I am worth it..........

So today my friend sent me the perfect email for my mood so here it is.

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound... "As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?" The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money, I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life. "He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself. When she finished her spiel, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You are asking a lot.
She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

Wait for me...........

I can't believe January is already more than half way over already and it didn't wait for me. I have gotten a few things done though like finished two really good books, learning how to use my new camera (sorta), painted the office/spare room, managed to keep my hours at work to 45 or less, organized spare closet, and worked out new very rough household budget. If you haven't guessed already I have decided that 2008 is the year to better structure my life. So I made this plan kinda of what I want to try and accomplish each month of this year. Some working on projects around the house (never ending projects), some working on internal projects in myself (yikes dealing with me), some I have set aside any of my extra time to give to others (yikes dealing with others). One of my goals for this year is to learn how to better balance myself. I sometimes give to much of myself leaving nothing left for me which can then lead me into a panic overwhelmed mood if faced with issues before I can nurture my strength back. Other times go to the opposite extreme and appear to just shut down to people around me which is not good because then people think I am being cold and distant. I want to find a balance where I can be there for people without giving so much of myself I have nothing left for me. I am a mentor for this one support group and I even find at times I try to absorb some of their pain so they can be at ease. This year will be a journey of finding my inner balance and for finding true happiness and peace in me. I want to continue to grow in my ability to be comfortable with myself and my surroundings without anyone else in them. I want to want people and not need people for the most part. Wow this posting got much deeper than I planned. Better stop now before I dig a hole I can't get out of without writing a novel.

Another finished book for 2008

Book : eat pray love
Author: Elizabeth Gilbert

Well as of today I can check off another book finished off my reading list. I had heard some rather interesting comments made about this book which of course peaked my curiosity and forced me to add it to the want to read list. The author Elizabeth Gilbert had a wonderful way describing what she felt in such a way you couldn't help but feel it too. I think this book hit home for me on such a personal level because she found that inner peace balance and the ability to be honest with herself and that is something I am searching for. In fact in this one chapter the words struck such a tender hidden nerve for me that I cried. This chapter is toward the end of the book and she has just about finished her journey and she has finally agreed to have a intimate relationship with this man she met and became friends with in Bali. Here are a few blurbs from the chapter that had me in tears:

• Yes, I did come to his bed with him, and he explained to me his terms - that he wanted absolutely nothing from me whatsoever except permission to adore me for as long as I wanted him to.
• Later, he would tell me how he had seen me that night. He said that I seemed so young, not in the least bit resembling the self assured woman he'd come to know in the daylight world. He said it was obvious I hadn't been touched in such a long time. He found me teeming with need but also grateful to be allowed to express that need. And while I can't say I remember all that, I do take his word because he seemed to be paying awfully close attention to me.
• One thing I do know about intimacy is that there are certain natural laws which govern the sexual experience of two people, and that these laws cannot be budged any more than gravity can be negotiated with. To feel physically comfortable with someone else's body is not a decision you can make. The mysterious magnet is either there, buried somewhere deep behind the sternum or it is not.

Of course this account above is much later after she has gone through being consumed by panic and confusion and has found her way to a better balance in life. I believe the reason the parts above touched me because I want and need that so much. I long for that intimate attention that I so crave..........

P.S. Now it's time for a book to giggle to so I am going to start reading " The other Woman" by Jane Greene this evening.

Quote this.....

I must confess I love quotes and sayings regardless of whether inspirational or funny or sassy. For some time now I have been randomly writing them down in a notebook as well as writing them on any old piece of paper I run across when I see the quote. Needless to say these quotes are everywhere and the only importance they serve is they make me smile when I run across them. I have now come up with a idea of how to enjoy these quotes/sayings without driving myself crazy with little papers everywhere. I am going to paint them on the walls in a bedroom. It will be fun to read all the different ones throughout the room. The wall will be a solid light color and I will paint the quotes in a color darker than the base coat. I will keep the writing on the smaller side so it doesn't make the walls and the room look to busy. I am trying to decide if I am going to use the same font for all of them or not. Since I am a bit anal ( a touch of OCD) I will probably use the same font for all of them. Yippee I now have a plan to rid myself of these quotes/sayings written everywhere. Here are some quotes I found today on post notes in my desk drawer. (they might make the wall)

"Life is short - Break the Rules - Forgive Quickly - Kiss Slowly - Love Truly - Laugh Uncontrollably - And Never Regret Anything That Made You Smile."

