I turned 40 this week.
I wish I could say that my family or friends threw me a wonderful surprise party like I have done for all of them but the timing of my birthday was off with their schedule I guess.
I wish I could say I accomplished finishing my "To Do" before 40 list but no such luck.
I wish I could say my husband did something thoughtful but that did not happen either. Well he did give me a card around midnight that night when he got home from work so I guess I should give him some credit - but not much.
I wish I could say that this first day in my forties was going better than my last day in my thirties but that isn't so.
I wish I could say I am not disappointed but that is just not true......................
As you tell I am a bit down today so I think it is best I just end this post. I really really try hard not to have expectations because that just opens me up to hurt but every once in a while I have a weak moment. Damn me.....Next year I think I will treat myself and plan to go away somewhere fun for my birthday. Wanna come?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Fine just ain't cutting it..........
Instead of my typical I am fine and how are you response I would love to be completely honest with someone when asked "how are you". Only one person outside of the direct people involved know about any of this insanity. Since I am almost completely anonymous here I am going to tell you how I really am..........
I am angry:
1) Angry at my sister and her negative choices that are effecting her life, her children, and my life. She use to be such a good mom and a loving person with a kind heart. Angry because she seems to care more about herself and her husband instead of her children. Angry because I made the choice to not have children but because of my sister's actions I am forced to now be responsible for taking care of her children. (please don't misunderstand - I really do love the children and will do anything for them it's just this wasn't my plan for my life)
2) Angry at my mom because I need her to step up and be a take control mom instead of being needy . My attention is focused on the children that are now living with me so I can not have my mom calling crying and wanting me to be able to fix it or just listen. I need her to be strong and solve problems as they occur without asking me every time. She can be strong she just seems to have forgotten that since my dad past.
3) Angry that my husband refuses to hear me when I tell him I need physical affection. He does so much around the house to help to show me he loves me so much but he will not give me the physical touch I need. I will no longer beg for this touch only to be ignored as though I never said a word. To be so giving in some areas he is so selfish with his touch. There are so many moments I crave to be held in the strong arms of a man and feel his hands glide along my body.
4) Angry at our government at the horrible decisions they are making daily and there lack of concern for how we are going to make it. They have no idea how hard it is to decide if you buy food for the table or make the mortgage payment.
5) Angry at my self that I can't get it together enough lately to get better schedules for my new life. I think kids try to ensure that you can not keep the schedule you create. I gotta do them in pencil now and have the easier ready.
I am sad:
1) Sad to see my sister in such a state of disaster and there is very little I can do to help. In fact no one can help her at all if she won't try to help herself. So sad for the children having to go through this.
2) Sad that my dad was taken from us so early in life. My dad was my mom's very best friend and it makes me sad that she doesn't have him anymore. She was such a different person when she had dad by her side.
3) Sad that I might have to see if I can find a facility that can help with my autistic nephew since my mom's health isn't good enough to handle him and I can not manage to work full time, raise the 7, 9, and 16 year old, and care for a severe autistic 13 year old.
4) Sad to see how hard my husband is working at home and at work. Second shift is just beating him down.
5) Sad that I can't make the pain and fear the children are feeling go away. Even though I hold them in the night when they wake crying or afraid I never feel like I can do enough.
6) Sad as I read about how many people are unemployed and their homes are in foreclosure. Sad not seeing any hope of relief coming for us common folk yet the big wigs are doing just fine. Yesterday I took a side road through town because of road construction and I was in shock at a huge line of people waiting in line at the free soup kitchen. This facility provides a meal for people that are hungry and in need. The shock of reality of how many people were there brought tears to my eyes.
I am grateful:
1) Grateful that I have family and people that love me and I love them. ( I may not like them all right now but they are still a blessing)
2) Grateful that I have a job and that the job pays well enough to keep us afloat. (we aren't getting ahead but we are making the minimums)
3) Grateful that my husband has such a gentle caring heart that he would not only be OK with the children coming to live with us but he is waking up every morning after only 4 hours of sleep to get them off to school then going back to bed.
4) Grateful that my mom is trying to help me by keeping my autistic nephew as much as possible. And she is helping me by getting the children after school and keeping them for a hour till I can get home from work.
5) Grateful when I hear anyone of the children laughing. They are all such gifts from God.
6) I am so Grateful to God for the strength he has blessing me with to continue to keep going on a average of 5 hours of sleep.
