The last page of the chapter of 2007

I am glad to see 2007 coming to a end. This has been a difficult year for me emotionally, financially, and spiritually. I thought 2003 was bad when I lost my dad and grandma within months of each other but this year has proven to be just as difficult but in new challenging ways. I could sit and whine about all the troubles the year had but that's not really me. I much rather talk about how it caused me to challenge myself to grow. I have been faced this year with some situations that I did not create but had to either clean up or walk away. Interesting during these issues I did not realize how strong of a person I can be but now that I am reflecting back on them I see that I have more inner strength than I think. I believe we can overcome any problem we are faced with as long as we acknowledge and move forward. By acknowledge and move forward I mean we must address that it is a issue and chose not to sit in it. The easy way out is to just sit in it and have a pity party with the hopes that someone will either join you or fix it or show you which way to run from it. The tough way which also helps you grow as a person the most is to face the issue and see how you are going to fix it. I know that sounds impossible to just say fix it and sometimes we can't completely fix it but we can put a bandage on it and slow the bleeding or apply pressure till the bleeding stops and we can figure out where to go from there. For example, my husband created a situation this year that rocked my world and not in a good way either. This issue was bad enough to challenge a marriage and would bring some to their knees. It definitely knocked the wind out of me and had me doubting every good feeling I ever had about him BUT before I made any life altering decisions I took some time to evaluate what I was going to do. I had to do massive amounts of soul searching to determine if I could stay with him and move past this. We have this marriage rule that when we argue we can only bring up the current issues and not dredge up the past so I had to ensure I could really move past this cause I wouldn't be able to resent him and bring it up later. Just a rule we made because we both have a past that can be brought up when arguing that can add to much fuel to the argument and then we lose might of the issue at hand and say things that cause way to much damage. So after doing some soul searching and creating a two column list of the pros and con's of which way to go I decided that I had to much invested in my love for him to walk away. That doesn't mean he got away clean free because his actions caused hurt to others and he definitely lost a part of me that it had taken him years to reach. He knows this and has in return learned many lessons from this and made huge improvements in his character. Had I made the decision to leave I would have missed out on seeing him grow in such positive ways and I would have missed out on the lessons I have learned. Not every issue may be worth staying but in this case I thought it was. If he hadn't learned from the issue or ever recreates the situation again then there will be a different outcome. I have learned plenty this time around and don't believe in repeating the lesson.
On a lighter note another valuable lesson in 2007 that I wasn't prepared for was a puppy. Why aren't we given instructions and a warning label when you get one? I bought this little one as a birthday gift for the hubby in the late summer and my life has been different ever since. I have so much more respect for people that have children now that I have a furry four legged child. It is a joy to watch them explore this new world and enjoy the wonders like the first snow fall and a clean new squeaky toy. It's not so much fun teaching them what NO means and keeping them safe from harm. Why wasn't I warned they are slow learners when it comes to the word NO and that they are not picky on what pair of shoes they chew on? The puppy listens much better to my husband which apparently I have been told is because he knows that my husband is his pack leader. I apparently am to much of a softy with the puppy and in return the puppy thinks he is the leader of mine and his pack. I don't remember signing up for a pack! And why does this puppy know all he has to do to melt my anger is look up at me with those cute puppy eyes and wag his tail. Could this be a learned trait from watching me do that to my husband when I am trying to explain why I have another pink bag from Victoria Secrets in my hand? Dang I think he should just listen to what I say and not do as I do. I guess I will have to work harder in 2008 to become the pack leader.
Ah, yes 2007 has had some difficult challenges but I have learned plenty. My life isn't easy but if it was then I wouldn't have the chance to challenge myself to grow. I have learned that financial security shouldn't be my whole world, I learned I must have a balance between to work and play, I learned that people you love will let you down but it doesn't mean they don't love you, I learned that anyone can change if they really want to, I learned that I can survive a really tough challenge that hurts me to the core and still make it, I learned that I must not completely hide who I am from people I love, and one really big thing I have learned is puppy teeth hurt even though they are small.
Happy Years and hold on tight for the adventure 2008 will bring..........