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Dogs are not our whole lives, but make our lives whole."

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

"Say what you mean and mean what you say."

I will really have to figure out which ones are worthy of making the wall and which ones will stay only on the scrap of paper they were written on. Is this quirk I have with quotes one that others share or is this one of those things that make me "unique"? If you had to pick a favorite quote or saying what would it be?

Shhhh Don't tell I am a romantic........

Already half way through the first month of 2008 and I am yet to sit down and write anything of substance. I'm not saying random thoughts and rants don't hold substance but they are just not what I was striving to achieve here. Maybe striving and always setting the bar just a bit higher has been my problem all along. Just maybe I should let go of always attempting to maintain that image of acceptance from all and just be me here. Hhhmmm, if I am going to plan on just being me in here I better figure out who I am. It might be fun to just randomly share the real person I hide and share as I figure out who I am and who I want to be ( I would say when I grow up but I believe pushing 40 makes me kinda grown up) My new idea then for this site for me is to learn to be comfortable expressing myself openly and honestly without anxiety of worrying that I am not being what others expect.

So for my first insight to the real me..................

I am a romantic at heart. Really I am one that adores mushy, thoughtful gestures that come from the heart and not the wallet. Anybody can buy a gift but only special people give from the heart. One flower given to me with meaning means more to me than receiving a dozen roses on Valentine's Day. Yes, the gesture is nice for the dozen roses but the thoughtfulness of the meaning with the one flower wins my heart. I am such a sappy romantic that I will watch" Pretty Woman" every time I see it on T.V. and I cry every time I watch the movie "The Notebook". Could you image having the kind of love that movie expressed. Wonder if it is possible or if that only happens in the movies. A few gestures that I would consider to be romantic and have melted a special spot in my heart.

• note stating the words to the song "You are my Sunshine" left on the windshield of my car. (still wearing the sun charm I received shortly after this note)
• path of chocolate kisses with instructions to follow leading to a candlelight picnic.
• wrote me a journal of each days events while I was gone for seven days and gave it to me the night I got back in town.

There you have it I am a romantic! I don't really know why I hide that part of me from others except I am afraid that it is looked at as a weakness or afraid they might be able to use it against me later. Regardless of why I have shared it now. Are you a romantic at heart?

Mental battles from within

Ten days into the new year and I find myself consumed in the battle of fighting my own personal demons. These demons of negative energy just barged right into my thoughts even though they know they are not welcome here. This sudden emotional back stepping is probably a good indication that I need to start addressing issues I have been skirting around quickly before the enemy depression sneaks in. The enemy depression and I have spent years together in a unhealthy relationship until I decided to break that bond some time ago. That doesn't mean he doesn't try to sneak in on occasion but not as often any more. It use to be a lot of work defeating depression from sneaking in but I have gained inner peace that guards for me now and only on occasion when my inner peace has wandered off does depression make it into my thoughts. With all of the distractions of the holiday bliss and the late hours working to make it all happen I neglected that part of me that goes to mental battle of my behalf and I am now paying the price for that neglect. With that being said I need to get back to my journey of working on understanding the chapters of my life that are creating my book. As I take this pilgrimage through my chapters of life so far I can only hope for insight to assist in the forming of future chapters. And if there is no insight then oh well I will continue to fake it till I make it....

Here we go into 2008

First week into the new year and I haven't had any time to check in and write. The year is starting out on a good note but just a bit busy. Later this week when some of the chaos slows down I will be back here writing more chapters of who I am and attempting to find my way in this ever changing maze of life. Since I compare the life of people to books what would the title of your book be?