Weather like this reminds me why my grandpa told me not to marry a yankee - cause you will get stuck living in the north where is it so cold even the bears go hide till spring.

PS - I will have to post a picture of my bad boy Romeo in one of his winter coats he has. His red Wisconsin badge coat is my favorite.

Sanity Safe Words.

Acceptance and gratitude are going to be my sanity safe words. The plan is every time I get overwhelmed or negative or feel the anxiety rising I need to remind myself of those words. The term "safe word" is used in some forms of adult entertainment with bondage so in my goofy play on words since I hold myself in bondage with my mind I decided it fit. No, do not over think that last sentence and start assuming things! And let's just to get one thing straight I would not be the one in the bondage! lol Wow, how did I end up on this subject?
Can you believe it has taken me almost forty years to realize that accepting is not the same as settling? I am so busy worrying about moving forward that I forget to accept where I am now. (that means enjoying the moment is side stepped as well) I don't remember to just live in the moment and not worry about my next move. I seem to worry way to much that I will be just "settling" if I am not plotting my future moves. My desire to strive for perfection has crushed my ability to accept and live in the moment. Please take note I didn't say material wealth or worldly accomplishments I said perfection. Interesting that I strive for something that is unattainable. Any way before some one suggests I call Doctor Phil or check in for "observation" at my local mental ward I better get to my point. I think the point I originally was trying to make before I wandered off in different directions is I have set a goal for myself to really attempt to start accepting where I am in life and have gratitude for what I do have. I know that sounds easy to some people who can just live in the moment but it is really going to be a challenge for me. One big challenge I face with this new plan is just having gratitude for my job and not worrying about it being eliminated and what will my back up plan be. A few years back I wouldn't have dreamed of wasting so much time worrying and over thinking. I wish I could figure out exactly why I have become this way. There isn't one particular event that I can point to and say yes that caused it. Maybe just the combination of devastating events that I was showered with created this yucky worry wart I am now trying to fix. What ever the reason may be I can at least say I accept that I am currently this way and grateful it isn't worse and I will be working on correcting this imperfection....... ( what a crock of bull sh!#)lol

Temporary Reprieve..........

During this temporary reprieve from life being exceptionally demanding I simply want to state I hope you and your family had a safe and joyous holiday season. Time has not permitted for me to post lately but I am working on changing that. As part of my new routine I am creating for myself I am actually going to set aside time to write. I will have to alternate my writing between here and my book but that will work. I will have to save the whole new routine agenda for a another post. There are numerous subjects I have piling up in my head and on scribble notes I need to post. Here are some of the thoughts floating in my head I want to take time to express here soon:

• The ever so dramatic dynamics of spending time with my family. ( believe it or not hubby is not part of the drama at all )


• New routine for mental well being.


• The absolutely horrible acts of the bias media against Israel. Why is it people cry about Israel using too much force but think nothing of what Israel has had to suffer through.


• Obama's never ending change of plan tactics.


• Gotta comment on hubby and his recent change of heart. Not sure what happen but I am loving the change.


• Must comment on me attempting to work on just staying quiet and not voicing my opinion about things that are out of my control to change. Of course I am not talking about here cause hell I gotta share it somewhere or I will explode.


• Must tell you very funny beauty treatment gone wrong. Well I can say it is funny now but it wasn't at the time. Oh don't worry none of my toes fell off.


• Definitely need to post that it has been a year today I quit smoking. Can you believe I still miss it some days?


• Now that I have a year of no smoking under my belt I must now begin my lose weight and get fit agenda. If I am feeling sassy I will have to comment on this rather spicy exercise class I think I want to take.

Well as you can see I have so many subjects I need to share with you. I will be back soon to get started filling you in on my rambling...........