How do you feel?
That is the question.
I was listening to the radio when the chorus of a song came on and "how do you feel" was what they were singing. I realized after hearing that I am not sure what I feel. But writing for me is a way of making sense of what is spinning around it my head. When I write I feel some control over things, however illusory that is.
In the physical sense I am alright besides two mosquito bites that are driving me insane, a cut on my foot that is slowly healing, and heavy eyelids (I am very sleepy).
In the mental sense I don't exactly know how I feel. I sit quietly alone in my mind attempting to figure out how I feel. Have I stayed comfortably numb for so long that I don't recognize my own emotions? Would it sound horrible if I said I am often afraid of not staying numb? And would it be terrible to admit I hate what I have become?
Where do I begin to fix me?
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4 comments:
We become comfortably numb to keep our fears at bay. But being numb is no way to live one's life. (I believe there is a greater purpose in life to just coast through comfortably numb.
Not only is it ok to admit you hate what you've become, but by acknowledging it, you begin to heal. Some of us needed therapy to discover that and if it works for you, you should try it as well. But a life that is unfulfilled, is a meaningless life. I ca hear in your writing that you want to live a meaningful life but you're just afraid of what you'll discover.
You should never fear the truth and you should never fear the changes that truth will make in your life. If you are unhappy, it may take years, but the results can be amazingly sweet. Even though my "date" ended up not working out, I'm happier in rejection than I ever was when I was comfortably numb.
I know in my heart (and not just the new one) that I'm right about this. Every day you wait to break free of this numbness, is a wasted day you could be happy.
Are you feeling any better? For what it's worth, I met someone I really liked and we hit it off fabulously on the phone and on emails. But when we finally went out, it was a bust. But nothing ventured, nothing gained. Three years ago, I would never have imagined that I would EVER even attempt to go on a date with another woman (I was still married and miserable at the time).
Even though this date was less (far less) than either of us hoped, it was an enormous triumph for me and a great step forward. I may still feel lonely and wanting, but I'm no longer numb, coasting or just existing.
I never, ever want to go back to that.
You are so kind to share and express your own experiences and I thank you for that. Yes, I am a bit better today. I will find my way back to being happy and enjoying life! I haven't been one to allow cirmcumstances destroy my inner being and I don't see me starting now. Thank you for the reminding me of the positive!!
No problemo. I'm glad it's getting better.
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