Random thoughts about being a woman.....

Some days I like being a girl and other days yeah well it isn't much fun. I like being a girly girl and putting on makeup, painting my nails, buying new sandals just because they make my toes look sexy, using pretty smelling lotions, getting shiny gold jewelry with gems in them, and of course walking in the house with another pink bag from Victoria Secrets. I also like being a tough girl who can brag that she built her own flower bed lifting all 46 border stones. And yes I like being a independent girl who has made her own way. I like that I appear to be just a girly girl to men then they try to talk intelligent about a subject only till I correct them on their facts. Funny how men think that if we look good we must not have a brain. For as far as us girls have come we still have a long way to go to become a equal partner whether in a marriage or in a career or in politics or even society. Why is it a strong woman is said to be a bitch or a ball buster? Why is it a pretty woman must not be smart? Damn society and I say society because it is not just men that stereo type women. Heck some of a women's worst critics are other women. Women can be so catty and jealous of each other that they will try to keep another woman down. Yes, we can be are worst own enemy at times. With this being said you must wonder why I still want to be a girl, well because I have learned and still am learning how to maneuver around people feeding their needs just enough to get what I want. As I believe I stated in a earlier posting I enjoy reading people and yes I sometimes use what I have learned against them. Here is a trick I have learned that I have used when needed. Most men need to feel stronger and smarter and really need their egos stroked (among other things) so if you know this then you just learn how to use it to your advantage. For example, I wanted my husband to help clean the garage but I knew if I just asked him he would have explained how some game with a ball on the TV was soooo important so instead I started cleaning by myself for a bit (usually only ten minutes) then I asked his opinion on how I could get all of the pool and patio stuff to fit up on the top shelf of the garage. He started out trying to explain it to me while still attached to the couch with the game on and that's where I began to get him. I started asking additional questions and acted like I just didn't understand what he exactly was explaining so he came out to show me how and once he got out there and started I kicked it in to overdrive telling him he was so good at making everything fit neatly and telling him I couldn't believe how strong he was for lifting all that up at once. So before he knew it I had him out there cleaning the garage without ever knowing that was my plan to begin with. Some might think that is tricking him and maybe it is but the garage got cleaned without excuses and he was well rewarded later. :) I have found that you can appeal to most men by either using their "man ego" against them or by using their other "man need" sex. Getting to women is a bit more challenging because most women are on guard of other women by nature. You really need to read them before you attempt to maneuver around them or get them to agree to your cause. The first thing I start out with when approaching a woman is compliment her on something about herself. (hint women can never get enough compliment's) then I feel her out to see if she is extremely intelligent and I need to impress her just enough with knowledge (not to much or she will become threatened) or if she is shallow and wants to talk about others (don't join in and talk about them just listen and act surprised when she tells you things). If she appears to be self assure enough I then just use the woman to woman approach. If she is not self assured then I go back to the complimenting. By no means do I use this technique with everyone but it does come in handy at times. I wish all people could just be real and could be straight forward but unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
Speaking of being a girly girl I should really end this posting so I can go do a french pedicure to my toes. I hate that it is cold and I can't wear sandals right now to show off my feet when I get them finished. Wonder if my husband has a secret foot fetish that I should know about so I can lure him away from the game he is watching on TV. :)

Fear is a chapter I don't like to talk about.......