7) Grateful I am able to be here for the kids in their time of need.
I am so many emotions besides "fine" these days. As you can see by this post I am still wandering aimlessly through trying to find my way.
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I am angry:
1) Angry at my sister and her negative choices that are effecting her life, her children, and my life. She use to be such a good mom and a loving person with a kind heart. Angry because she seems to care more about herself and her husband instead of her children. Angry because I made the choice to not have children but because of my sister's actions I am forced to now be responsible for taking care of her children. (please don't misunderstand - I really do love the children and will do anything for them it's just this wasn't my plan for my life)
2) Angry at my mom because I need her to step up and be a take control mom instead of being needy . My attention is focused on the children that are now living with me so I can not have my mom calling crying and wanting me to be able to fix it or just listen. I need her to be strong and solve problems as they occur without asking me every time. She can be strong she just seems to have forgotten that since my dad past.
3) Angry that my husband refuses to hear me when I tell him I need physical affection. He does so much around the house to help to show me he loves me so much but he will not give me the physical touch I need. I will no longer beg for this touch only to be ignored as though I never said a word. To be so giving in some areas he is so selfish with his touch. There are so many moments I crave to be held in the strong arms of a man and feel his hands glide along my body.
4) Angry at our government at the horrible decisions they are making daily and there lack of concern for how we are going to make it. They have no idea how hard it is to decide if you buy food for the table or make the mortgage payment.
5) Angry at my self that I can't get it together enough lately to get better schedules for my new life. I think kids try to ensure that you can not keep the schedule you create. I gotta do them in pencil now and have the easier ready.
I am sad:
1) Sad to see my sister in such a state of disaster and there is very little I can do to help. In fact no one can help her at all if she won't try to help herself. So sad for the children having to go through this.
2) Sad that my dad was taken from us so early in life. My dad was my mom's very best friend and it makes me sad that she doesn't have him anymore. She was such a different person when she had dad by her side.
3) Sad that I might have to see if I can find a facility that can help with my autistic nephew since my mom's health isn't good enough to handle him and I can not manage to work full time, raise the 7, 9, and 16 year old, and care for a severe autistic 13 year old.
4) Sad to see how hard my husband is working at home and at work. Second shift is just beating him down.
5) Sad that I can't make the pain and fear the children are feeling go away. Even though I hold them in the night when they wake crying or afraid I never feel like I can do enough.
6) Sad as I read about how many people are unemployed and their homes are in foreclosure. Sad not seeing any hope of relief coming for us common folk yet the big wigs are doing just fine. Yesterday I took a side road through town because of road construction and I was in shock at a huge line of people waiting in line at the free soup kitchen. This facility provides a meal for people that are hungry and in need. The shock of reality of how many people were there brought tears to my eyes.
I am grateful:
1) Grateful that I have family and people that love me and I love them. ( I may not like them all right now but they are still a blessing)
2) Grateful that I have a job and that the job pays well enough to keep us afloat. (we aren't getting ahead but we are making the minimums)
3) Grateful that my husband has such a gentle caring heart that he would not only be OK with the children coming to live with us but he is waking up every morning after only 4 hours of sleep to get them off to school then going back to bed.
4) Grateful that my mom is trying to help me by keeping my autistic nephew as much as possible. And she is helping me by getting the children after school and keeping them for a hour till I can get home from work.
5) Grateful when I hear anyone of the children laughing. They are all such gifts from God.
6) I am so Grateful to God for the strength he has blessing me with to continue to keep going on a average of 5 hours of sleep.
7) Grateful I am able to be here for the kids in their time of need.
I am so many emotions besides "fine" these days. As you can see by this post I am still wandering aimlessly through trying to find my way.
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Sunday, September 6, 2009
Survey Says.......
To the person who sent me this survey so long ago - sorry it took me so long.........
1. What is your occupation right now? Contract Specialist.
2. What color are your socks right now? naked feet - no socks on.
3. What are you listening to right now? Nickelback song and the sound of my hands typing.
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Bagel w/cream cheese, fresh strawberries
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes (but I have a habit of driving to fast with stick)
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my mom
7. How old are you today? 39 (I have 8 more days till I join the 40 club)
8. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Can sex be a sport? - if not football.
