Fine just ain't cutting it..........

Instead of my typical I am fine and how are you response I would love to be completely honest with someone when asked "how are you". Only one person outside of the direct people involved know about any of this insanity. Since I am almost completely anonymous here I am going to tell you how I really am..........
I am angry:
1) Angry at my sister and her negative choices that are effecting her life, her children, and my life. She use to be such a good mom and a loving person with a kind heart. Angry because she seems to care more about herself and her husband instead of her children. Angry because I made the choice to not have children but because of my sister's actions I am forced to now be responsible for taking care of her children. (please don't misunderstand - I really do love the children and will do anything for them it's just this wasn't my plan for my life)
2) Angry at my mom because I need her to step up and be a take control mom instead of being needy . My attention is focused on the children that are now living with me so I can not have my mom calling crying and wanting me to be able to fix it or just listen. I need her to be strong and solve problems as they occur without asking me every time. She can be strong she just seems to have forgotten that since my dad past.
3) Angry that my husband refuses to hear me when I tell him I need physical affection. He does so much around the house to help to show me he loves me so much but he will not give me the physical touch I need. I will no longer beg for this touch only to be ignored as though I never said a word. To be so giving in some areas he is so selfish with his touch. There are so many moments I crave to be held in the strong arms of a man and feel his hands glide along my body.
4) Angry at our government at the horrible decisions they are making daily and there lack of concern for how we are going to make it. They have no idea how hard it is to decide if you buy food for the table or make the mortgage payment.
5) Angry at my self that I can't get it together enough lately to get better schedules for my new life. I think kids try to ensure that you can not keep the schedule you create. I gotta do them in pencil now and have the easier ready.

I am sad:
1) Sad to see my sister in such a state of disaster and there is very little I can do to help. In fact no one can help her at all if she won't try to help herself. So sad for the children having to go through this.
2) Sad that my dad was taken from us so early in life. My dad was my mom's very best friend and it makes me sad that she doesn't have him anymore. She was such a different person when she had dad by her side.
3) Sad that I might have to see if I can find a facility that can help with my autistic nephew since my mom's health isn't good enough to handle him and I can not manage to work full time, raise the 7, 9, and 16 year old, and care for a severe autistic 13 year old.
4) Sad to see how hard my husband is working at home and at work. Second shift is just beating him down.
5) Sad that I can't make the pain and fear the children are feeling go away. Even though I hold them in the night when they wake crying or afraid I never feel like I can do enough.
6) Sad as I read about how many people are unemployed and their homes are in foreclosure. Sad not seeing any hope of relief coming for us common folk yet the big wigs are doing just fine. Yesterday I took a side road through town because of road construction and I was in shock at a huge line of people waiting in line at the free soup kitchen. This facility provides a meal for people that are hungry and in need. The shock of reality of how many people were there brought tears to my eyes.

I am grateful:
1) Grateful that I have family and people that love me and I love them. ( I may not like them all right now but they are still a blessing)
2) Grateful that I have a job and that the job pays well enough to keep us afloat. (we aren't getting ahead but we are making the minimums)
3) Grateful that my husband has such a gentle caring heart that he would not only be OK with the children coming to live with us but he is waking up every morning after only 4 hours of sleep to get them off to school then going back to bed.
4) Grateful that my mom is trying to help me by keeping my autistic nephew as much as possible. And she is helping me by getting the children after school and keeping them for a hour till I can get home from work.
5) Grateful when I hear anyone of the children laughing. They are all such gifts from God.
6) I am so Grateful to God for the strength he has blessing me with to continue to keep going on a average of 5 hours of sleep.
7) Grateful I am able to be here for the kids in their time of need.

I am so many emotions besides "fine" these days. As you can see by this post I am still wandering aimlessly through trying to find my way.
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