Coming up for air........

It has been to long since I last wrote. I have been fighting the demon of depression with all that I have which has exhausted me and left no energy for good things. I consider myself a some what strong person and I have overcome many adversities in my life but lately I haven't been so strong. In fact I realized that I was losing the battle of depression and anxiety so I went to see the doctor. (Please note that I said the battle, cause one can lose a battle and still win the war) So here I am thinking that I am losing it and at any given moment the men with the white coats are coming when the wonderful doctor tells me that this depression/anxiety could very well be from quitting smoking!!! Yippee I thought I finally had a medical excuse to go back smoking but she explained that NO I shouldn't go back smoking but that I might need a low dose of medicine for a few months. When the doctor told me this I began to laugh because of all the horrible life experiences I have gone through I never would have thought quitting smoking would bring me to my knees. After leaving the doctors office that day I went and got a large coffee and parked by the lake. I believe I was only parked about two minutes when I began to cry. Once I started crying I didn't think I was ever going to stop. I started out crying because I felt like such a weak person needing the help of medicine to fight the depression/anxiety and from there I just kept on crying for all of the hurt I have buried for so long. I didn't bury the hurt to deny it I buried it because I didn't feel I had time to hurt I only had time to find solutions for the problems on hand. Since the age of five when my parents divorced I assumed the role of care taking. I am not sure if that role was forced on me or if it is a genetic trait. Regardless something in me has changed after all of these years. Wonder if it from quitting smoking or from pushing the forty marker or the breaking of the trust from my husband or my father passing or maybe I am just tired of being the strong one for so many people.
So after I could cry no more and I finished my coffee I went to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled. I kept my sunglasses on in the store cause I looked very scary from all the crying. When the pharmacist came out to give me the prescription he asked me if I had any questions which could have been a very dangerous thing to do but I just shook my head no and took the bag. Once I got home I opened the bag, took out bottle, and opened to peek at the pills that are going to save me from myself. I am finding it really hard to believe that a pill the size of a tic tac is going to fix me but I will keep you posted.................