9. What is your favorite drink?
Juice: Orange
Soda: 7Up
Alcohol: Margarita ( also like Mascato wine)
10. Favorite food? pasta
11. What is the last movie you watched? G.I. JOE (took nephew and niece to the drive-in)
12. Favorite day of the year? 4Th of July
13. How do you vent anger? sharp words and sometimes yell
14. What was your favorite toy as a child? brown teddy bear (yes, I still have it)
15. What is your favorite season? Summer
16. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries
17. Who is least likely to respond? No clue
18. Living arrangements? Married, living at home with my husband and dog.
19. When was the last time you cried? a week ago.
20. What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes.
21. What did you do last night? had dinner on the porch with hubby.
22. What are you most afraid of? Problems out of my control to solve.
23. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? spicy
24. Favorite dog breed? Doberman. (please don't tell my current Jack Russel terrier)
25. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
26. How many states have you lived in? 3
27. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds (duh)
28. What are your favorite flowers? daisy
29. One thing most people would never guess about you: this blog I write.
Once again random info about you that you never knew you needed to know..........
1. What is your occupation right now? Contract Specialist.
2. What color are your socks right now? naked feet - no socks on.
3. What are you listening to right now? Nickelback song and the sound of my hands typing.
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Bagel w/cream cheese, fresh strawberries
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes (but I have a habit of driving to fast with stick)
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my mom
7. How old are you today? 39 (I have 8 more days till I join the 40 club)
8. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Can sex be a sport? - if not football.
9. What is your favorite drink?
Juice: Orange
Soda: 7Up
Alcohol: Margarita ( also like Mascato wine)
10. Favorite food? pasta
11. What is the last movie you watched? G.I. JOE (took nephew and niece to the drive-in)
12. Favorite day of the year? 4Th of July
13. How do you vent anger? sharp words and sometimes yell
14. What was your favorite toy as a child? brown teddy bear (yes, I still have it)
15. What is your favorite season? Summer
16. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries
17. Who is least likely to respond? No clue
18. Living arrangements? Married, living at home with my husband and dog.
19. When was the last time you cried? a week ago.
20. What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes.
21. What did you do last night? had dinner on the porch with hubby.
22. What are you most afraid of? Problems out of my control to solve.
23. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? spicy
24. Favorite dog breed? Doberman. (please don't tell my current Jack Russel terrier)
25. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
26. How many states have you lived in? 3
27. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds (duh)
28. What are your favorite flowers? daisy
29. One thing most people would never guess about you: this blog I write.
Once again random info about you that you never knew you needed to know..........
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Funny little creatures
These funny little creatures known as children that are now living with me surprise me every day. For the sake of staying anonymous I will call them Jane and John. They are just so unpredictable! Examples you ask.........
1. Jane seems to think that if you close the toilet lid it will stop the toilet from overflowing therefore there is no need to mention it to me when you come back outside. ( I can't even begin to guess how many gallons of water we cleaned up) (did I mention there was so much water that it was pouring through the floor to the basement)
2. John seems to think that making the bathroom floor a wading pool each time he showers is a requirement.
3. John seems to think that if you keep opening the frig and looking in the food will magically change into something he wants.
4. Jane seems to think I am a short order cook and her sole purpose in the day is to see how many times she can say she is "starving" - only to eat 4 bites before she says she is full.
5. John has selective hearing when it comes to hearing me tell him to stop bouncing the ball in the house or please pick your hot wheels because it isn't funny when Auntie steps on them.
6. Jane also has selective hearing when I tell her to stop leaving her clothes and shoes where ever she takes them off at.
7. Last night I walked into the front room and witnessed Jane playing rope tug with the dog and she had the rope in her mouth!! She stated it is only fair since that she use her mouth since he has too. After explaining to her that the rope is yucky and the dog has had his mouth on it and he also puts his mouth on himself she agreed not to do it again. Then five minutes later she walks in the kitchen and says "do you think he licks himself before or after he plays with the rope" I am just not equipped for these type of questions!!!
8. John and Jane have issues with everything has to be fair and even - Steven. For example - Jane insisted on her glass of juice having the exact same amount as John's glass. Much time and effort is put in to ensure that each glass is at the exact same level of juice ( I was forced to review the line twice) only to find out after they finally agreed it is even that Jane doesn't even like this flavor of juice! Remind me again why I even agreed to review the juice line?
9. Since I take John and Jane to the beach to walk the dog often they have decided to collect "cool" rocks to bring back. I gave them each a bucket to store them in and when I asked them why I am finding the rocks all the around the house instead of in the bucket they informed me they are helping me "decorate the house". Seriously I didn't know I needed more decorations.