Fear is usually a emotion I try to stay clear of. Now I am not saying all fear cause I have no problem admitting I am afraid of spiders and have been known to vacate a room if there is one in there. I am talking about the emotional fear I try to hide from others. The fear of really just taking chances and letting go to see what happens. The fear of not portraying a image of everything is fine. If you ask people that know me they will say my house is clean and looks so cute the way everything matches perfectly, and they will say she always matches her clothes from head to toe, and her husband just spoils her. I will go to many extremes to ensure that I appear to be able to do it all from the Norman Rockwell home at holidays, the career with 45+hours, the appearance of a loving perfect husband, the perfectly selected outfit for the occasion, to knowledge of the subject that may be discussed at a event. One might say that this is a image of perfection I am attempting to portrait but I believe it is fear instead. I fear that others may see that there is a crack in my foundation. I envy people that can just let go and take risk and don't show the worry of the outcome. I am not talking about adventure risk like skydiving or scuba diving in unknown waters I am talking about personal risk with their emotions. People that can just open up for the world to see what they are feeling and what they are about. People who love with everything in them not fearing the hurt the other could cause them or fear of losing who they are within this other person. I am not saying I don't love because of fear because I really do love my husband but I believe I fear loving him with everything in me. It's the fear to open up myself completely and show who I am because that will give people ability to hurt me if they need or want to. Back to those childhood experiences that seem to shape who I am now. I am not using my childhood as a excuse because I believe that we can overcome those and must overcome those issues but first we must acknowledge them. Maybe that is what has lead me to write this. Maybe I need to identify the effects of my childhood so I can change them. Maybe I will learn that fear is nothing to fear because when bad things happen we can dust ourselves off, learn from it, and move on. Maybe I will stop fearing making a mistake that I will have to live with. Maybe I will learn that I don't really care what people think of the real me and stop hiding her. Is fear a good emotion to fear or am I selling myself short by being so fearful?

Still ponder this trust issue

After rereading my posting from this morning I began to ponder what the word trust really means to others. I know what my definition of it is but is it the same as others. Well I wasn't about to ask people what trust meant to them so I did the next best thing and looked it up in the dictionary. I still believe in good old hard cover books so up to my library of books I went. According to the definition it states the following:

• reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
• confident expectation of something; hope.
• a person on whom or thing on which one relies

Yikes once reading this I began to realize that maybe what I am lacking is confidence in people and the fear that they won't meet up to my expectations or will let me down if I trust in them whole heartily. Could past experiences have hurt me so deep that I am that willing to live behind this wall not having confidence in others or I am I short changing myself by not giving others the benefit of the doubt?

Chapter on Trust

My chapter on trust in my book of life is very short. Life experiences at a very young age shattered that emotion and it has been a slow rebuild. Not saying that I don't trust at all because I do trust others with material things and some times I trust a few with secrets or feelings but my issue is trusting someone enough to ever let them know who I really am. People believe that really know me but if questioned about me they would realize that they really only know surface general information about me and very little about who I really am and what I really think about things. I am a good listener and a great information gatherer about others without sharing much about how I really feel. I strive on people reading and enjoy figuring them out without every giving enough information about myself to be figured out. I hide behind this wall of brick I have created and will only peek over the top on occasion to show a piece or two of who I am. After years of being with my husband I noticed that I had removed many bricks from this wall and had began to believe that the wall was crumbling until this year. He had been telling lies to me and was forced to come clean not of his own free will but because of circumstances. If he would have just told me what he was doing I wouldn't have liked it and there would have been hell to pay but not as much as he will pay now that he has lost that part of me that years took to get. It was amazing to me how quickly I could rebuild that wall and become cold. This is not something that I want to do but it is a natural reaction I have. I believe it is one that forced into my personality by childhood experiences. I think we are all born with trust and actions from others take it away. What actions took mine away you ask? Well that would definitely be another chapter in my book of life and not one I choice to share just yet. Kind of funny how I can write this for the world to see as long as I know that you don't know who I am. Maybe in the Chapters to come I will open up some of who I hide from the world. Am I short changing myself by hiding behind this wall or is better to be safe?

Our life is a book......

I compare the life of a person to books. Some are wonderful novels that we wish would never end and others are stories that make up a series of books that keep you waiting till the spring for the next addition. My life or book as I call it has had many different types of chapters. Some chapters are sappy and sad, some chapters are frustrating, some have you wanting to know more and other chapters having you wondering how will this book end. As I am approaching the 40 marker rather quickly I have began to wonder what chapter for my life is next. There are so many things that I haven't done yet that according to my manual I wrote for myself that I want to do. Funny how the life manual we write of what is important to us changes as we get older and priorities change. I find myself now trying to justify what changes to my manual are acceptable to me. As I look back through the chapters of my life I realize that choices I have made have altered my ability to obtain some of my life manual goals. Have I short changed myself or just changed my mind?