10. John (who is 9) insist on announcing all the bodily functions he has done - such as I burped or I just tooted (he was saying fart but I hate that word), I have to go poop or I just went poop. I have tried to explain to him that I have no interest in knowing these things but for some reason he finds humor in telling me. ( husband says it is a boy thing - but I think it is just wrong)
Well there you have it. The top ten examples of stories about the little creatures.
You know I am finding that regardless of how list prepared I attempt to be when you have children around you better make the list in pencil and carry a big eraser.................
1. Jane seems to think that if you close the toilet lid it will stop the toilet from overflowing therefore there is no need to mention it to me when you come back outside. ( I can't even begin to guess how many gallons of water we cleaned up) (did I mention there was so much water that it was pouring through the floor to the basement)
2. John seems to think that making the bathroom floor a wading pool each time he showers is a requirement.
3. John seems to think that if you keep opening the frig and looking in the food will magically change into something he wants.
4. Jane seems to think I am a short order cook and her sole purpose in the day is to see how many times she can say she is "starving" - only to eat 4 bites before she says she is full.
5. John has selective hearing when it comes to hearing me tell him to stop bouncing the ball in the house or please pick your hot wheels because it isn't funny when Auntie steps on them.
6. Jane also has selective hearing when I tell her to stop leaving her clothes and shoes where ever she takes them off at.
7. Last night I walked into the front room and witnessed Jane playing rope tug with the dog and she had the rope in her mouth!! She stated it is only fair since that she use her mouth since he has too. After explaining to her that the rope is yucky and the dog has had his mouth on it and he also puts his mouth on himself she agreed not to do it again. Then five minutes later she walks in the kitchen and says "do you think he licks himself before or after he plays with the rope" I am just not equipped for these type of questions!!!
8. John and Jane have issues with everything has to be fair and even - Steven. For example - Jane insisted on her glass of juice having the exact same amount as John's glass. Much time and effort is put in to ensure that each glass is at the exact same level of juice ( I was forced to review the line twice) only to find out after they finally agreed it is even that Jane doesn't even like this flavor of juice! Remind me again why I even agreed to review the juice line?
9. Since I take John and Jane to the beach to walk the dog often they have decided to collect "cool" rocks to bring back. I gave them each a bucket to store them in and when I asked them why I am finding the rocks all the around the house instead of in the bucket they informed me they are helping me "decorate the house". Seriously I didn't know I needed more decorations.
10. John (who is 9) insist on announcing all the bodily functions he has done - such as I burped or I just tooted (he was saying fart but I hate that word), I have to go poop or I just went poop. I have tried to explain to him that I have no interest in knowing these things but for some reason he finds humor in telling me. ( husband says it is a boy thing - but I think it is just wrong)
Well there you have it. The top ten examples of stories about the little creatures.
You know I am finding that regardless of how list prepared I attempt to be when you have children around you better make the list in pencil and carry a big eraser.................
I ain't that tough.......
I would like to announce - I am not a super hero hiding my cape under my shirt (not padding my bra) and I do not have any special powers! I am just a mere mortal facing the same day to day trials as everyone else.Therefore I can not handle one more person wanting to give their issues to me. Just because I don't have public melts downs or abuse a substance or vocally express my feeling of defeat doesn't mean I am made of nails and can continue to handle it. I may be strong but I ain't that tough. And another thing I would like to state is I don't find the comment " I wish I was as strong as you" as a compliment anymore. I just want to tell people to "suck it up". Again I refer back to the fact I have no super hero cape or powers. Oh my I am on rant. I guess I am currently in some serious need of energy. Not the keep me moving energy but the emotional - you can do all of this energy. I think I just need someone I can let my guard down with and draw energy from. Now I am not going to go getting all "new age" on you but I do believe that people can pull energy from each other. Most of the time I am giving energy without a problem because I have learned how to keep myself level but on occasion I give to much to long and I need someone to help me. The problem is I have so few people in my inner circle. Funny how I am very out-going and have many friends but yet I let so few into my inner circle. Once again I believe my villain is the the evil little word trust. For the safety of anyone that is still reading this post I am going to just end this rant and go to bed. I am sorry for any whining that might have come seeping through. I am sure in the light of tomorrow things will seem better and I will want to delete this post.
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